


The Tale of the Champion(s Heart)

by quinnlocke



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Blue hawke who is also a bit purple, Falling In Love, Mage Hawke - Freeform, Multi, Slow Build, This is my first fic so be gentle, all of the adventures, but not hawke, but when they drink oh boy do they drink, fenris hates mages, i mean not every chapter has them drunk, lots of snark, they really like to drink, will start to become a bit more mature as chapters progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-25
Updated: 2016-01-24
Packaged: 2018-04-06 03:06:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 53
Words: 93,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4205607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quinnlocke/pseuds/quinnlocke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marian Hawke is an apostate refugee who is just trying to get by. Fenris is an escaped slave who is trying to stay free.<br/>How two people from very different walks of life can come together and how love will keep them at each others side.</p><p>The story of Dragon Age 2, told from many view points. But mostly Hawke and Fenris.</p><p>Isabela/Merrill mentioned but not expanded upon</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lotherings Lament

Lothering was gone. Bethany was gone. Wesley was gone.  
United by their losses a group of refugees boarded a ship to Kirkwall.  
Marian Hawke felt the sting of loss deep within her heart. Bethany had been her constant companion since birth. When her magic manifested she was there to calm her till father came home. When Carver left to fight at Ostagar they comforted one another believing he would return safely to them.  
Carver had returned, they had run. She felt Bethany's last breath even before she struck down the ogre with her magic. She felt her mana drain and the sudden tug of the Fade that told her Bethany was gone. She didn't want to believe it; she let Mother try to awaken her. She even let mother blame her. It had been her fault. She was the oldest. She was the fighter, her magic always veered towards combat. Bethany was a healer and she should never have tried to fight. Why did she try to fight?  


"It wasn't your fault Marian." Carver’s voice pulled her from her thoughts.  


"She was trying to protect mother, she knew what she was getting herself into. You cannot blame yourself for this, I won't let you."

  
Marian allowed her brother to pull her into a hug, a rare moment of affection between them. Carver and she had always butted heads. The only non magical child, the only boy but not the oldest. She held him and he held her as they sailed into an unknown future, to a place they had only heard of in passing stories from their parents.

*****

So much blood everywhere. Shrieks of pain and agony flood his mind. They're dead all of them are dead. A bloody hand reaches to grab him and he darts away. He sees the look of anger on his master’s face. He sees the soldiers closing in. The master is bleeding, but not from blood magic. No he has been injured; he failed to protect his master. A soldier goes to grab him and he puts his fist through his chest. The next two meet his blade and fall.  


"Fenris stop. It's time to go home now. Look what you let them do to me Fenris. There will be punishment for this, even more if you do not stop this at once. It's time to go home, now heel my little wolf."

  
He sees the last of his masters hired men close in. He knows how to defend from an ambush, his master taught him to defend from all sides. He can escape. There's an opening!

  
"I will not heel!" He swings his broadsword wide cutting into the bellies of the men to his left, a fist takes out the one to his right, he charges headlong into the one coming straight at him. Blood so much blood. Run, you must run!

  
He wakes in a cold sweat and forgets where he is. The wicker of a horse brings him back to his thoughts. In a stable hiding. Escaped a group of hunters hid in the stables. Sun isn't up yet, get out before the farmer wakes up. He steals away as the first rays of the sunrise peak over the trees. It's been almost 3 years and he is still running, still dreaming of that night. He is running out of places to run. He hears whispers in town of the Blight in Ferelden. Refugees running to the Free Marches. Kirkwall, Starkhaven, and Tantervale are the names he hears the most.

  
"Best believe no apostates going to make it for long in Kirkwall. The Templars there rule with an iron fist. The knight commander has power even over the viscount there. Mark my words there's gonna be trouble for any of thems that try to go there."

  
Kirkwall, mages kept on a tight leash. He's heard the stories of the Free Marches, slaves who rebelled. Where better to hide than where his kind had fought for the freedom he so desperately seeks.  
He has put away enough coin for passage. Might even be able to stow aboard if he's careful. Kirkwall, I will go to Kirkwall.

****

"A year?"

  
That's how long it will be until her life is hers again. That's the price to escape the Blight. To be given passage into a city where she will be in more danger of discovery than she has been in her entire life. She sits quietly listening to her mother and uncle argue. Watches Carver pace and sigh.

  
"Well what's a year when it means never having to look into the face of a darkspawn as it tries to kill you?"

  
Her mother's choked sob tells her she chose the wrong time to be funny. She's always doing that, covering up sadness and anger with sarcasm and wit. Carver gives her a look and she shrugs her shoulders back at him.

  
"Just point me to my new employer uncle; I'll take care of the rest."

  
Carver would have chosen the mercenary group if it had been up to him. He was a soldier; he had been trained for that line of work. But Marian would prefer to avoid any situation that involved using her magic openly. Too many risks. All her lessons at hiding and concealment that she learned from her father were better suited to smuggling. The delicate bond she and Carver had built on the ship was slowly coming apart now that she was making decisions for them. How long before it finally snapped.

  
"Come Carver. Let's go meet this Athenril."

*****

"Bartrand we cannot afford this without additional support. You've already pawned off half of your possessions and I get the feeling mine will be next."  
Varric was sick of having this conversation with his brother.

 Ever since the Blight began in Ferelden his brother’s sole focus was an expedition into the deep roads once it was over. When the Blight ended in less than a year it became an obsession. The Deep Roads would for a small period of time be devoid of its usual inhabitants. Whispers from their contacts spoke of old thaigs lost for thousands of years just waiting for someone to find them. Bartrand wanted to be that someone and he would not let anything get in his way.

  
"Do you not realize what kind of opportunity this is? I refuse to give up. I will sell every single last thing I own to fund this. Now leave and see if you can find us some desperate Fereldans to hire on the cheap."

  
Varric knew exactly where to go for the cheap labor his brother was looking for. Just one step into Darktown and he'd spot at least ten men all in need of work. But that could wait. Now he needed to make sure his brother didn't end up selling the family estate to pay for their venture.

  
In the last six months his contacts in the Coterie had been talking about someone called Hawke. It started out as just casual tales of one of Athenril's hirelings. Stories of a mage who never missed a drop, never lost a shipment, and almost never needed to cast a spell. Hawke was a name that kept being repeated and Varric wanted to know more.

  
He had spent the last month working with his contacts to ensure that Hawke would hear of the expedition. That she was no longer indentured to Athenril and would need to start making her own coin. So he hatched a plan and he waited to see if she would take the bait.

****

It only took two days before he received word that Hawke would be making her way to Hightown to speak with Bartrand.

  
"Ok Twitch when I give the signal you're going to pickpocket the lovely lady. Come running towards me and I'll take care of the rest."

  
"I don't like the idea of being shot at."

  
"You want out of the under city kid? This is your way out. And don't worry Bianca never misses."

  
Varric watched and waited. He watched his brother turn Hawke away, saw her argue with her brother about Templars and waited for Twitch to make his move.

  
Twang!

  
It couldn't have been more perfect even if he hadn't planned it himself.  
Introductions were made and Varric found himself enjoying Hawke's casual banter. She was quick with a joke and even paid Bianca a compliment which never failed to win points with Varric. The younger Hawke seemed a bit out of place in the mix. Varric recognized a kindred spirit with a fellow younger brother. But where Varric embraced his limited notoriety, Carver seemed too eager to escape his sister’s shadow.

  
Varric decided that someday the younger Hawke would learn, but for now he would let the boy find his way to becoming a man.

  
"So Hawke, what kind of trouble should we stir up?"


	2. Varric meets Aveline

"Wait a minute you know a guardsman?" 

  
"Guards woman Varric. I don't know if Aveline would appreciate being referred to as a man. Though she can sure hit like one." Carver said, remembering all too well the last punch he ever received from Aveline.

They had been arguing about her leaving them to join the guard. That she could have gotten him a place as well. That she didn't care about him and his family she was just using them to get passage into Kirkwall. Aveline had given him a punch in the stomach so hard it hurt to breathe for a few days. He still said that he had a point and her punching him only proved it. Marian was the only one who could keep the peace between them.

Thankfully mother had not been home when the altercation occurred. He could not even begin to think of she would have reacted.

  
"Aveline was with us when we came here. She and her husband were escaping the dark spawn as well. But it would be best not to mention him. He was lost as well. Just like Bethany." Hawke told Varric all he needed to know about their friend as they made their way up to the viscount keep.

***  
Aveline had only spent three months working for Athenril when she saw the notices for guard recruits. Her father hadn't been wealthy when he died but he had left her plenty. She had made arrangements to move all her accounts in Ferelden to Kirkwall. She paid off her debt to Athenril and moved into the barracks as soon as she could. What Carver didn't know is that she had offered to pay the Hawke siblings debt as well.   
Hawke had refused the offer. Said that Carver needed to be occupied. That the smuggling work was all he had and she would not see him idle about with no sense of purpose. 

  
So when Carver had come at her with his accusations her anger got the better of her. Hawke had found her the next day nursing a much bruised fist. They both agreed that Carver need not know the truth, it wouldn't help matters.

  
Still Aveline didn't regret her decision once. Her training as a soldier had her promoted to lieutenant in less than a year. Her contacts enabled her to keep an eye on her friends. She had occasionally taken a longer route on patrol, knowing full well that Hawke was on the move and wouldn't want to be seen by the guard. She worried about her friend, but she knew the girl had a good head on her shoulders and would come out of it unscathed.

  
"Aveline, my favorite guardswoman. How lovely your hair looks today."

  
"Hello to you too Hawke. I can see straight through your flattery but I thank you for the compliment." 

  
"Any word on the street? Any bandits need beating, thugs to throttle, Carta to cart away?" 

  
"If I say yes will you stop coming up with asinine phrases?" 

  
"Maybe, I was trying to come up with a good one for the Coterie."

  
"I'll bet. I hear your looking into the Deep Roads expedition. Watch out for Bartrand, he's a son of a bitch."

  
"If I may say, my brother can be and should be called many names. But let's leave my mother out of the insults shall we." 

  
"Oh right Aveline, this is Varric. Varric this is Aveline."

  
"Bartrand's younger brother then? I've heard a few things about you."

  
"Ah yes I'm sure the words charming and lovable have come up no doubt."

  
"Capricious and deceitful have come up more."

  
***  
"Hawke do you realize you have lived down the street from me for the last year?" 

  
"You live in a bar?"

  
"My dear Hawke, the Hanged Man is not a bar. The Hanged Man is a tavern and as such is deserving of much more adoration than just any old bar. And yes I live here."

  
Hawke looked around the suite Varric occupied. Where the bar itself was a bit run down in places, Varric's suite was immaculate. It was as though all the rot and waste that permeated the building stopped where his door opened. He had a private table and living space twice the size of the room she was sharing with Carver.

  
They spent the first part of the evening discussing options for saving up the coin she would need to invest. He told her he would keep his hear to the ground for rumors of odd jobs and mercenary opportunities. The rest of the evening they spent getting good and drunk. Varric and Hawke told each other about their lives. It felt good for her to share stories with someone. To not have to hide that she was a mage. 

  
Varric told her about how he managed to avoid Merchant Guild meetings by inventing cousins who were supposed to go in his stead but never showed.

  
Hawke told him about the time she was coming into her magic when she sneezed and set the handkerchief on fire. She told him the story of how she acquired Tiny, her Mabari. 

  
She spoke of living in the small hovel her uncle owned. About having to sleep on a rickety made bunk bed. How she slept on the top bunk because she was convinced she was less likely to kill Carver landing on top of him than he would landing on her.

  
When he saw that she was drifting off Varric took her hand and escorted her over to his bed. 

  
"Varric no I couldn't."

  
"Hawke it wouldn't be the first time I fell asleep in my chair and it won't be the last. Consider it a showing of how much I have enjoyed your company tonight and how much I look forward to being your friend."

  
It wasn't long before he heard her snoring softly. He sat down and pulled out some parchment and began to write down some of the stories Hawke had told him. If her life up to this point was any indication for the future he was going to want to record it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos, I wrote three chapters last night. Unfortunately my brain won't let me write in chronological order so hopefully I can start getting more of Act 1 taken care of.


	3. Break Ins, Hangovers, and Odd Jobs

Aveline couldn't believe she was breaking into a Hightown estate. She couldn't believe she had even let Hawke talk her into it. She was a city guard, sworn to protect the people and prevent crimes like this.

But when Hawke came to her and told her of the slavers who had taken up residence in mothers childhood home, about the lost will, and of the chance to give her mother back a life she had left behind; Aveline realized there were things she would turn a blind eye to for her friend. Hawke had been there for her when Wesley fell to the Blight sickness. Hawke had been the one to put the blade through his heart. She had taken on the heavy responsibility Aveline herself could not face. For that and for so many other things Aveline would go to the ends of the world for Hawke.

"He left everything to mother. Grandfather forgave my mother for leaving. But that sodding git Gamlen didn't wait around for her to find out. Went off spending all of the inheritance on whores, drinks and bad investments."  
Hawke was livid and drunk, a combination that could lead to trouble. But Aveline believed she and Carver could keep the peace so long as they allowed her to rant.

  
"You know I don't even care about the damn estate. She can have it. I just want her to look at me and tell me she forgives me for Bethany. I want her to finally tell me it wasn't my fault."

  
Varric tried a friendly pat on the shoulder but Carver shook his head and stopped him. He knew his sister well enough to know that eventually she would get it all out. She would never cry the stray tear might fall out here and there. But he had not seen his sister cry since they were children. She didn't cry when their father died. She held Bethany and their mother and stood stoic as the pyre was lit. But not a single tear fell that day. She would rant and rave and seem on the verge, but it would never come.

  
"Varric just how much money can I expect to get from this expedition? I mean I am investing quite a bit of money; I'm going down to the damn deep roads with you as well. What sort of return are we looking at here?"

  
"By my estimation you should receive back double if not triple. More than enough to buy at least two Hightown estates if you damn well please."

  
"I would be happy enough to buy a little house in Lowtown and call it a day. But for some reason mother, who gave up everything for love, suddenly wants her old home. I'm beginning to wonder if she wants back her old life as well."

  
"That's not fair. She doesn't want it for herself and you know it. She wants it for us that's all. Whether we want it as well doesn't seem to matter though. But it isn't fair to call her desires selfish." Carver knew it was time to end the rant. She was getting to be belligerent and making baseless accusations about their mother was just a step too far for him.

  
"You're right little brother. I should stop drinking now I'm becoming a lush."  
"You were a lush after the third shot Hawke. Perhaps you should let me escort you home." Aveline finally piped in. Crossing her arms across her chest Hawke looked at her with a mischievous grin.

  
"Aveline if I was into that sort of thing I would let you haul me off to the barracks for some punishment."

  
"Now I know you've had enough." Aveline barely got the words out before Hawke fell asleep face first onto the table.  
***

Hawke was thankful for the first time in her life that there were no windows in the hovel that Gamlen called home. The headache she woke up with could only have been made worse by sunlight. The arguing going on the next room however was not helping either.

"You expect me to start paying rent? My children had to be sold into servitude for us to come live in this shithole you call a house. They should have been nobility."

"Now I have kept my mouth shut about money for the entire length of their debt. But now they are out there doing odd jobs and the like and I think that money ought to be going towards the free roof I've put over their heads."

Hawke slowly climbed down from the top bunk. She lost her footing and was caught by her brother before she could hit the floor. He handed her a cup of water and some elfroot.

"They've been going at it for hours. She still doesn't know about the will. I'm waiting for him to dig himself deeper into his hole before we tell her. I hope you're ready for this."

"Why did you let me do shots? I should never do shots."

"Every time I try to remind you not to do shots you poke me in the chest and when you're really into your cups you like to shock me."

"I use magic when I'm drunk? Oh fuck Carver why didn't you tell me?"

"It's only ever been around me and only to me. No one would ever be able to see it either. It’s more like when you shuffle across carpet, yet you can summon it at will."

Hawke buried her head in her hands and tried using what little healing magic abilities she had to soften the grip her skull had on her brain. After a botched job with Athenril and a nasty scar she made sure to learn a basic healing spell that could be increased in a pinch, but only at the cost of draining her entire mana pool. As such she had never needed to push it that far. For now she let it out in small bursts and laughed at the idea of her magic serving man to remove hangovers.

"All right lets do this."

Leandra Hawke was many things. She was patient, she was kind, she was a phenomenal baker, but most importantly she was a mother. And at this moment she was a mother who discovered that her children had been left to live as peasants, sold into servitude, and forced to live in squalor because her brother had a grudge against her. Her brother had squandered away every single bit of coin their family had, ruined their family name, and he was accusing her of not caring about their parents.

Hawke and Carver had been smart enough to leave when their mother’s voice began to get louder. They knew what sort of fury she was capable of cooking up. So Hawke grabbed all her unread letters and her brother and whisked them away to the Hanged Man.

"Oooh, you have a letter from Peaches! Behind Barlin's shed Carver, really?"

"Oh shit, damn it give me that! I don't read your private letters!"

"Mine aren't nearly as racy as yours. My goodness she really misses you doesn't she?"

Carver swiped for the letter in Hawke's hand and missed. She went running down the street reading the contents of the letter out loud for all of Lowtown to hear. When she got to the Hanged Man he finally managed to crash into her and bring her down to the ground.

"Andraste's pink panties you're heavier than a cow! I can't breathe get off me!"

"Give me the letter Marian."

She handed it over to him and pinched his cheeks telling him how cute looked when he was in love and waltzed herself into the tavern. She found Norah and ordered two ales and two mystery meat stews to be delivered to Varric's suite. She made her way upstairs and into his room. She didn't see him in his usual seat at his table and she heard a light snoring coming from his sleeping area. She tiptoed in and peeked into his sleeping quarters. Varric was sound asleep in his bed, she considered her options for awakening him and once she saw Bianca was safely out of his reach she took a flying leap and gave the dwarf one hell of a wake up call.

"Fucking hell Hawke you nearly gave me a heart attack!"

"I had considered climbing in with you and seeing if a kiss would wake you up, but I don't think Bianca would have liked that."

"Are we seriously going to keep talking about that damned crossbow like it’s a person?"  
Carver had finally made his way upstairs and was sitting at the table helping himself to his stew.

"What makes you so sure she's not Junior?" Varric rolled himself out of bed and sitting himself at the table helped himself to Hawke's ale. He knew Norah or Edwina would see he was up and have his breakfast sent up.

Hawke joined them and started reading her letters while pondering what the mystery meat of the day was. She had three letters all from Athenril. First one was a farewell, apologies for the failed drop that nearly killed her. Second one was dripping with hints that Athenril wanted her to come back. The third however had promise.

"Varric do you know a dwarf named Anso?"

"That's not a name I've heard, he might be new to the surface, why?"

"Apparently he is need of some assistance and pays well. Athenril tipped me off. I think she is trying to get to come back. He'll be in the bazaar tonight. Probably worth a look into. I'll see if Aveline can come as well. Always good to have an extra sword."

***

"Hawke I am willing to overlook a lot of things for you. But this is getting to be a bit tiresome. This is lyrium smuggling, a crime which is punishable by the guard and the templars." Aveline had waited till they were on the outskirts of the alienage and away from Anso before expressing her concerns.

"If you want to skip this one I won't hold it against you. I won't ever force you into something you're uncomfortable with. I know that a lot of what I have been doing is questionable. But this is the only way to get the coin put together for the expedition in time."

"I will stay with you for this one Hawke. But from now on I want to know what I'm getting into before I agree to come."

"I understand completely. Let’s do this."

***

It was a trap. She didn't know who for, but they obviously were not the ones meant to be there. She was beginning to think that perhaps she should just get a job as a mercenary. Go travel the world as a hedge mage, anything but what she was doing now. Anything would be better than being ambushed.

They managed to defeat the group however, a few well placed bolts from Bianca, a fireball or two from herself, not to mention Carver and Aveline's blades made short work. They began to make their way to the steps out of the alienage when another soldier appeared at the top.

"Oh great." Hawke groaned out loud.

"I don't now who you are friend, but you made a serious mistake coming here. Lieutenant I want everyone in the clearing now!"

Hawke readied herself for the next wave. They could survive this, they had to. But then suddenly a solider came limping into the clearing, blood dripping from his chest.

"Captain." He barely cried out as he collapsed dead on the ground.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally got the beginnings written. I'm sure anyone who has played knows whose showing up in the next chapter. I had considered having him join the merry band of misfits last. But somehow the idea of him already being there when the rest show could make for some fun conversations. Next three chapters have been fleshed out and will be tweaked so stay tuned.


	4. The Hawke meets The Wolf

He had thought to join them when the ambush occurred. He had watched them go into the abandoned building. But then he saw there was a second squadron waiting should the first fail. He decided it would be best to remove them and hope Anso had hired the right kind of people for this job. The men were unprepared for him as he slashed his way through them. The last was shuffling away his blood gushing from the cut in his back trying desperately to get to the captain who had just summoned him.

  
"Your men are dead and your trap has failed. I suggest running to your master while you can" He told the slaver captain as his comrades blood dripped off his blade.

  
"You're going nowhere slave." The captain grabbed his shoulder, Fenris marveled at his stupidity.

  
"I am not a slave."

Fenris put his fist through the man's chest and turned to face his "hired help".

  
A dwarf and three humans. A very tall red head who looked like she could break most men in two, the man next to her wiped blood off his sword as he glowered at the other woman.

  
His voice nearly caught at the sight of her.

  
Pale skin almost white in the moonlight. Jet black hair that fell gently across her face while the rest was pulled back into a long plait she wore over her shoulder. But what held him were her eyes. Pale blue like snow on a mountain top. She held a spear in her hand and an air about her that said this wasn't her first ambush.

"I apologize. When I asked Anso to provide a distraction for the hunters, I had no idea they'd be so numerous."

  
The man glared at him but before he could speak up the black haired woman laughed.

  
"You were the target? All of this was just for you?"

  
"I'm the reason you're here yes. My name is Fenris. These men were Imperial bounty hunters seeking to regain a magisters lost property, namely myself. They were trying to lure me into the open. Crude as their methods were, I could not face them alone. Thankfully, Anso chose wisely."

  
Fenris began to mentally kick himself, he told her his name. He hadn't told anyone his name in the three years he had been on the run. Not once, it didn't need to be said. Yet he just did it. Why, what was wrong with him that he would give such personal details of himself to a stranger.

  
"So there's no job?" asked the angry faced man. "We just put our lives on the line for nothing?"

  
"It was not for nothing I assure you. Perhaps the deception was unnecessary. If so, I am sorry. I have become too accustomed to hiding."

  
"That did seem like a lot of effort to find one slave, does this have something to do with those markings." She looked at him while she spoke, not at his markings but his eyes. The man next to her who must be her brother for their appearance favored each other, however would not stop staring.

  
"Yes. I imagine I must look strange to you. I did not receive these markings by choice. Even so, they have served me well. Without them I would still be a slave. I must ask you what was in the chest?"

  
"It was empty."

  
Fenris tried to hold back the sadness he felt. He had hoped the chest wasn't just a ruse. He should have known the answers he needed would not be in there.

  
"I suppose it was too much to hope for. Even so, I had to know."

  
"So what happens now?" The red headed woman finally spoke up, giving him a look that said she would not suffer any more deceptions.

  
"My former master accompanied these men to the city. I know I have left more questions than answers but I must confront him before he flees. I will need your help."

  
"If it means more slavers fall tonight, then yes I will help you." The black haired woman said smiling.

  
"Oh yes of course another payless job because you've got a soft spot for broken things." Her brother said angrily.

  
"You were quick to get those slavers out of the estate for no pay Carver." She retorted back.

  
"I will find a way to repay you. I swear it. The magister is staying in a mansion in Hightown. Meet me there as soon as you can. We must enter before morning." Fenris went to leave when she called out to him.

  
"You haven't even asked me my name Fenris."

  
"I, uh yes, what should I call you?"

  
She smiled at him again, a wide grin that lit up her entire face.

  
"Call me Hawke, everyone else does."  
*****  
He made it to the mansion in Hightown and waited, so many questions running through his head. Would they come? Could he go in on his own without them? Could tonight be the night he claimed his freedom? Why was he so captivated by this woman? She was just another human, why was he so enthralled? Why did he tell her his name?

  
He saw them come round the corner and let out a relieved sigh. He did not relish the idea of going in there alone.

  
"No one has left the mansion, but I've heard nothing within. Danarius may know we're here. I wouldn't put it past him."

  
"I could stand to know a little more about this Danarius." Hawke said to him with a tilt to her head. She kept looking at him like she was trying to solve a puzzle. He saw her eyes roam over the markings that covered his throat and felt his breath when her eyes met his.

  
"A Tevinter Magister."

  
"Oh is that all?" Quipped the dwarf. "Nothing to worry about then."

  
"No, there he is a wealthy mage with great influence. Here, he is but a man who sweats like any other when death comes for him." Fenris hoped he was hiding just how terrified he was. He hadn't seen Denarius in three years, and the last time he had. Fenris shoved the memories away, it would not happen again. Only Denarius's blood would be on his hands this time.

  
"Well what's the worst that could happen?" Hawke said to the dwarf with a wink.

  
"You know Hawke I get the feeling I'm going to be asking myself that question a lot being around you."

  
"Oh Varric, I've been asking myself that since I left Lothering."

  
"Oh good, now I feel so much better."

  
The dwarf, who was apparently named Varric, turned out to be quite the lock pick. Once the front door was open Fenris charged in. Yelling for Denarius in every room. His sword swinging out at every shade that dared come near him. He was so caught up in his pursuit that when a bolt of lightning shot past him and killed the shade that was closing in he nearly fell over in shock. 

Magic, which one of them, who was casting? He turned to see Hawke wave her arm and freeze a shade that had risen up in front of her. What he thought had been a spear was a mages staff, albeit a mages staff with a deadly blade on the end. The blade she was currently using to smash the frozen shade in front of her.

  
How could he have been so blind? How did he not see her for what she was? There was no escaping though. He needed to find Denarius, he needed to end this. To get away from this mage who tricked him with her beauty and casual smiles.

  
Sadly his hopes would be dashed as they entered the upstairs bedroom and found it empty. As were the two guest rooms on either side of it.

  
"Gone. I had hoped...no, it doesn't matter any longer. I assume Denarius left valuables behind. Take them if you wish, I need some air." Fenris walked out into the night.  
*****  
While Varric and Carver poked around the mansions bedrooms looking for valuables Hawke watched Fenris leave. She felt for him she truly did. To be held prisoner, no freedoms, no chance to make your own life. She hoped he would be waiting outside for them. She had so many more questions and she had to admit she did enjoy looking at him.

  
He was tall, especially for an elf. She had never seen hair so white, it practically glowed. But what she liked most was his eyes. Green like the moss on the trees in Lothering, but there was something else. His eyes had seemed so sad, like there was a weight behind them that could not be lifted. She wanted to know him more and see light come into those eyes.

  
She stepped outside to find him standing against the outer wall of the mansion, a hard look in his eyes.

  
"It never ends. I escaped a land of dark magic, only to have it haunt me at every turn. It is a plague burned into my flesh and my soul. And now I find myself in the company of yet another mage. I saw you casting spells inside. I should have realized sooner what you really were. Tell me then, what manner of mage are you? What is it that you seek?”

  
Hawke was taken aback by the sudden change in Fenris's attitude. Yet another person who would look at her and see her as a mage before anything else.

  
"To be seen as a person first would be a great start. Other than that I don't know. What do you think I seek?"

  
"You are skilled, I know that much. Still I take issue with magic and those who are careless with it."

  
"If you have a problem with my sister, you have a problem with me." Carver stepped forward in an attempt to put himself between Hawke and the elf.

  
"Its ok Carver, he has a right to his feelings." Hawke could see this escalating and hoped it would go no further than the harsh words already spoken.

  
"I am not blind. I know magic has its uses, and there are, undoubtedly, mages with good intentions. But even the best intentioned mage can fall prey to temptation, and then their power is a curse to inflict on others."

  
"Well I've resisted temptation for the last twenty three years now. So perhaps you might consider over looking my inescapable flaw." 

His eyes took on that sad look to them again. As though he had intended to say one thing and another had come. She could only imagine what sort of horrible person could inflict such pain on one person to give them so much anger.

  
"I imagine I appear ungrateful. If so, I apologize, for nothing could be farther from the truth. I did not find Denarius, but I do still owe you a debt. This is all the coin I have. Should you find yourself in need of assistance I will gladly render it until the debt is paid in full."

  
"So you will help a mage then? You weren't all that thrilled with the help I gave you a moment ago"

  
"You are not Denarius, this is true. Whether you are anything like him remains to be seen."

  
"So you will be staying in  Kirkwall ?" She asked with a hopeful tone to her voice.

  
"Yes, for now. Should Denarius wish to return and claim his mansion I will be here waiting. Beyond that I am at your disposal Hawke."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned, the next chapter will be all Fenris and Hawke and their first awkward steps together :)


	5. Wine and Wishes

Hawke waited three days before she made the trek up to Hightown. Three days to let Fenris settle himself in. She hoped perhaps to show him she was not to be feared. That she could be an ally to him.

  
She waited till mid afternoon before knocking on the door of the mansion. There was no answer so she pushed the door forward and stepped in quietly. The front foyer was dark with just a bit of light shining in from a very dusty skylight.

  
"Fenris?" she called out. Trying not to trip over the debris scattered about the floor she made her way to the stairs. There was firelight coming out of the large bedroom at the top. She was about to make her way up when she was suddenly grabbed from behind by her hair. Shoved up against a wall with a clawed hand over her throat.

  
"Who sent you?" Fenris growled at her his markings suddenly flaring to life.

  
"It's me, it's Hawke." she cried out trying desperately to pull his hand away from her neck. His gauntlets digging painfully into her skin.

  
"Hawke!" Fenris released her and backed away slowly. Looking down at the ground he stood in front of her, feeling all at once quite ashamed of himself.

  
"I am sorry. I have been wary of hunters and when I heard the door open I came down the back way hoping to surprise whoever had come. I did not expect you to come here alone, unannounced."

  
"Do you sharpen those things as well as your sword?" Hawke gingerly felt the area of her neck where his claws had scratched the skin. No blood but there was no denying he had left a mark.

  
"I am sorry for the rude welcoming. Had I known you were coming I would not have been so quick to believe I was under attack."

  
"It's fine, next time I'll wear bells, slave hunters would never wear bells."

  
Fenris chuckled and shook his head. He nearly ripped the woman's throat out and she was making jokes. He invited her upstairs where he and his few possessions had taken up residence.

  
"So I see you have settled in. Must be a nice change from being on the run to settling in a mansion no less."

  
"I have very few things that I call my own so it did not take long."

"Your master must really want you back to have spent all this time trying to catch you."

"He doesn't want me, just the markings in my skin. They're made of lyrium, burned into my flesh to give Denarius the power he required of his pet. He even collared me like a Qunari mage, to mock their customs."

"That's horrible. How did he do that to you? I have only ever seen lyrium ingested or used for rune crafting."

"I am unaware of how the ritual was performed. I was awake for it and the agony destroyed my memory. Anything that happened to me before was lost I don't even know what my real name is."

"How did you come to be Fenris?"

"That was the name Denarius gave me, in Tevene it means little wolf. I believe after all this time all he wishes is to strip the lyrium from my flesh and perhaps find himself a better behaved slave."

"If you ask me that is a waste of a perfectly handsome elf."

Fenris chuckled.

"I had scoured the wine cellar before you arrived and found one to my liking. Aggregio Parvali, there are six of them down there. I was forced to serve this to Denarius's guests. He said my appearance was intimidating."

"You know I really don't see how they could be put off."

"You aren't afraid to speak your mind are you?"

"My biggest flaw according to my mother and my brother. Actually according to a few people. I wonder if perhaps I should work on fixing it."

"I enjoy the fact that you do not let anything hold you back. It is an admirable quality." Fenris took a hard pull on the wine bottle. Draining half of it in one gulp.

"What would you do if there was nothing holding you back?"

Fenris thought hard about what she was asking. He took another gulp from the wine bottle and then hurled it against the wall.

"Take pleasure in the small things would be the most correct answer I suppose.

She had laughter in her eyes as she fixed him with a pouty look.  
"You could have offered me a glass first you know."

"There's more down there if you would like."

"Oh but how would you redecorate the walls then?"

Fenris found himself laughing again. He hadn't laughed in a very long time yet she was able to bring it out of him without even trying. He fetched a second bottle from the cellar and poured them both a glass. They sat on benches he had set up near the fireplace and toasted each other.

"Have you ever considered returning to Ferelden."

"There is no home left to return to. Lothering was lost."

"But you could rebuild what you lost. Is there nothing in you that yearns to return?"

"I lost some people leaving Ferelden. To return without them wouldn't feel right."

"To have the option to return must be gratifying though."

"Are you still planning to stay here?"

She looked sad when she asked him that. Almost as if she was afraid of his answer.

"I had considered returning to Seheron, but there is no life for me there."

"Is that where you are from?"

"So far as I have been told."  
"Were you very young when you left?"

"Perhaps."

Hawke realized she might be prying into something he was not willing to talk about just yet. She sipped her wine and considered her next query carefully.

"If Denarius was not here when we attacked where do think he has gone now."

"I suspect he has returned to Minrathous. I cannot dare go after him there. It is the capital of Tevinter and the very seat of his power and fortress. It is better to wait, attack from a fortified position. Should you be here when that time arrives I do not expect you stand with me again. Though I will not turn down your help should that occur."

"The day before I did the job for Anso I cleared slavers out of my mother’s childhood home. I could have easily just slipped in and gotten the documents I was looking for. I am very much against slavery and any who profit from it. If the time comes I will be there if you need me."

"I thank you for that. I have not met anyone so willing to stand for a cause that does not affect them directly."

"How long have you been on the run?"

"Three years. I don't know if it is the markings but he is always one step behind me. I have never stayed in one place for more than a week. This is the first time I have given him pause. It would seem there is an advantage in numbers."

"You've always been alone?"

"I had hirelings when I could steal the coin; none of them were up to your caliber though. Denarius will not give up though, no matter who I have at my side, and if he does I will find him myself, I will not spend my entire life looking around the corner waiting for the knife."

"Sounds like a good plan to me."

"I doubt it will come to that though."

"You know it seems to me like you are planning to stick around. Despite your unwillingness to say it."

"I could see myself staying, for the right reasons. I should thank you again for helping me with those hunters. Had I known Anso would find me such a capable woman I would have asked him to look sooner."

"You almost sound like you're asking for a loan." Hawke laughed at his attempts at flirting, it was sweet to see him try.

"Well you know this mansion does require upkeep."

"Now you're catching on. I knew you would eventually."

"Perhaps I will practice my flattery for your next visit. With any luck I will become better at it."

He escorted Hawke downstairs when it was time for her to leave. She hesitated before walking out the door and turned to him.

"I have one last question if you don't mind."

"Very well."

"Do they hurt still? The markings I mean. I can feel them you know, mage abilities. They move even when you are still."

Fenris was taken aback. No one had ever told him that they could feel the lyrium, or that it was still alive in his skin. He found himself once again in awe of her honesty.

"At times yes I do still feel them. It is more the memory of the pain than anything else. But being touched at times is very painful for me."

"Well then I suppose that just means I won't hug you good bye then." She waved to him and walked out the door.

Fenris walked back upstairs to his room and sat by the fire. He finished the wine and as he lay down in bed he had one thought go through his head. Despite the pain, he actually wanted that hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one was actually hard for me. I wanted to stay true to some of the video game dialogue while also bringing a bit of myself to this. I hope you are enjoying reading it as much as i enjoy writing it


	6. Welcome to Kirkwall

Three years of being on the run hadn't left him much time to meet new people. So it was quite odd to meet so many in less than a month.  
His debt to Hawke it seemed came with the additional burden of now associating with yet another mage.

  
When they had ventured to Darktown searching for a grey warden he had hopes of meeting one of their fabled warriors. His hopes were quickly dashed when he immediately sensed the presence of magic as they walked in the doors to the clinic. It was sticky like honey and clung to his skin. He kept silent though for Hawke. He knew how important these maps were to her.

  
"I will be a happy man if I never have to see the blasted deep roads again. I will be even happier to never be reminded of the grey wardens either." The Grey Warden, Anders was quick to dismiss them.

  
"Well then I guess we're done here. Thank you for nothing." Hawke sighed and went to leave.

  
"Wait, a favor for a favor. Does that seem fair to you?"

  
"Before you go any further with that let me just say if it involves children or animals I'm out."

  
Fenris and Varric both tried to hold back laughter. She was incapable of staying serious. Aveline simply shook her head.

  
"Well all right then I will be sure to keep that in mind. I came to  Kirkwall to help a friend. A mage in the circle named Karl. We've been corresponding and had plans to help him escape."

  
Hawke turned to Aveline and met her eyes. Aveline nodded and stepped outside the clinic. Their accord had stood, should any illegal activity be discussed Aveline would simply walk away. It had served to protect their friendship.

  
It also helped that Hawke had assisted Aveline in exposing the now former captain of the guards illegal activities. According to Varric this put Aveline in line to be promoted to captain. A small price to pay for having Hawke as a friend.

  
"You may continue Anders."

  
"We have a plan in place but he thinks the Templars may be on to him. I'm supposed to meet him at the chantry tonight. If you assist me with this I will give you the maps."

  
"You want me to fight templars? Are you crazy?"

  
"I would have thought a fellow apostate would be more than happy to help."

  
"I am what you call a successful apostate. I have maintained this by avoiding Templars. By not getting in their way."

  
"You don't know what it's like here. The Gallows are not the same as other circles. The threat of tranquility is used for even the smallest infraction."

  
Hawke took a deep breath and rubbed a finger between her eyes. She needed those maps. It seemed they had no other choice.

  
"Very well. I will meet you tonight."

  
As they walked away from the clinic Fenris noticed a difference in the way Hawke was carrying herself. She didn't have her usual bounce to her step.

  
"Hawke is something troubling you?"

  
She looked over at him and pursed her lips together. She opened her mouth to speak but then shook her head.

  
"It's not a discussion I wish to have right now Fenris. If you want to be kept out of this one I will not be put out. This is exactly the sort of thing I know you would like to avoid. Same to you Aveline."

  
"I thank you for that Hawke but I know Aveline will not be joining you and I do not wish to leave you short a sword. I may not agree with what we are doing, but I know why it is important that we do it."

  
Again there was that smile he was beginning to grow very fond of. It never failed to light up her face.

  
"Why don't we hit the Hanged Man for a bowl of stew and prepare for the fun tonight, maybe it won't be so bad."

***  
Fenris was starting to think that Hawke needed an intervention. One that would require she stop uttering phrases like "What's the worst that could happen" and "maybe it won't be so bad". First they broke into the chantry, then they were ambushed by Templars, and then the damned grey warden started glowing and ranting about vengeance and retribution. When it was finally all said and done Hawke was visibly shaken and Anders had run off on them.

  
"Hawke, you need to sit down or something? You're looking even paler than you usually do." Varric asked as they descended the steps from the chantry.

  
"I had never seen a tranquil mage before. My father told me stories but I didn't know it would be so..."

  
She couldn't even finish the sentence. It had been frightening. To know that's what her future could be if she was ever caught. To be forever without emotions and merely a tool to be used when necessary.

  
"I don't understand what exactly happened to that mage. What is tranquil?" Fenris asked.

  
"You understand that mages are connected to the Fade. That's what gives us our abilities. When a mage is made tranquil their connection to the fade is severed permanently. But the side effect is that they loose all emotions. They no longer know passion, love, sadness, anger, nothing ever again."

  
He had nothing to say to her. He had not known that such a thing existed. That a mages power could be stripped away. He could see the fear it had instilled in her. But he chose to not say anything further on the matter. It did not seem the time or place.

  
***  
"He's an abomination Hawke!"

  
They had returned to Darktown the next morning to retrieve the maps from Anders. He explained that his little incident was a result of being possessed by a spirit of justice.

  
Hawke had tried to understand everything that Anders told her, but it was quite a bit of information to receive. She thanked him for the maps and told him she would return should she ever need him. That's when the argument with Fenris started.

  
"He's not really an abomination. He's possessed yes. But to be an abomination is to be possessed by a demon, Fenris, there is a difference sort of."

  
"I am not going to argue the semantics with you Hawke. Why do I do this? Why do I keep letting you drag me along?"

  
"I have always told you its your choice whether or not to come. It's not my fault you keep deciding to tag along. Don't like it then find a  new city to hide in!"

  
"You spiteful witch!"

  
"Yeah kiss my ass you angsty bigot!"

  
He had stormed off after that and had decided right there and then to pack his few belongings and leave. He was up the stairs when he heard the door open and the sound of bells. He turned around and there she was with a bottle of wine and bells hanging off her belt.

  
"I'm sorry."

  
She set the bottle of wine down on the floor and left. He told himself that her peace offering while admirable was not enough to convince him being around an abomination would be acceptable to him.

  
Somehow her simple gesture had convinced him to stay a little longer. A few days later she invited him out to the Hanged Man for a card game. When she promised that the abomination would not be there he agreed to show up. That's how he found himself outside the tavern staring up at the overly large statue of a man hanging above him, wondering to himself what drinking had to do with hanging.

  
"Carver for the last time if you want to go off on your own and make a name for yourself I am not stopping you."

  
"You no, just your name."

  
"I don't see how my name has anything to do with this."

  
"We're both Hawkes you know. Yet for some reason I'm stuck being Carver, Junior, or even worse Little Hawke. You would think that maybe perhaps you could just go by your given name and give me a chance to be known as something other than your little brother."

  
"First off that's not fair. I have never not given my first name when it was asked for. Athenril simply never called me Marian, she decided to call me Hawke. It's not my fault the name stuck."

  
"Of course there's always an excuse isn't there."

  
"Carver, fine you win. You're right I can't stand my name. I like being called Hawke. I enjoy it. Happy now."

  
"Well at least you're admitting it for once, Marian."

  
"Carver I swear. Oh, hey Fenris. Been waiting here long?"

  
He could tell that conversation was not one he was supposed to hear. The flush on her cheeks gave that much away at least.

  
"I arrived shortly before you. I was perplexed by this large hanging effigy. Do you know why they call this place the Hanged Man?"

  
Hawke flashed him a thankful smile. She knew he had heard everything. The fact that he was willing to overlook it brought much relief.

  
"I'm sure Varric does and he's always one for telling a story. So are you ready for some Wicked Grace?"

  
"Is that some sort of alcohol I should know about?"

  
"Are you daft elf? It's a card game. Where have you been under a rock?"

  
Hawke punched her brother in the arm and gave him an icy stare.

  
"No Carver, but I'm sure he hasn't exactly had the time to learn card games while trying to evade slave hunters you brainless git!"

  
Carver rubbed his arm and tried his best to give Fenris an apologetic shrug. Hawke turned back to him with a smile that was becoming quite familiar to him.

  
"I'm sure you'll pick it up quickly. Just keep an eye on Varric. He likes to cheat."

  
He didn't learn to play Wicked Grace that night. Instead he met a pirate, Isabela.

  
Somehow she convinced Hawke to help her ensure a duel went fairly, and as always with Hawke, it went badly.

  
"So am I to understand that you will befriend anyone?" Fenris asked after departing the chantry for the second time after committing an illegal act.

  
"I like people. To be honest I never had the chance to make many friends growing up. We moved a lot. I guess I'm making up for lost time."

  
"I suppose I should not be so judgmental. At least she told you exactly who she was and why she needed your help."

  
"Well we can't all introduce ourselves by ripping a man's heart out. It would get boring after awhile."

  
***  
When the next Wicked Grace night came along Carver was noticeably absent. Hawke brushed it off by saying that her brother wasn't feeling well and had decided to stay in. But Fenris knew it was probably a continuation of the argument he realized they must have a lot.

  
It took a few hands but it seemed that Wicked Grace was a game he excelled at. Even with Isabela making lewd remarks about wanting to peek under his armor and occasionally slipping cards into her bodice.

  
When it was time to depart Fenris offered to walk Hawke to her home.  
"It's a short walk Fenris I can handle myself."

  
"I would be remiss if I allowed you to walk alone considering the winnings you took home tonight."

  
"Hmm, point made."

  
They walked in silence listening to the sounds of the night. When they reached her door step she turned to him and nervously began twiddling her fingers.

  
"So I know you heard the argument I had with my brother."

  
"I did try to not listen but you Hawkes have very boisterous voices."

  
"Carver has decided he would like to venture out on his own. I have to make a delivery tomorrow up on Sundermount. I'd very much appreciate it if you came with me. Varric and Isabela will be coming as well. I know that you say you owe me a debt. But you are free to make your own choices. I would never force you to do anything."

  
"I will gladly accompany you to Sundermount."

  
"I will see you in the morning then."  
***  
First an abomination and now a blood mage. A Dalish blood mage. They had wandered up the damn mountain to perform a funeral for an amulet. Hawke had decided to not explain how it had come to be on her person. The elf, Merrill, said that it belonged to someone her people called Asha'bellanar. 

What she didn't tell them was she was a blood mage, no they had to find that out when she cut open her hand to remove a barrier blocking them from entering the graveyard. Hawke at least had the sense to agree that forbidden magic was forbidden for a reason. Yet she did not stray from the task at hand. 

Fenris should not have been surprised when a witch popped out of the amulet after Merrill had performed the rite. He should not have been surprised when the witch stared into his soul and remarked on the shackles that still held him. The fear that he would always serve his master in the end. For some reason he was not surprised when the witch turned into a dragon. No what surprised him was that Hawke actually escorted the blood mage to the alienage and then invited her to the next Wicked Grace night. She was actually going to continue associating with a blood mage.

  
An abomination, a pirate, and a damn blood mage. Why did he come to  Kirkwall ?

  
He wondered if perhaps he would be better off just leaving after all. His debt to her was not monetary, it was a debt of his conscience. One that could be easily forgotten like so much of his life. But he kept remembering how she didn't hesitate to help him when he believed Denarius was still in the city. She was the first person to ever look past his appearance and ask him questions about himself. She never pushed him to speak of anything he wasn't ready to discuss. She was everything he never expected in a mage.  
He had been fixating on the idea of leaving again when she asked him to accompany her to find a lost boy from the alienage.

  
"It seems as though he was taken by a slaver, I thought you may want to assist in bringing him down."

  
Her wry smile and the fact that she thought of him brought a smile to his face. When they found the man and she asked for his assistance in interrogation he was thrilled. When she calmly told him to execute the bastard he was overjoyed.

  
But what changed everything for him was when she sent the boy to the circle. The abomination was livid with her. He ranted on and on about freedoms and her hypocrisy. In the middle of his ravings she turned to him with a hard look.

  
"I do not need to justify my decisions to you Anders. Unless you plan to discuss this with me in a reasonable manner I suggest you walk away and cool your head."

  
Anders stormed off when they reached the ferry to the Gallows, claiming he had patients in the clinic waiting for him.

  
As they sailed towards the Gallows Fenris approached her while she stood at the bow. She stared out at the open waters towards the  Waking Sea with a dejected look in her eyes.

  
"Hawke, I would not presume to know why you have made this decision. But I am curious as to your reasons."

  
"My father began mine and  Bethany 's training as soon as even a hint of our magic had manifested. We were taught how to navigate our dreams and to avoid all temptations and offers from demons. We were taught vigilance and respect for our abilities and the price they came with. Feynriel has had no one to teach him. No one to give him the guidance to keep his power in check. Once the dreams begin they will not stop. He needs the circle. He needs training. He won't get it anywhere else." Hawke let out a deep sigh and a tear fall from her eye.

  
"Sometimes the circle is needed."

  
Fenris knew he could not leave her after that. He knew if anyone would ever be able to help him it would be her. She had her beliefs, but she did not hold to them with the zealotry he had seen from so many. She was willing to do whatever it took to keep a stranger safe from demons and his own power. How far would she go for him?

  
"Hawke, I am glad to call you my friend."

  
"It's about time you realized I was."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was harder to write than any of the others. I'm not the biggest fan of Anders, I won't deny it. Trying to write his dialogue is difficult. Hopefully I will become better at it as I go. Almost up to 100 hits, not gonna lie makes me pretty damn happy.


	7. Qunari Quandry

"Never again will I have dealings with the Qunari." Hawke flopped down into a chair in Varric's suite. Varric looked up from his papers and raised an eyebrow at her.

"Care to elaborate? Or shall I go down to the docks and let Bianca have a few words with them on your behalf?"

Hawke laughed and signaled Norah to bring her a pint.

"Somehow I don't think even Bianca can solve this one for me. To be honest I thought I could avoid them. But then we were ambushed on the damn coast by their Tal Vashoth. Fucking Javaris was right there too. Got all excited and took off on me saying he'd meet me at the compound. So of course being the kind soul I am I followed."

"You honestly could have just left him there and washed your hands of the whole mess."

"I thought about it trust me. But I remembered what happened to the farmers in Lothering who were caught unawares by a Qunari. I wasn't about to let him be left out on a limb."

"I take it your kindness was not rewarded."

"In a ways yes. We get to the compound and there's Javaris standing at the bottom of some sort of dais. Which reminds me, Varric have you seen the Arishok? I mean actually seen him."

"I have not had the displeasure as of yet."

"He's huge. He must be at the least seven feet tall and he has these massive horns coming out the back of his skull, which I'm sure impede clothing choices so that explains why he goes around bare chested. Gold rings in his ears and claws that would rip your skin to shreds. Top it off this deep booming voice that is not only intimidating but so quiet you're left to be completely silent while he speaks so you don't miss a damn word."

Norah brought a tankard to the table and Hawke drank half in two gulps. She held it with both hands and took a deep breath before continuing.

"So as I said we walk in and suddenly Fenris starts talking in Qun. I shit you not Varric he just starting talking Qun like it was his first language."

"Huh, so Broody speaks three languages by my count now."

"I think I prefer him speaking in Tevene. Thank the Maker he has had relations with the Qunari otherwise I think it might have gone badly, well worse than it did. Turns out Javaris was mistaken. The Arishok promised him nothing; Javaris merely assumed there was a bargain to be made and did not clarify if there would be a reward."

"I told you to not get involved with it Hawke. I have avoided the Qunari by staying out."

"I need the coin Varric. We don't have much time before your brother is ready to depart and I'm only half way there. We did get paid. A lousy fifty silver but we got paid. Fenris offered to kill Javaris for the offense but I decided it was best to avoid any other complications."

"He offered to kill Javaris for you?"

"Me? No, for the Arishok. Apparently his assumptions were offensive enough to warrant it. As soon as the money was in my hand I came here."

Varric reached a hand out to his friend and gave her a pat on the shoulder. Hawke smiled and continue to sip her ale.

"The next time I see a Qunari will be too soon."

Too soon turned out to be less than three days. Rumors abounded that the viscount's son needed rescuing from a Qunari kidnapper. So Hawke, Varric, Fenris and Merrill made their way out to the Wounded Coast to hopefully find the boy before the Winters did.

Hope it seems was wasted on them. They found the boy, but not before the Winters. Their captain did not take too kindly to him refusing to come with her. Hawke thought for a moment that a retreat would be better, but then the captain threatened to cut out the boys tongue.

After what seemed like hours the entire Winters company had been taken out. Varric was searching their camp for loot while Merrill tried to calm Seamus, the viscount's son, down. His Qunari kidnapper turned out to be his friend, his very dead friend now. Hawke was searching the bodies for coin when she saw that Fenris was bleeding badly from a wound on his arm.

"Fenris you got hit."

"Yes I tried to feint left but she wasn't fooled. She swung right at me. I managed to deflect it for the most part."

"It needs healing. I don't have any elf root either. Hold on give me your arm." Hawke held her hands over him and a soft blue glow began to emanate from her fingers.

"Get away from me you damned mage woman!" Fenris jumped up and backed away from Hawke his angry words spitting from his mouth.

"Do not touch me with that filth!"

"Hey! You better calm down right now Broody or Bianca is going to have something to say about it." Varric came to stand by Hawke's side. Merrill looked over at them nervously but did not interfere. Fenris glared at all of them and stalked away to the shoreline and sat on the first rock he could find.

"It's fine Varric, I can take care of this."

Varric nodded and made a point to keep Hawke in his view as she walked over to the elf.

"Fenris I am so sorry. I should have remembered your feelings on magic. But that cut is deep and I'm worried you will end up bleeding out before we get back to the city. It's getting dark and we will most likely have to camp here. Now I can either heal you, or I can rip up my tunic and we can wrap it and hope for the best."

Fenris wouldn't look at her, but he put his arm out to her and closed his eyes.

She held her hands over is arm and let a gentle wave of healing magic flow out. She watched the skin come back together and pushed harder on her mana. His tattoos lit up and she heard him suck in a deep breath. She looked up at him and he was staring at her with a look of awe. When his skin had healed over with nary a hint of a scar she pulled away and sank into the sand, her mana completely drained.

He looked down at his arm and flexed his muscles. He would not have been able to lift his sword had she not healed him. He would have been defenseless should anyone ambush them. But his stubbornness and fear had driven him to suffer rather than seek her help.

She sat in the sand breathing hard. She felt as though all her energy had been sapped and her vision was blurry. She felt him kneel down beside her and his arm tentatively went across her shoulders. He took her hand and helped her to stand back up leading her to the camp that Varric and Merrill had assembled.

She sat by the fire and took the water skin Varric offered her.

"Shall I take the first watch then?" Varric asked.

Hawke nodded and stared into the flames. Merrill was chattering away to Seamus about her clan while the young man's eyes glazed over. After a modest dinner Hawke looked to see that Fenris had set up her bed roll for her.

They said no words merely nodded to one another in acknowledgement. As always Fenris would take second watch. He never slept well when they were camped out. He did not like the idea of being out in the open and vulnerable. Hawke laid down and let herself drift into the Fade.

She awoke as the first rays were peeking over the horizon. She sat up and saw Fenris sitting by the fire watching the pathway.

"You didn't wake me for the next watch. Have you been up all night?"

"I thought you would need rest after exerting yourself the way that you did."

Picking up her water skin she got up to sit down beside him closer to the slowly dwindling fire. She passed it to him and stretched her legs out.

"I feel I should apologize for my behavior. You did not deserve my anger and I am ashamed for attacking you the way I did."

"I understand why you did. I should have asked you first."

"Even still my behavior was unacceptable."

"How is your arm?"

"It's perfect actually. I didn't know you could do healing."

"I'm not as good as I would like to be. But that was a simple one. It’s more for simple wounds but can be increased if I sacrifice my mana. I pushed myself to heal it completely though. I may take Anders up on his offer to teach me more."

They sat in silence until the rest of their companions awoke.

As they made their way back to Kirkwall Fenris couldn't help but think of how her magic had felt. He had healing magic used on him before while he had been bodyguard to Denarius. It had never been pleasant, always felt as though his markings would burst. But her magic had been soothing. Even when his skin had come together and sealed it had never once hurt him. It was as though all the pain had left him at once.

He could feel a mages magic when it was being cast. Denarius's magic felt like a hot iron being pressed on his skin. Anders was thick like honey and the feeling stuck to him. Merrill's magic could be likened to dust settling everywhere but it scattered once she was done. Hawke though, her magic was like the wind. It could hit you like a gust or dance along your skin like a breeze. When she healed him, it was like standing on a cliff with the sea air flowing over him touching every inch of his skin.

He resolved to try to remember that she was his friend. That his prejudices against her kind were not warranted.

After the viscount's son had been safely returned and their reward given the group began to make their way to their respective homes. Fenris walked with them to the top of the stairs to Lowtown.

Hawke turned to him and said.

"Let’s just try to avoid anymore dealings with Qunari."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow 85 hits. I'm completely baffled. I started this just to get it all out my head but now that I know so many are reading it I feel like if I stop thats a lot of people I will be letting down.


	8. Hawke gets Cheeky

She awoke with a splitting headache in a bed that was not hers. The events of the previous day played out in her head. She opened her eyes and saw a very tall, very angry looking elf with a nasty bruise covering the left side of his face.

  
"Oh shit. Fenris I know there's a lot of things I need to say but my head feels like a horde of dwarves are mining for lyrium in it. So if the yelling could wait I would greatly appreciate it."

  
He held a glass of water just out of her reach. She went to grab for it.

  
"Hawke."

  
She gave him a dirty look and reached for the glass again, he pulled it away.

  
"Hawke."

  
"Fenris do not even think of saying one more word. Just give me the damn water."

  
"Hawke."

  
"Fenris I mean it not one more word."

  
"Hawke!"

  
"Ok fine. I know, I said we wouldn't have anymore dealings with the Qunari. I swore up and down we would stay away from them. So agreeing to escort a Qunari mage out of  Kirkwall was a bad idea."

  
"And?"

  
"And it probably wasn't a good idea to tell the Arvaarad that I was a mage."  
"And?"

  
"It also wasn't a good idea to then threaten a chantry sister and then storm off to the Hanged Man."

  
"And?"

  
"It also probably wasn't a good idea to get hammered in the middle of the day and go storming down to the docks to tell the Arishok exactly what I think of their practices as far as mages are concerned."

  
"And?"

  
"And I'm sorry that I kicked you in the face while you were hauling me away for my own good."

  
He handed her the glass of water which she downed in one gulp. He sat at the foot of the bed while she administered her healing spell to her head. When she was done she motioned to his face. He nodded and leaned forward. She lightly pressed her hand to his cheek and the soft blue glow that was her magic flowed out. When the spell finished her land lingered and came away slowly as their eyes met.

  
"I'm sorry. I keep getting you into situations I'm sure you would rather not be involved in."

  
"I choose to follow you do I not?"

  
"How did I end up in your bed?"

  
"Carver saw me dragging you away from the docks. He said it would probably be best to not let your mother see you like that. Since Isabela was the one who kept giving you shots I did not think it wise to bring you anywhere near her. I did not think bringing a drunken human into the alienage would help Merrill stay unnoticed and Aveline would have thrown you in the drunk tank for your own good."

  
Hawke nodded and began to stretch. She peeked under the covers and saw that she wasn't wearing any pants.

  
"Do I want to know where my pants are?"

  
"I retrieved them for you and have them folded up on the bench. When I finally got you here you promptly removed them and began to dance around the mansion declaring that you no longer wished to be burdened by them."

Hawke smacked herself in the head, this is why she should never do shots. He got up and handed her pants to her, and left the room to preserve what little modesty she had left.

  
"I would offer you breakfast but the pantry here is bare. I do not often shop for food, I am too conspicuous to be out and about during the day."

"I'd be more than happy to treat you to breakfast Fenris. It's the least I can do for your timely intervention last night."

"Very well, lead the way then."

They made their way to a small stand in Lowtown that Hawke swore made the best meat pies he would ever have. They ate and walked about the bazaar and he saw her examine a set of daggers.

  
"I have never met a mage interested in blades. In fact I don't know if I ever mentioned this but I am always amazed when I see you utilize your staff for more than just casting."

  
"Noticed that did you? My father always said the biggest mistake with magic is to believe it is unlimited. You need to know how to defend yourself when magic is not usable. I Have always made a point to keep a blade on myself at all times."

  
"Have you always used a bladed staff?"

  
"When we came to  Kirkwall I left my staff behind. It drew too much attention. Athenril had a former pike man working for her. He taught me a few moves and I have never used a staff without a blade since."

  
"It is remarkable to watch you fight."

  
"You're getting a lot better with your flattery." Hawke said bumping her hip into his gently.

  
He escorted her home and when she turned to leave he swatted her hard on the bottom. She gasped and turned to face him.

  
"Dare I ask what that was for?"

  
"When I was carrying you last night you pinched me on the ass and called me a 'cheeky devil', it seemed only fair to return the favor."

  
"I had been hoping I imagined that, do I need to apologize again?"

  
"I didn't ask for one this morning did I? Farewell Hawke."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost to 100, I love you whoever you are


	9. The First Sacrifice

Aveline came storming into the Hanged Man with an angry look in her eyes. She marched into Varric's suite slammed her hands down on the table and stared the dwarf straight in the face.

  
"Where is Fenris?"

  
"Shouldn't you be asking Hawke that question? Those two have been joined at the hip since her drunken escapades down at the docks."

  
"Hawke is currently at Anders clinic. She was attacked by shades while looking for some damn Orlesians harlot wife."

  
"I don't understand what does that have to do with the elf."

  
"He wasn't with her. He decided to hold a grudge over that whole mess with the Templars getting possessed. He apparently took offense at her vouching for the recruit being safe which allowed to keep his job."

  
"Damn it all. She asked me to come but I had to go to a merchant’s guild meeting. Bartrand threatened to cut me out of the expedition if I missed another one. Who went with her?"

  
"Merrill, Isabella and Anders."

  
"Shit I can already see how that went. Daisy still isn't used to combat and Anders isn't much for it either. Is Hawke going to be ok?"

  
"I certainly hope so. I am going to kick that elf’s ass when I see him though."  
***  
Isabela was pissed. She didn't ask for much in this world. A good strong wind, hard liquor, and a lover who knew when to cuddle and when to piss off. The only one of those things she had gotten in recent memory was the liquor and even that wouldn't be enough to quell her temper.

  
"I told her that looking for that sleazy man's wife was a waste of time. We'd have been better off just forgetting the whole mess when we found out the Templar was looking into it."

  
"I don't think Hawke quite intended it to go this way though. Nobody asks for bad things to happen." Merrill was trying to be helpful pressing a poultice against the wound on Isabela's arm. Hawke's injuries were far worse. She had jumped in front of Merrill and attempted a downward cut on the shade that had closed in. She didn't see the other one behind her. It had ripped across her back and left her bleeding on the ground. Anders tended to it as best he could but said he would need lyrium to boost his strength. So the three of them shambled their way to Darktown all while trying to stop Hawke from bleeding to death.

  
"I hate to say this but we should have asked lady man hands to come along. I can't be the only one with blades when we go out on these little jaunts."

  
"Aveline has been so busy what with the promotion coming up. She's got to do extra training with the men and learn all the city bylaws."

  
"What about Fenris?" Why the bloody hell didn't he come?"

  
"Oh he and Hawke had that bad fight a week ago. We were helping that poor woman find her brother, the missing templar recruit. When we found him there was worry that he might be possessed. These crazy mages were kidnapping the recruits and possessing them to send back to the circle to cause an uprising. I checked him myself though he was fine. But Fenris went off on a rant saying there were no guarantees and that feeling sorry for him and his sister was no excuse for being stupid." Merrill had seen the look on Hawke’s face when Fenris had said that to her. It was like she had been slapped.

  
Anders came out of the back room where he had been tending to Hawke. Wiping her blood off his hands onto a rag.

  
"She was helping the Templars?"

  
"Oh don't start this now. Last thing I need to hear right now is more diatribes about mages and templars. I'm not drunk enough to just ignore it."

  
"I didn't realize you were ever sober."

  
"Oh you're a funny one today aren't you? Is she ok?"

  
"She will live and there are no scars. But she is going to need a lot of sleep. These cots aren't exactly good for long term use though. We should find a way to get her home."

  
"I'll see to that." Isabela stood up and began to make her way to Hightown. She and the elf were going to have a bit of a chat.

  
***  
Fenris was sharpening his blade when he heard the front door kicked open. He jumped up and was ready for a fight when he heard a familiar voice.

  
"Listen here you broody little shit, I'm giving you to the count of three to drag your ass down here or I'm coming up to do it for you."

  
Isabela was in the foyer when he came out of the bedroom. She glared up at him one of her blades already drawn.

  
"I'd like to see you try. Do you have some particular reason for coming here and kicking down my door?"

  
"I've got two very good reasons. Number one you've been a little shit for the last week and everyone can tell when you and Hawke have been fighting. Number two, Hawke is laying unconscious in Anders clinic because we were ambushed by shades and I was the only set of blades she had to come along."

  
Fenris felt his throat close up. He had been upset yes. He had been avoiding her yes. But he had forgotten that without him she had no defense. She had needed him since Carver had all but abandoned her and Aveline had been too busy with her guard duties.

  
"Is she going to be ok?"

  
"I should lie and tell you no just so you can feel like even more of an ass. But yes she is going to make it; Anders says there won't even be a scar. But she lost a lot of blood and is going to need a great deal of rest. We need to get her home. Darktown is no place for her to be right now."

  
Fenris followed her to the clinic with a heavy feeling in his chest. She could have been killed. She would have died and the last thing he had said to her was that she was stupid.

  
When he got to the clinic Varric was already there. The dwarf gave him a hard look but then let out a heavy sigh.

  
"I spoke with Junior; he says their mother cannot see her like this. She can stay in my suite. I'll bunk up with Isabela until she's ready to go back home."

  
"I'm too exhausted to make something out of that Varric. Remind me in the morning to come up with a good one."

  
"You got it Rivaini."  
**  
Fenris lifted Hawke and carried her to the Hanged Man. He laid her down in Varric's bed and pulled a chair so he could stay at her side. She was deathly pale and her eyes were sunken in. Her long hair was in disarray, her ribbon lost somewhere. He sat and watched her sleep through the night. In the morning Aveline came by and stared him down. He gave her a pained look that said he already knew. He knew what his stubbornness had nearly caused. She grabbed a chair and sat down.

  
"She is going to be fine." Aveline said softly.

  
"I should have been there."

  
"My husband Wesley was struck in the back just like she was. We were fleeing the chaos that was Ostagar. I wasn't fast enough to stop the hit. I blamed myself for months. I even blamed Hawke. Did she ever tell you it was her who put him down?"

  
"She only told me that he had needed a mercy killing, that he had caught the Blight sickness."

  
"He did, there was no saving him. I didn't have it in me to spare my own husband from the agony. He deserved mercy and I couldn't bring myself to give it to him. But she did, he was a stranger, and a Templar, yet she gave him mercy."

  
"I don't understand."

  
"I know you and her tend to butt heads and disagree on a lot of things. But I thought you should know that everything she does comes from her heart. She does what she thinks is right."

  
Fenris sat in silence. He had nothing to say. There was nothing he could say. He simply reached out and held Hawke’s hand as he watched her chest rise and fall.

  
"You should get some sleep."

  
"I will sleep when she is awake again and I can tell her how sorry I am."

  
"Fenris, I'm sure she already knows."

  
***  
The Fade was a terrible place to be when you're injured. She knew she had been hurt badly. The pain as the shades claws had ripped her back to shreds had been enough to knock her out. She remembered bits and pieces of being taken to the clinic. Of Anders healing her and telling her to hold on. She remembered hearing Merrill tell her everything would be ok. She thought she might finally be going crazy because she swore at some point Fenris was carrying her. After that there was no escaping the final plunge.

  
"Hawke your power with mine could shake the very foundations of the world."

  
"Not interested, seriously I have had this conversation more times than I can count. My body is healed, it's resting. I don't need saving."

  
"Don't you want revenge against whoever set you up? Aren't you angry at what's happened to you?"

  
"No I'm not angry. In fact I have never felt more at peace with the world."

  
"But what about pleasures darling. You have none of those. Your sweet little body has never even known a man's touch. I could make your first time and all your other times sweet ecstasy."

  
"Ah yes because abominations get all the dates."

  
Hawke looked at the three demons that had come to tempt her. Pride, Rage and Desire. They could give her anything she wanted. But all she wanted was to wake up. She finally felt a stirring that told her that her body was ready. She closed her eyes and waited to resurface.

  
***  
Not my bed, she thought to herself. My bed is not this comfortable. She opened her eyes slowly and took stock of where she was. Varric's suite of course. They would have been smart enough to not bring her within sight of her mother. Even at twenty three her mother would have had her on a week long lock down if she had seen what happened.

  
As she began to embrace consciousness she realized someone was holding her hand. She looked down and saw a familiar shock of white hair. Fenris was sitting in a chair next to the bed. He had laid his head down next to her and was holding her hand; his other arm was across her stomach.  
She lifted her other hand and gently stroked a finger down the side of his face.

  
"Fenris wake up." She whispered softly. He stirred and opened his eyes, when they met hers he sat up quickly taking her hand into both of his.

  
"You're awake." He brought her hand to his forehead and breathed a hard sigh of relief.

  
"I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I should have been there."

  
"Oh please don't start with that. I swear Fenris our entire friendship seems to be based on apologizing to one another."

  
She pulled her hand away from him and went to pull herself into a sitting position. He lifted the pillows and propped them up behind her.

  
"How long have I been out?"

  
"About a day and a half."

  
"Have you been here this whole time?"

  
"Yes."

  
She reached out to him and he took her hand again. When had touch ever felt like this he wondered? He had shied away from it for so long, the pain always there. She made it seem so far away. Her touch was always just right, always gentle and never too much to bear.

  
"No more apologizing Fenris. We are who we are and we should stop being sorry for it. I knew I should just come talk to you, that we could talk it out. But you called me stupid and my pride took the hit. I also knew I had no business going to that foundry with only one set of blades. But I was stubborn and was putting off having to come see you, and I was avoiding having to ask my brother. I brought this on myself."

  
"I swear to you Hawke I will always come when you need me. I will be there." He knew it to be true. Seeing her helpless was enough to chase away any doubts he had about her and her decisions. Whether he agreed with them or not, he would not leave her again.

  
"Well good because there's a criminal hiding out in some caves on the coast and there's a reward for drawing him out."

  
Fenris laughed and shook his head. This woman would be the death of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over 100 hits! I had no idea so many people would read this. Next chapter will be up shortly. I felt a great deal of inspiration tonight.


	10. Before the Deep Roads

She finally had the coin. She had dealt with possessed templars, Qunari, run away mages, and more shades than she could ever care to count.

  
She had saved a little elven girl from being killed by a madman. Inherited half a share in a mine just for killing a dragon.

  
She had helped her friend get promoted to captain of the guard. She had met a run away slave who despite his hatred for mages had become her best friend.

  
She had met a possessed Grey warden who had caused her to have her own doubts about the necessity of control over her kind.

  
She had met her first Dalish elf, and had realized that it was possible to meet a blood mage who wasn't on a quest for total domination.

  
She had met a pirate and learned more about drinking and sexual innuendos than she thought was possible. She also learned how to hide a dagger in her breast band.

  
She had met a dwarf who she suspected had arranged their first meeting. She also suspected that he was writing everything down that happened to her and the merry band of misfits she had acquired.

  
She realized though that for all she had gained in the way of friends, she had lost her family. Carver had been growing more and more distant from her. He had claimed he wanted to find himself and make his own way. He was never home when she was. Her mother was always asking if she had seen him, and it pained her to have to admit she hadn't. He never even checked on her after her near death experience. Had only come by when she was still unconscious to tell her friends not to bring her home, to save her mother from the trauma of seeing her eldest on the brink of death.

  
So when he had come round when she was setting up to leave for the Deep Roads she was livid.

  
"You're kidding right? I have been busting my ass trying to get this coin together. Where have you been for the last two months?"

  
"I took a job with the Red Iron. The mercenary company you decided not to join up with when we got here. I've been saving up all my pay to help you."

  
"You could have said something. You could have told me. I didn't know where you were half the time. I was convinced you had run back to Ferelden until mother mentioned having dinner with you."

  
"I thought that if I told you what I was doing you would try to talk me out of it. That you would want me to keep following you."

  
"Damn it Carver I have never once told you that you had to follow me. You have always been able to do what you wanted, to go off on your own. I think you just wanted to put it in my face that you weren't going to be around anymore. You wanted to hurt me."

  
"Maybe I did. It's not easy being your brother."

  
"Like its any easier being your sister."

  
Leandra came home while they were arguing. She stepped in between her children and did her best to diffuse the situation.

  
"Please can the two of you just get along? You haven't seen each other in weeks and yet all you do is fight. Carver do you really want the last conversation you have with your sister, before she leaves, to be an argument?"

  
"What do you mean before she leaves? We haven't agreed on whether or not I'm going too."

  
"I thought you had spoken already. I asked your sister not to bring you. I didn't want both of you going down there. I know she needs to go because she has a partnership in it, but you don't need to go too."

  
"So the two of you made the decision for me then? I don't get to make decisions for myself anymore?"

  
"You know what Carver, if you had come to me two months ago and said you wanted to work for Red Iron to help save up the money I might have made a different choice. But you just had to make a point. I don't need you coming with me. I haven't needed you at all. So no, you're not coming."

  
"Fine, I hope you're happy. Try not to get killed down there."

  
***  
They were having their last card game before the expedition left. Varric was putting everything on his tab and they were taking full advantage of it.

  
"All right Hawke, whose it going to be? Who gets to brave the Deep Roads with us?" Varric asked while shuffling the cards.

  
"Well as you all know our dear Aveline has finally been promoted to captain of the guard."

  
"Three cheers for Aveline!" Merrill cried out already drunk off just one pint. Isabela pulled her back down into her seat and ruffled the little mages hair.

  
"As such it is not a very good idea for the newly promoted guard captain to abandon her duties to go chasing down darkspawn and Dwarven treasure. So it is with a heavy heart that I bid farewell to you my friend."

  
"A fond farewell to you as well Hawke. I wouldn't be here if not for you." Aveline raised her glass and they all toasted one another.

  
"Anders my dear you have made it very clear that you would like to stay as far away from the deep roads as possible. You are also doing a lot of good for the refugees here. I would not see them lose their only healer. So I also bid a farewell to you."

  
"Perhaps you'll be gone long enough for me to actually restock my stores." The group laughed at that. With the amount of scrapes they had all gotten into Anders hardly had enough supplies to tend to his patients.

  
"Merrill, my sweet little Merrill. You have been staying inside your little home far too much. You have lived such a sheltered life for so long. Would you like to come with me to the Deep Roads?"

  
"Oh my Hawke this is so unexpected. I didn't think, oh what am I saying, yes of course! An adventure, a real adventure, thank you."

  
Merrill nearly came out of her chair again in excitement and leaned across the table to give Hawke a hug which almost spilled all the cups off the table.

  
"Isabela, I think we both know what you would say if I asked you to come with me."

  
"Not even if there was a ship down there for me."

  
"This is why I must also bid a farewell to you. Try to leave some alcohol for me when I get back."

  
"I make no promises." Isabela reached out and pulled Hawke to her; she planted a loud kiss right on her lips and smirked at the reactions of everyone at the table.

  
"I wonder what you would have done if I had asked you to come after all."  
"You'll never know now."

  
Hawke turned to Fenris finally. He knew this night would come eventually. She would say goodbye and he would sit and wait for her to return. When he had met her six months earlier he had not expected her to become his friend, nor even his closest one. She was everything to him and he was only realizing it now that he had to say good bye.

  
"Fenris you were there for me when my tit of a brother decided to go make a name for himself elsewhere. We have fought more times than I can count. We've apologized just as much. You saved me from a drunken rampage through the Qunari compound. You were there when I woke up from the edge of death. I can't think of anyone else who I want at my side more than you. Will you come with me to the Deep Roads?"

  
He was in shock. If he had had a cup to his lips when she had spoken it would have all come out. Everyone had always thought Carver would go with her. His absence as of late had been noticed but no one realized just how far apart the Hawke siblings had grown.

  
"What about your brother?"

  
"I don't want to talk about Carver. He's made his choices and I've made mine. So what do you say? How's about you come with me somewhere that Denarius won't be able to follow."

  
"I will enjoy following you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised the next chapter. We're finally at the end of Act 1. I'm looking forward to writing about the deep roads. Hope you enjoyed getting to this point. I know I enjoyed writing it. I just realized that I have been spelling Isabela's name wrong this whole time. Had to go back and edit everything.


	11. Into the Deep

She knew she couldn't have gotten more than a few hours sleep. She had spent the night at a room in the Hanged Man that Varric had kindly paid for. 

  
"This will be the last night you get to sleep in a real bed for quite some time. May as well be a comfortable one."

  
Still she spent the night tossing. She had dreams of Carver following her and dying just as Bethany did. She dreamt of darkspawn closing in on her and her magic failing at the last minute. When she awoke in a cold sweat after seeing both Merrill and Fenris dying in her arms she gave up and waited for sunlight to peek through her window. There was a light knocking at her door and she heard her mother on the other side.

  
"Marian love, its mother. I'd hoped to see you off and maybe have a bit of breakfast with you."

  
"I'm awake mother come in."

  
Leandra opened the door and Hawke could see that she had been crying. 

  
"Mother?"

  
Leandra came over to the bed and sat beside her oldest and embraced her. She stroked the top of her head just as she had when Hawke was a child and woke up from her first nightmares in the Fade. 

  
"My little baby bird is flying the nest."

  
"I can't remember the last time you called me that."

  
"You haven't been my baby for quite some time. I think you stopped being that when the twins were born. You went from being a baby bird to a mother hen."

  
Hawke laughed remembering when the twins would run rough shod on their mother. There were times she had joined in, and there were times when she would play the role of big sister, putting them in their place.

  
"Be careful my darling. Don't go running off into danger."

  
"I'm coming back; I promise I am coming back."

  
"I love you Marian."

  
"I love you too mother."

  
***  
"How long have we been down here?" Hawke asked as she laid out her bedroll. 

  
"If my count is correct about a week and a half." Varric had been keeping track of the days as best as he could. Lack of sunlight had meant that they traveled until Bartrand decided it was time to stop and make camp. He had to remind his brother often that sleep and food were still a necessity.

  
"What are we looking for exactly?"

  
"According to the texts my brother acquired there should be a thaig somewhere below the Free Marches. The dwarves had a city under every major human settlement at one time."

  
"I hope we find whatever he is looking for soon."

  
Hawke had been overwhelmed at first by the carvings and pillars. There was great beauty in the craftsmanship. But eventually every archway looked the same. Every cave in that had them back tracking became a hindrance instead of an adventure. Even the warmth from the rivers of lava running under the stone was becoming too much. 

  
Fenris and Merrill were faring no better than she was. It seemed that Merrill truly lived up to the nickname Varric had given her; lack of sunshine was wilting the little daisy. She would wake up every morning looking a little gloomier. Varric finally decided to start walking with her and tell her stories. With each one she seemed to brighten a little more. In time she began to share stories from her people and they established a bond that kept both their spirits up.

  
Fenris had not slept through the night once. He would always be awake when they laid down to sleep and was awake when they rose. The circles under his eyes grew darker with each passing day and Hawke knew something needed to be done before he collapsed from exhaustion. 

  
"Fenris, I know you're not sleeping."

  
His eyes met hers and he nodded in agreement. He was too tired to argue with her or to tell her not to bother herself with his problems.

  
"I am unable to sleep. I know there are plenty keeping watch but I cannot bring myself to trust that I am safe."

  
"I might be able to help you, if you will let me."

  
She laid her bedroll next to his and gestured for him to lie down. He gave her a puzzled look but followed her none the less. Once he was comfortable she sat down just above his head.

  
"I'm going to touch you so don't panic. Just close your eyes."

  
He did as she asked though he did not understand what was happening. He felt her fingers as she caressed the top of his head. Gently she began run her fingers through his hair, her nails just scraping his scalp. She began to use more pressure and traced intricate patterns over his head her nails brushing behind his ears. He felt the whole world fall away from him and all that existed was her and her hands. He drifted off into darkness and welcomed it gladly.

  
When he awoke she was beside him. His arm had fallen over her and she was so close to him he could feel her breathe. He tentatively reached up to brush her hair out of her face. He had never seen her look so peaceful. She stirred at his touch and opened her eyes and smiled.

  
"Sleep well?"

  
"Surprisingly yes, what did you do to me?"

  
She let out a soft laugh as she sat up.

  
"I massaged your head. When I was little and I had bad dreams my mother would run her fingers through my hair until I fell back to sleep. I thought it might help you relax."

  
"It was amazing. Like sinking into a tub of warm water."

  
"I'm just happy you finally got some sleep."

  
After that every night they laid their bedrolls next to each other. Varric had given them some funny looks at first but eventually he let it go. Each night Hawke would run her fingers through his hair until he would drift away. He would wake up and she would be there, sometimes his arm would be thrown over her or her hands would be resting against his chest.

  
One night he was startled awake by her sudden thrashing. She was having a nightmare and was whimpering in her sleep. He pulled her to him and following her example he stroked her hair. He let his fingers run through her long tresses. He whispered calming words into her ear until she finally settled. She let out a deep breath and murmured his name. He pulled her closer and whispered hers back.

  
***  
Not this nightmare again she thought to herself. It was always the same. They were running from Lothering and the Blight. Every time she would watch helplessly as Bethany died. But this time something was wrong.

Bethany wasn't there. It was only her and Carver. The ogre came barreling at them and he ran to face it. She screamed for him to stop but he didn't listen. He never listened. She watched in horror as the ogre ripped her baby brother to pieces. She screamed and could not run. Her feet were stuck to the ground. The ogre went to charge at her when suddenly there was a flash of blue light.

 

Fenris appeared and with two great swings took the monster down. He turned to face her and held out his hand. She let him pull her into an embrace; her last memories in the dream were him whispering her name to her softly.   
***  
Hawke awoke to find herself with her back pressed up against Fenris's chest. His arm holding her tight against him and his face nestled into her shoulder. It was a glorious feeling. One of safety that she had not felt for some time. His uneven breathing against her neck told her he was already awake. 

  
"Hawke?" He said whispering in her ear.

  
"Good morning."

  
He loosened his grip on her and she rolled over to face him, resting her hand on his hip hesitantly.

  
"So how did we end up spooning, not that I am complaining, I'm just curious as to how that came about."

  
"You were crying in your sleep. I thought perhaps to help you as you helped me."

  
"You did, I saw you in the fade. You saved me. I won't say from what but you were there."

  
"You saw me in your dreams?"

  
"Yes, and it made me realize you know something about me that you haven't admitted to yet."

  
"I do?"

  
"Yes you do. If you think really hard I'm sure you'll remember."

  
He thought about it for a moment and realized what he had been whispering to her in the night. 

  
"Marian."

  
"Yes."

  
"It's a beautiful name."

  
"Thank you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been wanting to write a chapter like this for so long. I feel like they had to have built a bond down there, and i wanted to show the friendship building even more. I hope you enjoyed it. Next chapter is done, just needs some more editing. We'll be checking in on everyone who stayed back in Kirkwall.


	12. Meanwhile

Isabela was bored. She had been spending her days wandering all of Kirkwall learning its backways. She spent her nights at the Hanged Man getting drunk and looking for a tumble or two. After a week she had enough and decided to check up on Anders to see if he was faring any better.

  
She found him in his clinic cleaning up what appeared to be vomit.

  
"Do I want to know what happened in here?"

  
"Little boy ate deep mushrooms. He was starving and thought they were like the mushrooms his father grew."

  
"Did he make it?"

  
Anders shook his head sadly and continued to clean. 

  
"I came down because I was wondering if anyone is else is a bored as I am. I hate to admit it but without Hawke and Varric I seem to be quite lonely."

  
"Running a free clinic in the poorest part of the city tends to keep one busy. But I miss them too. Maybe not the elf but the others yes."

  
"Let's see if we can get Carver and Aveline to join us for Wicked Grace. It will be fun."

  
"I suppose I could use a break from all this."

  
She had managed to convince the mage now she needed the others. She ventured up to Viscount's Keep and found Aveline moving her things into the captain’s quarters.

  
"Hey there big girl."

  
"Isabela, dare I ask what you are doing here?"

  
"I'm bored, Anders had a rough day and I thought maybe we could still have our Wicked Grace night."

  
"You're doing this for Anders?"

  
"Not entirely, I did mention I was bored didn't I?"

  
"Very well I am off tonight. Just the three of us?"

  
"I'm going to see if I can strong arm Carver into coming out."

  
"Good luck with that. Carver can be quite the tit and he's still sore about being left behind."

  
"I'll see if I can soothe that wound enough to get him to join us."

  
"Whore."

  
"You know it."

  
The only benefit Isabela had going for her in this case was that she knew Carver was interested in her. He had made that clear several times while they had been out with Hawke on one of her treks. He had fumbled over his words a lot but the intent was there. She wouldn't mind a tumble with him, but she wasn't sure how his sister would react.

  
She knocked on the door of the Hawke residence and waited. Leandra answered and immediately looked worried.

  
"Isabela, is everything all right has there been news?"

  
"News? Oh from Hawke you mean. No nothing like that. I came by to see if Carver is about."

  
"He's not here actually. Left this morning and said he was headed down to the docks for something. Might be able to find him there."

  
"Thank you."

  
So it was off to the docks. She was beginning to wonder why she was bothering. They didn't need Carver to have a game, and he had avoided the lot of them for the last few months. Still he was a friend and Isabela had few of those.

  
She was wandering the docks staring wistfully at the boats when she saw Carver on the ferry coming from the Gallows. That's odd, she thought to herself. What business could he have there? 

  
"Oi there Carver. Miss me?"

  
"Isabela hello, I did not think I would be seeing you what with my sister gone."

  
"I thought we were friends. Can't a friend come looking for a friend?"

  
"You're friends with my sister; I was just an unwilling tag along."

  
"This why no one invites you anywhere Carver, you really are a tit." She turned to leave when he stopped her.

  
"I'm sorry; I know I can be a bit of an ass."

  
"A bit?"

  
"Ok a lot of an ass. I'm just angry with her is all. I know why she was upset with me and I know I went about things in the wrong way. I just couldn't believe she would really leave me behind."

  
"You know I'm really not one for talking about our feelings and such, but I'm pretty sure she did it more for your mother's sake. Didn't want to risk both of your lives and leave your mother alone with only Gamlen and the dog."

  
"You're probably right, but all I can think of is her telling me she didn't need me and that she didn't want me."

  
"You know how I manage my crew? Tough love. You don't baby the people under you. They get soft when you do that, and soft sailors lead to trouble on the water. Perhaps she thinks a bit of tough love is what you needed. You really were an ass."

  
"You might be right. Hanged Man tonight then?"

  
"Yes and your piss poor attitude gets left at home Junior." She gave him a wink and sauntered off her hips swaying.

  
***  
"Oh shit shit shit!" Carver was in her bed. Carver was naked in her bed. She was naked with Carver in her bed. Hawke was going to kill her. Isabela poked him in the arm trying to wake him; he groaned and rolled over muttering about five more minutes.

  
"Damn it Carver get up!"

  
He woke with a start and rolled over to look at her. A small blush began to creep across his face as he realized they were naked.

  
"Oh Maker did we?"

  
"I'm pretty damn sure we did. I don't wake up naked with men I haven't slept with."

  
"Why don't I remember anything?"

  
"Corff and his damn 'special brew' that's why. Bloody bastard wasn't kidding when he said it causes bad decisions."

  
"Oh thanks for that."

  
"That's not what I meant. I'm friends with your sister."

  
"I didn't realize we needed her permission to have fun. You can't tell me you haven't thought about it. I know I have."

  
"There's thinking and then there’s acting."

  
"It's not like she needs to know. It was a one time thing right?"

  
"Probably be best I suppose."

  
"It's too bad we don't remember any of it. Would have been nice to know if it was any good."

  
"Are you questioning my abilities in bed? You do know I was in a three way with the Hero of Ferelden and an Antivan assassin. You don't get to fuck a legend without being good at what you do."

  
"Well no one else knows about this. So what's one more time just for the hell of it? Be nice to look back on it fondly.”

  
He gave her his best over grown puppy grin as he ran a hand up her arm. She sank down into the bed and pulled him on top of her and kissed him hard. 

  
"Don't you dare disappoint me."

  
"Aye aye captain."

  
***  
Anders was never alone anymore. Justice was always there. To say they had become one person was an over simplification. He had his own independent thoughts, his own wants and desires that were separate from the spirit in his head. Though as time went on he began to wonder how much of him was left. 

  
He would think of Hawke often, something Justice did not understand. Justice did not understand desire, he did not understand love.

  
*It is not love Anders. You do not love her as you believe. It is lust and childish desire, nothing more.*

  
"You don't get to tell me what I feel."

  
*I know emotions Anders; I am capable of knowing the difference. She is a free mage, an ideal you strive for. But she will not support us in the end. She will not agree to the lengths we must go. She has too soft a heart for the Templars. She does not believe in punishing them.*

  
"You're wrong. She only does what she has to stay free. She understands more than anyone the plight we face. She would stand with us, she will stand with us."

  
*You are blind to the truth in front of you. She doesn't desire you. She wishes to be with the mage hating elf.*

  
"What? No you're wrong. She would never demean herself like that. He hates everything that she is."

  
*Are you truly so blind Anders. Who is in the Deep Roads with her now? Who was with her when she came back from near death? Who does she always bring on every single job?*

  
"She knew I did not wish to return to the Deep Roads and she even said I do more good here. I healed her, I saved her life, and she knows it was me who saved her. The elf was simply there because he owed it to her for not being there. And she brings him along because she needs a swordsman."

  
*You truly are blind.*

  
"You're wrong. You'll see when she comes back. You'll see."

  
***  
Aveline looked about her new office. Captain of the Guard. What an amazing turn about. A year ago she lost her husband and had to leave her home. She worked as a smuggler, was recruited to the guard, and promoted in mere months and now at the top of the ladder. Not bad for a dog land refugee.

  
It would be another month or two before she was fully sworn in. But that didn't stop her from making the office feel a bit more of her own. She hoped to make her office a place her guards felt they could approach her in. One that spoke of a captain who was there for her men, and women.

  
"Aveline, or should I already be calling you Captain." Guardsman Donnic asked standing in the doorway.

  
"Guardsman Donnic. I'm not captain yet. Are you back with us?"

  
"I've finally been cleared to return to full work duty. I think the seneschal wanted to make sure I didn't file any complaints for what happened. It wasn't anyone's fault but the former captain. Thankfully you were watching out for the rest of us."

  
"I couldn't turn a blind eye to corruption. Nor would I stand by while good guards were sacrificed for their captain’s greed."

  
"You are a captain I will be happy to have over me. In rank I mean." He stammered out with a blush.

  
"Good day to you Captain."

  
"Good day to you as well guardsman."

  
A good man she thought to herself a very good man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to imagine how life was going for everyone else. It's not like they sat around waiting for Hawke to come back. Trying to write conversations between Anders and Justice is difficult at times. Trying to find the right balance. Anyways hope you're still reading. More is coming.


	13. Betrayal and Loss

It had taken them two weeks to reach the ancient thaig that Bartrand had been searching for. It only took two days for him to betray them. Shut into a chamber with only the supplies they carried on them and no idea where they were.

  
"Varric, remember all those things you said about your brother? I'm sorry I ever doubted them." 

  
"I'm sorry I got you into this Hawke. I had no idea he was even capable of this."

  
"Let's stop worrying about that and see if we can find a way out. There's a passage out of the back of this chamber. Maybe it connects to another pathway we can use."

  
Two weeks to get down there. Two days to be betrayed. Two more days before they faced down the hunger demon. It didn't even get a chance to make an offer before Hawke struck it down. Merrill was beside herself and saw to it to berate Hawke for her hasty decision. 

  
"You didn't even listen to it Hawke. It had no intention of hurting us; it simply wanted to continue existing. How can you punish a creature for existing?" Merrill was still under the impression that demons were just misunderstood spirits and weren't out to destroy everything. 

  
"Yes I'm sure it was planning to just forget all about us and let us pass right on through. Your naiveté would get us all killed." Fenris was getting tired of Merrill's prattling. The close quarters were beginning to rattle all four of them.

  
"Enough bickering both of you. Merrill I stand by my decision. If you dislike what I am doing by all means find your own way out of here."

  
"I..I suppose given the circumstances your decision was one that had to be made. We will just have to agree to disagree."

  
It was another two days before Hawke was nearly killed. They had been going down a corridor lined with what they believed were inactive golems. The large stone beings frozen in time. A pack of darkspawn had spotted them and attacked. That set off the golems. Hawke had kept to the back and was throwing everything she could when she felt a hard tug on the back of her head and was suddenly whipped backwards. She lost consciousness as she slammed into the wall. 

  
***  
Fenris had seen it all happen. He had seen the golem closing in on her. Had tried to shout a warning but she didn't hear. He felt his heart stop when she struck the wall and didn't get back up. A spirit bolt from Merrill took out the golem before it could strike at Hawke as she lay prone on the floor.

  
"Hawke!"

  
He felt his markings suddenly flare to life and then he was by her side. He didn't quite understand what he had done and at the moment he didn't care. All that mattered was getting to her. He lifted her gently and checked her for wounds. No blood but there was a noticeable lump on the back of her head. As he was checking her pulse she began to wake up. Her eyelids fluttered open and he felt himself finally breathe again, she placed a hand on his cheek and looked him deep in the eyes and said. 

  
"I hate the fucking Deep Roads."

  
Fenris found himself laughing despite his heart still racing. He hugged her tight and breathed a sigh of relief. 

  
"Do you need water, elfroot, something anything?" Merrill asked as she came stepping over to them.

  
"My pride just took a big hit but we don't have anything that can fix that, what grabbed me?"

  
"One of the golems. I think the darkspawn set it off, some sort of Dwarven defense system." Varric said as he examined the creature.

  
"I thought they were just statues."

  
"That's the idea."

  
Hawke sat up and felt the lump forming at the back of her head. Despite her reservations she knew what needed to happen now. Without a word she pulled out her dagger and reaching behind her head cut off her braid at the nape of her neck.

  
"Hawke, your hair why?" Merrill cried. 

  
Hawke held the braid in her hands. It was singed in places and matted with what appeared to be spider ichors and darkspawn blood. She had not cut her hair in nearly ten years. Her only feminine trait as her mother would say.  
It would grow back eventually. It was becoming cumbersome and was too much of a target in battle. Judging from the state of it she would have had to cut it off eventually. At least this was on her terms.

  
This and many more things is what she told herself to hold back the tears. The fact was that she had been caught unawares and her pride dictated that it not happen again.

  
"It's for the best." Was all she said as she walked away. She would not cry. She would not admit to anyone that despite her love for trousers, whiskey, and a good fight; her hair was what always made her feel like a woman.   
Her sadness was soon cut short however. An encounter with a rock wraith brought her back to the reality at hand. But it was the treasure room it had been guarding that finally brought a smile to her face. 

  
There was a feeling of hope when they found their original campsite upon reaching the thaig. Though there wad no sign of Bartrand or anyone else from the expedition, just knowing they were heading the right way was enough to ease tensions. They were finally on their way home.

  
It was another week before they came out of a cave on the wounded coast. Hawke had grabbed Merrill's hand as soon as she saw the first hints of light ahead of them. 

  
"Fresh air, sunlight, trees!" Hawke was ecstatic dancing about with Merrill. They went running down a hill towards the ocean. They didn't even bother to remove their clothes as they shrieked in delight at the water washing over them. 

  
"It's so beautiful!" Hawke cried out ducking under the water and bursting forth feeling all the dirt wash away.

  
"Seriously you guys get in, it’s amazing."

  
Fenris and Varric looked at one another and shrugged their shoulders. Varric stripped down to his trousers and slowly entered the water until Merrill came up pulled him into a wave.

  
"Daisy, I'm not exactly buoyant, don't sink the dwarf!" He said as the wave went crashing over him.

  
"Fenris don't be shy, get in the water."

  
He removed his gauntlets, breastplate, and pauldrons. Leaving the tunic and leggings on he approached the water and dipped in a toe.

  
"Fasta Vass woman it's cold!"

  
"Oh Maker Fenris, you're like a cat!"

  
"Fenhedis, how can you stand this?"

  
"Ferelden winters would destroy you. Now are you going to come in or am I going to have to tell everyone the mighty warrior is afraid to get wet."

  
He glared at her and decided he would not let her taunt stand. So he went charging headlong into the water towards her with a threatening gleam in his eyes.

  
"Fenris what are you doing? Fenris I was joking. Fenris!" Her words were cut off as he lifted her over his head and hurled her into deeper waters. She hit the water with a resounding splash and came up laughing.

  
"Oh me next!" Merrill came swimming over to him a look of pure excitement blooming across her tattooed face. Fenris rolled his eyes and knew if he denied her this, Hawke would chastise him for being gloomy. Merrill was a tiny thing so it was no effort to hoist her up and toss her into the waters. Fenris turned to Varric with a wicked grin on his face.

  
"Whoa Broody hold up. There will be no dwarf tossing!"

  
"Do you suppose he'd bounce like a rock across the surface?" Merrill wondered aloud.

  
"Only one way to find out." Hawke said as she closed in on Varric leaving him stuck between her and Fenris. 

  
"Well, shit." Was all he could say before he was grabbed by the elf. 

  
Varric was heavier than expected but Fenris got him up and airborne. Varric curled into a ball just before impact and made a spectacular splash. 

  
They played in the water for what felt like hours. A wonderful distraction from the horrors they had faced. They laid out on the sand and let the sun bake them dry. Hawke proved to be quite the capable trapper and by night fall they had a roaring fire and bellies full of rabbit.

  
Hawke and Fenris laid side by side as they had grown accustomed to, staring up the stars. She told him what the constellations were called in Ferelden and he gave the Tevinter counterpoints that he could remember. 

  
"Looks like we both have the dragon."

  
Hawke mused staring up at the serpent in the sky.

  
"They worship the dragon in Tevinter. It is said all the old gods were dragons. That is why the archdemon is a dragon; it is a tainted old god."  
"Have you ever seen a high dragon?"

  
"No, but I have heard many tales of them. Most did not think they would ever be seen again. Extinct for centuries only to rise up again before the dawning of a new age."

  
"I like to think they were just napping. Waiting for the right time to come back."

  
"A napping dragon is one I would much rather encounter."

  
"Agreed napping dragons are preferable to the ones who are awake and trying to cook you alive."

  
"Napping camp mates are preferable to one's who won't shut up and let a dwarf get some sleep."

  
Hawke giggled and rolled her eyes. Fenris sat up and shifted into position to take the watch for the night. It would not do for them to be robbed after finally escaping the deep roads. They continued to whisper quietly to one another through the night until Hawke finally fell asleep. He listened to the sounds of the night, to the waves of the ocean, the crickets in the trees and the gentle snores of his companions. 

  
Something between him and Hawke had changed down there. She had been his friend before they left. But somehow the nightmares, the betrayal, and everything else had only served to bring them closer. He felt a wistful sort of sadness at returning. Of having to share her with the rest of them again. She would be a rich woman when they got back. Would she still wish to associate with him, an escaped slave with no discernible future? His thoughts were interrupted when he heard Hawke stir.

  
"Fen?"

  
"Yes."

  
"You look sad. What's wrong?"

  
"I...I had a realization of how different your life will be once we get back. You will be quite rich from the profits from this expedition."

  
"You think I'm going to forget you?"

  
"I do not think you are that sort of person. But that does not stop me from fearing it."

  
"It must be troubling you greatly if you're even willing to speak about it."

  
"You are my first and only friend Hawke. Of course I am troubled at the thought of losing you."

  
"Oh Fenris." She sat up and without thinking threw her arms around him. His markings flared to life at the sudden contact and she went to pull away. Fearing she had hurt him. He pulled her back to him and let her hold him. Sighing at the relief that for once it did not hurt to be held. 

  
"You are my best friend Fenris, don't ever forget that."

  
She volunteered to take watch after that and he settled himself down with his head near her lap. Her fingers running through his hair lulling him to sleep. He was roused by the sound of Hawke sniffling. Opening his eyes he saw that she was crying.

  
"Hawke?"

  
She looked ashamed of herself and put her head in her hands and softly cried.

  
"I miss my hair."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay everyone. Hope you had a lovely 4th of July. I had to work and missed all the fireworks. Hoping to start getting some headway into writing act 2. Have about 4 written but they need chapters before and in between to flow through. Have a great week.


	14. Carvers Choice

"It's an unforgiving line of work my boy. People don't look at us the way they used to. Are to sure this is what you want?" 

  
"Absolutely sir. I'm looking for purpose in my life. A sense of direction. I haven't felt like I had purpose since I left Ferelden."

  
"I'm from there as well. Where abouts do you hail from?"

  
"My family traveled a lot but we eventually settled in Lothering shortly before my father passed."

  
"Then I'm sorry for your loss. I understand it will be years before it will ever be hospitable again."

  
"Yes sir. Will I be accepted into your ranks then sir?"

  
"Very well, report back here in three days time. Say your goodbyes. You won't have time to visit for quite awhile."

  
"Thank you sir. It is an honor to be accepted into the Templar order."

  
**  
He said nothing to his mother. She would not understand. She would look on it as going against the family. But there was nothing else for him in Kirkwall. No place he belonged. His dalliance with Isabela had ended as soon as it began. She had no interest in settling. Aveline had made it clear that there was no place for him in the Kirkwall guard. She told him he was incapable of putting others before himself, which made him unsuitable for her precious guard. 

  
There was no other place for him. Maybe perhaps overseeing mages and protecting them might help him understand his family more. His father had been a good man, but had always been busy teaching Marian and Bethany. Perhaps he could be a better brother to his sister if he was away. 

  
**  
His new armor was delivered by a courier the day before he was due to return to the Gallows to begin training. He took his mother out for dinner at a place in Hightown she was always talking about. She smiled for the first time in weeks since Marian had left. As much as he loved to see her smile he knew it was time to tell her.

  
"Mother, I've done something that you might not be happy about?"

  
Leandra put her glass of wine down without drinking. 

  
"I've decided to join the Templar order. I've spoken with the knight captain and my training as a soldier means I can be promoted in less time than a raw recruit. I need to do something with my life. I can't keep waiting for Marian to come home and I don't want to follow in her shadow anymore."

  
"What about Marian though? Will you hand her over?"

  
"No, I would never think of turning on her like that. I did not even mention her to them. They think I'm just another Ferelden refugee. They don't even know that you are an Amell."

  
"Is there any way I can convince you not to do this?"

  
"My new armor came today mother. I'm supposed to show up tomorrow to be enlisted. There's no turning back."

  
They ate their dinner in silence. When they returned home Leandra went off to her bedroom without another word to him.

  
**  
The next morning as he was setting out to leave he heard a familiar voice in the front room.

  
"Honey, I'm home!"

  
It would have been too much to hope that he could have been gone before she returned. To avoid yet another awkward conversation with his family. Maybe he could explain in a way that didn't leave her hating him.

  
"Marian dear, please talk some sense into your brother. He's making such a terrible mistake."

  
"Oh dear is he trying to send money to Peaches to get her to come here?"  
The smile left Hawke’s face as her brother came out of their bedroom in the unmistakable armor of a Templar. She shook her head and waited to hear what he had to say.

  
"This isn't what you think."

  
"Isn't it? I leave you behind and you go and join up with the very people who we ran away from for years? Is this revenge?"

  
"You know not everything I do involves you Marian. I can make my own decisions and not have you be a part of it."

  
"What happened to working with the Red Iron? At least they won't come kicking open the door to haul me off!"

  
"They were taking contracts to kill off any noble who supported relief efforts to be sent to Ferelden. I couldn't be a part of that."

  
"But you can be a mage hunter? You won't betray your country but your sister is no issue. Thank the Maker Bethany isn't alive to see you do this, or father."

  
Leandra let out a choked sob. Carver stood stoic. He would not falter. He had made his choice and there was no turning back.

  
"I won't turn you in. I promise you that. Good bye Marian, good bye mother."

  
Hawke held onto her mother as she cried over the loss of another one of her children. The pain was greater somehow because he had chosen to leave, and there was nothing that could be done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a short chapter. Once it was all written I though it best to end there. I like to think that Carver wanted to say more but his resentment always gets in the way.


	15. Lonely Nights

She lay in bed alone; the sounds of Lowtown did nothing to lull her to sleep. She had grown accustomed to the sounds of running lava, Merrill murmuring in her sleep, Varric snoring, and the gentle warmth that had been Fenris close by.

  
She had held her mother until her tears had dried. The warm welcome she had hoped to receive was tarnished with tears and her uncle badgering her about what sort of treasures she found. When she was finally able to get away an empty bedroom was all she faced. Carvers bunk lay empty and all his possessions were gone. Hawke laid her head on his pillow and inhaled deeply. She cried a single tear before wiping it away and hurled the pillow across the room.

  
Damn him, damn that miserable ass. Sleep did not come, no matter how many times she shut her eyes and willed herself to the Fade. It did not answer her, nor would it enfold her in its embrace.

  
She missed the comfort of someone next to her. Fenris had become her security in the night and now she found she could not sleep without him. She imagined him in his mansion. The fire burning as he was no doubt nursing a bottle of wine from the cellar. His skin glowing in the firelight. His soft hair falling over his eyes. His lips glistening from the wine, if she kissed him she would taste it.

  
She would never admit to anyone else her deep attraction for him. She had been drawn to him from the moment she laid eyes on him. The white hair, those green eyes, his wonderfully bronze skin with the white of his markings contrasting beautifully. She admired his muscles, the way he could swing a great sword with one arm.

  
But it was a secret attraction she would keep to herself always. His hatred of anything magical had been a hindrance to their friendship from the start. They had built a tenuous relationship that over time blossomed into what they shared now. She would not risk ruining that by complicating matters further.

  
It was simply mind over matter. She knew nothing of physical pleasures save what she had learned to do to herself. There hadn't been much opportunity for an apostate on the run to form romantic attachments. It was too risky and she did not wish to endanger herself or her family. Perhaps someday there would be someone. Until then she had herself and her daydreams of a tattooed elf with brooding eyes. As she touched herself she made believe it was his hands on her body, his fingers bringing her to climax. As she crested over her peak she finally fell into sleep his name whispering on her lips.

  
***  
Varric had entered the Hanged Man and was immediately greeted by a very happy Isabela. So happy in fact she buried his face into her chest as she hugged him.

  
"Rivaini you could suffocate a man with those things!"

  
"Mmmm what makes you think I haven't already?"

  
She bought him a pint and they toasted his return home before he decided that sleep was the only thing he wanted. He bid the pirate a good night and settled himself into his suite.

  
He carefully cleaned and polished Bianca while humming his song for her. His secret love, the only story that would never be told. Whenever he had his hands on his beloved crossbow he remembered the real Bianca. He would wonder sometimes where she was, if she was happy with the way things had gone. Varric made sure to not dwell on these thoughts for long, it did not do well to think of what might have been.

  
He drifted easily into sleep and thought nothing more of his one and only love.

  
***  
Fenris had not bothered to examine the bottle he had grabbed from the cellar. He simply pulled out the cork and drank deeply. The wine was red, tangy and sweet all at once. It warmed him down to his toes and after building a large fire he settled himself into a chair and stared deeply into the flames.

  
He had never dreamt that he could feel at home anywhere. The mansion itself did not feel like home to him. No it was Kirkwall itself that felt like home. It was Hawke and Varric, even the rest of the bunch, except perhaps the abomination. He felt a sense of peace now that he had finally returned.  
When the wine was gone he decided that just this once he would skip cleaning his armor and instead go to bed. The mattress while old was still much more comfortable than the bedroll he had been sleeping on for over a month. He laid face down on the bed and let his mind wander.

  
Something was wrong. He felt uneasy, like something was missing and he needed to find it. Only when he rolled to his back did he realize it was her that he missed. Her warmth next to him, her fingers running through his hair. Her smile when she woke up, her eyes inviting him to kiss those soft beautiful lips.

  
He groaned as he felt his body respond to his thoughts, his groin betraying him. He had been fighting a losing battle for days, denying over and over again his feelings. She was a mage, she was his best friend, and she was going to become nobility in the city soon. She was beyond his grasp now.

  
He did not even know what he desired from all this. He had no memories of love or physical acts, only what he had been forced to witness when Denarius felt like being pleasured. He did not know what a kiss even felt like; he only knew he wanted his first to be with her.

  
Reaching down he took himself in hand and brought about his release, trying not to think of her and failing. Her eyes were that last thing he thought of as he drifted into a restless sleep.

  
***  


Merrill slept through the night. She did not have worries, she did not have unfulfilled desires, and she did not reminisce about lost loves. She simply laid down and went to sleep, having decided she'd had enough adventure to last her for quite some time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. I was suffering from major writers block. So many ideas yet no way to get them written down. This is officially the end of Act 1. Hope you have enjoyed it.
> 
> *note on an edit*  
> So I'm smacking myself. I realized that I had committed an error after reading over this chapter. I said that Fenris had not bothered to read the label on the wine remembering afterwards he has not learned to read at this point. Edit has been made. Sorry for that *


	16. Open Mouth, Insert Foot

"Six months!"

  
"Marian, there's no need to shout."

  
"I'm sorry mother, but I've lost control over the volume of my voice. It might be because this man just told me that we have to wait six months before we can legally own the estate."

  
"Its procedure serah, the transferring of property has a waiting period of six months."

  
"You can take your procedure and shove it up your....."

  
****

  
"So that's why you can't go home tonight?" Varric was trying his best to be sympathetic to his friend but between Hawke’s story of her outburst with the Seneschal, and Isabela sniggering throughout he was having a hard time keeping composure. 

  
"Mother says if I want to talk like a Lowtowner I can spend my night with them."

  
"What's so bad about Lowtown? It has character and best of all it has me." Isabela leaned over to refill Hawke’s cup. 

  
Hawke sat straight up in her chair pulled her shoulders back and with an air of feigned elegance said.

  
"You may be a Hawke but you are descended from the Amells of Kirkwall. You are nobility now and you will learn to behave as one. No more gallivanting about like a common thug."

  
Isabela snorted and started choking on her ale. Varric chuckled and patted her on the back.

  
"You've been back a month Hawke and survived. What's six more?"

  
"You don't understand it's been an endless tirade from Gamlen. He and mother fight every other day about money, the estate, even about Carver. The estate is all that keeps mother from completely coming apart. Having the estate again will somehow make all of this worth it. Losing the twins, living in poverty, having an apostate for an heir."

  
"But the estate will be yours Hawke. In six months it will belong to you. Then you can get your mother out of that hole in the wall and move her on up to Hightown."

  
"You saw how bad the lower levels looked when we broke in for the will. Imagine what the rest looks like. Slavers were using my mother's home as a holding; I can't even imagine what’s been done to the place. They won't even let me inspect the property to assess the damage."

  
"When has that stopped any of us? I say we go up there and let ourselves in. We can even use the cellar entrance like you did the last time."

  
"I'm all for an impromptu break in but it's Wicked Grace night. We can't turn our back on tradition."

  
"Fine then, let's drink tonight play some cards and then tomorrow we'll break into Hawke’s house."

  
"Oh wonderful, must you always be discussing these things when I walk into the room?" Aveline stood in the doorway hands on her hips with a glare in her eyes. 

  
"Ignorance is bliss Aveline. Just pretend you came in five minutes later."  
"Oh yes that way I can walk in while you discuss how you're going to commit the crime not just announcing it."

  
"Who’s committing a crime? Is it Isabela? Are you going to lock her up again?" Merrill stepped into the room with what appeared to be a ball of twine in her hands.

  
"First off, you were locked up Isabela? When did that happen? Second, Merrill sweetheart why do you have a ball of twine and why is it trailing down the stairs?"

  
"I caught the whore dueling in the chantry, it was not something I could overlook or let her get away with."

  
"What is the point of being friends with the captain of the guard if I can't get away with a little night dueling."

  
"I would hardly call us friends."

  
"That's because you're a great big hulking."

  
"Enough!" Hawke smacked a hand down on the table. 

  
"Isabela honestly, dueling in the chantry? You don't get to use your perk card for that one."

  
"I suppose."

  
"Now again, seriously Merrill why the twine because Norah just tripped over it and she's giving me the stink eye. I need to have a good explanation for her."

  
"I gave Daisy the twine so she wouldn't lose her way. She ties it to her doorknob when she goes out and then follows it back. She kept wandering into Darktown and several other unsavory places and it was getting expensive to keep her from being mugged." Varric answered for her.

  
"It drives the shopkeepers batty but I haven't wandered into the viscount's gardens in quite some time." Merrill said with a smile.

  
"Oh good, well since Norah just dropped an entire tray tripping over it you get to explain why. I'm going to buy myself another drink."

  
Hawke went past Norah as she charged up the stairs yelling for Varric to fix his elf.

  
Hawke was standing at the bar when she felt someone behind her. She turned to find Anders there and he grabbed her into a huge hug.

  
"Hawke it's so good to see you again!"

  
"Anders, I saw you two days ago. You're acting like I was gone for months."

  
"You were gone for months though. I'm enjoying seeing you more often again."

  
Hawke gave him a puzzled look but decided not to press the matter further. Ever since they had returned Anders had been extremely chummy with her. Awkward flirting, making excuses to touch her. He even started showing up early for Wicked Grace to claim the seat next to her. 

  
She found it oddly charming but despite all his efforts she was not attracted to him. 

  
She knew it would be better for her in the long run to forget Fenris in that way. Anders was more suited to her; it would be all too easy to be with him.

 

But she was a Hawke, and Hawke’s were stubborn to a fault.

  
***  


Fenris had seen the embrace as soon as he entered the tavern. He knew the abomination had most likely planned it that way. Anders liked to find every opportunity to make it clear his intentions for Hawke. Fenris did not let it bother him. Anders was an appropriate match, he was also a mage, and he understood her. Despite knowing all of this he still felt a twinge whenever Anders brushed her hand with his. Or whispered something to her. Especially since he most often did it in front of him. Perhaps a bit of payback was in order. 

  
He nodded to Varric as he entered the suite. Side stepped to avoid Isabela and let her crash into Aveline. 

  
"Broody you're just in time. Looks like Anders is last again. He'll be buying the first round."

  
Fenris realized that no one else knew that Anders had arrived before him; he glanced over to the empty seat next to Hawke’s. 

  
There were very few rules for Wicked Grace night. But the three that always held true were that Varric sat at the head of the table. Hawke sat to his left and Isabela sat to his right. All other seats were free to grab and the last to arrive bought the first round. Aveline had tried to argue that Varric and Isabela living at the bar gave them an advantage. Varric pointed out that more often than not most of the drinks went on his tab. 

  
Fenris decided to use this opportunity to take the abomination down a peg and sat himself in the seat next to Hawke’s. Varric gave him a knowing smile but said nothing. Aveline shoved Isabela back into her chair and sat down next to Fenris. 

  
"Fenris when did you get in? I didn't see you arrive." Hawke came back upstairs with Anders behind her. She sat down in her seat and gave him a small nudge. Anders stayed standing and did all he could to not lunge across the table at the elf. 

  
"Anders you're last, better get back down there and buy a round."

  
"Make mine wine and tell Corff I know he has it." Fenris said as Anders stormed out. 

  
Damn that elf. Anders had seen him coming down the alley when he entered the tavern, so he knew he arrived before him. That was why he had made his embrace of Hawke last just long enough to ensure that Fenris saw it when he walked in. Now the bastard was going to sit next to her all night while he'd be stuck next to Isabela or worse Merrill.

  
*Your actions have led to these consequences. I told you that your feelings for her will only drive you away from our cause. Think on this as proof.*

  
Anders did not bother to respond to the voice in his head. He was angry simply because now he had the proof of what he had been suspecting. Fenris had feelings for Hawke. Maybe not strong ones but he had them all the same. Anders ordered the table a round and decided he would call it an early night after one or two hands. The clinic was the perfect excuse to get away. He would leave and do what he could to salvage his pride.

  
When he came back upstairs he saw to his horror that the only available seat was between Isabela and Merrill, and judging by the giggles it was planned.

  
"If either of you touches me I will burn you."

  
"Hey now Blondie, no need for threats. Besides what's a little bit of groping amongst friends." Varric shuffled the cards and puffed out his chest; Isabela laughed and gave the dwarf a kiss on the cheek.

  
Anders looked across the table and forlornly watched Hawke and Fenris deep in conversation. She was gesturing madly with her hands as she always did when something was bothering her. Fenris merely nodded and seemed content to just listen. 

  
Anders nearly spit out his drink when Fenris finally spoke. 

  
"You could stay at the mansion for a bit while the work is being done. It's not the best option I know but I would be glad to help."

  
"Wait what? You're going to stay in that dilapidated heap? With him!" Anders exclaimed none too quietly.

  
The entire table went silent and Hawke gave Anders a look that turned his blood to ice. She calmly took a deep breath and a sip of her ale.

  
"I was going over my options Anders. As you well know my uncle is an incorrigible ass and as it is the estate will not legally be mine for another six months. Once it is mine repairs will need to be made. Being able to stay up in Hightown while that's being done is preferable to living with my uncle and making the trek up here every single morning."

  
Fenris fixed Anders with the smallest of smirks. He had managed to not only put his foot in his mouth but he was kicking himself in the ass with the other one.

  
"So now that you all know exactly everything that is going on in my life let's play some cards."

  
***  
Hawke decided to not dwell on Anders outburst. He had his feelings and didn't always express them in the best way. She would eventually have to talk with him and let him down gently. But that was a concern for another time.

  
Anders excused himself after three hands, the clinic as always his only explanation. Aveline and Merrill departed a few hands after that. Isabela eventually decided she needed some physical distractions declared she was going down to the bar to get laid.

  
"Shall I walk you home?" Fenris asked.

  
"I'm actually not allowed to go home tonight. I let my mouth get the better of me today and mother is none too pleased. I had planned to crash with Isabela but she seems to have forgotten that in her quest for fun times."

  
"Hawke you can stay here for the night. It's not the first time you've used my bed."

  
"That bed is not big enough for two. I can't put you out again."

  
"If you'd like you can come back with me. You can inspect the rooms in the mansion and see if there's one you can use during the repairs."

  
"You know that's actually a very good idea. Varric I bid you a fond farewell."

  
"Good night kids. Safe travels."

  
Varric had been watching them for quite some time. He noticed their relationship changing as it happened. He saw them sleep side by side in the deep roads. Watched Fenris comfort her when she was lamenting the loss of her hair. He knew neither of them would admit it to the other. They were both stubborn and didn't seem to realize the other felt the same. In time he hoped they would. He had written enough to know a real romance when it played out in front of him. They just needed to realize how perfect they were together. 

  
***  
While Hawke built up a fire Fenris found two bottles of wine for them. They drank and talked as the flames died. When it came time to sleep they both looked at the bed uncertainly. 

  
"I mean it's not very different from when we were in the deep roads. A bit more comfortable at least."

  
"If you are unsure I can sleep in my chair."

  
"Fenris no, that's the very reason I didn't stay with Varric tonight. Don't mind me I'm just worn out from today."

  
Fenris brought his hand to his chin and gave her a thoughtful smile. He went over to the bed and gestured for her to join him. As she laid down he pulled the covers over them and pulled her close. Before she could say another word he gently ran his fingers through her hair. 

  
"Thank you Fenris."

  
"You're welcome Hawke."

  
"Good night."

  
"Sleep well."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So so so very sorry for the delay. I realized that most of my writers block stemmed from a lack of any back story that occurs in the three years between acts. I didn't want to just flash forward three years without a little bit of story to carry through. Will try to get two more chapters in soon. I am leaving next week for a camping trip and wont be able to post for a week. Again sorry for the delay. Please enjoy.


	17. Wait for it.....

Waking up next to Fenris again felt both wonderful and sad. The security she felt with him was liberating. Hawke was never one to shy from a fight and she knew she could stand on her own against almost any foe. It wasn't that she needed his protection; it was simply that he was there to give it. Yet it still left a heavy weight on her heart. Because she knew that soon this would have to end. She couldn't keep sleeping in his bed knowing how she felt. It wouldn't be good for either of them if she were to suddenly give into the feelings she had.

  
She resolved to suggest that perhaps if she was to stay it would be in a separate bed, maybe even a separate room. Maybe she was better off just staying in Lowtown. Yes she would have to make the trek back up every day while the work was being done. Perhaps the fresh air would give her perspective and possibly stop her from throwing herself at her best friend.  
Her thoughts were interrupted by Fenris squeezing her tighter as he woke up. She rolled onto her back and turned to face him.

  
"Eventually we are going to have to learn to sleep separately again. You know that right?"

  
Fenris frowned and sat up.

  
"Does this upset you? Sleeping next to me?"

  
"No, oh not at all. It's just that well I got used to it and the first few nights back were strange for me being alone again. And now to be doing it again it's almost like I'm back tracking."

  
"I enjoy you next to me. It is calming in a way I did not expect. But I will accept if it is not something you wish to continue." He went to get up when Hawke reached a hand out and took his.

  
"Fenris wait no. I'm not going about this in the right way. Please can we start over?"

  
He nodded and did not take his hand from hers. She sat up and they faced each other, eyes locked.

  
"I spent years sleeping next to my little sister Bethany. When we came to Kirkwall I had to share a bunk bed with Carver. For the first time in my life I was sleeping alone. I got used to it. But it was so hard at first. I'm afraid of going through that again is all."

  
"Do you miss her greatly?"

  
"Every single day. She was so kind and so gentle. Just a beautiful person."

  
"So sleeping next to me brings back painful feelings for you."

  
"Oh far from that Fenris. Sleeping next to Bethany was me protecting her from the world. When I'm next to you I feel like it's you protecting me."

  
"I've seen you fight woman. You do not need my protection nearly as much as you used to."

  
"True, but I won't deny it feels nice."

  
"But you still wish to change our sleeping arrangements?"

  
Hawke laughed and sighed. It was a losing battle. He could not possibly understand why this was so hard for her, and to tell him would be mortifying. So instead she would continue to torture herself and hope that she could maintain her sanity.

  
"I guess as long as I'm staying here there's no point in changing what already works. As long as you're ok with it."

  
"I am calmed by your presence. You bring me a sense of peace in the night. I do not understand it. But I will not deny the happiness it gives me."

  
"What happens when I move into the estate? Will we have slumber parties?"

  
"Yes and we'll braid each others hair and gossip about cute boys."

  
"Holy Maker you just told a joke. Varric owes me a sovereign."

  
"You had a bet with the dwarf on whether or not I would tell a joke?"

  
"No I had a bet with him about whether or not you knew how to tell one."

  
He smiled at her and shook his head. He had hoped to distract her with humor as she was want to do when pressed. He needed time to understand the feelings he had. A slave was never supposed to desire anything or anyone. To have feelings or attachments would often end badly. He had seen what was done to slaves who engaged with one another without permission. Perhaps he was finally grasping onto the freedom he was so desperately seeking.

  
All he knew is that when she was next to him he felt whole. What else that meant was a mystery.

  
"Have you always slept alone Fenris?"

  
"As Denarius's bodyguard I was required to sleep in his bed chamber so to guard him. But not with him in his bed."

  
"So this is a completely new experience for you."

  
"It is."

  
They didn't speak of it again. He walked her back down to Lowtown so she could make amends with her mother. He had intended to part ways when they reached her house but she insisted he come in with her.

  
"Please I need a buffer and an escape just in case."

  
"You want me to help you escape your mother?"

  
"Just she tends to lecture me about the family legacy if I'm around her for more than a minute. So we're going in and as soon as possible I'm going to mention we have errands to run and you're going to nod and agree. That's all."

  
"I'm finding it very entertaining to see the mighty Hawke cowering in fear of her own mother."

  
"It's not fear. I just can't stand to hear another lecture about my place in society."

  
It turns out she needn't had worried at all. Leandra was simply happy that her daughter had come home.

  
"Marian dear you're back. You had me worried."

  
"You told me I wasn't allowed to come home until morning. That I needed to learn some manners."

  
"I didn't think you'd actually listen."

  
The conversation took a pause when Leandra noticed that her daughter had not come alone.

  
"Fenris dear how good to see you. My goodness have you been eating? I swear I've never seen someone so skinny, you and Merrill both!"

  
Hawke groaned her mother never quite grasped the concept that elves were built just a bit differently than they were. She didn't see that they had a slender frame; she only saw a belly needing more food.

  
"Have you had breakfast yet? Of course you haven't its still early. Come both of you sit. I have to make up for all the meals you must have missed down in the deep roads."

  
"Actually mother Fenris and I have some errands that need taking care of, isn't that right?"

  
"We have time for breakfast. Our errands can wait Marian."

  
The look she gave him was priceless. He knew she'd get back at him for this. But for now just seeing her shocked speechless was worth whatever she planned to dish out on him.

  
"It's good to hear someone call you by your proper name Marian. I don't know why you insist on being referred to as Hawke all the time."

  
Hawke sat down at the little table next to Fenris and leaned over to whisper in his ear.

  
"You will pay for this elf mark my words."

  
"I've had your mother's cooking before. Trust me it's worth it."

  
A small smile hit the corner of her mouth. She forgot sometimes that it was the little things that made him happy. A good wine, a well played hand, or a nice meal. Just this once then she might let him get away with it.

  
Leandra did not disappoint. She remembered that Fenris had adored her Orlesian style toast the first time he had breakfast with them. He had been so shy when she first met him. Marian had warned her ahead of time that he was an escaped slave and was still not used to kindness or generosity. He had said hardly a word but when he took his first bite of food a sudden change happened. He had smiled at her and told her it was one of the best things he had ever tasted.

  
They ate and talked about plans for the estate. Leandra had already put out an advertisement for a man servant. Though her daughter did not understand why.

  
"It's a matter of propriety. Someone to answer the door. Receive your letters and maintain upkeep. I know that the life of a noble is strange and foreign to you. I grew up as one and I will teach you. The Amell name will have weight in Kirkwall again, because it will be held by you."

  
"I'm still a Hawke mother and so are you."

  
"I know that dear. I hope you don't think I'm forgetting your father in all this. I plan to have his name put into the family book. Your future children will see the name Malcolm Hawke and they will know he was their grandfather."

  
Hawke nearly choked at the mention of children. Maker where did that come from? Was her mother already plotting to marry her off? It was time to make a break for it.

  
"Well mother I hate to be off but I need to have a chat with Varric about my accounts and I'm going to make inquiries for carpenters and stoneworkers."  
"Promise to send me a note if you won't be coming home again dear."

  
"I promise, bye mother."

  
When they were far enough away from the house Hawke shoved Fenris into a wall.

  
"You ass! You sold me out for toast?"

  
"No I sold you out for Orlesian toast, with butter and honey."

  
"I will never understand how someone who can eat hot peppers and drinks dry red wine has a weakness for honey on toast!"

  
He chuckled and hip checked her into the wall she had thrown him at. She went to swing at him but he dodged and grabbed her arm and held it behind her back pulling her against his chest. She struggled wildly against him even as he pulled her tighter.

  
"Hawke."

  
She didn't respond except to continue trying to wiggle out of his grasp. Her movements causing her body to rub up against his in a manner that was becoming arousing.

  
"Marian." He choked out trying to still her.

  
She stopped and looked up at him. His eyes were intense and he looked as if he was having a battle with his own mind. She nearly asked what was wrong when he suddenly kissed her.

  
It was clumsy, awkward, unexpected and so incredibly perfect. His grip on her loosened and she kissed him back as his arms encircled her.

  
"I have been wondering what that would feel like." He rested his forehead against hers.

  
"And?"

  
"It was wonderful."

  
She laughed and laid her head against his chest listening to his heart beat. She had no idea what any of this meant, but for once she didn't care.

  
"Was that your first kiss Fenris?"

  
"Yes." He whispered.

  
"Then I'm glad it was with me."

  
"As am I."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't wait for it anymore. This will be one of the last chapters before Act 2 finally starts. I'm hoping to get a few more in before I go on vacation. Thanks for all the kudos and to the people who've bookmarked this. I hope youre still enjoying this.


	18. Movin on up

Six months turned into just six days. Apparently the viscount intervened and waived the waiting period. Hawke received a letter thanking her for her services with the deed enclosed.

  
"It's ours mother. It's really ours."

  
"No my darling it's yours. You did all the work."

  
"I did it for you mother. It was always for you."

  
***  
It took convincing but Hawke was able to talk her mother out of inspecting the estate immediately. She didn't know what the slavers had done to the place and did not want her mother to have to see it.

  
Upon opening the front door she knew she had made the right choice. The inner courtyard was still intact with little damage but there was an obvious blood stain on the floor. The main hall had been stripped clean. Only the chandelier was left. Of the three bedrooms only one still had a bed. The kitchen was dusty but no food had been left to rot. 

  
What she found in the cellar made her want to burn the place to the ground. Cages and chains in every room. Who knows how many poor souls had been dragged through there. She wanted nothing more than to kill them all over again. To wring her uncles neck for giving it over to them. 

  
"Hawke you down there?" Varric's voice echoed down the stairs.

  
"Yes Varric. Hold on I'm coming up."

  
She found him in the main hall examining the stair case.

  
"I'm guessing my mother told you I was here."

  
"Yes, congratulations are in order. Seems you have friends in high and low places."

  
"Rescuing the viscount's son certainly helped."

  
"Well I'm here to help as well. I've already made some inquiries and I can get men in here to fix up the place. From the looks of it though you'll only be needing some cleaning and fresh paint."

  
"Furniture would be great too."

  
"Trust me I've got a guy for that as well"

  
***

  
It took less than a month to bring the estate back to its former glory. Everyone helped, even Isabela. They scrubbed and polished every inch of the house. 

  
Painting took a few extra days when Merrill managed to drop an entire bucket from the top of the stairs. Hawke and Anders spent days cleaning red paint off themselves. Isabela nearly keeled over from laughing at the sight of them. 

  
Hawke saved the last task for her and Fenris alone. She watched with a smile on her face as he destroyed every cage in the cellar. A look of triumph on his face when it was done. 

  
They hadn't spoken of their kiss since the day it happened. There just wasn't any time. She had stayed with him as planned, but each day of work left them too tired to do anything but collapse into bed.

  
Two days before they finished a surprise visitor showed up on the front step, Bodahn Feddic. 

  
"Greetings Messere, I don't know if you remember me. I've come to repay my debt to you."

  
Hawke had almost forgotten about the dwarf from the expedition. His son had gone missing during the trip and Hawke took on the task to rescue him. Though he didn't need much rescuing. She had found the boy alone surrounded by dead darkspawn and an ogre frozen in time. Sandal seemed touched in the head, yet his rune crafting abilities were beyond matching. When asked how the ogre came to be frozen all he said was, "boom."

  
Bodahn insisted that he owed Hawke a debt for finding Sandal that day. After some discussion Leandra pointed out that they still didn't have a manservant. Bodahn immediately jumped at the chance to fill the position. It took convincing for him to accept wages and even then it was half of what Hawke felt he should have. 

  
"My boy’s life is priceless Messere. Plus I think it will be good for us to settle in somewhere for a little bit. We spent so much time traveling with the Hero of Ferelden, then the expedition, I think a change of pace will benefit my boy."

  
Sandal was simply happy to play with Tiny. He spent hours chasing the dog and barking at him.

  
***  
"Maker it's over. It's finally over."

  
Hawke collapsed onto her brand new bed. It had cost more than she intended to spend but once she laid down on it she knew the price was worth it. 

  
"Marian, I thought as a thank you to your friends we would host a little dinner party. Nothing too fancy. Just a nice dinner for everyone."

  
"That sounds perfect mother."

  
Leandra continued on but Hawke barely heard any of it. She was far too tired to pay attention. It wasn't until the next day she regretted it.

  
"A dress? You want me to wear a dress?"

  
"Yes. We're hosting a party Marian. I'd like you to look somewhat like a lady. Goodness knows you're not looking the part the way you keep wearing your hair."

  
Hawke had grown quite fond of the short style she adopted after the deep roads. She never let it grow past her ears anymore, which displeased her mother to no end.

  
"You said nothing fancy. Do you know how much grief I'm going to get from my friends if they see me in a dress?"

  
"It's just a dress Marian. In fact I'm going to have a few delivered for you to wear to any formal events you may be invited to."

  
"What formal events? What is happening, who are you and what have you done to my mother?"

  
"Marian, you didn't just move into a Hightown estate because you had the money to buy it. You are the heir to the Amells of Kirkwall. You will be receiving invitations to formal dinners by other nobles in town. Not to mention there will be suitors in time. You'll be twenty four soon. Well past the age for a coming out."

  
"Please tell me I'm still dreaming. Mother you are not allowed to find me a husband. I repeat do not start looking for a husband for me."

  
"Do you intend to spend the rest of your life alone?"

  
"I'm not alone mother, I have friends and that's more than enough. I've always known that my being a mage would hinder the chances for a romantic attachment."

  
"You don't have to stop yourself from loving someone just because there is magic in your blood. That didn't stop your father and it shouldn't stop you."  
Hawke sighed and gave her mother a pleading look.

  
"A compromise then?" Leandra asked hoping to diffuse the tension.

  
"What sort of compromise?"

  
"You will allow me to have some dresses made for you. A few formal and some simple. In exchange I will not ask you to wear one for the party. But you will not be wearing your usual get up. I still expect you to dress in a more formal manner"

  
"Deal."

  
"Do you still like purple? You loved purple when you were younger."

  
Hawke smiled and nodded. She loved that her mother still asked even when she already knew the answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised another chapter. I'm going to do my best to have one more up tomorrow. Thank you all for reading and enjoy.


	19. First steps

Fenris sat in front of the fire tending to his blade. He took great pride in his weapons and armor and enjoyed the labor that went into maintaining them. He also needed a distraction. 

  
He had grown accustomed to having her next to him at night. Even if he wasn't holding her or she him. Just having her there had been enough. He had the benefit of exhaustion the previous night, too tired from all the work to care. But when he woke up alone his bed suddenly felt so cold and empty to him. 

  
He was about to go down to the cellar and find a bottle to drown in when he heard the familiar tinkling of bells. She still insisted on wearing them when she came to see him unannounced. 

  
"Hello." 

  
"Hawke, I did not expect to see you tonight."

  
"There's something wrong with my bed."

  
"What? It's brand new, what happened?"

  
"It's empty." She said with a sad smile as she sat down in the chair next to his. He reached out a hand to her and she took it gladly. Tracing the markings along his fingers.

  
"So are we ever going to talk about well you know?"

  
"I'm not sure what to say."

  
"Shall I start then?"

  
"It would probably be best. I am not very good with words."

  
"I like you Fenris. I like you a lot. I have been holding back from telling you all of this because I didn't want to scare you away. You're my best friend and I know that you have some very strong feelings about mages. Maybe not against me personally. But they are there always. That kiss was something I have been imagining in my head for quite a long time." She took a deep breath and decided then and there to just get it all out. 

  
"If you don't feel the same way I understand. I just can't keep going on without telling you how I feel. It's been so very hard to keep it bottled up, and now that I've said it I want to run screaming away because I can't believe I told you all this."

  
She had let go of his hand and was staring down at her lap. He reached out and lifted her by the chin to look into his eyes.

  
"Hawke, I have wanted to kiss you since the day you healed me on the coast. Your magic touched every inch of me and never once did it hurt. I too have held back. I do not see myself as a man worthy of your affections. I am an escaped slave living in a borrowed mansion."

  
"I'm an apostate refugee remember."

  
"Still the home you live in is your own. The life you live is yours to do with as you please."

  
"I do not think you unworthy. In fact I find you to be the only one worthy."  
She leaned forward and went to kiss him on the cheek. He turned his head and their lips met. She smiled and broke away.

  
"I would like to continue seeing this through with you. If you wish to do the same." Fenris stroked a finger down her cheek.

  
"I would like to see where we go from here yes. But that is something to be addressed in the morning."

  
"Will you be returning home then?"

  
"Don't you remember? My bed is broken."

  
Fenris smiled and followed her to bed. She curled up in his arms and he pulled her close to him. He kissed her forehead, her cheeks, and then her lips. 

  
"Good night Marian."

  
She opened her eyes and smiled at him. 

  
"Good night Fenris."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ack! I swear sometimes I just want then to rip of their clothes and go for it. But that's just not how it goes. Stay tuned.


	20. Corsets and Regrets

"Mother why is there a corset on my bed?"

  
"It's to wear with your outfit tonight dear."

  
"You said nothing fancy. We agreed on nothing fancy."

  
"For goodness sakes Marian it's just a corset! Would it kill you to dress like a girl once in awhile?"

  
"Considering what I used to do to make money mother. Yes it would have killed me to dress like a girl. Dresses and corsets would get me killed quicker than running out of mana in the middle of a fight."

  
Leandra shook her head. She knew better than to challenge her further.   
"Marian it's not that I don't love you and the woman that you have grown into. It's just that you are still my little girl and I do like to see you dress like one. Do it for me darling, please?"

  
"All right then. But you're going to have to help me get it on in have no idea what I am doing."

  
It was times like this that she missed Bethany most. She would have adored having dresses and attending dinners with nobles. Hawke wondered what Carver was up to. He hadn't written her once and her stubbornness forbade her from writing to him first. She found herself regretting the decision to leave him behind. But in the end she reminded herself that he had to forge his own path, and she needed to let him.

  
She let her mother play with her hair and agreed to makeup. When she looked in the mirror she almost didn't recognize herself. The corset accentuated her hips beautifully. The black contrasting with the purple silk of her blouse, which hung off her shoulders and dipped low enough on the bust to give a peek at her barely there cleavage. The tight black pants she wore fit snugly into her knee high black boots. Her mother had styled her hair to sweep across her forehead and the lipstick she applied was a dark red. She smiled at her reflection and thought that just maybe she could get used to dressing up once in awhile.

  
***

  
Fenris paced about the mansion. The box Varric brought over sat unopened on the table. 

  
"You can't show up to a dinner party in your armor Broody."

  
"I don't own any other clothing dwarf."

  
"Of that I am well aware which is why I took it upon myself to have some tailored for you."

  
Fenris gave the dwarf a glare. He had never thought to purchase clothing for himself. His armor suited him. It did not rub against his markings and it left most of him covered which he preferred.

  
"Just open the box already. I promise there are no ruffles."

  
Fenris stamped over to the table and lifted the lid of the box. Upon inspecting the clothing he realized Varric knew more than he let on. 

  
"How did you know?"

  
"Call it a hunch; call it knowing you for over a year."

  
"I did not know what to expect. This is quite suitable thank you Varric."

  
"You're welcome. No go change and let's get over there I'm starved.

  
***

  
Leandra fussed about the house making sure everything was in order. Bodahn kept offering her a glass of wine and reassuring her that he had everything taken care of. Hawke had already drunk one glass and was ready for another when she heard the front door chime.

  
"I'll get it!"

  
"Messere I believe that's my job now."

  
Hawke rolled her eyes and kept going. She was not about to have someone answer the door for her. 

  
"Aveline welcome. You're still in your guard uniform?"

  
"Yes Hawke sorry. Had some mishaps with the recruits today and stayed at later than I meant to."

  
"Are they not up to snuff?"

  
"They're terrible. This is why I have a favor to ask."

  
"Name it."

  
"I'd like to borrow Tiny from you a couple days a week. I think he'd be a great training tool. A good old mabari charge is what my men need."

  
"Of course. Plus I think it will be good for him to get out more. He's been putting on weight since we moved here."

  
The door chimed again but Bodahn was already making his way to the door. Hawke let him have this one and instead offered Aveline a glass of wine.   
Merrill and Isabela were escorted in and Hawke embraced them both.

  
"Oh Hawke you look lovely. Is that a corset? Are your hips supposed to curve out like that?"

  
"Kitten that's was corsets do." Isabela made her way over to the liquor table and plopped down the bottle of whiskey she brought.

She had and Merrill had spent the better part of the afternoon rifling through her closet trying to find appropriate attire. Everything Isabela owned was either too short or too revealing, and most of it hung off Merrill's tiny little frame. Normally Isabela didn't put much thought into how much skin she was showing. But she liked Leandra, she was the mother everyone should have, and she found herself wanting to please her. They finally opted to have a girl’s day of shopping. Merrill had found a simple green dress that didn't fall completely past her feet and Isabela found a red sundress that was just short enough to still be modest.

  
"Isabela I had no idea you had clothing that actually covered you."

  
"Laugh all you like Hawke I didn't buy this for you."

  
"It looks great on you really and I know mother will love it."

  
The door chimed again and Varric could be heard in the foyer bantering with Bodahn. 

  
"No hard feelings friend. None of us knew what Bartrand was up to. I'm grateful you argued on our behalf."

  
Varric came strolling into the parlor dressed in finery. His leather duster replaced with a velvet one with a silk shirt unbuttoned as always.

  
"Hawke, beautiful as always. Or is it Lady Hawke now?"

  
"There will be none of that, Ser Tethras."

  
Varric winked and walked over to Leandra. He kissed her hand and proceeded to compliment her on how wonderful the estate looked. Leandra beamed and went on to tell him about how her grandfather was the one who first installed the wood paneling.

  
"Hello Hawke."

  
She turned around and nearly gasped at the sight of Fenris. He had replaced his armor with a high necked black vest and grey silk tunic. The fabric tight enough on him that his muscles could be seen still. 

  
"You look beautiful Hawke."

  
"Mother dressed me."

  
"I will have to remember to thank her later for the view. You can thank Varric for yours."

  
"Varric dressed you?"

  
"Varric bought the clothing for me. I'm slightly concerned about how he acquired my measurements."

  
"Varric has his ways."

  
He leaned down to place a kiss on her cheek when the door chimed again. Bodahn came dashing into the foyer to get to the door before Hawke. 

  
"A message was delivered from Anders messere." Bodahn handed her the letter and rushed himself off to the kitchen. 

  
"I can already guess what it says." She handed Fenris the letter. 

  
"Here read it to me. Maybe hearing it in someone else's voice will make me less irritated about it."

  
Fenris pursed his lips and looked down at his feet. He hadn't told anyone that he couldn't read and now was not the time to be revealing such things.   
"It's a private letter Hawke. I do not think it would be appropriate."

  
Hawke narrowed her eyes at him but decided not to press further. She opened the letter and read it out loud.

  
"Hawke, I am regretfully unable to attend your dinner tonight. I have too many things to attend to in the clinic. Besides I have nothing in the way of attire. I will be more than happy to make it up to you if you care to come visit me sometime. All my best Anders."

  
Hawke sighed; she knew Anders was busy with patients. He was doing good things for the people in the slums. But every once in awhile she felt like he was purposely avoiding all of them. Lately he hadn't even been showing up to Wicked Grace. She would have to go visit him and hopefully get him out in the sun light for a few hours.

  
"Marian dear, Bodahn is ready to start serving dinner are you two planning to join us?"

  
"Coming right now mother."

  
She smiled at Fenris and they headed into the dining room together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So very sorry for the long delay. I went on a week long camping trip and wasn't able to do much writing. Anyone ever heard of Pennsic? It's like the renaissance Faire meets camping. Anyways here's the next installment. I'm starting it's continuation right now. Thanks for reading as always.


	21. Tales of Tabris

"Everyone please raise your glasses." Leandra held up her glass of wine and stood. She smiled at her daughter and her friends. 

  
"When we first came to Kirkwall I worried for my daughter. I see now that I never needed to. All of you have shown me that no matter what my little bird will be safe out of the nest."

  
"Here here!"

  
Hawke toasted and drank all that was left in her glass. She knew Varric and Isabela would not forget hearing her mother's nickname for her. The smirks they were sharing were proof. 

  
"Darling I think I'm going to head off to bed though. Feel free to keep enjoying the night. Good night everyone thank you again for all you've done."

  
Everyone wished Leandra a pleasant evening and made their way into the parlor to share the whiskey Isabela had brought. Bodahn brought in glasses and went to serve when Hawke stopped him. 

  
"Bodahn, you've done so much already. Please sit down have a glass and relax."

  
"Oh I couldn't do that messere."

  
"Bodahn really sit. Join us. Besides I heard you mention that you traveled with the Hero of Ferelden. That's a story I'd love to hear."

  
Bodahn finally agreed to sit with them. Hawke poured out whiskey for everyone and they sat together waiting for Bodahn to begin. Hawke curled up next to Fenris and he took her hand in his. 

  
"Well you see I met mistress Tabris shortly after the battle at Ostagar. She and her companions stopped some bandits from stealing my wares. Lovely thing she was. So happy to help. A city elf, born from nothing."

  
Bodahn went on to tell them of how he and his son would follow the Hero and make camp with them. They laughed when he talked of how she had to chase her dog through the woods to give him a bath. Merrill cheered when he told them of how she saved the alienage in Denerim from being sold to Tevinter slavers. Isabela let out a chuckle and confirmed that indeed she was the pirate at the Pearl who taught the hero dueling. 

  
"I also taught her some other things too, but that's another story."

  
"Quiet whore." Aveline said glaringly.

  
Varric kept scribbling away in his notepad while Bodahn talked. Hawke found herself tearing up when Bodahn spoke of Tabris's decision in the landsmeet.   
"She couldn't bring herself to execute Loghain. She said that she had been given a second chance at life by joining the Grey wardens. That everyone deserves a second chance, especially if it means seeking redemption. Alistair, he just couldn't see it that way. I wonder sometimes that if she knew that she'd be losing her friend, she would have made the same choice."

  
Aveline raised a glass to King Alistair and Hawke did the same. They might live in Kirkwall but they were Ferelden in their hearts. 

  
"I know some people say that it wasn't a true Blight because Tabris survived. But I saw the archdemon with my own eyes. It was a miracle, she was given a second chance and she lived."

  
"So what happened in the end, what did she do afterwards?" Merrill asked sitting right at Bodahns feet hanging on his every word.

  
"Well she stayed to see Alistair crowned. Then she and the other elf, Zevran, they went off together. Told me they were going to see the world. Bit of a love story there I'm sure. Though I didn't ask. But you could tell just looking at them, there was something there. That's the last time I saw her."

  
"That was a wonderful story Bodahn thank you." Hawke said.

  
"Messere I believe I will be off to bed now if there's nothing else you need."

  
Hawke nodded and passed the bottle back around to everyone.

  
"Thank you, little bird." Isabela said snorting into her glass. 

  
Hawke rolled her eyes as Varric and Isabela laughed.

  
"Speaking of nicknames Varric." Aveline interjected. 

  
"What about them?"

  
"You have one for everyone but me. Rivaini, Blondie, Daisy, Broody. But nothing for me."

  
"I don't have nicknames for Hawke or Bianca."

  
"Hawke isn't her real name and don't get me started on the crossbow."

  
"Hmmm how about Red?"

  
"Too common."

  
"Tell you what I'll think of something and let you know."

  
"Very well. Hawke I'm afraid I'll have to decline another glass. I've got recruits who need training in the morning. Shall I take Tiny now?"

  
"Go for it. There's some leftover ham in the larder if he needs encouragement."

  
"I've got a mutton chop at home if he needs more."

  
Tiny came bounding into the parlor having obviously heard he was receiving food. He hopped around Aveline’s heels in excitement. 

  
"C'mon boy. There's mutton and recruits for you to chew on."

  
As the night went on eventually everyone said their goodbyes. Isabela and Merrill departed together and Varric followed them. As they left Hawke heard Merrill asking what exactly did Isabela teach Tabris. Isabela laughed and said she'd show her.

  
"I guess I should be making my way home as well." Fenris said standing up.  
"I almost forgot I have a small gift for you. Just a thank you for all you've done and for the cuddles." Hawke handed the package to him. He felt immediately what it was but opened the wrapping none the less.

  
"It's a book."

  
"Written by Shartan the elf that helped free the slaves in Tevinter."

  
"It's just that well." Fenris looked down at his feet again as he did so often when he was embarrassed or unsure of what words he should use. 

  
"You can't read can you?"

  
"Slaves are not permitted to read. So no I never learned."

  
"It's not too late you know. I would be more than happy to teach you."

  
"I would like that very much."

  
"Here your very first lesson." Hawke pulled out a piece of parchment and wrote just a single word on it.

  
"What does it say?"

  
"Fenris."

  
He smiled and handed the paper back to her. She gave him a knowing grin and wrote something else. 

  
"And now?"

  
"Now it says Fenris and Hawke."

  
"I look forward to more lessons."

  
He kissed her on the forehead and took his leave. Before going to sleep he took out the parchment and traced over the letters. He couldn't read it, but just knowing what it said made him happy. Fenris and Hawke, he thought to himself as he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I just had to sneak a bit of my warden in there. I've played origins 3 times and Tabris was always my favorite one. I may end up someday writing a fic about her too.


	22. Lesson learned

"Kaffas!"

  
Fenris was tired of writing. Hawke insisted he write every letter from memory. That wasn't the hard part. It was getting the shapes right. He had grown frustrated several times when he realized he must have written half of them backwards. He nearly threw the parchment into the fire before she intervened. 

  
"Hey now there will be none of that. You can curse up a storm but do not hurl good parchment into the fire. Especially not until I've had a chance to look at it."

  
"I've written most of them wrong."

  
"Let me look damn it."

  
Fenris huffed and sat himself roughly on the floor. He went from brooding to pouting almost instantly.

  
"You actually got more correct than you thought. You got your b and d mixed up, also your s and z. But those are normal to mix up. Just have to remember that's all. Here look at me."

  
She pointed to her ears. 

  
"When you think of b and d remember ears. See this ear is d and this ear is b."

  
Fenris fixed her with a perplexed stare as she attempted to explain letters with her ears. He supposed it might work for a child. 

  
"What about the s and z. How do you remember the difference?"

  
"S is soft so soft curls. Z is hard so hard lines."

  
"That one makes sense to me. The other not so much."

  
"You'll catch on eventually I promise."

  
***  
"The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog?"

  
"Congratulations Fenris you just read a sentence that contained every letter."

  
"Of all the things you could have written using every letter that's what you came up with?"

  
"That's the sentence I was taught with and I remember being happy afterwards. I didn't criticize the nature of what I was reading."

  
"You were a child."

  
"For a grown man you sure know how to act like one."

  
"Venhedis."

  
***  
"I could not know then that she was my freedom. No when I first saw her I saw only a human. Her beauty the only thing worth noticing about her. Yet as time went on I learned that she was my salvation and the breaker of my chains."

  
Hawke sat listening to Fenris read to her. He would occasionally find a word he did not understand. He would stop and ask her what it was. Often that led to questions about its meaning.

  
It had been nearly three months since they had agreed to see where things would go between them. However there had not been much talk between them about their feelings.

  
Fenris would often close up if it seemed the conversation was steering in that direction. He wouldn't make eye contact and eventually she would change the subject. There would be the occasional kiss between them. Usually when they said good bye and most often on her forehead or cheek.  
Some women might have found the pace of their courtship to be maddening. Hawke simply enjoyed having someone care for her. So many years avoiding attachments to protect herself and her family. For once someone knew exactly what she was, she didn't have to hide.

  
"Messere a letter has arrived from the Viscount." Bodahn came into the library holding what was obviously a very official letter.

  
Hawke opened the seal and read the contents. She read them twice more just to be sure. 

  
"Oh Maker why me?"

  
"What is it?"

  
"I should have known getting this house would come at a price."

  
"Hawke tell me."

  
"Serah Hawke, I hope you are settled in your new home. I have urgent need of your assistance in a matter concerning the Qunari. I have been told you had dealings with their Arishok and I believe you to be one of the only people in Kirkwall who can assist. Your presence is requested in my chambers in two days time."

  
"Do you want me to come with you?"

  
"Would you?"

  
"Of course."

  
Hawke spent the next two days wondering what the viscount could possibly want her to help with in regards to the Qunari. She had tried to avoid them as much as possible after the incident with the sarabaas.

  
As she walked up the stairs to the keep she kept hearing Flemeth's voice in her head.

  
"Hurtled into chaos you fight and the world will tremble before you."

  
Hadn't she already faced chaos in the deep roads? Was there more to come? She shook her thoughts away and decided that women who turn into dragons are best left forgotten if one was to remain sane. Fenris seemed to sense her trepidation. He placed a hand gently on her shoulder and gave it a squeeze to remind her he was there. 

  
"Let's get this over with shall we?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's short but I needed a segue way into act 2 because I promised 3 chapters ago to get into it. Next one I promise is act 2 begun


	23. A Courtesy

Varric watched as Hawke came running up the stairs towards his suite. 

  
"I'm not here."

  
She ducked into his bedroom and pressed herself up against the wall and gave him a pleading look.

  
Moments later he saw Aveline come marching up the stairs with a determined glare.

  
"I know she's here Varric."

  
"Who?" 

  
"Hawke."

  
"Haven't seen her. Been here all day avoiding guild meetings."

  
"Varric I'm not stupid. I know she is hiding in here somewhere."

  
Varric shrugged his shoulders and went back to the manuscript he was writing. He was nearly finished with the latest chapter of Hard in Hightown and his editor was impatient.

  
"Very well. Hawke since I already know you're in here let me just say this. You were requested by the Arishok himself, by name. You have a duty to Kirkwall that you must uphold. I will go with you if that helps at all. Also if you don't go I will be forced to tell your mother.

  
"You wouldn't dare!" Hawke burst out of her hiding spot.

  
"No I wouldn't. But I knew it would get you to come out." 

  
"Aveline, why? Why me?"

  
"I don't have the answer for that Hawke. All I know is it seems you made an impression that stayed."

  
"I was just trying to put together enough coin for the expedition. It's not just the Arishok Aveline. I've got three letters at home asking me for help. From people I barely remember. But somehow they know me and they know where I live."

  
"Hawke you don't seem to realize the impact that you made when you moved to Hightown. Coin is flowing in places it hasn't for some time. You've gained notoriety."

  
"I don't want to have notoriety. I'm an apostate; I have always tried to stay unnoticed. If these people know me how long before the Templars come. How long before I'm hauled off to the circle and probably made tranquil for the simple fact of having been on the run for so many years."

  
"If you don't respond to the Arishok's summons I can guarantee the next people at your door will be templars. The viscount will not hesitate if he thinks it will keep tensions with the Qunari at a simmer."

  
Hawke sat down and buried her head in her hands. 

  
"The sooner you go the sooner you will find out what he wants. The mystery must be driving you mad. I know you Hawke; your curiosity will drive you there eventually. Wouldn't you rather it be with a friend?"

  
"Varric will you come too?"

  
"I can't miss this. Besides I can always use it as research for a future series."

  
"Fine let's go."

  
***  
They had run into Isabela as they were leaving but she claimed that she had a lead on her missing relic and had to be off at once. 

  
Hawke preferred to have at least three people with her when embarking on any mission. No one ever questioned her reasons. She told herself it was because there was safety in numbers. The real reason was that there had been four when they left Lothering. So long as four left and four came back, she could slowly forgive herself for Bethany. 

  
There was no time to grab anyone else though. Daylight was fading and it didn't seem wise to make the Arishok wait another day.

  
As they approached the compound Hawke stopped and stared out at the Gallows across the harbor. Carver had written to mother again, but not her. What was he doing right now she wondered? Was he happy? Did he ever regret his decision as she had hers?

  
"Hawke?" 

  
"Sorry Aveline, lost in a thought."

  
"He'll write eventually."

  
"Maybe."

  
***  
"Serah Hawke. Last we met I did not know your name. Did not care to. You have changed your fortune over the years. The Qunari have not. I offer a courtesy Hawke. Someone has stolen what he thinks is the formula for gaatlok. You will want to hunt him."

  
"Sounds like quite the accomplishment."

  
"It was allowed. The stolen formula was a decoy. Saar qamek, a poisonous gas, not explosives. A small amount is dangerous enough, but made in quantity by someone who is looking to sell it."

  
"I should have let Fenris kill that damn dwarf."

  
"Will he be cautious I wonder? Or will he assume success and make enough to threaten a district. A courtesy Hawke. You will want to hunt him."

  
"You left the formula for a dangerous gas just lying around for someone to steal and then you expect me to track him down?"

  
"We did not make it easy. Three Qunari died defending it. Enough to impact a sense of worth."

  
"You know you made it quite obvious how much you hate this city years ago. Why are you warning me it's in danger?"

  
"Because you have shown competence. The day comes when the Qun will demand accounting and then I will show respect to the most promising among you."

  
"I’m going to take that as a compliment just so you know. Varric any idea where we might find Javaris?"

  
"I heard about a sell off. Merchant territories and such. They don't do that unless someone left in a hurry. I don't see him being a burglar though. Coterie in our best bet for more information."

  
"Wonderful, I was looking forward to a trip to Darktown it's been too long."  
"Panahedan Hawke. I do not hope you die."

  
"That's very comforting thank you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Act 2 has begun. Doing my best to update every few days. If you can believe it i have written 95% of this work using a note app on my phone. Ideas just tend to come easier to me when I'm laying in bed.


	24. Blackpowder Courtesy

"Anders? Anders are you in?"

  
"Yes, I'm in the back I'll be right out."

  
Anders had hoped Hawke would eventually come by. He wanted a chance to talk to her alone. His hopes were dashed when he saw she was accompanied by Varric and Aveline. 

  
"Is something wrong?"

  
"Oh just a typical day in Kirkwall. Someone stole a formula for Qunari gas and might unleash it on the city."

  
"Wonderful as if I don't have enough patients."

  
"That's why we're here. Thought maybe you'd like to come along and help us hunt down Javaris."

  
"Javaris stole the formula?"

  
"He's the top suspect and the only lead at this point."

  
Varric filled Anders in on the rest of the details as they made their way towards Coterie territory. 

  
As they got closer they heard a female voice calling out to any who would listen.

  
"Turn out your pockets Kirkwall. The leases of Javaris Tintop are up for grabs." 

  
"You're selling the leases of Javaris Tintop?" Hawke approached cautiously. She had a few dealings with the Coterie when she was smuggling. Not all of them turned out well. 

  
"We are, limited districts, limited contracts. Keeps territories speared from the start. He had a meager lot but he left with dues outstanding so up it goes."

  
"I see, any idea where the little bastard went off to?"

  
"You asked that about anyone else I'd probably gut you. He owed me too though. Javaris left in a hurry, I'd put him at smugglers cut. If you see him tell him I said 'Don't come back'."

  
"I will relay that message loud and clear when I find him."

  
***  
"You sodding mage bitch!"

  
"Hello to you too Javaris. Now shut up and hand over the formula. It's a fake."

  
"I don't have it. Some crazy elf framed me. I got out of Kirkwall as fast as I could. No way those horned bastards would believe I wasn't behind the theft. I hired guards, the men you just took out I might add, and got out."

  
"You'd better keep on going then."

  
"Gladly, sodding stupid humans."

  
"I can hear you muttering things about me under your breath. Might want to learn to whisper you ass!"

  
"Hawke we need to get back to Kirkwall. Someone planned this."

  
"I know Aveline. We'll take the route back that heads into Lowtown. Maybe go investigate in the alienage for this elf Javaris mentioned."

  
***

  
The gas was everywhere. A pungent green mist that filled the alleyways turning everyone insane. There were moment where Hawke found herself alone facing down innocent people intent on killing her. She tried to take them down with non lethal attacks as best she could. But then the mercenaries showed up. 

  
"Hawke there's one more barrel to close up!" Avelines cried out from around a corner.

  
"I have the latch where is it?"

  
"Over here Hawke quick!" Varric shouted.

  
Hawke ran towards his voice and was met by a mercenary with two blades charging at her. She brought her staff down and sent a force wave underneath him. He flew backwards and was hit by a blast of ice from Anders. 

  
"Anders catch!" Hawke threw the latch and Anders caught it one handed. Two bolts from Varric came flying past him to hit the fighter sneaking up behind.

  
"It's shut!"  
Hakwe used what was left of her mana to cast winds to clear the air in the alley.

  
"Is that Serah Hawke? Oh this is perfect yes. If you die there will be uproar." A wild eyed elf appeared at the top of the stairs leading out of the alley. She held aloft a great sword bigger than her body.

  
"Oh goody. What sort of crazy are you?"

  
"It wasn't supposed to happen this way. The barrels were supposed to explode. The Qunari would be blamed and the viscount would be forced to send them away."

  
"Why are you doing this? I'm not happy about them being here either but this is not the way to be rid of them."

  
"My brothers and sisters forget their culture. Then they turn to the Qun for direction. We lose them twice! This had to be done. I'm glad it's you here. This is the message that needs to be sent."

  
"Have it your way."

  
***  
Hawke stared down at the body of the elf. She wasn't sure what had killed her. The bolt in her chest or the lightning she had called down. 

  
"Hawke, I'll explain what happened to the viscount. You should head home."

  
"I'm going to see the Arishok first. Let him know what a mess this all caused."

  
"You don't have to do this."

  
"Yes I do. He needs to know the casualties his ruse caused."

  
Hakwe picked up the great sword and headed off towards the docks with Anders and Varric following behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all my readers thank you so much. Your comments and kudos are what keep me going.


	25. Memories Surface

"Your little ruse killed twenty five innocent people Arishok. Twenty five people died because you let someone steal your formula."

  
"It was necessary."

  
"Does the Qun tell you that?"

  
" I will not attempt to explain what the Qun is to an ignorant baas such as yourself."

  
"You should know that it wasn't Javaris who stole it. I believe there may be a conspiracy to have you forcibly removed from the city. Perhaps it's time you left, before more innocent people are brought into this."

  
"We cannot leave."

  
"You hate it here. That has been made clear many times over."

  
"How do you stand to see all this chaos? How do you live each day knowing the foul corruption exists."

  
"Chaos and corruption are a part of life. It's not something that can be gotten rid of with a wave of the hand." Hawke mimicked the Arishoks hand wave for emphasis. 

  
"You dare to mock me?"

  
"Yes I do dare. You had me investigate your theft and I was the one who had to witness innocent people either choke to death on their own vomit, or go insane from the effects of your poison! You have no reason to stay here yet you continue to remain! How long will it take before you leave?"

  
"It will take as long as it needs to, no ship is coming. There is no rescue from duty to the Qun. I am stuck here."

  
"Ah yes the Qun. Tell me is it a demand of the Qun to be consistently vague about everything?"

  
"Shall I argue the wind? Very well filth stole from us. Not now, not the saar-qamek, years ago. A simple act of greed has bound me. We are all denied Par Vollen until I recover what was lost under my command. That is why this elf and her shadows are unimportant. This is why I do not walk away from this pustule of a city. Fixing your mess is not a demand of the Qun and you should all be grateful!"

 

The Arishok stood as he yelled at her. It seemed as though he was holding back from charging into her face. The Qunari next to him didn't even flinch. Then as soon as the anger burst from him it left.  


"Thank you for your service human, leave."

  
Hawke considered another retort. It took everything she had to not flinch when the Arishok had begun yelling. She didn't think she could continue without trembling. She merely nodded and walked out of the compound with her head held high. She would not let him see her fear.

  
***  
Fenris was waiting outside her estate with two bottles of wine when she returned home.

  
"How long have you been here?"

  
"I was home and Aveline stopped by. Said you'd be arriving back soon and that the day had not gone well."

  
"She knows more than she let's on doesn't she?"

  
"Aveline has known about my feelings for you for quite some time. She is quite intuitive, it is what makes her so capable as a captain. Were I in a position to do so I would happily submit to being a recruit."

  
She went upstairs to change out of her armor and found him in the library. His reading was improving greatly in part to her insisting he read out loud to her. She found that it not only helped him learn, but the added bonus was listening to his voice. He handed her a glass of wine and joined her on the small couch.

  
"Before I forget here. I dragged this all the way from Lowtown for you."  
Fenris took hold of the great sword. It was finely made and the edge was pristine. 

  
"How did you come by this?"

  
"Let's just say it was my reward for satisfying a demand of the Qun."  
"Interesting. It is superior to what I own now. Perhaps it is time for a new blade. Thank you."

  
"Which book would you like to read tonight."

  
"I did not come here tonight to have a reading lesson."  
"Oh?"

  
"No I am here simply to be with you."

  
They ended up together on the couch. Hakwe nestled with her back against his chest. They ended up forgoing glasses and passed a bottle back and forth between them. 

  
"When did you first realize you were a mage?"

  
"My parents knew there was a very strong possibility that I would be one. My father was a mage and the Amells had magic in the blood already. So they kept watch for the signs. When I was five years old I accidentally set my bed on fire. I had my first fade nightmare and when I woke up my sheets were smoking."

  
"That sounds like a frightening experience."

  
"Oh it was. I had no idea what the creatures in my dreams were. Only that they knew my name. My training began the very next day."

  
"Your father then, he was your teacher?"

  
"Yes. He had books that he had taken when he fled Kirkwall. Others he acquired during our travels. He taught me above all that being a mage didn't make me better or worse than anyone else. It was the choices that I made that determined who I was."

  
"How do you learn knew abilities?"

  
"Some you learn from books. Others just come to you. For me it's always been easiest to use elemental and primal magic. Bethany was always best with creation and spirit magic. My father though. He was a mage beyond measure. Before he died he had mastered five schools of magic."

  
"What was he like, your father?"

  
"He was the most wonderful man. He was a patient teacher, always ready to help no matter what. Carver didn't get to have as much of a relationship as Bethany and I did. He was often too busy with our lessons to have time for Carver. I think he resents me for that. For having father more."

  
"Carver will write."

  
"You know everyone keeps saying that. I want to believe it. But the more time that passes without anything I begin to doubt more and more."

  
Fenris kissed the top of her head and pulled her close. He envied her for her family, as broken as it was. He had no memory of a family, only Danarius and his cruelty. 

  
Leandra found them asleep hours later. She smiled and remembered fondly nights with Malcolm, of times long gone. She had hoped to find her daughter a suitable match amongst the eligible nobility. To give her a chance at a normal life. But seeing her now cradled in the arms of Fenris she knew this was what would make her daughter happiest. She brought out a blanket and laid it over them. Fenris stirred at the sudden touch and his eyes flew open. 

  
"It's only me Fenris. Thought you two might get cold as the fire dies."  
He nodded silently and closed his eyes. He felt for a moment that this is what family must feel like. 

  
***  
"Leto, try and catch me!"

  
"Varania slow down!"

  
"No you have to catch me!"

  
He tried to catch her but his legs were shorter than hers and she was too fast. She looked back and laughed and he saw too late that she was going to run straight into the master. He tried to yell but he couldn't. 

  
Varania slammed into the master and fell backwards hard on the ground. The dream ended with the sounds of her cries as the lash went across her back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all who gave comments and kudos. Again have I told you how awesome you are?


	26. I've Never.....

“Spare a coin messere? My children are starving.”

Hawke pulled out a sovereign and put into the trembling woman’s hands. She had seen her many times always asking for coin to feed her children. Hawke made a point to always give to those she could when she was in Darktown.

It pained her to see so many of her fellow countrymen begging for scraps and coin. Kirkwall had not been easy on so many Fereldens; it made Hawke realize just how close she had been to being just like them. As she made her way towards Anders clinic she made a mental note to see about bringing unused clothing with her next time. Some of Carvers things had been left behind, they could go towards keeping someone warm.

Anders was seated at his makeshift desk scribbling furiously away on parchment, a look of fierce concentration on his face.

“Am I interrupting anything?”

Anders looked up and gave her a weary smile.

“Come to root me out of my hole?

“Your absence has been noted at the last two Wicked Grace nights. You failing to show has ended in several arguments over who actually showed up last.”

“I’ve been busy, with things.”

Hawke looked around at the empty clinic; his shelves were fully stocked with bandages and potions. The cots looked clean and unused. As her gaze swept back to him he avoided looking at her and seemed preoccupied with his nails.

“What sort of things then?”

“Templars came a few nights ago. Not for me, for a little girl. It’s getting worse Hawke; I don’t know how long I can keep hidden from them. So I’ve been helping free the some of the mages from The Gallows. I figure I can learn the ways in and out in case they catch me.”

“I would think you’d want to avoid going anywhere near The Gallows. What if you’re caught, what then? I don’t know if they would hesitate to kill you on the spot, or worse make you Tranquil.”

“I can’t just watch and do nothing. Have you noticed how many more Tranquil there are now than when you first came to Kirkwall? The number grows every month Hawke. Good mages too, ones who I know passed their Harrowing.”

Hawke had not gone to The Gallows since she had come back from the Deep Roads. Not since Carver had left. She didn’t want to see him there and feel the rejection if he decided to pretend he didn’t know her. Her hesitation in answering gave Anders the realization he needed.

“I see. I haven’t seen him when I have been there. He’s still probably still in training and isn’t allowed much leave time.”

“Aveline needs me to go speak to that templar, Emeric. He’s been harassing the guards about the missing women from a few years ago. I've been putting off going.”

“You mean the one who sent you off to that foundry and nearly got you killed?”

“In his defense he didn’t send me to Lowtown. I chose to go; I was trying to help that man find his wife. I’m still amazed at what I was willing to do to try and save up the coin for that damn expedition.”

“If it weren’t for that expedition I never would have met you.”

“That expedition led me to all of you. Well except Merrill but that’s a whole different mess that I got into.”

"I will come to Wicked Grace tonight if you promise me that tomoreow you will go to the Gallows. I need someone to tell me if I'm just imagining the multitude of tranquil there. Please, do this for me Hawke." He placed his hand over hers as he asked, a desperate look in his eyes. 

"All right. But if you don't show up tonight I will be back here tomorrow to drag you out into the daylight."

"It's a deal."  
***  
True to his word Anders showed up that night. When the night was over however he wished he hadn't. 

It was becoming more and more obvious how close Hawke and Fenris were becoming. They had shown up together, which Anders originally dismissed as mere coincidence. They both lived in Hightown and it made sense to travel together as night fell. But then he noticed Fenris pulling out Hawkes chair for her. Then there was the looks they would share. He tried to ignore it and was doing just fine until Isabela bumped him and his cards fell to the floor. As he bent down to get them he saw that Fenris's hand was resting on Hawkes thigh. After that his night just got steadily worse.

Isabela decided that she was bored of Wicked Grace and wanted to play a new game. 

"Let's play 'I've never', it will be fun I promise."

"Rivaini I've played a lot of games in my life but that's one I haven't heard of."

"It's simple. Everyone starts with a full drink. We go round and declare something we've never done. If anyone at the table has done it then they have to drink. Simple as that."

"So you'll be finishing your drink first then I assume."

"Very funny. Come on give it a try!"

They all agreed and as a show of thanks Isabela bought them all a round to start. 

"All right Varric, as the host you get to start."

"Fine then, I've never lived anywhere but Kirkwall."

Everyone at the table took a drink and grumbled about cheap shots. Varric grinned at all of them.

"All right then Varric if you want to play that way, I've never fired a crossbow." Hawke said with a smirk. Varric lifted his glass in toast and Isabela took a drink as well, winking at Hawke as she did.

Fenris looked down at his mug. He began to realize he might not be able to play this game so well. So few memories to go by, he could be lying for all the things he might say he had never done. Hawke gave his leg a squeeze and he looked to see her smiling at him.

"I've never cheated at Wicked Grace."

Aveline laughed and took a drink along with Varric and Isabela. The shocked looks meant an explanation was needed.

"It was one time during my early days in the army. Had to put some of those upstarts in their place. But let's continue, I've never been to the Deep Roads."

Anders glared at her as he drank. Hawke, Varric, Fenris, and Merrill all toasted one another with their cups before drinking. A reminder of their adventure. 

"Fine then Aveline if you want to go for cheap shots, I've never slept with a templar."

Hawke winced at hearing that. Aveline had kept very quiet about the details of Wesleys death. Anders couldn't have known how deep a wound he had just hit. But Aveline didn't miss a beat, she took her drink and nearly spit when she saw Isabela take one too.

"What? I've been to a lot of places and been with a lot of people. Heck I've even been with someone who became a Templar afterwards." Isabela realized too late what she had said and prepared for the worst.

"You slept with my brother?" Hawke asked and then immediately burst out laughing. Isabela was taken aback. She had expected anger or something else.

"What's so funny?"

"Only that you kept trying to get me into bed when we first met, and instead you slept with him. For all the times he's complained of being compared to me he doesn't realize that it could have happened in the bedroom."

"So you're not mad at me?"

"Oh not at all. Keep the game going Bels, this is fun."

"I've never been to the Gallows."

Everyone took a drink and was in shock that she'd never made the trip. Hawke made a point to invite her to join the next day when she went.

"Oh my turn then? Let's see I've never used a sword." Merrill's statement brought more laughter to the table as all but Varric took a drink.

They continued on and learned a great deal about one another. Isabela had been married, though she would not share details. Anders had been to all major cities of Ferelden. Varric had owned a pet nug. Merrill had brothers, though she hadn't seen them since she was a child. Aveline had never been to Orlais though her family was from there. 

Isabela began to notice a trend as some of the statements got to be a bit naughty. Hawke wasn't drinking. In fact every time a statement was about anything to do with sex Hawkes cup stayed down, as well as Fenris's. She could tell that Hawke was inexperienced but it didn't occur to her that she was a virgin.

"If we're going to be dirty about this I've got one that will get all of you." Varric announced with a triumphant look of glee.   
"Never have I slept with a man!"

Fenris lifted his cup with a feeling of shame that was soon forgotten when he realized along with everyone else that Hawke was the only one who wasn't drinking. She blushed scarlet looking at the rest of them and quickly excused herself to the privy.

"Oh shit." Varric said despondently.

"Let's not make a big deal out of it ok? When she gets back we will just play on like nothing happened." Aveline was always ready to take charge when the situation called for direction. "All right then someone start talking about something else so we're not sitting in silence when she gets back."

Varric began telling them about his idea for a new serial. He was thinking of writing one based on the guard captain from his Hard in Higtown series. He was getting into some of the details when Hawke returned. No one said anything as she sat down. She looked at the rest of them and seemed to be thinking. She tilted her head and smiled. 

"I've never been to Rivain."

Isabela smiled and took her drink happily. Hawke did her best to hide her embarrassment for the rest of the night. It was never something she thought would be made public knowledge, her lack of experience. Seeing Fenris drink had been more of a concern. She suspected that he had been made to do things, seeing proof was enough to make her want to kill the man even more.

Anders wished for nothing more than to forget what he had seen and heard that night. He lay in bed trying to erase the memory of her blushing face and the way the elf ran a hand up her back when she returned. It should have been him there. She had flirted with him once long ago it seemed. He had pushed her away, tried to protect her from what he was. What if he had just played along. It could have been him that went to the Deep Roads with her. He would have gone there for her if she had asked. He fell asleep with thoughts of what if. In the Fade Justice came to life and he was forced to listen to another lecture about Hawke being a hinderance to their mission and an unnatainable desire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in keeping with the confession theme of this chapter I don't use a computer to write this. I have a note app on my phone and I have used it to write every chapter of this story. It's very relaxing for me to type all this while I'm laying in bed.  
> I've gotten some wonderful comments recently and they have been such an inspiration for me to keep going.   
> Next chapter will be the beginnings of A Bitter Pill.


	27. Isabela Takes Action

Isabela rarely found herself apologizing for anything. She never took the time to think about consequences when she spoke and she was fine with that. But the revelations from the drinking game the night before left her with a sour feeling in her stomach. She needed to talk to both Hawke and Fenris and knew it needed to be done quickly. She decided it best to see Fenris first, he was more likely to dismiss her and she could be done with it quickly. She needed time to think about what she had to say to Hawke.

She knocked on the door to the dilapidated mansion and waited for an answer. She was about to walk away when the door creaked open slightly and she saw a green eye peer out at her.

“Isabela?” Fenris opened the door the rest of the way and motioned for her to come in.

“I’m not going to bother with small talk. I came here to apologize to you. The game last night, I wasn’t thinking and I honestly should have realized that perhaps it was not the sort of thing you would want to do.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I saw the look on your face when Varric declared he’d never slept with a man. Everyone else was distracted by Hawke not drinking, but I saw. I know we aren’t exactly close friends but I like you, and I don’t want you to think I am the sort of person who would bring up the past to spite you.”

Fenris still didn’t speak and Isabela found herself continuing on to fill the silence.

“Anything that you did or were forced to do is not something you should ever feel ashamed about. You were a slave and your choices were not your own, but now they are and I hope you make the most of them. Fenris for Makers sake say something please.”

“If I had wanted to lie I could have Isabela, no one would have questioned me. To be honest it felt liberating. To face what had happened to me and to reveal it in front of friends made it better. In fact I already had this conversation with Hawke last night. You weren’t the only one who was paying attention.”

“You and Hawke talked about this already?”

“Yes, she gave almost the same speech, about not being ashamed and to embrace my freedoms. I appreciate the thought Isabela but I am not upset about last night.”

“What about Hawke?”

“I cannot say. Do you think she is upset with you?”

“If she is she won’t hide it. I’m on my way to see her next. Are you coming to the gallows with us?”

“No, I find the scenery there unsettling. The statues are all Tevinter made.”

“Well then, I had planned to see if there was anything I could help you with as an apology, but you aren’t upset with me so there goes that.”

“If you can find a way to get the seneschals tax collector to stop coming around I would appreciate that.”

“Ill see what I can do. Bye Fenris.”

Isabela approached Hawke's estate with apprehension. She didn’t know why she thought Hawke would be upset with her. It was something about the look on her face when everyone looked at her not drinking. The blush that crept across her face and the way she ran from the room. Isabela would have given anything to forget that memory. She took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Bodahn answered and directed her to the main room; Hawke was coming down the stairs as she came in.

“Isabela I was just on my way to come meet up with you, is something wrong?”

“I was hoping we could talk just the two of us.”

Hawke motioned for her to follow into the library; she directed her to the love seat and sat down with her.

“Hawke I’m sorry about last night. I had no idea that the game would go that way and I feel terrible that you got put on the spot like that.”

“Isabela it was a drinking game that you started, I knew there was a strong possibility it would start to get naughty so to speak. I’m a little embarrassed that everyone knows I’m a virgin now, but I don’t blame you for that. Why would you think I was upset with you?”

“Honestly I don’t know. The look on your face and Ferris’s when that whole bit came out; it just didn’t sit right with me.” 

“Really its fine, you don’t need to be sorry. I’m sure you’ve realized that Fenris and I are well, seeing where things go. We’ve avoided talking about things like that and last night, it gave us the opening to start. So in a way you did a good thing, in your own way as usual.”

“That’s me I'm a helper.”

“So do you feel better now?”  
“Yes, let’s get a move on before I start doing more ‘helpful’ things.”

***

As the ferry carried them across the harbor Isabela began to understand why Fenris wanted to avoid going there. The statues depicting slaves in torment made her skin crawl, and the tranquil selling their wares were unsettling. She didn’t know how Hawke could stand to even be there, so close to what would become her prison were she ever caught. She had already respected Hawke but now she held her in even higher regard. They crossed the courtyard and Hawke approached a templar who was obviously getting on in years.

“Emeric, still chasing ghosts?”

“Serah Hawke, I thought you of all people would appreciate the lengths I have gone to in order to solve these disappearances. You were the one who found the remains.”

“Yes well, I was a little too busy nearly being killed by shades to worry myself about the pieces of people who were already gone.”

“I assure you I am not chasing after nothing. I have a suspect, Gascard DePuis.”

“DePuis, that’s a name anyone would be happy to be rid of I’m sure.”

“Its Orlesian, he is probably descended from nobility. When I became convinced of his guilt I went to the city guard and demanded they do something. The guards raided his mansion and found nothing. They were forced to apologize and I was reprimanded.”

“I can’t imagine why.”

“I know you are upset and possibly worried because of what happened before, but obviously someone did not want you seeing anything else. Isn’t the attack on you enough to prove that something sinister is occurring? Meredith has forbidden me from doing anything further, but I have not been forbidden from asking others to help. The templar order believes this a job for the guard, and the guard believes that all the murders are isolated incidents despite evidence to the contrary. Women are dying out there and no one is doing anything.”

“What have you learned about this man that makes you suspect him?”

“He’s a recluse, rarely seen outside of his Hightown estate, he knew two of the murdered women, and has made inquiries about the others. That cannot be coincidence.”

“Emeric, no one else believes you, tell me why I should.”

“You found the sack of bones, you found Ninnetes hand. You can’t tell me there’s nothing to this. What if one of the women who died was someone you loved?”

Hawke thought of Bethany, if it had been her sister who had gone missing she would have done all she could to find the person behind it.

“Very well, I will help you. But if I turn up with nothing just like the guards then you have to promise me you will let this go.”

“I will accept that, you will need to go to DePuis’ estate after nightfall. If he is innocent, find evidence to prove me wrong.”

Hawke and Isabela made their way over to the stalls where mages were plying their wares. Hawke approached one and when he turned around Isabela noticed a lack of sunburst on his forehead indicating he had undergone the rite.

“Sol, how’s business?”

“Hawke business is booming, I couldn’t have gotten the place up and running without your help. You wouldn’t happen to be hitting the coast anytime soon would you?”

“Even if I wasn’t you know id do it for you. You’re the only one around here who actually gives the discounts he promises. You know I own half a share in the Bone Pit and Hubert won’t even give me a discount at his stall in Hightown.”

“Well there are those of us who remember who helped and remember to help in return. I have a few things here I haven’t been able to acquire and as you know I’m not allowed to leave the Gallows to find them.”

“I'll see about hitting the coast tomorrow to find this Harlot flower. I’d love a chance to go for a swim, so now I have an excuse.”

Hawke and Isabela boarded the ferry back to the docks and they watched the gulls fly overhead, sounding their cries. 

“How do you do it? How do you go there knowing you’re steps away from your own prison?”

“Its like Fenris says, eventually you have to face the tiger. I haven’t been there since Carver left though. I hoped we would see him, I knew I shouldn’t have.”

When Isabela got back home she made a decision. She knew how to make both Fenris and Hawke happy and make up for her own imagined slight. She paid a little visit to the seneschal’s tax collector and after a few drinks and some fun he told her there would be no trouble with the mansion in Hightown. 

The next day she was back at the Gallows and sweet talking the recruits in the courtyard until the one she was looking for showed up.

“Carver dear, oh it has been too long. Come here you sweet thing.”

Carver came in for a hug and was thrown for a loop when Isabela decked him in the jaw. 

“Listen here you ass, write you sister a damn letter and tell her you miss her, that you aren’t mad at her, and that you love her. If she doesn’t get a letter from you within the week I will be back here and my next hit will be much lower!” Isabela left carver standing there in stunned silence as she sauntered away.

***

Dear sister,

How are you? I hope you are doing well. Mother says the estate is back to its former glory, I know you are responsible for that.   
Things are good here. I've found my place among the templars. It’s nice to have a purpose, to be part of something bigger than myself.  
It’s not a perfect job though. I don’t really like what we do to mages, but we don’t have a choice really. It keeps everyone safe, and it’s better than the alternative. Though I understand why father left. Many of the mages here understand that we are trying to help, even if our methods could use some improvement.  
There are extreme elements in the order that I do not agree with. Some argue for a permanent solution and I truly hope those ideas never take root. Makes me glad you and Bethany never had to live in a place like this.  
Ill wrap this up, duty calls. I love you, even if I forget to show it.  
Your brother, Carver

P.S. Please tell Isabela you received this, I don’t need to be punched in front of my brothers again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I always thought Isabela had a soft side to her. She would have seen the embarassment Hawke and Fenris went through and would have blamed herself for it. Even though in the end she brought them closer.


	28. A Bitter Pill

Hawke awoke to sunlight streaming through her windows and birds chirping. She smiled thinking of the crash of waves and the feeling of the ocean on her skin. Today was going to be a glorious day.

She found her mother in the kitchen busying herself with making breakfast. Leandra prefered to continue making breakfast every morning despite Bodahns insistence that he was more than happy to take care of it. 

"Bodahn I have made breakfast on my own for many years and I enjoy it too much to give it up."

"She also knows that Fenris, Anders, and Varric are coming over and she can't resist feeding them."

"Anders needs feeding and Fenris loves my cooking. Varric I'm sure takes care of himself just fine but I doubt he's eating anything of substance in that bar."

"Don't let Varric hear you call his precious home a bar, it's a tavern."

Leandra laughed and continued with her cooking. She knew what dishes all of Hawkes friends enjoyed. Orlesian toast for Fenris with a side of eggs peppered with the the spices he loved so much. Oat cakes with berries for Anders. Fried eggs and ham with brown bread for Varric. 

"I see you've gone all out. What's there for me?"

"Poached eggs with ham and lemon butter sauce."

"It's like you've known me all my life."

Hawke heard the front bell and dashed off to answer it. She enjoyed seeing the look of exasperation on Bodahns face when she got to the door before him.

"Messere, you keep doing my job for me."

"When I know it's my friends I can answer it myself." She opened the door and found Anders and Fenris arguing.

"If you are going to spend the entire day going on about the plight of the mages I will be forced to hurt you."

"Typical of you to respond with violence. I don't know what Hakwe sees in you."

"Gentlemen, is that any way to be presenting yourselves at a ladies doorstep." Varric waltzed past them and greeted Hawke. Anders and Fenris both blushed and looked down at their feet.

"Now boys, you both told me that you could learn to get along. Anders, there is a time and place to discuss your views. Fenris same goes to you. You both will just have to agree to disagree."

Fenris nodded and Anders muttered an agreement. Both their moods improved as soon as they entered the dining room.

"My lady Hawke, you are a treasure. I can tell why Malcolm married you. I'm tempted to myself just for your cooking."

"Varric you are a shameless flatterer."

"There's no shame in appreciating a woman and all her virtues."

Bodahn prepared them a basket lunch and once their bellies were full they set off to the coast. Hawke had a bounce in her step and talked on about how much she was looking forward to a swim. 

"I should ask Sol what sort of supplies he needs more often. I love and excuse to get out and breathe in the fresh air. I swear Hightown feels stuffy with all the snobbery that's about. My mother's old friend the Reinhardts came by for tea the other day, the way they went on about me not having the proper grooming for a noble lady, I nearly set the woman's wig on fire."

"I imagine she probably deserved it."  
Fenris said with a chuckle. 

They had just began to walk down the path towards the shore when a group of men appeared at the top of the cliffs.

"You are in possession of stolen property. Back away from the slave and you will not be harmed."

Hawke looked up at the men standing above them. 

"Fenris is a free man! Leave now and you will live another day."

"I repeat back away from the slave now!"

"I am not your slave!" Fenris screamed as his markings came to life. He dodged an arrow that came flying towards him and phased into a ghost like form. He charged towards the would be captors and swung his sword wildly. 

Anders threw fireballs into the fray as Hawke launched force waves taking them down as they caught flame. Varric picked off the stragglers who managed to avoid the fire. Fenris turned and saw archers on the cliffs behind them their arrows aimed towards Hakwe and Anders.

"Hawke!" He cried out in warning but it was too late, their arrows flew down towards them. He was too far to get to her to block them. But before the arrow could strike her stones erupted around her body encasing her and deflecting every arrow. She turned and called down a storm of lightning and used her magic to pull the archers down from the cliffs to the ground below. 

He saw a mage struggling to crawl away from them and he grabbed the man by the back of the head and slammed his face into the ground.

"Where is he?"

"I don't know, oh please I don't know."

"Tell me!"

"Hadriana brought us here. She's waiting in the holding caves up north. I can show you the way if you let me go."

"No need, I know where they are."

"Please let me go, I beg you."

"You chose the wrong master." Fenris snapped the man's neck and stood up his eyes full of anger.

"Hadriana."

"Someone you know then?"

"Danarius's apprentice. She's a scheming social climber who'd sacrifice her own children to please him. She's come to take me back to him. I need to find her and face her."

"Where is she? I've never heard of these holding caves."

"They're up along the coast. They were used to hold slaves when this area was controlled by Tevinter."

"Then let's go, before she gets away."

As they walked north Hakwe looked back sadly at the overturned basket that had been trampled into the ground. Yet another thing to add to the list of reasons why she would destroy Denarius. 

"Hawke what was that back there? One minute arrows are coming down. Next you're covered in rocks." Varric couldn't contain his excitement. He couldn't wait to write about this one.

"It's a spell I've been working on. It's a dormant one. I've been teaching myself to reserve my mana so that it will manifest when I am in danger."

"I didn't know you were focusing on the primal school. You always seemed to favor elemental and force."

"It never hurts to expand your talents."

Fenris walked ahead of them not speaking. All the talk of spell craft was grating on him. Did they not realize they were about to face down the very magic that he hated with fervor. Hadriana, her name left a bitter taste in his mouth. 

They entered the holding caves and were met with a sight that turned Hawkes stomach. An elven man laid out on a table bled dry. His eyes still wide with pain and terror in them.

"There you see the legacy of the magisters."

"Let's keep going."

They fought several hunters as the went deeper into the caves. They heard a young girl screaming and dispatched the men who had been holding her.

"Are you all right? Did they hurt you?" Fenris asked the little elven girl.

"They've been killing everyone. They cut papa and bled him. The master said she needed more power that someone was coming to kill her."

"This must have been terrible for you." Hakwe kneeled down and held out a hand to the girl, she flinched away in fear. 

"I don't understand why this happened. We were good. We always did what we were told. Everything was fine until today."

"No it wasn't. You just didn't know any better." Fenris said sadly.

"Are you my master now?"

"What, no." Fenris was taken aback. He had forgotten the way a slaves mind went. He killed the men holding her hostage and was obviously there to dispatch of her master. This would make her his property by rights. 

"But I can cook and clean."

"If you go to Kirkwall I can help you. Find the Hawke estate in Hightown and tell Bodahn the lady of the house sent you."

"Oh yes, thank you mistress." The little girl went running off out of the caves. Hawke realized too late she never even asked the girls name. 

"I didn't realize you were in the market for a slave!" Fenris said accusingly. Hawke was shocked at the sudden anger from Fenris. How could he think she would do such a thing? There was something more that he wasn't sharing about why they were doing this and it was obviously grating on him.

"I just gave her a job Fenris. A job and a roof. How could you think I would do anything else?"

"Right, we should move on."

"Lead on then."

Hawke could feel the blood magic pulsing as they rounded a corner and came face to face with a magister. 

"You've made a big mistake coming here dog!"

"Not as much as you have witch!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always imagined that part of the torment Hadriana dished out on Fenris included referring to him as a dog. His name means little wolf and I can just see her taunting him and calling him dog and forcing him to eat off the floor.


	29. A Sour Victory

Hawke wasted no time and cast a protective aura around herself and the others. Her mana was running low but she held it none the less. She could feel the pull of Hadriana's blood magic as it swirled around her, flowing into every crevice as it searched for a vessel to drain. Varric was behind her loosing bolt after bolt into the slavers who dared come close. Anders stood to her side unleashing a cold wind to keep their attackers at bay. She lost track of Fenris as he ghosted about the room, his lyrium markings allowing him to phase in and out as he danced around Hadriana, unleashing attacks as he tried to break the magic barrier she erected around herself.  
The last slaver fell and without hesitation Hadriana pulled out a dagger and slit her wrists. The ground erupted as shade after shade was summoned. Hawke felt a moment of panic remembering her near death years ago. Her shields dropped as she felt her mana go dry. Anders appeared by her side his eyes glowing blue with the fury of Justice. He handed her a lyrium potion and she felt the effects of his healing magic give her a second wind. 

She readied herself to continue attacking when she heard Varric shout. She turned and saw the shade bearing down on her. A moment of fear left her paralyzed and she raised her staff too late and as she readied herself for the strike a glowing blue hand burst through the beast and it exploded. Fenris stood where it had been covered in blood. Hawke saw behind him Hadriana readying a final strike and she tapped into her full power and let loose a bolt of lightning straight at the magisters chest. The bolt hit true and the shockwave caused her staff to fly out of her hands, she collapsed to the ground breathing heavy. She reached out to her staff and watched as it was kicked away by Fenris as he closed in on her.

"Stop! You do not want me dead!"

"There is only one person I want dead more."

"I have information elf, I will trade it in exchange for my life."

"Ha! The location of Danarius? I'd rather he lose his pet pupil."

"You have a sister. She is alive. I will tell you where she is if you let me go."

Fenris lowered his sword in shock. He had a family if Hadriana was telling the truth. He wad torn between wanting her dead and wanting to know more about this sister. He turned to Hawke with a desperate look in his eyes. 

"How do we know you're telling the truth?" Hawke asked. Giving Fenris a moment to collect his thoughts.

Hadriana laughed, it was a bitter sound full of malice.  
"You don't. But I know Fenris. I know how much he wants this and if he wants me to betray Danarius he's going to have to pay for it."

"This is your call Fenris. I can't make this decision for you."

Fenris bent down to Hadriana and looked her in the eyes. Seeing the fear that lingered there was thrilling for him. The power he felt was liberating. 

"I have your word then? I tell you and you'll let me live?"

"Yes, you have my word." His voice sounded dead and emotionless and it made Hawke shiver.

"Her name is Varania. She's in Qarinus serving a magister by the name of Erimond."

"A servant? Not a slave?"

"She's not a slave."

"I believe you." Hawke watched as Fenris's marking came to life and saw the realization in Hadriana's eyes that she was going to die. Fenris pierced her heart with his fist and she made a choking sound as she gagged on her own blood. She collapsed on the floor, the same look of fear in her eyes as her elven sacrifice.

Fenris walked away from the body his shoulders hunched over.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Hawke asked hesitantly.

"No I don't want to talk about it! This could be a trap. Danarius could have sent her here to tell me about this 'sister'. Even if he didn't trying to find her would be suicide. If Hadriana knows she exists than so does Danarius. All that matters is that I finally got to crush that bitches heart. May she rot and all the other mages with her."

"Fenris, have you forgotten who you are talking to?"

"No I haven't forgotten. You saw what was done here there's always going to be an excuse, some reason for mages to use any means to achieve their goals."

"And here I thought you were unreasonable." Anders quipped.

"Now is not the time Blondie." Varric interrupted. 

"You know damn well not all mages are like the magisters!" Hawke didn't mean to yell at him, but she thought they had gotten past his bigotry. That she had shown him that mages could be good people. 

"It doesn't matter. Even if I found my sister who knows what the magisters have done to her. What has magic touched that it doesn't spoil."

"You."

Fenris's eyes dropped to the floor. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed.

"I...need to go."

He walked out of the caves and Hawke began to think that whatever they had between them might very well be over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure many of you have seen memes and other posts that have Hawke respond to Fenris's comments about magic spoiling things. I couldn't resist throwing it in there. Always thought there should have been an option to respond to that. Special thanks to Felassan for cheering me on.


	30. A Sweet Release

He was gone. They left the holding caves and he was nowhere to be found. Hawke felt as though a rock had dropped into her gut. He could not have gotten far they were right behind him. He might have taken off running in any direction. She knew if he did not want to be found there was no chance for it. He knew how to hide.

"He'll be ok Hawke. Just needs a chance to think about what he's found out I'm sure. It's a shock for him is all." Varric said trying to reassure his friend, he could see the panic in her eyes. 

"He just looked so lost. I hate to think of what he might do."

"If he wasn't always so quick to blame mages and magic for everything I might actually feel sorry for him. But he's so full of hate Hawke. How can you stand to have him speak to you like that." Anders was getting tired of the same anti mage speeches over and over again. As if it was their fault they were born as they were.

"You know Blondie you are no better with your anti templar rants. You are just as bigoted as he is. You just take what he says more personally because you didn't choose to be a mage."

"Exactly, I didn't ask to be this. Templars join willingly and allow themselves to become mage haters just as Fenris is."

"Are you saying my brother is a mage hater Anders? Are you suggesting my own brother hates me?"

"No, oh no Hawke I would never suggest, Carver is different we all know that."

"Yes well Fenris is learning that some mages are different than others. He, like you, didn't choose to have the life he was given. So perhaps you might want to keep your thoughts to yourself on this one. You don't know enough about him to make judgements."

"He's letting one bad experience define his entire life."

"His entire life was a bad experience Anders! How can you stand there and even think to know what he has been through. Do you ever think of anyone but yourself?"

"In what was is my seeking to free our fellow brothers and sisters in any way me thinking only of myself."

"You know what Anders. Maybe you should run off to Tevinter then. You seem to think they have it all figured out. In fact here this can get you started. I was going to try and sell it but I think it's better off going to you." Hawke hurled an amulet at his chest and stormed off.

Anders felt Hawkes words like they were a punch to his gut. She actually wanted to be with that animal. He had looked her in the eyes and claimed magic spoiled everything. Yet there she was defending him. She defended Fenris yet went after him simply because her brother went off to join the very people their family had avoided for years. He picked up the amulet she had thrown at him and saw that it came from the Tevinter Chantry. 

*So you have finally seen what you tried so hard to pretend didn't exist.*  
"Stop that Justice just stop."  
*She has never wanted you. She never will. Perhaps now you will turn your focus back to our plans. I will not stand by as you throw away everything on a hopeless fancy.*

Anders stared wistfully at Hawke as he followed her back to Kirkwall. Varric kept trying to cheer her up telling her Fenris would turn up.

"He'll be back Hawke, Broody would never leave you."

"I'm not so sure anymore Varric."

***  
He had run all the way back to Kirkwall. He ran until until he reached the mansion and once he got there he went straight to the wine cellar and grabbed the first bottle he saw. Pulling the cork he went to drink when he suddenly stopped. Why?  
He didn't need to do this. He didn't need to drink himself into a stupor whenever a remnant of his past came to light. It had been three years with nothing, how could he have expected Denarius to stop. Hawke, he had left her again. He left her on the coast with only Varric and the abomination. He hurled the bottle against the wall and dropped to his knees holding his head in his hands. 

"You bloody fool. She has done everything for you, and what have you done for her. Spit angry vitriol at her, making her take the brunt of all your anger. She is not like the others. She has proven to you time and again that she is a mage to be trusted. Go to her you coward."

His thoughts went wild as he imagined her searching for him. Wandering the coast trying to figure out where he had gone. No, Varric would be sensible enough to make her return. The dwarf was wiser than he let on. He would go to her estate. She'd come home and he would be waiting.   
***

He thanked the Maker that her mother was not home. She had seen them leave together that morning and he did not want to explain why he had abandoned her daughter.   
He waited in the foyer taking a seat on the bench. Tiny came to rest his head in his lap. Fenris scratched him behind the ears.

"If you knew what words I had thrown at your mistress I don't think you would be so eager for my company."

Tiny tilted his head and gave Fenris a questioning stare. It seemed as though the dog was mulling over a decision, he reached it though and rested his head back in Fenris's lap. A sad sigh escaped them both.

He had waited for what felt like hours when Tiny's ears perked up and he let out a happy bark. Hawke came through the door and bent down to say hello. She looked up and saw Fenris standing there looking like a lost child. 

"Fenris?"

"I've been thinking about what happened with Hadriana. I took out my anger on you, undeservedly so. I was...not myself." As he said these words he stared at the ground afraid to see the anger or hurt in her eyes.

"I didn't know where you had gone. I was worried."

"I needed to be alone. When I was still a slave Hadriana was a torment. She would ridicule me, deny my meals, hound my sleep. Because of who she was I was powerless to stop her and she knew it. The thought of her slipping out of my grasp now....I couldn't let her go. I wanted to, oh how I wanted to. But I couldn't."

"You actually wanted to let her go? After all that?"

"It's the hate inside me Hawke. I thought it was gone, that I had moved on from it. But it's there, it has never left. To feel it again, and know they are the reasons for it, it was too much for me. Whats worse is that I directed it at you."

"You don't need to explain hatred to me Fenris. I understand."

"I didn't come to burden you with my troubles Hawke. Only to apologize for taking it out on you."

He turned to walk away. Not again she thought to herself, she couldn't let him run away and be alone with his pain. She reached out and grabbed his shoulder.

"You don't need to leave, Fenris."

His markings lit up and he whirled around shoving her against the wall. His eyes full of rage one moment and then suddenly sad, scared of what he had just done. Without thinking Hawke leaned forward grabbed his face and kissed him. 

The world stopped. It had to have stopped. There was no way it could have continued in that moment. All that existed was the two of them. Kiss me back was all she could think, don't let me be the only one who feels this way. His lips responded and he pulled her into his arms. His hands grasping the sides of her face as his teeth gently nipped at her lips. She moaned against him and he pushed her against the wall again. His hands roamed down to grab her ass when there was a sound behind them.

"Ahem."

Leandra Hawke stood in the doorway with an amused smile on her face. Fenris pulled away from Hawke and a blush immediately crept across his face all the way to the tips of his ears. 

"Sorry to interrupt truly. But you are blocking the way in to the rest of the house."

They moved aside and Leandra walked past with a knowing smile on her face. Hawke and Fenris looked at one another and burst out laughing. 

"I can only wonder how far that would have gone had she not come home." Hawke said leaning back against the wall to support herself, she did not trust her legs to hold up after all that.

"Indeed, though this is not how I imagined we would end this conversation."

"You know I care for you. We said we would see where things took us. I wanted you to know that it hasn't changed."

"You are a beautiful woman Hawke, it is hard not have feelings for you. I just am not sure how to go about expressing them."

"Well..."

"MARIAN AMELIA HAWKE!"

Leandra's voice rang through the estate. Hawke let out a groan at hearing her full name. 

"Your dog got into the pantry....again!"

"Marian Amelia?" Fenris said with a teasing smile.

"Please don't ever mention this to anyone. Especially Varric, I will buy you so many bottles of wine if you never mention this to Varric."

"I have to know why you dislike your name so much."

"I prefer it to stay in the family. Hawke works for me you know. It's my moniker."

"Strange for a newly risen noblewoman to be known only by her surname."

"Well I am Kirkwall's most infamous noblewoman, and you don't stay infamous when you're called Marian Amelia."

He chuckled at that and taking her hand he laid a gentle kiss across her knuckles. He pulled her towards him and kissed her on the lips, parting them gently with his tongue. 

"Until tomorrow."

"Yes." She whispered breathlessly. 

Returning to the mansion he skipped the wine cellar and went straight upstairs instead and went to bed. He ran his fingers over his lips trying to reclaim the memory of hers. After all he had said she still wished to be with him. As he slept he dreamt of a woman with black hair cradling him and singing a Tevinter lullaby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been wanting to publish this chapter since I wrote it 2 months ago. Back when I started this all my mind could focus on was that kiss in that moment. Very little about that chapter has changed since I wrote it I'm happy to say. I hope you enjoyed it as much I as I did.


	31. Oh Captain my Captain

"So do I need to give you the talk? Or is too late for that?" Leandra asked her the next morning over breakfast. Hawke choked on her toast and gave her mother a sheepish look.

"I'm not sure I know what you are talking about."

"I've seen the way you and Fenris look at each other darling. Not to mention the kiss I walked in on last night."

"You know part of me was hoping I'd imagined that. We haven't done what you are thinking. It's more that we are exploring our feelings. Until last night we'd barely held hands."

"Marian I want you to be happy. If an elven slave is what it takes to see you finally give love a chance, well then I'm glad for it."

"He's not a slave mother. Not anymore."

"Of course dear. Forgive me that was inappropriate of me. Fenris is more than what his past has made of him. He's far different from the shy boy you first brought over for breakfast. I remember when he could barely look me in the eyes when he spoke. You have changed him as much as he has changed you. Just be careful, love can do strange things to you."

"How did you know that father was the one?"

"His smile. When he smiled his entire face lit up. You share that with him."

"I miss him. I miss Bethany. I miss Carver too."

"Bethany and your father have eachother now. Carver will find himself and when he does he will come around. Family always sticks together."

"Speaking of family how's Gamlen?"

"Happy to have his hovel to himself again. I'll be going to visit him this afternoon."

"I'll walk down with you. Varric needs me to approve some sales he's made. Some of the artifacts we found were nearly priceless. He's going to help us invest the money, and I'd like to share some of the profits with Fenris and Merrill."  
***  
"Hawke are you all right?" Varric was fanning her face as she slowly came to.

"I think I might pass out. Can you read that number back to me slowly."

"Just read it for yourself."

"I've never seen that much money in my life Varric. How did this happen?"

"I told you those artifacts predated Orzamar. The shaperate and King Harrowmont paid handsomely."

"What about Fenris and Merrill's share? I know we went in as partners but they deserve a portion."

"I've already taken care of it. Merrill asked me to manage her funds. I make sure her rent is paid and she gets a weekly food delivery now. She said money would make her forget herself and her goals. So when she wants something she tells me and I get it for her."

"And Fenris?"

"He hasn't come to see me yet. How did everything go last night?"

"He was waiting for me at the estate when I returned. You were right. He apologized for the things he said to me and then we kissed."

"Makers breath Hawke it's about time!"

"What?"

"I have been waiting for you two to finally get it over with since the Deep Roads. It was getting rather ridiculous seeing the looks you two kept giving eachother."

"It's not the first time we ever kissed Varric."

"I know but the last one was months ago."

"How do you even know these things?"

"That is a secret I will never share. I know everyone worth knowing and that gets me information. Are you two together then? Blondie isn't going to like that."

"I don't give a fig about how Anders feels about it. He has it in his head that we are supposed to be together. But his only reason seems to be because we're both apostates. Whatever feelings he has for me are ones he created on his own."

"Even still you might want to actually try talking to him. He's our friend Hawke. Let him down gently, at least gently enough to avoid him going glowy."

"I will go see him tomorrow. I refuse to deliver bad news on Wicked Grace night. It's bad form."

"Too right. So how about we have some drinks while we wait for the rest of them?"

"First rounds on me Varric."  
***

"Varric have you come up with a nickname for Aveline yet?" Hawke asked as she swirled her glass. Corff had shipped in cider and mead from Ferelden and she was two cups in. A warm fuzzy feeling seeping into her toes.

"I have a few, several which may get a fist to my face, and one that may get me killed." 

"What's Varric done now?" Merrill had arrived early for once and took advantage of the empty table and sat next to Varric.

"Came up with a few nicknames for Aveline."

"Oh, why would she hurt him over that? She was cross at not having one."

"Well Daisy our guard friend tends to not see my humor or appreciate it all that much. I don't know how she will react to some of them. I may just try a few out tonight and see how hard she pulls her punches." 

"Are we taunting lady man hands tonight?" Isabela sauntered in with a mug in hand and a sway to her step that said it wasn't her first. She made her way over to Merrill and gave her shoulders a squeeze.

"Hello kitten, I missed you this morning." She planted a kiss on top of the elfs head and settled in. Merrill smiled and entwined her fingers with Isabela's. Hawke raised an eyebrow at the two of them. It seemed she and Fenris weren't the only ones getting closer. Isabela saw her watching and gave a wink.

"When you sleep past noon I'm sure you miss a lot of things." Fenris quipped in his gravely voice. Hawke looked up at him with a shy smile. Their eyes met and he gave a small smile of his own sitting down next to her. He reached out and took her hand.

"I had stopped by your place before coming, I thought perhaps we would walk down together. Bodahn said you had already left." 

It was Isabela's turn to raise an eyebrow. She turned to Varric shook her head and tossed a sovereign to him. Damn dwarf was right.

"Varric and I needed to discuss my accounts. It seems I am now a very rich woman. I could buy a house in Ferelden and vacation there. Heck I'd even bring Carver if he would deign to send me more than just one letter."

"He'll come around Hawke. Junior just needs to get his head together and figure out who he is besides your younger brother." 

"Carver loves you Hawke. Families always fight, even in my clan there were squabbles between siblings. Kepper once had to use binding magic to separate two brothers until their parents could talk some sense into them." Merrill reached a hand across the table and stroked Hawkes arm.

"I'm not the last am I?" Anders came rushing in, his hair in disarray. He deliberately avoided looking at Hawke and Fenris. 

"I had to deal with three broken bones and a woman who kept insisting her husband had Blight sickness when it turns out it was just food poisoning. She tried to offer me stew as payment and didn't understand why I declined." 

"If Aveline doesn't show in the next ten minutes then you are designated drink wench." Isabela waved her empty mug at him.

Anders sighed and saw that Hawke and Fenris were sitting together and holding hands. He had hoped that whatever was happening between them was over after the incident in the slavers caves. The beast had bared it's teeth and Hawke still insisted it was tame. He resigned himself to sit next to Isabela and hoped to lose enough hands to warrant leaving early.

"Oh shit I'm last aren't i?" Aveline finally arrived her usual guard captain uniform replaced with more casual attire for once.

"I finally decide to take Isabella's advice about my clothing choices and it makes me late." 

"That was your first mistake Gingy."   
Everyone turned to look at Varric. Hawke tried stifling a giggle with the back of her hand, Merrill looked like she was lost again, Isabella just stared with her mouth dropped open, Fenris simply shook his head while Anders readied himself to get out of the way once Aveline came swinging.

"I do believe I said any name having to do with my hair was common and beneath your level of creativity Varric. I'll give you a pass this time but you're helping me carry the drinks." 

"As you command my lady."   
Once Varric and Aveline were out of earshot the group burst into laughter. 

"Oh Maker I thought she was going to kill him." Anders cried wiping tears from his eyes.

"The night is still young Anders and Varric said he had a few he would try out tonight." 

After the drinks had been handed out and once again Isabella was denied being the dealer the night began. 

"Ok then Lady Steel, what have you got that you think will beat this hand." Fenris nearly spit out his ale and Hawke snorted into her cup.   
Aveline simply shook her head laid out out her cards and took the pot.

"Face it Varric. You will never find a good one. You don't even have one for me." Hawke said drunkenly. Fenris leaned over to her and said quietly.

"Is Hawke not a worthy enough name for Kirkwall's most infamous noblewoman." 

Hawke turned her head and smiled at Fenris. True to his word he had kept the secret of her full name between them. He smiled back and realizing Isabela was watching them coughed and leaned back into his chair.  
Anders gripped the table and did his best not to jump up and separate them. His neck felt hot and he knew that Justice was showing his disapproval. 

"Varric I do believe you owe the table a round after that shameful loss." Isabella waved her empty mug at the dwarf, resting her ample chest on the table.

"I accept my defeat graciously and yes another round. But you're not getting any Rivaini until you take those cards out of Daisy's belt." 

"Wait what did I miss when did I get cards?" Merrill jumped up pushing the table away from her, which resulted in Hawkes cup falling into her lap. 

"Andrastes ass why me?" Hawke stood up and looked for any sort of rag to wipe herself down. 

"Oh Hawke I am so sorry. Here let me wipe that for you." Merrill tried wiping up the mess from her lap and only succeeded in making a bigger stain.

"No Merrill really it's fine. Besides i wouldn't want Isabela getting any ideas seeing your hands that close to my crotch." 

"Too late, already thinking about it."

"Makers breath when aren't you thinking of sex?" Sighed Aveline as she snagged a rag from Norah. She tossed it took Hawke and signaled for another round. 

"I suppose it would be asking for too much to hope that you own maybe one pair of pants Isabella." Hawke asked.

"I don't have any pants, but I do still have one of your dresses I borrowed."

"When did you borrow one of my dresses, and which one, and how did you get it out of my house." 

"It's the blue one. You never wear them and truth be told I borrowed it through completely honest means. I stopped by your estate, told your mother I needed a dress for a night out with a gentleman and that's the one she gave me."

"You went out with a gentleman? You know a gentleman?" Anders said disbelievingly. 

"I know a lot of people Anders."

Hawke made her way to Isabella's room and found her dress. Thankfully it wasn't one of the formal ones her mother had insisted she own now that they were nobility. It was simple, hugged her curves in the right places and was just short enough to be only a little immodest. Normally she would have abhorred the thought of wearing it but anything was better than wet pants. She walked back into Varric's suite and after seeing the look on Fenris's face immediately forgave Merrill. His jaw dropped and he nearly spilled his own drink trying to fumble for it when it missed his lips.

Anders again found himself biting down and trying to hide his anger. She didn't even look at him when she walked in. Her eyes were only for the elf. Maker did she look beautiful though. He stared wistfully at his ale wishing it had the effect it was supposed to. Justice somehow always managed to keep him sober. 

After three more hands Merrill had fallen asleep on Isabella's shoulder. So the pirate picked up the dainty elf and carried her off to bed. Anders eventually grew tired of his sobriety and excused himself. Aveline had turned down every one of Varric's name suggestions, and even went so far as to threaten to remove his chest hairs one at a time if he ever called her El Capitan again.

She, Hawke and Fenris left to make the trek up to Hightown together. Halfway there Aveline was approached by one of her guardsmen. There was a brawl going on in the Blooming Rose. Aveline bid farewell to Hawke and Fenris after insisting she didn't need their help with this one.

Fenris felt a small bit of sadness when they reached the door to Hawkes estate. Saying goodbye to her even for a night was becoming harder and harder. It didn't help that she looked absolutely breathtaking in a dress. 

"Well that was quite the entertaining evening. I think from now on I might keep a closer eye on Merrill when I have a full glass nearby though." 

"Indeed, however will say I am pleased at the result." 

"Fenris, if I didn't know any better I would think you are flirting with me."

"Perhaps you know less than you think." 

Hawke reached out her hand and placed it on his. She turned it over and ran her fingers gently over his palm. He lifted her knuckles to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss to them. Leaning forward he placed another on her forehead and trialed more down the side of her face until he reached her lips. He sighed as they came together. She tasted like mead and smelled like flowers.

"Good night Hawke." 

"Good night Fenris."

"Will you come to the mansion tomorrow evening?"

"Of course. Is everything all right?"

"Yes, there is just something I wish to share with you. Will you come?"

"I would never turn down an offer to spend time with you."  
***

The next morning Aveline woke up to find a bouquet of red tulips had been delivered to her office. She read the card and laughed quietly to herself.

"Perhaps there is no nickname worthy of a woman whose presence demands full respect. Til next time, Varric."

"A secret admirer captian?" Guardsman Donnic asked peeking into her office. 

"No just a very dear friend."

"Oh good....well I mean, friends, yes friends are good."

As he walked away Aveline felt a flutter in her stomach. It was a feeling she had not had since....

"Oh my." She said out loud when she realized the last time she had felt that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aveline needs no nickname she is a force all on her own. And yes i will be putting her and Donnic together. Can't let my guard captian spend her life alone. Thanks for all the comments and kudos. You all make me love doing this even more.


	32. Question Everything

Hawke found Anders pacing about his clinic. He would pick things up and move them, then pick the same thing back up and put it where it had been originally. He kept muttering to himself and she was tempted to just leave him to his thoughts. But she knew if she kept putting off talking to him things would only get worse. 

"Anders?"

"Hawke, hello. I wasn't expecting anyone. Did you need something."

"Thought I'd come by and see if you needed help with anything, and to talk."

"Talk?"

"I don't know how to say this, or how to start."

"This is about the elf isn't it."

"You know we actually associate with two elves."

"Yes a blood mage and a mage hater. I'm speaking of the mage hater."

"You're not helping things by being nasty. This is hard enough for me."

"Hard for you? You're not the one who has to watch the person they love throw themselves at the worst possible person for them."

"You don't love me Anders. At least not in the way you think that you do. I represent an ideal you are after and that has skewed your view of me."

"I know how I feel Hawke. How can you be with him? He hates mages, would see them all dead because of one bad one."

"One? Just one bad mage? Do you even hear yourself talking?"

"Hawke, he is a beast. A beast that will bare it's teeth someday and it will bite you."

Hakwe slapped him then. She didn't know what came over her. She used to consider Anders a friend. They didn't always agree and she found herself arguing with him more often than not. 

"If you ever wish to see me again, or even have a friendship with me, you will never speak of Fenris that way again. You barely know him, and you don't have a right to judge him."

"I wonder if you would say the same to him if he were to speak ill of me."

"You know what Anders, I would. Strangely enough though I've never had to worry about that. He has the decency to leave well enough alone and not insult someone who isn't there to defend themselves."

"You should go."

"I came here hoping we woukd still be friends when I left. I realized now I shouldn't have bothered."

Anders eyes lit up blue and she felt a wave of panic seeing Justice take over. 

"Anders has no need of you. You have been nothing but a hinderance to our goals! Leave now!"

Hawke ran and didn't stop running until she reached the steps to Hightown. She sat down and took deep breaths trying to steady her heartbeat. She was scared of very few things; spiders, drowning, and possession. What Anders had allowed himself to become was a constant warning of what could go wrong. She continued their friendship because she thought she could help him overcome the power of the spirit inside him. What if she was too late?  
***

Aveline paced about her office. She was at a loss and it was a feeling she despised. She had never been unable to speak her mind. She didn't believe in holding back when honesty was best. Why was she lying to herself now.

"You're allowed to move on. Wesley would understand. He would be telling you to get up and go out there and tell the man you're interested in him."

Her tongue felt dry inside her mouth and she felt sick to her stomach. There had to be another way to go about this. She summoned her assistant and gave him an errands list.

"Copper foil m'am?

"Yes, and you can find the chasing and repousing tools at the trinket shop in Lowtown."

She would do this her way and hopefully it would work.  
***  
It got easier each year to get through this day. Wine always helped. He prefered to spend this day alone, to drink until the pain went away. He didn't know what had caused him to ask Hawke to come, only that he felt a need to share this with her. A day of shame and relief all rolled into one horrid memory. He had already drank an entire bottle of wine before she arrived. When she walked through the door he was halfway through a second. A selection of bottles on the table in front of him

"The last of the aggregio, I've been saving it for a special occasion." He said handing her the bottle as he went to open another one. She took the bottle from him and sat across from him, taking a hearty swig.

"What occasion is that."

"The anniversary of my escape, care to hear the story?" He slurred out. Maker he was drunk already, he would need to slow down if he wanted any hope of being able to talk to her.

"I do enjoy listening to you talk. Even when you sound like a lush."

He chuckled and tried to compose himself. 

"There are few pleasures greater than speaking with a beautiful woman. Where to begin, ah yes, you've heard of Seheron? The Qunari and Tevinter have been fighting over it for years. Danarius and I were there when a battle broke out. I was able to get him to a ship but there was no room on board for a slave."

"He left you behind?"

"He didn't have much of a choice. The look on his face as the ship left, priceless truly priceless."

"What happened to you then?"

"I was wounded and passed out not far from where the ship left. I was found by Fog Warriors. They are the natives of the island, always fighting to reclaim their home from both Tevinter and the Qun. They nursed me back to health and took me in as one of their own."

"It must have been wonderful to be free."

"It felt like a dream and like any dream it ended. Danarius returned months later."

"I get the feeling this story doesn't have a happy ending."

"When he arrived they refused to give me up. Said I was one of them now and no longer his property. So he ordered me to kill them. And I did, I killed them all."

"Old habits die hard then?"

"When I looked at their bodies I knew I couldn't do it anymore. So I took out the soldiers he had brought with him and I ran, I ran and I have never looked back."

"This must be hard for you to talk about."

"I've never shared this with anyone. I never wanted to. I finally understand what it means to have a friend."

"Are we really just friends Fenris?"

"We are more than that yes. I have never been with anyone before, at least not in that way. Danarius used me for...."

"You don't have to say it, I understand."

"I've never kept anyone close, never wanted to. Who could I trust? But you Hawke, you are unlike anyone I have ever met."

"Are you telling me what I think you are?"

"If there was anyone before I have no memory and there has been no one since. The memory of the pain lingers for me in these markings. But somehow I feel that with you it would be different."

"I want to if you do."

"Another night yes. But not tonight. Tonight I wish to share wine with a beautiful woman as we raise a toast to the fallen."

The night continued and Fenris told her stories of his time with the fog warriors. How they taught him to speak Qun, and about the culture of the qunari themselves. He spoke of their battle tactics, the mystical fog that rolled in when they amassed in force for an attack. That above all else they valued life, freedom, and their home. 

They brought a bottle up to the roof and watched the sun rise together. His arm wrapped around her and her head on his shoulder. The first rays of light turning the sky pink. Fenris knew this would be the last time he would spend this day alone. Hawke would remember. She would be there again next year and would most likely bring the wine. He looked down and saw that she had fallen asleep. He let the bottle roll off the roof as he gently lifted her into his arms. 

He laid her down in his bed and curled up beside her. She rolled over and buried her face into his chest. He stroked her hair and let sleep take him. Feeling for once in his life that his past might finally stop haunting him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always get a little shiver when i do the questioning beliefs quest with fenris. His voice and the way his eyes look when he talks about never wanting someone until now.
> 
> So funny story, I know exactly how Aveline made the copper relief for Donnic. I took a class on it once, got to make a little copper rose. So when it came time to write this I knew exactly what tools she would have used. I'll even put a link if anyone is curious.  
> https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Repoussé_and_chasing
> 
> **also small side note. I might be a bit slow for the next few weeks with updates. I'm getting married on september 12th. As much as I enjoy writing there is so much that I need to take care of. Have no fear I'm not stopping. Just going a bit slower than usual.**


	33. The Long Road

"Mother I'm going up to visit Aveline. Anything you want me to take to her?"

"Yes, here I baked some fresh bread yesterday. Here's a loaf for Fenris as well. I know you'll be seeing him."

"What makes you say that?"

"So you mean to tell me you aren't stopping by his place first to invite him along? If you weren't well now you have a legitimate excuse to stop by."

Hakwe didn't give her mother the satisfaction of an answer. Just took both loaves and kissed her on the cheek. 

She didn't bother knocking on his door anymore. He had asked her to stop wearing bells when she came by though. Said there were times he could hear them when no one was there and it made him feel paranoid. Years of following her had allowed him to memorize her foot falls. He could always tell who was in his home based on the steps they took.

"Good morning Hawke. Whatever you have brought smells delicious."

"Bread from mother. Gave me an excuse to stop by."

"I didn't realize you needed one."

"That's what I told her but she still insists on feeding you. I'm pretty sure she sends Bodahn down to the alienage to deliver food to Merrill as well."

"Your mother is an exceptional woman, it's a shame her children don't take after her. Oof."

Hakwe gave him a friendly jab to the stomach. Followed by a kiss on the cheek.

"I'm going to visit Aveline. Care to join?"

"Gladly."  
***

"Hawke good you're here. Listen I have a favor to ask of you and I don't want you asking any questions."

"But?"

"It's a small matter Hawke. I need you to give something to guardsman Donnic. But he is not to know it's from me."

"Donnic? The one we pulled from an ambush?"

"Yes the event that put me here as captian. But this is a different sort of matter. And you're doing very badly at the 'no questions' part."

"It must be important if you're going through all this trouble."

"That's none of your business."

"That was abrupt even for you."

"You can accept it or not, that's all I'm going to say."

"Very well if it means that much to you."

"It does. I really appreciate this Hawke."

She and Fenris exchanged puzzled looks as she walked over to the guards mess hall.

"Guardsman Donnic."

"Serah Hawke. I hear you're in Hightown now, must be better compared to where you were."

"I see you recovered well from the ambush."

"I fared much better than they did thanks to you. Guard is a good job if you're careful, and the captain makes sure we are."

"This is for you, apparently it's very important."

"What's this then? It's a copper relief of, Marigolds? And it helpfully says so. 'Marigolds'. How crafty, is there a meaning to this I should know?"

"Just keep it, I'm sure there is."

"Indeed, well I'm sure we both have varying things of import to do Serah Hawke."

"I'm not seeing the sense to this are you?" Fenris asked as they walked back to Avelines office. Hawke responded with a shake of her head.

"Oh good you're back. Of course you are, you're efficient, always get things done. Good or ill. How did he react?" Aveline stood rigid as if afraid to move.

"As one might expect when confused."

"I thought it was clear. Metal is strong. Copper ages well. Flowers are soft."

"You made that?"

"That's besides the point Hakwe. I've clearly being going about this the wrong way. Don't talk to him again. Just take this, the patrols for next week. Post it to the roster and just listen."

"Really just walk over there and post the roster?"

"I want his honest reaction without the captain present."

"Why not just have him hauled off?"

"This isn't about an accusation I can put in a report and explain. I need someone unofficial."

"All right posting the roster, just over there."

"I need his reaction, that's key. Thank you."

"So much doubt, unusual for her wouldn't you say." Fenris whispered trailing after her.

"Indeed, there had better be a good story behind all this."

She posted the roster and waited. Brennan one of Aveline's most eager guards went to inspect it immediately. 

"Hey Donnic whose pucker have you been greasing to get Hightown?" She said angrily. 

"What? You're daft. I'm working dockside on those smugglers."

"Yeah well it says here you're guarding the square. Always been a make work job, that one. You someone's pet?"

"Check your eyes. It's a mistake."

"Says the pet."

"Lay off Brennan."

Hakwe went back to Aveline to deliver the news.

"He's not happy about this. Was that your intent?"

"Donnic thinks I'm punishing him? But Hightown is a safe patrol, a reward."

"You asked for his reaction."

"All right I can fix this. I need three goats and a sheaf of wheat. You'll take them to his mother." She said pacing about.

Hawke glared at Aveline and crossed her arms, evoking a stance that said she wanted an explanation. 

"It's a dowry tradition. Perhaps it will smooth the process."

"A dowry? This isn't about accusations?" Fenris said with a surprised look.

"No it's not."

"She's courting the man. With a fear reserved for dragons." 

"You know you can talk to me Aveline." Hawke said trying to calm her friend down.

"What am I to say? That a grown woman can't speak her mind? I've been focused on being captain for so long, it's all I know."

"But you were married before we you not?" Fenris asked.

"That was a long time ago. It was easier, or at least it seemed to be."

"I can't imagine you having trouble speaking your mind." Said Hakwe merriment in her eyes.

"The guards are in my care. I hurt when they hurt. But Donnic...I want him to know that I feel....but if something happened to him."

"Something already did happen, it's what got you here in the first place."

"If it made sense I wouldn't need you. I feel paralyzed and I hate it. I wish I could just be with him the way you two are. I still don't understand how you managed to come together with all the danger you end up in."

"Fenris and I are not the model for how to build a relationship. Whatever it is you are doing now clearly isn't working. Find something that will."

"I'm the captain, he's my guardsman. There's no getting past that."

"If the exisiting relationship presents an obstacle then go somewhere that you are equal." Interjected Fenris. 

"What? Just go out somewhere?"

"What too simple?" Hawke asked with a smirk.

"Very well invite Donnic to the Hanged Man tonight. Don't tell him I'll be there. I don't want him to think he's meeting the captain."  
***

"So what now?" Fenris asked as they stood at the bar together. Thankfully Isabela was out with Merrill, neither of them wanted to explain the situation. Varric agreed to not ask questions so long as they told him the story afterwards.

"I will chat with Donnic until Aveline arrives and then we get the two of them talking."

"Very well then. Better get to it, he's arrived. I don't see Aveline anywhere though."

What followed was nearly two hours of painful small talk as she tried to keep Donnic from leaving. She bought him drinks, tried her best at telling a few jokes, all the while waiting for Aveline to finally show up. When she did show up she met eyes with Hawke, shook her head and took off towards Varric's suite.

"So Aveline is great isn't she?" Hawke said gritting her teeth.

"Look if this was an attempt to get closer to me through the captain. You're just not my type. All this playing shy business. I prefer some backbone. Thanks for the drinks Serah Hawke."

After he left Aveline came skulking down from Varric's suite with a dejected look on her face.

"Well?" She asked sadly.

"He thinks I'm interested in him."

"I'm an idiot."

"Admitting it is the first step. Where are you heading now?"

"The barracks, Ferelden, the Deep Roads."

"You've never been the defeatist type."

"What can I do? The only place I don't freeze up is on patrol."

"Again she deflects." Fenris said with an annoyed tone to his voice. Having to watch Hawke make small talk with Donnic had been awful. He realized he was feeling jealousy for the first time and it was unpleasant.

"I will not risk."

"You're squandering something you don't understand." He said angrily. He had gone through too much with Hawke to let someone else throw away a chance like he almost had.

"You can't ignore advice from such a stable source." Hawke said teasingly. 

"Very well, I'll go on a patrol up the coast. You clear the way, much like you cleared your way into Hightown. It goes to show how much I trust you that I am actually willing to do this. Two days from now Hawke, be there or so help me."

"Oh I'll be there. Trust me."

****

"So lady man hands has got the hots for one of her gaurds?" Isabela asked as they wandered the coast.

"It would appear so."

"You know normally I hate being dragged along on pointless errands but this sounds like fun."

"That's why I brought all of you. Need to make sure this entire route is clear."

"Oh this is so exciting. Varric isn't this exciting?" Merrill was giddy and dancing around them.

"Watch your step wit....I mean, would you kindly avoid stepping on my toes while you do that." Fenris was trying to be less hostile with everyone. He realized after Hadriana that he let his anger influence how he treated others. Hawke smiled seeing him try to be a kinder person. 

"Heads up we got company!" Varric yelled as raiders came running down the path towards them. As they cleared the way Isabela lit small torches along the path. Indicating to Aveline that they had been through.

They came to an overlook along the path and Isabela insisted on having a peek at how everything was going. They watched as Aveline and Donnic passed by.

"Rather quiet patrol isn't it captain?"

"Yes and it's a nice night for an evening."

"Maker she is absolutely terrible at this." Hawke groaned. 

The continued to clear the path and kept witnessing Aveline make a mess of her time alone with Donnic. She talked about how to properly forge a sword. Methods for cleaning armor. Everything but her feelings. Hawke had enough and knew an intervention was needed. She waited with the rest of them at the end of the path.

"Well that was an interesting patrol captain."

"Yes quite. Hawke what are you doing here?"

"Aveline!" Hawke said with exasperation. "We don't have all night you know!"

"Would someone please tell me what's going on?" Donnic asked his voice full of confusion.

"I'm gonna draw draw a picture of where she wants to touch you." Said Varric.

"She's courting you, its pathetic yet admirable." Fenris added.

"You two are just adorable, kiss him already!" Merrill squealed.

"Seriously just bend her jver a basin already." Isabela joined in.

"Captain?" Aveline responded to Donnic's question with a blush and a nervous lap. When realization struck, his mouth dropped slightly.

"I should go." Aveline watched him walk away and turned to Hawke with a stare that could kill.

"I thought we were friends?"

"Friend sometimes have to push."

"I'm going to push you off a cliff! He's going to file a complaint. I could lose my job for this! That's it's all of you double time back to the barracks or so help me!"

A collective groan escaped everyone as Aveline marched them back to Kirkwall. Eventually she walked on ahead of them forcing them to keep up with her long stride.

"If he doesn't want to bed her I just might. Anything to settle her down."

"Why would anyone hide their feelings. The Dalish aren't like this at all. We settle down naturally, but not after at least exploring ourselves and others." 

"You see Kitten, some people just don't know how to let go. You find someone you fancy and you take them for a tumble. If it's fun you do it a few more times. If it's not, well either you get away or you try again."

"Like when you showed me how to find the button?"

Isabela laughed loudly causing Aveline to look back at her glaringly.

"Of course Kitten, just like that."

Hawke rolled her eyes and kept on walking. She wished she could say she knew what it was like. Fenris still had not said anything to her about it. Nor had he made any mention that he'd like to.   
*** 

When they reached the stairs to the keep Hawke sent the rest of them off.

"No need for all of us to go through this. You guys head on home. I'll deal with whatever fall out happens."

Fenris tried to protest but she waved him off. Varric gave him a nudge and they walked off. Isabela and Merrill had a running banter on who in Kirkwall they'd rather bed or kill.

"The viscount?"

"I'd bed him of only to be let back into the gardens again. Hmmmm let me think ooh Anders."

"Bed him. Simply because I could say I had a threesome with a spirit. Though I can't imagine he's going to be around much longer."

"What are you talking about?" Fenris finally asked.

"Hawke didn't tell you? She went to see him and they had a row about you. I have no idea what he called you, but she slapped him for it. Pretty much told him if they were going to stay friends, his opinions on you would need to be kept silent." Varric replied.

"When was this?"

"If I remember it was the day after Merrill spilled cider on her. I can't believe she didn't tell you."

Fenris thought hard about what he was told. That was the night they had discussed his escape and his lack of experience. She had defended him that very day. Practically ended a friendship for him. He knew why she was friends with Anders. She had a soft spot for all broken things, him included. He knew then that he couldn't wait any longer.

"I will wait for Hawke at her estate. See if everything went well." He said almost too quickly for Varric to understand. Isabela and Merrill were thankfully out of earshot. Varric gave him a knowing grin and and pat on the back before heading off to catch up with the girls.

****   
"All right a formal apology, something that shows the gaurds still trust me. That's the answer."

"But you don't even know if there's a problem!"

"How could there not be?"

"Ahem. Serah Hawke, I'd like a moment alone with the captain if you don't mind." Guardsman Donnic stood in the doorway of Aveline's office.

"By all means." Hawke said with a smile as she walked out closing the door behind her. She waited outside trying to listen for anything at all. After a few minutes she heard a very feminine giggle followed by a hearty laugh. She smiled brightly knowing full well that all would be fine. She left word with a guard to please inform the captain that she had made her way home. 

She walked down the stairs from the keep with her head brimming with thoughts. Was she like Aveline, not being totally up front and honest. It wasn't like Fenris was unaware of her affections. He just wasn't aware how far they went. She desired him, which was a new concept for her. Yet she could not deny it any longer. These thoughts and more nearly sent her off towards his mansion, without any goal in mind as to what she would do when she got there. 

In the end she decided it was best to head home and think on it with a clear mind after some sleep. She opened her front door and was taken aback to see Fenris waiting for her.

"Fenris?"

"I have been thinking of you. In fact I been unable to think of little else. Command me to go and I shall."

"What took you so long?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhanger!! As if you don't already know what's happening next. Is it wrong that as I wrote his words I could hear it in my head? Gideon Emery's voice should be made into a national treasure. If you ever get the chance youtube him singing.   
> Anyway as I said there may be a small hiatus until after September 12. I will do my best to not keep you waiting too long.  
> Happy reading


	34. Forgive Me

"Fenris?"

He turned and came towards her, a hungry look in his eyes.

"I have been thinking of you. In fact I have been unable to think of anything else. Command me to go and I shall." His eyes down at the floor as he said it. An old habit that he still couldn't let go of.

"What took you so long?" Was all she could say.

He reached out and brought his lips to hers slowly and gently. She kissed him back matching his pace not wanting to push him too fast. She darted her tongue out and ran it along his lower lip. The low moan that resounded in his throat made her ache with desire. Without thinking she pushed him up against the wall her lips moving to his neck.

"Fenris, i want to do this right. I don't want to hurt you or to push you to do anything you are not ready to do." She said as her hands ran up his chest.

"I...I need this. I need you. I never thought I could desire touch. To want someone's hands upon me. Hawke you make me feel." He held her face in his hands looking into her eyes.

She took his hand and guided him upstairs to her her room. Shutting the door quietly she turned to face the first man to ever set foot in her bedroom. 

"Wait right here. I'm going to get this armor off." She disappeared behind a changing screen and he went about removing his gauntlets and chest plate. He left the tunic and leggings on, his arms feeling very exposed.

Fenris looked around nervously, not sure what to do with himself. She appeared from behind the screen wearing a red robe that contrasted with her ivory skin and made the red of her lips even more prominent. 

He ached to grab her and ravage her as he had done in so many of his fantasies. But seeing her now, vulnerable, her shorn locks hanging over her eyes as she twiddled her fingers made him want nothing more than to reach out and hold her. She bit her lip and walked towards him. Keeping her hands at her sides she looked up and brought her lips to his. He kissed her back, putting his hands on her waist pulling her closer. He took her hands and put them on his shoulders. 

"Hold me Hawke, please." 

She let her hands rest gently on his shoulders, careful not to put too much pressure. He untied the belt at her waist and and slipped a hand inside. Gently cupping her breast he found her nipple and began to stroke it until it hardened under his thumb. She moaned softly and her chest thrusted forwards begging for more. He opened her robe and let his hand find her other breast. Stroking her softly as he continued to kiss her, each kiss growing deeper and deeper the more she moaned against his lips.

"Fenris, I want to see you. I want all of you." 

He stopped and looked down at her. He had never let anyone see how far the markings on his body went. He felt shame and fear at the thought of anyone seeing them, seeing him. But he knew he could not deny her. He pushed her gently down to sit on the bed. Her eyes never left his as he slowly unbuttoned the tunic. She gasped as it came away and he feared again the look of pity or worse, disgust he would see in her eyes.

"You are beautiful." She said to him, her eyes glistening.

"I have never let anyone see this Hawke. Only you." 

She stood and removed her robe. She wore only her small clothes and he saw now her pale flesh in the fire light. Her nipples were the color of apricots and he saw a long scar that went from her collar bone, between her breasts down to her hip.

"You are not the only one with scars Fenris. Some are not as visually appealing as yours." 

He didn't ask where the scar came from. Now was not the time to be dwelling on the past. Instead he trailed his fingers over it gently, his soft touch causing her to whimper. Fenris took her hand in his and kissed her finger tips. He pulled her close to him again and rested his hand on her hip. He brought his head to her neck and placed a kiss on her collarbone and then nibbled his way up her neck finishing at the bottom of her ear. Her hands ran through his hair and her nails grazed over shell of his ears. He pulled in a sharp breath at the sensation. He knew his ears were sensitive. Denarius had exploited that on several occasions pulling and flicking them when he felt like punishing him. But this was new and incredibly pleasurable, he moaned into her neck and bit down unable to hold back from the sensations she was driving into him with just her fingers. She let out a cry and her hips thrusted against his. 

"Did I hurt you?" He asked pulling away.

"No that was just unexpected. Do you not like your ears to be touched? Merrill once said elves enjoy having their ears played with and I thought perhaps I should try."

"I'm sure it was something she was able to discover living with her kind. I just never had the experience before, I was not expecting it to feel as good as it did." 

Hawke smiled and again she kissed him gently. He took comfort in knowing that she was just as nervous as he was. That the slow pace they were going at was not just for his benefit, but it was a pace she needed as well. He sat down on the bed and pulled her to him. He laid her onto her pillow and caging her with his arms he kissed her deeply. His tongue darting into her mouth and running along her lips. She bit his bottom lip and he growled in response. He couldn't take his hands off her, feeling every inch of her body wanting to memorize every curve. She trembled beneath him succumbing to her desires and needing so much more.

He brought his hands down to her smalls and pulled them off, his fingers trailing slowly down her legs as he removed them. He took a moment to look at her naked in the firelight. A shy smile across her face that only made him want her more.

"You are beautiful Hawke. So beautiful." He whispered running his lips over her hip bones. He pushed her legs apart with his hands and ran a finger over her slit. She gasped feeling his touch. 

"I want to pleasure you. Show me." She blushed hearing that and took his hand. Guiding his hand over her mound she moaned as he slipped a finger inside her. He took her direction well and ran a thumb up to her center. She keened at the sensation and he quickened his pace. He kept his hand there as he slid up the bed. Curling an arm around her and kissing her deep. She moaned loudly against his lips and he felt her start to buck underneath him. 

"Fenris." She cried out as a wave of pleasure came over her. His fingers stroking her faster and faster. She felt her hips rise off the bed violently and she collapsed when it passed. Her heart beating heavily as she struggled to breathe normally again.

"Marian." He said softly, she reached out to him her lips desperate for his. He denied her only so he could be finally free of his leggings. His cock was straining from the pressure and he needed to be inside her finally. 

She opened her legs for him and he held himself over her.

"Are you sure?" He asked.

"Yes."

He kissed her as he entered. His breath caught as he felt her envelop him. He saw her wince and almost stopped. She gave him a reassuring nod and he built up a slow pace to ease them both into it. Her legs wrapped around him and he felt himself go deeper. She was slick with desire for him and he began to quicken his pace. 

He lifted her up and rested her on his bended knees. His hands gripping her ass as he pumped himself inside her. Her nails gripping into his back brought him pain that mingled with the pleasure of her. He felt himself unraveling as he reached his peak.

"Hawke..I...Marian I can't."

"Let go."

His markings flared to life as he came. The release was like nothing he had ever felt before. Intense pleasure rushed through his skin erasing any pain he felt in that moment. He collapsed on top of her and she held his head to her chest stroking his hair. His breath felt hot against her breasts.

"Are you hurt?"

"A little sore I imagine. Though I think you might have left your finger prints in my ass. I guess you still are a cheeky devil."

He chuckled and rolled over onto his back, she curled up next to him and stroked her fingers down his chest. Careful to touch only skin and not his markings. She traced around the three dots resting over his heart. He caught her fingers and brought them to his lips. She sighed and snuggled into him and drifted off to sleep. He watched her and felt his eyes start to close as sleep took him as well.

****  
"Leto catch me!"

"Varania, Leto, it's time for dinner!"

"She has magic Leto, they can't find out. She'll be taken away."

"Congratulations you have won the tourney. What boon do you seek?"

"I wish the freedom of my mother and sister."

"You will become a living weapon. The ritual will be painful. It may very well destroy your mind if not just your memory."

"Will I forget everything?"

"The memories will return in time. Moments of extreme emotion may very well cause them to resurface. Try not to hold on when they do. Let them come to you slowly."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because one day you will escape. Danarius is too arrogant to realize he picked the wrong slave for this. You have too much fire inside to ever be tamed."

"It hurts Maker it hurts!"

"Leto is no more. You are now Fenris. My little wolf."

"Yes Master."

***

Hawke awoke to see Fenris staring into the fire. His armor already back on. He was leaving. 

"Was it that bad?"

He turned to face her a look of shame in his eyes.

"It was fine. Wait no that is insufficient. It was better than anything I could have dreamed of."

"It's your markings, I hurt you didn't I."

"No, while I slept I could suddenly remember everything that ever happened to me. Everything from my life before the ritual. It was all there and then suddenly it was gone." He paced about and Hawke waited to let him finish.

"This is too much, it's too fast. I can't do this."

"Fenris please don't do this. Don't run from me..... I love you."

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to be happy even for a moment. Forgive me."

And like that he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was hard to write. I enjoy smut and fluff as much as anyone else. For some reason I have difficulty writing it. Plus knowing how this would end was hard as well. The next one is going to be even harder. Thank you to everyone for the kudos and the comments


	35. Stand the Pain

When neither Hawke or Fenris showed up to Wicked Grace Varric knew something was wrong. He made the trip to Hightown the next morning to check on his friend.

"Varric, oh thank the Maker someone's come by." Leandra looked haggard. As if she hadn't slept in days.

"What's happened?"

"She won't tell me. She hasn't left her room in days. I've had my hands full with the elven girl she hired and every time I try to speak to her she just closes up. I don't know what to do."

Varric opened the door to Hawkes room slowly and found her in a chair in front of the fire. Her eyes were sunken in and her hair was in disarray .

"Hawke?"

"Hello Varric. Come to check on me?"

"I haven't seen you in days no one has. What's going on?"

"I think I may have destroyed my only chance at love. Fenris and I...we."

"Oh Hawke."

"He left. We had one night together and he left. It's my fault. It's the magic, the magic did this. He remembered everything, every single moment of his life and then it was gone."

"How can you think that's your fault?"

"Because I'm a mage. Lyrium sings in my veins and it did something to him I know it did."

Varric didn't try to have her explain further. Instead he coaxed her into having a bath and then got her to eat. He read to her from his newest chapter of Hard in Hightown until she laughed. She promised to come by the next day and when he left Leandra hugged him and thanked him for all he had done.

***  
Varric kicked open the door to the mansion and went charging up the stairs.

"You broody self serving no good nug licking, holy shit why is there blood everywhere?"

Fenris sat in front of the fire looking just as haggard as Hawke had. Broken bottles were strewn about the floor. Bloody foot prints covered the tiles and more still dripped from Fenris's feet.

"Finish me off Varric. I know that's why you've come."

"Makers fucking balls what have you done to yourself?"

"What I deserve. I had a woman Varric, a woman who gave me everything. And what do I do? I run off like a coward in the night."

"Fuck, shit, ugh! You know you have a lot of nerve being this upset. I came here to beat the bloody hell out of you for what you did to her."

"Do it then! I deserve no less! Can't you see I'm begging for it!" Fenris got on his knees in front of Varric. Glass ripping his legs and knees as came closer.

"You are fucking drunk."

"The point?"

"The point is I'm not having this discussion until you are coherent."

"You know what dwarf I think you..."  
Varric socked him in the jaw knocking him out cold.

"You'll thank me in the morning."

****  
Fenris woke up with a pounding head and a sore mouth. He sat up to find that the room had been cleaned up of all the broken glass. The blood had been mopped up and his feet were bandaged.

"Good morning. Drink this and take these. Then we will talk." Fenris took the glass of water from Varric and the elfroot leaves. He chewed slowly feeling pain with every one.

"Am I to believe you are responsible for the pain in my jaw?"

"You had it coming. You came at me, wasn't much else I could have done. Now let's talk. I came here last night to beat some sense into you. But after seeing the states that both you and Hawke are in, I need more information."

"Something for your next book?" Fenris said angrily. 

"I could punch you again if you'd like. Now I'm not very aware of how magic and lyrium work. But Hawke is convinced that what happened between you is her fault. That her being a mage has done something to you."

"Nothing could be further from the truth. It is my fault and mine alone. Something happened Varric, I can't explain nor do I wish to. It's too much. She deserves better than this. She deserves better than me."

"She wants you."

"Because she's had no other!"

"You really are a coward. What are you afraid of Fenris?"

He had no answer. Not one he could articulate. He put his head in his hands and hoped that Varric would leave him to his misery. 

"You're going away."

"What?"

"One of my contacts. He's in need of muscle for a caravan heading to Tantervale. It's a two week trip. He knows your circumstances and assures me that all precautions will be made to ensure no slavers come sneaking around. You need time away and she needs time to heal."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because that girl is the sister I never had. The sibling I should have had. I would do anything for her. Right now that means giving her some space from you, and you her."

"Varric."

"Just promise me that you will use the time away wisely. Don't turn your back on a chance at love. You will regret it for the rest of your life."

"Do you still love Bianca?"

Varric gave him a surprised look.

"Every day."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Varric is the brother we all deserve. This is why I can never sacrifice Hawke in inquisition. I did it once just to see what would happen. Varric crying made me go back and redo the whole quest.


	36. Dissent

She stood alone in his room. No fire in the grate, just sunlight streaming through the holes in the ceiling. His bed was cold and unmade. There will still bloodstains from his night with the broken bottles.  
"Hawke what are you doing here?" Varric asked walking in.  
"Taking it in, I want to remember what this place looked like if he doesn't come back. I want to remember him."  
"He left his clothes and all his books Hawke. He even left behind the maul we pulled of a Tal Vashoth. He's coming back."  
"I know, just wish I could have said good bye. Just in case."  
Varric took Hawke's hand and pulled her down for a hug. He felt her tremble but not a tear was shed.  
"Let's go."  
****  
She went to Darktown for the first time in weeks. No one had seen Anders since their fight. Isabela said she'd heard rumors the clinic was closed up. So she went to investigate and hoped maybe to save a friendship.  
She found the doors open and the lantern lit. So much for rumors. Anders sat inside tending to a very pregnant elf.  
"It shouldn't be more than a few more days. It's your first. They never like to come on time. Just rest and all will come into place. Worrying will just make him stay in longer."  
"Thank you so much. I was so worried we wouldn't have proper care. Are you sure the midwife is a good one? My neighbor lost a baby because her midwife never came. Too busy tending to a hangover."  
"I assure you Berita will be there when you need her."  
The woman hugged him and made her way out the door. She smiled at Hawke as she passed by, the glow of motherhood making her eyes bright.  
"Hawke? I wasn't expecting, well I didn't think you wanted to see me anymore."  
"We're friends Anders. At least I still thought we were. Friends fight don't they?"  
"Yes but usually one reaches out to other to make amends."  
"I'm also stubborn in case you forgot."  
"Your absence was a constant reminder. I know why we fought and I will try to understand what you see in...Him."  
"Fenris left, Anders, a few days ago. I don't know if he's coming back and I'd rather not talk about it."  
“I see. Well then. I guess we should hug and say we're sorry?"  
"Works for me."  
***  
She spent a few days helping Anders with his patients. She wasn't his level of healer, but she could tend to the minor injuries so he could focus on the bigger ones.  
They began to rediscover their friendship. It was nice to talk to a fellow mage. To discuss their methods for channeling mana, how they each discovered what schools they were adept at.  
"You should have seen me Hawke. I'd spent days reading up on entropy. I was convinced it was my calling. For all my anger it seemed I should be a natural. Needless to say my first attempt at a misdirection hex left me blind for two days."  
"I have never tried an entropy spell. My father always said it was one of the more rare schools. I'm still amazed when I see Merrill do it."  
"For a blood mage she's not so bad. Though that one trick she does with roots coming up out of the ground. I'd hate to ever be on the receiving end of that."  
Hawke was cleaning up some of the papers on Anders desk when she came across what appeared to be a coded message.  
"Anders what is this?"  
"Oh that. It's a message from the Gallows, from the mage resistance. Many of them are being threatened with tranquility. Every day there's a new tranquil in the courtyard. Good mages who passed their Harrowing."  
"They can't do that can they? Tranquility is forbidden on those who pass the Harrowing."  
"Templars can do whatever they want Hawke. They're using the Rite of Tranquility to silence those who speak out. There’s also a plan to turn every mage in Kirkwall tranquil within the next three years."  
"I can't see that being true. No one is that heartless."  
"The plan is the work of a Templar named Ser Alrik. He's one who did the ritual on Karl. He likes to make mages beg for mercy. He's a sadist. Experiments with the mages, sees just how far he can push them until they break or fall prey to demons."  
"If it's just one man how can you be sure that every templar is with this plan? Surely the knight commander wouldn't go that far."  
"I'm hoping for that. But I need evidence that shows he's trying to do this. Some proof so that he can be stopped."  
"Are you asking me to sneak into the Gallows with you?"  
"In so many words yes. Please Hawke you must realize by now the circles don't work."  
"I will do this Anders but not for the reasons you think. I'm doing this so that you don't head off all by yourself. You'll be executed if you're caught."  
"I know, tomorrow then?"  
"Yes."  
***  
Anders showed them a secret passage through Darktown that came out in the caverns below the Gallows. Merrill and Varric had come as well. Isabela was off searching for her damn relic again.  
"We need to be cautious, the Carta uses these tunnels for lyrium smuggling as well. Best to avoid them at all costs." Anders warned them as they crept along.  
Hawke was becoming more and more uneasy as they continued on. She still wasn't sure how they were going to even get into the Gallows. Anders wouldn't share much with them, these tunnels were key to the mage resistance. The less anyone knew about them the better.  
The tunnel finally opened into a chamber with steps leading out. They were about to venture forward when they heard voices coming towards them. Quickly backing into the tunnel they watched as a young mage came running into the chamber followed by several templars.  
"I wasn't running away I swear. I just wanted to see my mum. No one told her where they were taking me. Please I swear."  
An older templar with a graying mustache approached the girl. Anders began to glow, but he shook his head trying to get the spirit in him to quiet.  
"No, this is their duty, we cannot interfere."  
"You're lying little girl. What do we do to mages who lie?" The Templars voice reminded Hawke of a snake.  
"No please don't make me tranquil. I'll do anything."  
"Exactly, you'll do whatever I say once the rite is complete."  
Hawke pushed past Anders and put herself between the girl and her attacker.  
"Doesn't the chantry frown on templars abusing their charges?" She said trying her best to appear bold, despite the weakness she felt in her knees.  
"Who the bloody hell are you?"  
"It's the Divine, come here to personally tell you what an ass hole you are." Varric chimed in. Hawke felt a wave of energy pass by her. Anders, no Justice, came bursting into the chamber.  
"You will never harm another mage!" The spirits voice echoed through the open chamber. It was over before she could breathe. They were dead every single one of them. But this time it did not seem as though Justice was willing to settle down.  
"They will die! I will destroy every templar in the Gallows."  
"It's over Anders you've killed them all."  
"Every one of them will feel the burn of justice!"  
"Get away from me demon!" The girl yelled cowering away.  
Justice turned on her then. He pushed her back into a stone wall. His eyes glowing blue full of hatred.  
"I am no demon! Are you one of them, that you would call me such?"  
"Anders that girl is a mage. We just rescued her from being made Tranquil!"  
"She is theirs! I can feel their hold on her!"  
"She is the reason you're fighting, don't turn on her now."  
"No I will have my vengeance!"  
"No please messere!" The girl dropped to her knees begging for her life but it was too late. Justice blasted her with a wave of magic that collapsed her to the ground. He then stabbed her through the chest with the blade of his staff. As she lay dying Anders suddenly came to his senses.  
"Oh Maker no!" He ran off leaving them behind.  
***  
"Hawke what are you going to do?" Merrill asked as they made their way back to Anders clinic. Not a word had been spoken since Anders ran off. Hawke couldn't get the girls face out of her head. She was so young, younger than Bethany had been when she died.  
"I honestly don't know Merrill. But I think it's best if you and Varric wait outside. I'm sorry I got you into this."  
"You didn't know this was going to happen Hawke. You can't blame yourself for that he did." Varric was worried for her. She was already broken up over Fenris. He hated to think she would lay the blame for the girl’s death on herself as well.  
"I know." She didn't say another word. They reached the entrance to the clinic and walked in alone.  
Varric and Merrill positioned themselves outside the door and waited.


	37. Departure

Anders sat in his clinic sorting through his belongings, muttering to himself when Hawke walked in. 

"Trash, keep, trash, trash, keep, no trash."

"You killed that girl!"

"I did. I have become a monster. Justice has been warped by my rage. I cannot contain him any longer, I have no control."

"What happened? When we met three years ago you said it was under control. That so long as you had purpose Justice was sated."

"I have let certain things become a distraction. Justice did not approve and it has slowly caused him to become angrier."

"What sort of things?"

"You, I'm in love with you Hawke. You are everything I have ever wanted in a lover. With you at my side we could begin a revolution. You could help me control him I know it. He would be sated if you would just join me!"

"Anders, I'm sorry, but that's not going to happen."

"I would be better for you than him. Don't give yourself to him Hawke, please."

"It's too late for that Anders."

"What? You actually slept with him?"

"Not that it's any of your business but yes I did."

Anders looked crestfallen, as though the world crashed down onto him all at once.

"Why? He hates mages, he hates everything that you are. How can you be with someone so close minded?"

"How can you be such a hipocrate?"

"I am doing all that I do for people like us! So that we never have to be locked up just for being born different!"

"At what cost?"

Anders grabbed her pulling her close to him, he shoved his mouth on hers in a forceful kiss. His lips smashing into hers painfully. She tried pushing him off but he tightened his grip on her harder. She made a grab for the back of his head and pulled on his hair as hard as she could. When he pulled back with a yelp she punched him in the face.

"Don't ever do that again! You have no right to force yourself on me! You say you're fighting for the freedom of mages yet you are the example of the worst that freedom brings."

Anders didn't say anything just rubbed the back of his head. He took a deep breath and his eyes turned cold as he looked at her.

"You're right. I cannot change who or what I am."

"Get yourself out of this. I have nothing more to say to you."

"This is my life. The whole of my existence. Perhaps it is time for our paths to diverge. I cannot pull back from what I am. Would you have me leave?"

"I want nothing more to do with you."

"Understood. I hope we both live to see the circles fall."  
***

Hawke made the decision to go to Aveline. Someone needed to know where to find the girls body. So her family could mourn. 

She couldn't look Aveline in the eyes as she told her what had happened. When she reached the part where Anders forced himself on her she felt her throat catch. Aveline put a hand on her knee and encouraged her to continue. When she was finished she looked up to see nothing but concern on Aveline's face.

"How are you holding up?"

"Aveline, I just told you Anders murdered someone, forced me to kiss him and that I ran him out of town. Aren't you supposed to yell at me for something?"

"For what exactly? As captain of the guard it was my obligation to turn him over years ago. I knowingly allowed an abomination to live free in this city. He was our friend. Perhaps we should have seen that it was getting worse. But he sequestered himself away in that clinic, tending to the ills of Darktown."

"What will they do without him? There was a pregnant elf there the other day. Oh Maker if something goes wrong."

"Hawke stop. You made the right decision. We cannot change what has happened. I will send a patrol there, tell them there's been talk of Carta movement. They'll find her."

"Aveline, I miss him. I miss him so much."

Aveline didn't need to ask who Hawke was talking about. She pulled her into an embrace and rubbed a hand up and down her back. 

"The first man I ever slept with left while I was still asleep." Aveline said quietly. Hawke looked up at her with a surprised look. She stepped back and Aveline kept hold of her hands.

"He was my sparring partner in my training days. He was handsome, suave, and knew how to charm a woman with few words. I gave myself to him and he was gone when I woke up. I hated myself for giving in to him. Took me years to get over that sting." Aveline sighed and continued.  
"Your first time was with someone you loved Hawke. There's no shame or regret in that."

"Thank you. I needed to hear that."

"Good because now comes the bad news."

"Oh what now?"

"You promised a certain templar you'd do some late night investigating for him? He came by here harassing me asking if you'd brought anything to my attention. So I lied and said we had a plan in place to check on the house."

"I thought you said his accusations were unfounded?"

"I said no evidence was found to support his theory. However I don't like loose ends. If Emeric is right then a killer is in the city. I don't like thinking that's a possibility. So tonight you and me, we're breaking in. Well actually the dwarf is breaking in, he owes me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anders, never liked him. I find him to be selfish and completely unaware how biased he truly is. After seeing what happened in my first playthrough I always take the option to tell him to leave. I won't let Hawke be a pawn in his scheme. So in keeping with that spirit I have sent Anders away.


	38. Idle Hands

"So you don't talk much do you?"

Fenris grunted at the man. For three days the caravan driver had tried to make small talk with him. He had been assigned to guard the front, which put him next to the man every single day. 

"It's going to be a long trip and you and and I are the only ones up front. No one else to talk to, might as well make the most of it. You seem like you have a lot on your mind."

"Why do you continue to pester me? Has my silence not been clear?" 

"All I know is my boss told me he hired some new muscle to help guard the front line on this trip. Instead I've got a skinny elf with a sword twice as big as he is. Along with sour attitude and a disposition that could make the sun so black."

"I assure you that I am more than capable of handling this blade with precision. And I am not skinny."

"Sure look skinny to me."

"I'm an elf as you so tactfully pointed out. We're built differently." He was reminded of all the times Leandra would fuss over him, always worrying he wasn't eating enough. Hawke having to explain that elves had a slimmer physique. It didn't stop her from trying to feed him.

"Haven't spent much time around elves to be honest. Seen them on the road and such. Never really spoke to one before. You from the alienage?"

"No, Tevinter."

"That explains the accent. Strange country up there. Mages being in control, not too fond of that idea. I don't particularly like their practices as far as buying and selling people either."

"The slave trade is what keeps Tevinter going." Fenris said bitterly. 

"I see, how long you been running then?"

"Six years."

"He ain't caught you yet. Chances are he won't."

"He will never stop trying."

"So what is a Tevinter slave doing in Kirkwall?"

"That's a very long story."

"As I said it's going to be a long trip."

Fenris sighed and then let it all out. He began with the slaughter of the Fog Warriors, the regret that still stayed with him. He told the man of his first meeting with Hawke. The ambush he had led her to. The night he learned to play Wicked Grace. The day she nearly died. The trip to the deep roads and Bartrands betrayal. Leandra's cooking and how she would try to mother all of them. Merrill's prattling and naiveté, her incessant need to bond with him over their shared heritage. Isabela being, well Isabela. Varric asking him for dirty words in Tevene for his novels. Aveline rotating the guard patrols around his mansion to keep him unnoticed. He even spoke of Anders and all the arguments they had. He had never spoken so much in his life, he had never had that much to say before.

"So Hawke, shes the one who brought you all together."

"She is the bond we all shared."

"Is? She die?"

"No she lives. I just don't know if I am welcome in her life anymore."

"What did you do?"

"I left. These markings, they're made of lyrium. The ritual that put them there was an agonizing experience that robbed me of all my memories. After a night with her they all came back, briefly. I tried to hold onto them. But when they fled so did I."

"Seems to me you should've kept doing whatever it was that brought them back. The benefits alone would have made me keep going." The man laughed and Fenris bit back an angry retort. No use being angry at the man for speaking his mind.

"I'd rather not talk about it anymore if you don't mind."

"All right. Almost time to stop for the night anyway. Felt good to get it out though didn't it?"

Fenris didn't respond. Simply gave a non commital shrug.

That night after dinner the man handed him a flat block of thick wood and a dagger. 

"Here. Wood carving is good for the hands. Idle hands lead to a wandering mind. You'll never collect your thoughts if your hands aren't active."

He watched as the man showed him how to carve into the wood. He had a small wooden shield that he was working on, he turned it so that Fenris could see.

"Is that the grey warden sigil?"

"That it is. Got a little girl at home. Her mother's always trying to put her in dresses and play with dolls. All she wants to do is grow up and be a knight. She heard all the stories of the hero of Ferelden. Wants to be just like her. So I'm making her a grey warden shield for her play battles with the boys. Her mother will hate me for it, but I can't help doing things to put a smile on her face."

"How old is she?"

"She's ten. Growing up too fast if you ask me."

"You seem a good father for allowing her to dream."

"I try. Now stop talking and get to carving whatever pops into your mixed up head."

Every day after that he would talk to the man about his life. About his fears and his pain. The man would tell him stories about his wife and his children. A boy and a girl, Mira and Lucas. By day they spoke, and at night Fenris would carve away at the block of wood.

When they reached Tantervale Fenris had finished. It was a design he had seen for many years, almost every single day. 

"I'm guessing that's her sigil?"

"Yes."

"Mind if I borrow it? I've got an idea for you. You'll get it back when we leave in two days."

He was unsure but gave the carving to him none the less. The man directed him to an inn and told to return to the gates to depart in two days time.

"Don't just sit in your room the whole time either. Go explore."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guys miss me? This was originally a much longer chapter but it dragged on and needed to be split. Next chapter will feature Hawke and Aveline investigating DePuis. So stay tuned.


	39. Prime Suspect

"Aveline, I must say I'm very proud of you."

"Don't start."

"Three years ago you had to go around a corner and whistle to yourself when Varric would do this. Now you're watching."

"I'm not watching Varric pick a lock. I'm observing him and keeping an eye out for the guard patrol."

"Ten sovereigns says she put Donnic on patrol tonight and he knows when to not be walking by."

"Not another word, either of you. Just get the damn door open already."

"It's been open I just wanted proof that you rigged the patrols for tonight." Varric put his picking tools back in his pouch and quietly opened the door. Aveline cuffed him gently on the neck as she passed by.

"Wait a minute something smells off." Merrill said as the door shut behind them. There was a sound like all the air being sucked from the room. The lanterns fluttered and they found themselves surrounded by shades.

"So safe to say something screwy is going on here right captain?" Hawke yelled as she cast down fire.

"Now is not the time Hawke!" Called back Aveline her sword slicing through another.

"Well when is a good time to say maybe you overlooked some things?"

"I wasn't the one who conducted the raid. I sent some of my best men."

"This is why mages should be employed instead of locked up. I could have told you as soon as we walked in there was magic at work here."

"You sound like Anders."

"Take that back!"

"Ladies if you're done bickering I've got two coming at me and could use some help." Varric cried out as he was backed into a corner. Merrill turned without hesitation and cast a spirit cage over the oncoming shades. Her magic causing the cage to become smaller and smaller until the shades were no more.

"All right. So something is definitely amiss. My men should have been more thorough."

"What matters is that Emeric was right. We need to continue proving him right."

They searched the house and found letters indicating DePuis was investigating missing mages in other cities. They also found a letter from knight commander Meredith apologizing for the raid on his home. A final letter from an unknown sender indicated an artifact was at work summoning the shades that kept attacking them.

"We're dealing with a very powerful mage. What does he want with all the women though?" Hawke asked aloud.

"Blood magic?" Responded Aveline.

They both turned to Merrill who shrugged in response.

"I don't practice this sort of blood magic as you well know. This is unnatural."

A sudden scream from upstairs had them racing towards the source. They found DePuis dragging a very frightened woman across the room.

"Let go of her!"

"What? You're not him? Who are you?" DePuis said alarmed at their presence in his home.

"I think the better question is what are you doing with that woman?" Aveline stood tall and firm, ready to charge forward and take him out.

"Wait I can explain. This isn't what it looks like."

"Right, it wasn't you, it was the one armed man." Varric said keeping Bianca aimed at the man's chest.

"I swear I didn't hurt her. I don't know who you are or why you are here. But there's a killer out there. Please just give me a chance to explain." He had a mages staff strapped to his back, but kept his hands up to show he was not attacking.

"Start talking." Hawke said maintaining her stance ready to strike if things went wrong. 

"Several years ago my sister was murdered. It seems now the bastard is in Kirkwall. Killing women the same way he killed my sister." He paused for a moment as if the memory of his sister was too much to bear. He took a deep breath and went on.

"It starts with a bouquet of white lillies. He sends one to every new victim." He looked down at the frightened woman still sitting on the floor next to him.

"Alessa was going to be next. I took her so he would have to come to me. I thought I was going to finally face my sisters killer. But then you showed up."

"He's lying, he hurt me!" Alessa cried out, looking at Hawke with desperation in her eyes.

"I have already explained to you. I needed your blood to track you down if he took you. It was for your own protection."

"Get away from me!" Alessa made a swing at DePuis and when he shifted away she took the opportunity to run. Her heavy steps could be heard charging down the stairs and out of the house.

"She'll go straight to the guard and ruin everything!" DePuis went to go after her but found Aveline blocking his way.

"The guard is here and has more questions for you." Aveline said with a hard look. 

"I should report you to the Templars for blood magic." Said Hawke, putting herself between Aveline and DePuis. If anything were to happen she did not want Aveline having to explain why she had been there. 

"Yes I've used blood magic and lyrium to augment my powers. I won't deny that. But I had to, for my sisters sake I had to."

"Emeric was positive you were the killer."

"Yes I know. We were looking for the same person and our paths crossed. He assumed I was the one responsible."

"Then who is the killer?"

"He is a powerful blood mage. He picks healthy women with very few social ties. I believe he is using them for some kind of ritual."

"Why haven't you reported this to the gaurd?" 

"Why so you can arrest him, bring him to justice? No I do not desire that. Only the chance to bleed him dry for what he did."

Hawke looked to Aveline for guidance. Aveline shrugged her shoulders. They had no proof he was the killer and only more questions that had no answers.

"I can't bring him in for blood magic without having to report why I was here. After the last raid I was given very specific orders to stay away."

"We are both looking for the same man. Let me go and maybe one of us will find him." 

Aveline nodded and DePuis went to leave. 

"I will be in Darktown. If you learn anything more about the killer. Find me there."

***

Hawke went to the Gallows the next day to see Emeric with Merrill in tow. As they rode the ferry Hawke finally let her curiosity get the better of her. 

"So I'm just going to come right out and ask. What's going on with you and Isabela?"

"Oh that. Well nothing now really. We sort of agreed to end whatever it was. She's always off looking for her relic, I'm busy with things at home. It was fun and nice, and I learned so much."

"That's it though? You're not upset?"

"Oh Hawke, sometimes it's just a distraction really. Many in my clan would engage with others before choosing a bond mate. Isabela is a wonderful friend and I did enjoy my time with her. It's just."

"It's not love." Hawke said forlornly. It had been over a week since she'd seen Fenris. Varric had not told her where he had sent him. Only that it would take two weeks for him to return. Just three more days she thought to herself.

"Hawke, I'm not going to repeat what I hear everyone else has said to you. Only that I have seen many bonds grow and wane. You do not have a waning bond with Fenris. It grows more everyday. No one could look at the two of you and not see your bond. Besides every time your back is turned he stares at you with those puppy eyes."

"He does?"

"Oh yes, he loves you Hawke. I can't pretend to understand Fenris. When we first met I had hoped to find common ground with him in our shared heritage, but he has never seen past my magic. He sees only you though, nothing else just you."

"Thank you Merrill, I needed that."

"I'm not always lost you know, sometimes I'm just wandering."

They descended from the ship and were about to look for Emeric when Merrill gasped. Hawke turned to see what had gotten Merrill's attention when she saw her brother walking across the courtyard in full templar armor. 

"Oh my goodness Hawke look at him. He's a completely new person."

"Yes he is." She watched her brother hoping he'd turn and see them. When he did she felt her stomach drop with the fear he would not even acknowledge their presence. Instead she saw him smile, a smile that lit the corners of his eyes, and in that moment he looked like their father. Hawke smiled back and he gestured with his head to show that he could not stop to chat. So she mimed writing a letter and he nodded in  
return.

Merrill looped her arm through Hawkes and laid her head on her shoulder. She let out a happy sigh that hinted there might be a few tears in her eyes. 

They did not find Emeric at his usual post, a Templar woman was there instead.

"I'm looking for Ser Emeric is he about?"

"Serah Hawke? No he already left to answer your summons. I have the letter you sent him here."

"I didn't send a letter."

"Someone did, he's been acting strange lately. Getting things confused. Perhaps he just misunderstood."

Hawke looked over the letter and saw that it was sending Emeric to Darktown. A cold wave rushed over her and she bid farewell to the woman before grabbing Merrill rush back to the ferry.

"What's wrong?"

"I think Emeric is walking into a trap, we need to get to Darktown now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote and rewrote this chapter at least twice. Its not my best and if it wasn't crucial to the plot I would have very much liked to have skipped it.


	40. A Wolf comes Home, Offered and Lost

Fenris took the mans advice and roamed Tantervale rather than stay cooped up in his room at the inn. He bought gifts for everyone back in Kirkwall, determined to silence the voice in his head that said he wasn't welcome back. Each one was carefully picked out to show that he did indeed pay attention.

When the day came to depart he made his way to the gates early. He found his friend barking orders at the men loading the wagons.

"That's produce you idiot. Put it in the foodstuffs wagon, not with the damn armor." He noticed Fenris standing idly by and motioned him to come over.  
"Think you could help with some of this? My back can't take the lifting and none of the other louts the boss hired seem to have roused themselves yet."

He nodded and went to work. His years of handling the great sword had given him tremendous upper body strength. The hard labor felt good, it was nice to do something other than wallow. When the work was done the kind man patted him on the back.

"All right then. I'm buying you a meal. We still got an hour or so before we are due to depart."

"I couldn't accept."

"Listen you've done more for this trip than you're being paid for. So why not just let me thank you with a meal. Trust me you'll want one once you see the rations we have for the trip back. Damn Tantervalians don't know how to bake bread worth a damn."

They ate in silence as always. The man had long stopped pressuring Fenris to speak. He let him decide when to talk.  
"Oh as promised your wood work and a little something from me."

Fenris opened the parcel he was given and found a small leather shield. Her sigil painted on it in bright red. Attached to the back were leather strips so that it could be worn on his belt. Visible for everyone to see.

"You may not be ready to talk to her, and she may not want to talk to you. But you can always show her that she matters. That you belong to her. I know that's not the best choice of words to be using, what with you being a former slave. Yes I said former. Don't look at me like that. I hear the way you talk about her. You've got friends that's for sure. But her, she's yours as much as you are hers."

"I'm grateful truly."

The man smiled and made his way over to the head of the wagons readying the horses to depart. Fenris packed away his woodwork and the leather shield. He would wait until he returned to Kirkwall to display it, perhaps after he had finally faced her again.  
***  
They were attacked by shades as soon as they entered the alleyway. Hawke and Merrill fought them off but it was too late. Emeric was dead before they even got to him. Hawke blamed herself; she should have listened to him. Should have realized he wasn't a crazy old man chasing ghosts. There was a killer in Kirkwall. Hawke only hoped that now the city guard would take his claims seriously.

The Templar who had met her at the Gallows had followed her there. She looked shocked at seeing the body of her friend and promised to look into his death personally. She inquired as to whether DePuis might be responsible, but Hawke assured her that was not the case.  
When the Templar finally left she and Merrill both let out a sigh of relief. The last thing they needed was a Templar realizing they were both apostates. They decided to head to see Aveline and tell her what had occurred.  
***  
"Maker what a mess." Aveline paced about her shaking her head. Hawke and Merrill watched her waiting for her to take a breath.

"I will increase the patrols at night. Take a look at the city census and see how many women currently living in Kirkwall match the description DePuis gave us to see who may be a potential victim. Do we know who Alessa was? Her last name anything?"

"No, she was gone when we left the estate." Hawke was feeling anxious. There was so much going on and it was all happening too fast.

"Hawke are you all right?" Merrill rested a hand on her shoulder. Hawke brushed it away.

"It's late; I've dealt with too many things in too short of a time. It feels like an eternity has passed since I got a good night's sleep."

Aveline was about to say something when a messenger appeared at the door.

"Viscount Dumar has requested your presence in his chambers immediately." The man said with an air of urgency.

"Very well, tell him I will be there shortly." Aveline said with a sigh.

"Not you serah, the summons is for Messere Hawke."

Hawke's shoulders slumped forward and she let out a defeated sound. She followed the messenger across the keep to the viscount's chambers. The walk seemed to take forever.

"Serah Hawke, thank you for coming so quickly. I did not get to properly thank you for your assistance with the Arishok and the unfortunate aftermath. But I'm afraid that thanks comes with another request."

"Of course it does."

"I bring this to only because no one else can be trusted. The Arishok confided to you that they have no intention of leaving in the near future. Something about a theft?"

"In so many words yes."

"If they are here because of that I can only worry what the reaction will be to what has occurred now. A delegate arrived shortly after the gas crisis. We spoke of ways to handle the unrest in the city in regards to their presence. It seemed promising. But then they disappeared. They were last seen at my doorstep. You can imagine how this will look to the Arishok."

"There was a missing Qunari patrol up the coast as well. One of them asked me if I was responsible for it."

"Why you?"

"I believe they were asking anyone of import and somehow I'm one of them."

"Yes it seems you are to have responsibilities above your station. Please speak with my seneschal and you will understand why I cannot trust anyone else with this."

Hawke felt the tension in her shoulders grow as she left the chamber. There was a dull ache in her head that threatened to spread through her body. She just wanted one quiet night alone with her thoughts. She hadn't had a moment to herself in over a week. As she approached seneschal Bran she realized that it had been ten days since Fenris had left. He would be returning in just two days time. If he was coming back at all. That thought alone gave her some hope.

Aveline and Merrill were waiting for her in the hallway. Hawke gave them a brief update and motioned for them to follow her to the seneschal’s office. They found him waiting outside for them.

“You have information about the missing Qunari?” Hawke had never like seneschal Bran; he often gave her a feeling of unease. As though he were constantly looking down at her.  
“I am to help you yes. As you know the viscount would appreciate discretion. I would prefer that you were not involved at all.”

“That makes two of us.”

“Well in any case, I have ruled out this being a plot by the Qunari to justify an attack on the city. For all we fear of these heretics and their Qun, its demands have done more to keep them in check than any of our efforts. Besides would Qunari ever stoop to trickery? There is no precedent for it. There is however unfortunate evidence of foul play on our side.”

“It almost sounds like you don’t want them found.”

The seneschal pursed his hands together in a simpering motion.

“I must think of what is best for the viscount’s office. Bringing attention to this incident benefits no one.”

“So you would do nothing? Just turn a blind eye to it?” Hawke was becoming frustrated; it was bad enough that she was being dragged into this against her will. But to have the person who was meant to help her be unwilling to do so was ridiculous.

Seneschal Bran let out an agonized sigh, he realized he would not be rid of her until he told her everything he knew.

“The Qunari are neutral threat, there is no benefit in overextending ourselves on their behalf. However given the situation the viscount’s office will be seen in compliance. I advised them to have their swords tied into their sheaths. I knew better than to ask a Qunari to separate himself from his weapon, and it seemed a respectable compromise. I’m sure that made them easier targets for abduction.”

“Has this been reported to the arishok at all?”

“Maker, no, I'd be signing the messenger’s death warrant. They’ll find out soon enough I suppose. When he does the viscount is convinced the illusion of peace, such as it is, will dissolve.”

“You mentioned duplicity on our end. Just give me the details so we can both be rid of each other.”

“This could not have escaped the notice of the city guard unless they were involved.”

“Have any failed to report.” Asked Aveline, uneasy at the idea that one of her own could be responsible.

“Several, you should start with one of them. Although where you would find a man so willing to sell his honor and duty, I’m sure I don’t know.” He said with arrogance in his voice.

“Hanged Man.” Merrill chirped.

“Hanged Man.” Repeated Hawke.  
“Obviously.” Finished Aveline.

“Right, then you know what to look for. I can’t imagine this has occurred without notice. There is always a weak link.”

“Yes of course and by the way Seneschal Bran, I know where you’ve been and what you’ve needed to use to get rid of the rash. Talk to me like I'm less than human again and I will make sure more people know as well. She turned away refusing to even look at the scowl across the mans face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the long delay. The wedding was wonderful thank you to everyone who sent me well wishes for it.  
> I ended up in the hospital two days afterwards with complete muscle and tendon strain in my left arm, holding up a 30 pound dress for hours will do that.  
> That combined with stress over paying the last of the vendors didn't leave me much time for writing or brainstorming. Also I felt like I had lost touch with my characters especially Hawke. So yesterday I pulled DA2 from the shelf and restarted a play through at the beginning of Act 2. Played it just how it went in the story and boom! They came back to me clear as day. Next few chapters should be published within the week.


	41. Duty calls and Mother answers

"Hawke where are you going?" Aveline followed her out of the keep as she marched through Hightown. 

"To the Hanged Man."

"Hawke you're exhausted. You've been going non stop for."

"For days yes I know."

"Hawke you don't need to do this. At least not tonight."

"Yes I do. Now are you coming with me or not? I'm counting on you to be the one to get answers quick."

Aveline laughed and grabbed Hawkes arm to slow her pace so that Merrill could catch up to them.

"Where are we going?"

"To the Hanged Man to find a man willing to sell his sword."

"Why would you need a sword, is it for Aveline? Don't they give her a good one for being captain? Seems a captain should have a good sword."

Hawke stopped and began to laugh. She laughed so hard her belly hurt and tears ran down her face. Aveline was perplexed at first but the merriment became contagious and she found herself overcome as well.  
Merrill stared at both of them with a confused expression.

"Oh dear I missed something again didn't I? Was it dirty? I hate when I miss the dirty things."

"Merrill, you are always somehow exactly what I need."

"Good then I guess. But what did I do?"

"You were yourself as always Merrill and that's what's important." Aveline pulled her in for a one armed hug and they walked together down to Lowtown.

****

The Hanged Man was rather packed when they walked in. Aveline scanned the crowd looking for the face of any of the guards that the Seneschal had mentioned. Hawke and Merrill sat at a table near the bar looking for anyone spending a bit more coin than usual.

"I'm suprised Isabela isn't here. Another relic hunt? I wonder if she's found the other boot?" Hawke mused, Isabela had a knack for finding everything but her relic, whatever it was.

"Remember when the last cache she dug up had ten socks and none of them matched? What did she end up doing with them?"

"She sold them at the Black Emporium. Xenon was quite excited over the prospect. Made the little urchin that works for him check twice to make sure none matched. He said that matched socks were useless to him."

"Such a strange shop. I always feel like it's there and then it's not."

"The mirror there is the worst. It's never your face. Or it is but then it's not. Almost as though someone is changing your features slowly until it's just right."

Merrill was about to say something when Aveline came over to them. 

"Over there at the bar. That's Orwald one of the guards who failed to report. What's the plan?"

"I'll get him talking and if it looks as though he's our man, well then I'm sure his captain will have some ideas for what comes next."

Aveline smiled and made her way over to the other side of the bar out of sight. Hawke sidled up to Orwald, he was halfway into his cups and looked to be ready to spend more.

"Quite a bit of coin for this place." She said with a smirk.

"That's right. Tonight I'm paid and blessed. All I had to do was turn my head." 

"Is that so? Turn your head to what exactly?"

"Nothing you need worry about little lady. Best watch yourself, I've got friends here. We're going to teach this city what to do with heathen oxmen."

"Ah I see. Guard captain? Would you care to have a word with your man?" Hawke said with a wicked grin.

"Guard captain?" Orwald paled as he turned to face the fury that was Aveline. She grabbed him by the front of his tunic and stared him hard in the eyes.

"Who?"

"What?"

"Who?"

"What I don't understand?"

"Who bought you? Who bought the honor of a proud guard of Kirkwall and made him a drunken mabari bitch?"

"It was a Templar I swear it. He had the seal of the Grand cleric and everything. It's true I swear it."

"The penalty for abandoning your post is ten days on the wall. I expect you to report in the morning. Now go."

***  
Aveline walked with Hawke back to Hightown and stopped her when they reached her estate.

"Hawke, I know you're trying to distract yourself from well everything. But you need to stop and take a breath."

"Aveline, I appreciate the concern truly. But right now all I want to do is go to bed and hope that when I wake tomorrow everything hurts a little less. I have lost two friends in just two weeks, that tends to sting a bit."

"Fenris." Aveline began but Hawke cut her off.

"I don't want to talk about what happened with Fenris. Not when he isn't here and not when I haven't had a chance to speak to him. If I ever get that chance again." Hawke took a breath and continued.

"I know that what happened with Anders wasn't my fault. He would have snuck into the Gallows on his own eventually. What I blame myself for was not seeing what was happening to him. For not realizing the strength of his feelings."

"Anders chose to believe there was something between you that did not exist. He chose to allow himself to continue to wallow in the idea of what could be and didn't stop to realize it never would be."

Hawke nodded but said nothing. Aveline hugged her and bid her farewell.

Hawke entered her estate and trudged her way upstairs. She was about to enter her room when she heard her mother's bedroom door open.

"Marian?"

"Yes mother, sorry for coming home so late. Did I wake you?"

"No dear I've been waiting up for you. I haven't seen you in days. You're gone before breakfast and I don't even know when you are home at night."

"It's been a whirlwind kind of week."

"Marian something happened to you and it's my job as your mother to ask you if you're all right."

"I'm sorry I scared you."

"Please tell me what happened. You've never shut me out before, never like that. I was so grateful to Varric for pulling you out of whatever that was. But it hurt that I could not do it myself. You're my child and I'm supposed to heal your hurts."

She looked into her mother's eyes and saw her own pain reflected. The pain of not knowing, of doubt, and fear. Her breath hitched and she found herself on the brink of tears, but she held strong. 

"Fenris and I...."

"Oh, I see."

"Are you busy tomorrow?" Hawke asked quickly, a sudden idea coming to her.

"I have no plans."

"Want to spend the day with me? We can go shopping, you haven't bought me a dress covered in ruffles yet."

Leandra laughed softly and nodded.

"When you're ready to tell me I will be there to listen." She placed a kiss on Hawkes forehead and went off to bed. She awakened a few hours later to find her daughter climbing into bed with her.

"I had a nightmare." She said sounding again like the little girl who was still learning to face the fade at night. Leandra pulled her close and ran her fingers through her hair humming softly. Hawke held her mother close and fell back into sleep, the fade would not frighten her again this night. She was guarded by the love of her mother and nothing could ever break that shield.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back in the swing of things again. Anyone else feel like all the problems in the world can melt away when you hug your mom? I get like that sometimes.  
> Next chapter will be up in a few days. Have the basic outline written just need the dialogue.


	42. A Bittersweet Homecoming

Hawke would always remember the last day she spent with her mother as a perfect day. They had awoken with the sun and made breakfast together. They went to every store in Hightown and tried on everything that caught their eye. Hawke had even convinced her mother to try on armor just to see how it looked. In return she agreed to be measured and fitted for an evening gown. It was Orlesian style with a dropped neckline and a billowing skirt that made her feel like there was a constant wind going up her legs. 

She convinced Leandra to go to the Hanged Man for lunch. Varric joined them and entertained her mother with tales of her daughters exploits. He made sure to tone down the danger when necessary and Leandra found herself learning more of her child than she ever thought to. 

They had dinner at home and afterwards they settled in the library to share a bottle of wine. After she had finished her first glass Hawke finally told her mother everything that had happened. The trip to Sundermount that got them attacked by slavers, Fenris killing Hadriana and learning he had a sister, Aveline’s poor attempts at courting Donnic, Fenris coming to her bed and then leaving it, Anders in the gallows, the missing Qunari and the implications of templar involvement, and finally her fear that it was her own magic that had caused Fenris to run. That she feared in two days time she would have to accept that she was never seeing him again.

“I thought once that I would never see your father again.” She began with a sad smile on her face, remembering the husband who swept her off her feet.

“I told you how we met, there was a grand banquet for a visiting Orlesian duchess, the Gallows sent over some of their mages for entertainment. Your father caused a fiery hawk to burst from a candle that circled the room, it hovered over me briefly and when it flew back to him I was smitten. Your uncle Gamlen helped us meet each other secretly for months, but then I found myself with child, with you.”

“You were pregnant before you got married?”

“I was, and at first your uncle suggested I begin a dalliance with my betrothed, so I could claim the child was his to avoid the scandal. But I could not do it without seeing your father one last time. I went to him and told him everything, he took my hands in his and asked me to marry him and run away together, and I said yes.” She wiped a tear from her eyes and continued.

“Before we could get away though my parents found out. Father was furious, especially since Malcolm was a mage. ‘Magic already stains our blood and you would taint it further’, mother told him to let me ruin my life if I so chose, she never spoke to me again. My father sent men after your father but he had already escaped the Gallows. He sent me a letter saying he was going to Vinmark Mountains to assist the grey wardens and that when he returned we would be free. He was gone for weeks and I began to think he would never come back. My father seemed to believe it as well and gave me a choice. Choose my family or Malcolm. I could keep my name, my home, everything even you. But I could never see Malcolm again. For a brief moment I almost agreed to what he was offering. I was so afraid your father wasn’t coming back. But then I remembered everything we had gone through to be together and knew he would come back. I told my father that Malcolm would return and when he did I would leave with him, and I did. The last ting my father said to me was “You are not an Amell, and I am no longer your father.” 

“I remember the first time you ever brought Fenris over. He was sullen and barely spoke two words to me. Over time and with food it seems he opened up. You changed him Marian, and he changed you. I don’t think you would have dealt with your brother leaving as well as you did without him there to comfort you. I won’t pretend to understand what happened to him exactly, only that it seems he was faced with something he wasn’t ready for yet. Give him time, and give yourself time as well. You’ve never been in love so you have no idea the crazy things it can do to you.”

“Do you ever regret it mother? Did you ever once regret leaving all of this for father?”

“Not once, well briefly the first time I ever attempted to cook. You love my food now but when you were a baby I couldn’t boil water without burning the pot it was in. your father was my love and my dearest and truest friend. I could never regret having that. It also brought me you, Carver and Bethany. Who could regret having all of that?”

When Hawke went to sleep that night she felt for the first time in weeks that things would actually work themselves out for the better. She need only get through the next day and then she could face whatever was to come. So long as she remembered the love she came from, and the love that had brought her into this world.

****

Fenris could see Hightown from a mile away. The buildings came into focus as they came closer. He felt for the first time in his life that he was coming home. Kirkwall had become his home, from Hightown to Lowtown even down in Darktown; the city was his to call on. She was there somewhere in that sprawl. Would he be able to face her, would she even face him?

“Looks so much different from far away doesn’t it?” Davin remarked to him. Within hours of their departure from Tantervale Fenris finally asked for his name. Davin had laughed and asked what had taken him so long. Fenris remarked that his name was important now because he wanted to know what to call him beyond friend.

“You can’t see the Gallows or the docks. Just Hightown stretching out to the sky. The chantry towers make for quite a sight when the light hits them just right.”  
“Do you make this journey often then?”

“Every three months, got to keep goods flowing and the pay is good enough to justify leaving my family for so long. Used to bring my wife with me, but with the Tal-Vashoth in the mountains, and raiders on the coast I won’t risk her or our children.”

They reached Hightown and Fenris saw his first familiar face, Aveline, waiting for him in the merchants square. They nodded to one another and Fenris went to say good bye to his traveling companion. He allowed Davin to embrace him in a chest crushing hug.

“Now remember idle hands will never do your mind any good. Next time your head gets all caught up in whatever mess you make of it, start carving again. Let your hands do your thinking for you."

Fenris nodded and made his way to Aveline. He readied himself for a punch, a kick, even a scowl. Instead he received a firm handshake that turned into his second crushing hug of the day.

"You were missed greatly."

"I didn't expect to see anyone. How did you know when I would be arriving?"

"I'm captain of the guard I know every shipment that comes in and out of this city. Also Varric told me, thought it would be best for a friend to be here when you arrived."

"I was not expecting your greeting to be warm; I was prepared for a punch at least."

"For what exactly?"

"For what I did to her."

"I may act like the mother hen of this bunch but I am not about to start laying out punishments. Especially when I don't know both sides of the story. I know what she told me and what Varric walked in on when he went to confront you. I know you feel regret for your actions, and I know she holds herself to blame for this as much as you."

"She shouldn't, this, none of this was her doing."

"She will believe what she wants to Fenris. You didn't exactly give her a chance to learn other wise."

"I know I shouldn't have left the way I did. But I." Fenris found he was unable to say the words he had told himself time and again he would say. That he was afraid. That he was and always would be an escaped slave, so long as Danarius lived. That he did not wish to drag her further into his chaos anymore than he had. That leaving was the hardest thing he had ever done. That he had stared into the fire for so long he had seen flames behind his eyes for hours. That all he wanted to do was lay next to her again and smell her hair and listen to her heartbeat.

"I have only one question. Are you staying?"

"In Kirkwall you mean?"

"Yes."

"It's my home Aveline. I can't leave, not when you are all here."

"Good, now we're going to the barracks to chat. A lot has happened while you've been away."

"Is she?"

"I don't know where she is today. Also she is under the impression that your caravan is returning tomorrow."

"Why?"

"In case you didn't come back. Varric and I had a plan in place for every possible outcome. Only one of them involved hunting you down if it makes you feel any better."

Years ago a joke about being hunted down would have earned Aveline his ire and a few choice words. But he saw now the mirth in her statement, the laughter behind her eyes.

"I am difficult to find. Danarius still hasn't caught me and he's had six years." Fenris said with a grin.

"Danarius isn't from Ferelden."

****

Hawke awoke that morning with a spring in her step that she had not had in weeks. She kissed her mother goodbye and made her way to Lowtown to spend the day with Varric and Merrill. She would ask herself time and again if the white lilies had been there when she left or if they had come afterwards. She would forever wonder if she had simply missed them, and if she could have stopped what happened that day.

She met with Varric at the bottom of the steps to Lowtown, he was chatting up Lady Elegant and from the looks of it, the conversation was quite flirty.

“My dear Lady, I would never presume to try and find a better herbalist than you. I am simply asking you to give me a slightly discounted price. What with our shared history together and a long friendship that predates even your noble marriage.”

“Varric if I didn’t know any better I would think that had a hint of blackmail in it. Very well, you’ll get a lowered price for this one. But only because it’s a modified version. You’d pay full price for the original.”

“A thousand thanks to you my sweet.” Varric kissed her hand and gave a wink to Hawke.

“What was that about?” Hawke asked as they walked towards the alienage.

“Oh I’m just trying to get my hands on Elegant's rock armor potion. I’ve got a bet going on with Isabela and I’ve just won it.”

“You know what, I don’t want to know. For once I really don’t want to know.”

Varric chuckled and pocketed the potion bottle. When they reached the alienage they were suddenly approached by a forlorn looking elven woman. She had the markings of the Dalish yet her clothing showed she lived in the alienage. It took Hawke a moment but familiarity kicked in and she realized who it was.

“Arianni, are you all right?”

“Hello Hawke, I have been better. Please have you heard from Feynriel? He refuses to answer my letters and Ser Thrask has told me he cannot force him to read the letters I send.”

Hawke had received one letter from Feynriel since she sent him to the circle. It had been full of sadness and misgivings. He did not trust the circle to help him with his abilities and believed he would be forced to undergo the Rite of Tranquility if he could not learn to control his powers. His nightmares were becoming more and more vivid and he said the voices were louder every night. Hawke could do nothing for him without revealing herself as a mage so she sent him whatever books she could and hoped he would find a way. She was not about to begin to tell his mother these things. She did not need to be burdened further.

“I have not heard from him in months. Only one letter shortly after I sent him to the circle, if you’d like I can send him a letter on your behalf in hopes he will actually read it.”

“Thank you so much. You have done so much for me by simply finding him when you did. There is nothing I could ever do to repay you.”

“The bit of coin you gave me all those years ago went towards getting me get into the deep roads; you have helped me just as much as I helped you.” 

As she walked away Varric turned to her with a questioning look.

“That was a lie wasn’t it?”

“Not completely, I simply left out the detail about him fearing he will be forced to become tranquil. She doesn’t need to know that. I will write to him however. Hopefully I can talk some sense into him. Shouldn’t be worrying his mother like that.”

“You’re one to talk about worrying mothers. I’m surprised she hasn’t tried to lock you up after all the trouble you’ve gotten yourself into.”

“She wouldn’t know about most of it if you would stop telling bloody stories about me in the Hanged Man.”

“Hawke I’m hurt, I thought your favorite thing about me was my bawdy tales and dirty humor.”

“I do love all of that about you, I just hate hearing people say ‘Hawke is seven feet tall and shoots fire from her asshole’.”

“What? I’ve never told that story. Besides you’re what five feet tall give or take?”

Hawke groaned out loud at the dwarfs jest. 

“I know all us humans look the same to you, but you are the last person who is allowed to make a joke about height. Besides you know I'm not that short, Merrill is that short, and you’re even shorter.”

“I’m a dwarf; I’m supposed to be short.” Varric knocked twice on Merrill’s door and walked in. as they entered she popped her head out her bedroom.

“Oh good you’re here. I’ve got something to show you, come and see.”

They walked into her bedroom and standing in the corner was what appeared to be a broken mirror. Its brass frame was bent in places and the bottom decoration looked like a gnarled serpent rising up to devour itself. The glass was cloudy in places and cracked open down the middle. Merrill stared at it adoringly and Varric and Hawke shared a puzzled look between one another.

“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” she asked them.

“Not as pretty as you are.” Hawke said.

“Oh stop that, I bet you say that to Varric at least twice a day.”

“More than twice she can barely keep her hands off me. Too bad I’m not into humans.” Varric said with a laugh as he hopped up to sit on the bed.

“I’ve spent the last few years trying to restore it. Two of my clan members found it in the Bracelian forest we think. Poor Tamlen, we never found him, and Mahariel; she died of the Blight just days later. The shattered pieces of the Eluvian were all the evidence of what happened to them.”

“What exactly are you trying to do with this mirror?”

“It’s called an Eluvian. At first I was trying to find Tamlen, but it had been too long. When Mahariel died I realized what had probably happened to him as well. Now I am trying to restore one small part of my people’s heritage.”

“What is an eluvian exactly Merrill?”

“Long ago the elves had a kingdom that spread across all of Thedas. Every city had an eluvian, they used them to communicate across their empire, but I still don’t know how exactly. My people have lost so much; we barely know anything about the days before the fall of Arlathan. This is a piece of our history.

“You said it killed someone though?”

“Its not dangerous anymore I swear. I cleansed it with….blood magic.”

“Merrill.”

“Blood magic is magic Hawke. I don’t sacrifice anyone; I don’t use anyone else’s but my own. Give me a bit of faith please. I know what I am doing and I have this under control.”

“I believe you Merrill but sometimes I worry for you.”

“That’s not why I asked you to see it. I need your help. The eluivan doesn’t work, I've tried everything and I think it’s because it needs to be fixed with a special tool. An arulin’holm, my clan has one, been in its hands for generations.”

“You’re afraid to face the keeper aren’t you?”

“Yes, you have no idea Hawke. The keeper and I, well we, it’s just. I can’t talk to her at all, or we fight, and we end up talking circles around each other. She has this disappointed frown that turns your bones to jelly. Please Hawke please go with me.”

Hawke’s eyebrows knitted together in frustration. This was the answer to the question of why Merrill had left her clan. A secret she had kept for years and now she knew why. She had always thought that Merrill’s dealings in blood magic had just been dalliances, simple spells to see what worked. Now she realized just how far into Merrill had gone. She remembered Anders and what turning away from him had caused. She would not have the fate befall Merrill.

“All right, I will go with you. Though I don’t see how I will be able to help. I’m a shem remember?”

“Hawke I don’t see you that way. I promise I will repay you for this. Ma’serannas.”

 

****

“Anders is gone?” Fenris was baffled and completely overwhelmed after being told all that had gone on while he was away. 

Aveline nodded gravely. She did not tell him all the details. As far as she knew Hawke had not told anyone but her about Anders trying to force himself on her. If Hawke chose to share that detail then she could on her own terms. She told him about the killer and how it was connected to the incident that had nearly gotten Hawke killed. 

“Give me a moment Aveline; this is a lot to process. Anders convinced her to sneak into the Gallows with him, and he ended up killing a mage when Justice took over. So Hawke sent him away. The man who kidnapped that Orlesian wife has killed others and is in the city. A Qunari delegate has gone missing and templar are the likely suspect and the Viscount is asking Hawke to be the one to look into it. What didn’t happen while I was gone?”

“Isabela still hasn’t found the relic and Varric still hasn’t published the next chapter to Hard in Hightown.”

Fenris chuckled and shook his head. For all the time he spent missing Hawke he had forgotten just how much he had missed the rest of them. Aveline was the mother, always looking out for them. Varric was the uncle who always knew what to say. Merrill and Isabela were like a pair of mismatched twins who only managed to cause more mischief when they were apart. And Hawke, she was their shared bond, the glue that held them together through it all. He could never leave all this, no matter what happened.

“If it’s all right with you I’m going to head home. Its getting late and id very much like to rest.” Fenris said wearily.

“Go on then. Are you going to see her?”

“Tonight? No, tomorrow though yes. I will go see her. Do you think she will want to see me though?”

“Yes Fenris, I do think she will. She has missed you. You two were joined at the hip for so long. She seemed lost without you at times.”

Fenris sighed and left Aveline’s office. He saw Donnic as he left and gave a friendly wave. It felt good to be back, even if he was still apprehensive about what was to come.

****

“Enchantment?” Sandal said excitedly.

“No Leandra, can I see her where is she?” Gamlen answered back frustrated.

“Enchantment!” Sandal yelled back.

“No, Leandra. Lee. Ann. Drah. My sister you daft dwarf!” Screamed Gamlen.

“Uncle he doesn’t respnd to screaming.” Hawke said walking into the foyer seeing her uncle yelling at Sandal.

“There you are. Where’s your mother? Is she feeling all right?” Gamlen said with a sigh of relief.

“She’s fine, why do you ask?”

“Your mother didn’t show up for our weekly visit. She is here, isn’t she?”

“No Gamlen, I haven’t seen her since this morning. She may very well be out with her suitor.” Said Bodahn walking in to see what all the fuss was about. 

“Suitor? Leandra doesn’t have a suitor, she would have told me.” Gamlen said getting more and more angry.

“Well those lilies arrived for her this morning.” Bodahn said gesturing to the bouquet of white lilies on the side table.

Hawke felt her blood run cold and her breath stop. White lilies and her mother nowhere to be found.

“Marian, what’s wrong?” said Gamlen seeing the look of terror on his nieces face.

“There’s a killer in Kirkwall who sends his victims white lilies before he takes them. He’s already murdered several women.” She said feeling as though she was outside her own body. The words were coming out but she was barely registering that she was saying them.

“No, you’re wrong, Leandra is fine. Maybe she took another path to my house and I missed her. I’m going back to Lowtown you’ll see. She’ll be there waiting for me wondering where I’ve gone off to.”

Bodahn said something to her about helping Gamlen track down her mother but she didn’t hear him. Her blood pounded and there was a ringing in her ears. The killer had her mother. She needed to find her, she needed to leave, her feet would not cooperate.

“Messere?” Bodahn asked hesitiantly.

Hawke looked at him with anger and fear brunging in her eyes. Bodahn stepped away nervously and put an arm around Sandal.

“The boy and I will stay here, in case she returns.”

Hawke ran upstairs and grabbed her staff and two daggers. She filled her bag with as many health and lyrium potions as she could find in her room and came charging down the stairs and out the front door. 

She didn’t know what made her turn to look towards Viscounts Keep in that moment. But when she did her heart jumped into her throat. Standing at the bottom of the stairs was Fenris. She called out to him her voice full of desperation and panic.

“Fenris, a killer has my mother!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***WE INTERRUPT THIS FAN FICTION TO ALERT YOU TO THE APPROACH OF HURRICANE JOAQUIN***  
> No seriously I was in the middle of writing this chapter when my roommate came home with a ton of groceries. Says the storm could either hit the Carolinas or come for us here in New Jersey. Some of you might remember the last hurricane that hit us was Sandy. There are still places on the shore that haven't fully recovered. Here's hoping we don't get hit too hard this year. 
> 
> Anyway, I am really happy with this chapter. I feel my writing style has improved with each new one I write and that my vocabulary has increased somewhat. Still get a bit peeved at myself for using the word said too many times, but honestly sometimes it just works. Hope you enjoy, I know whats coming is sad, but I planned it this way for many reasons. Fenris is back and he's got some very important things to tell Hawke.


	43. All That Remains

Fenris didn't know what had compelled him to idle at the bottom of the stairs to the Viscount's Keep. Perhaps it was to steal a lingering glance towards her estate. He did not intend to go to her yet. She was not expecting him to return until the next day and he had planned to give himself some time to think about what he wanted to say.  
He had not seen her since their night together. When Varric had told him of the job he had of course been apprehensive. Two weeks had seemed like too long to be away. But that was before he had gone and done the unthinkable.

When she came bursting out of her estate staff in hand he had been snapped out of his reverie. She turned and looked at him. Her eyes widening as they met his. He thought she would turn and leave but instead she called out to him.

"Fenris, a killer has my mother!"

He did not hesitate to run towards her and they took off towards Lowtown. They heard a loud bark behind them and Tiny came running out of the estate after them. The hound obviously sensing there was trouble.

"You're back. You weren't supposed to be back until tomorrow." Hawke said accusingly as they raced towards the staircase.

"Apparently Varric and Aveline wanted to make sure I was coming back so they arranged to have notice if I didn't return. Aveline met me this morning. She's told me everything that happened while I was gone."

"There were white lilies Fenris. It's him, he has her and I need to save her."

"We will find her Hawke. I swear it."

They found Gamlen interrogating a young boy with Varric and Merrill looking on.

"Hawke what's going on?" Varric asked worriedly, careful to not make mention of the fact that Fenris was standing there with her. He knew that the elf had returned when Aveline didn't send for him.

"The killer, Varric, he has my mother. There were white lilies, they arrived this morning."

Gamlen coerced the boy with coin to tell them when and where he had seen Leandra last. He told them she was coming down the stairs when a man collapsed in front of her. She helped him up and proceeded to help him along. The boy pointed towards the foundry and said that was the way they went.

Tiny began sniffing around the area where the boy had said the man collapsed. There appeared to be a small puddle of blood congealing on the pavement. Tiny looked up at her and barked, telling his mistress he had found the scent they wanted.

He took off and they followed. He would stop at a winding corner and smell the ground searching to find the same scent. When he finally came to a stop Hawke felt a sense of recognition of the area.

"Why does this place seem so familiar to me?" She asked out loud.

"It's where we found the hand of the Orlesians wife." Merrill said with a shudder.

"This is where you nearly died."

Tiny followed the scent and found a trap door they had missed the last time they were there. Missed because we were too busy being ambushed Hawke thought to herself. The door led down into a cellar and as they approached what appeared to be a makeshift bedroom they were once again attacked by shades. This time they were ready.

“You would think at this point someone would pay us to write a book on how to kill these things.” Hawke said as she slammed the blade of her staff through one.

“I’ll ask my publisher; see what sort of royalties we can get for it.” Varric replied firing three shots at another.

“Are you two seriously going to carry on a conversation while these things are trying to kill us?” Fenris yelled leaping to strike down a shade that was trying to corner Merrill.

“This is what happens when you go away Fenris; you forget what we’re like.” Merrill said with a laugh as she hurled a stone fist that took out the last of them.

Hawke examined the altar that was set up in the middle of the room while Varric rifled through the papers on a nearby desk. There was a painting of a woman who bore a very striking resemblance to her mother. On the ground in front of it was her mother’s locket, a gift from her father. She picked it up and held it close to her chest.

“Look at this Hawke; it’s a letter from DePuis.” Varric said handing it over to her.

Quentin,  
How could you abandon me? I could have helped you; we could have unlocked all the secrets of necromancy together. I have the woman you were hunting. Come find me or I swear I will track you down and steal all your secrets.  
Gascard

“That bastard, he knew who it was. He was working with him!” Hawke cried out crumbling the paper in her fist. She stormed off down the passageway with the rest of them following. Fenris and Varric exchanged worried looks.

They came to another room with wooden cots and several broken bottles strewn about. There was a body lying on a cot it’s back turned to them.

“Mother!” Hawke yelled running over. She turned the body over fearing the worst. But it wasn’t her mother. It was the woman DePuis had been keeping at his estate when they had broken in.

“Alessa.” Hawke said with a slump to her shoulders. They should have tried to find her. Should have gone after her, to protect her.

“Keep going. We have to find my mother.”

They continued down the narrow passages of the cellar until they finally came to an open room. A tall mage with graying hair and wide eyes stood up to see them come in. A woman sat in a chair facing him, her arms hanging at her sides.

“I was wondering if you would find me, Leandra was insistent that you would come.”

“Quentin I presume, where is my mother?”

“Oh she is here and she will stay here with me forever. Your mother was chosen because she is special, part of a greater puzzle than you could ever understand.”

“Enough with the demented rambling give me back my mother!”

“I told you she is here. She’s been waiting here for you. I have done the impossible; I have touched the face of the Maker himself, and lived. Do you know what the strongest force in the universe is? It is not rage, desire, pride, or even lust. It is love, love enabled me to piece her back together from memory, and I found her eyes, her gentle hands, and finally at last her face. I found her beautiful glorious face! I have searched far and wide to find my wife again, and nothing is ever going to take her away from me again!” 

He helped the woman to her feet and as she turned around Hawke begged her mind to wake up. It had to be a dream, this wasn’t happening. The woman’s skin was a terrible grey; her hands had stitches where they were attached to her arms. But the horror was realizing that the woman had her mothers head sewn onto its body. Her mothers eyes now lifeless pools of black staring at her. Hawke stood still in shock and didn’t realize that Quentin had cast a spirit bolt straight at her chest.

Fenris felt the spell as it was being cast. He charged forward and slammed into Hawke bringing her to the ground as the bolt soared over them. She looked into his eyes and all he saw in her was despair. He had to break her from it if they were going to survive.

“No Hawke, not now, you must fight!” He yelled bringing her to her feet. She swung her staff out and cast a wall of ice at the oncoming spell from Quentin. He nodded to her and they stood back to back fending off the skeletons Quentin had summoned up from the ground. She called down a firestorm that rained over them, his brands flaring up feeling her magic swirl around them. He breathed deep and felt himself phase out as he ghosted across the room his sword arcing out destroying everything in its path. He turned again to find Hawke throwing her dagger across the room where it embedded itself into Quentin’s eye. He collapsed to ground dead. She ran forward to catch her mother as she fell; the magic that kept her alive was lost with the death of the madman who created her.

“I knew you would come for me.” Leandra said as she lay in Hawke’s arms.

“I tried to get here faster, tried to stop him.” Hawke bit back tears as she watched her mother slowly die in her arms.

“Don’t fret my little bird. That man wanted to keep me here, a prisoner. You set me free. Bethany and your father are waiting for me. Take care of Carver, be there for him. I don’t want you to be alone. Remember to love my darling, always remember to love.”

“I will mother, I promise I will.”

“My little girl, so strong, you’ve grown up to be so strong. I love you; you have always made me so proud.” The light left Leandra’s eyes and Hawke could only sit and stare. Varric helped her back to her feet. Told her he'd get someone down there to bring the body to the chantry. That all arrangements would be taken care of. She didn't take more than two steps before she collapsed, reaching her hands out to the body that was all that was left of her mother.

Fenris went to her and pulled her close; putting his arms under her legs he lifted her, cradling her to his chest. 

"I'm taking you home Hawke. You don't need to see this anymore."

He made it as far as the steps to Lowtown before she finally spoke.

“You can put me down now Fenris, I can walk.” He set her down gently and walked beside her up the stairs to Hightown. They did not speak until they reached the door to her estate.

“Thank you for escorting me. You can go home now. Gamlen will probably be coming back soon. I will need to tell him what happened.”

“Are you sure?” He reached out to her but she shied away from him. 

“I need to talk to Gamlen alone.”

“Hawke I am so sorry.”

“I know.” She turned away and went to open the door to her estate, Fenris started to walk away when he heard her say his name.

“I’m glad you came back.” She said before shutting the door.

Hawke went into the library and added more logs to the fire that was dying in the fireplace. Bodahn tried to help but she sent him away. She heard the front door open and Gamlen's voice echoing through the hallways. She sat down in a chair in front of the fire and waited for him to walk in.

“Where is she? Did you find her?”

Hawke stared into the flames refusing to look up at him. She willed herself to remain calm.

“I’m sorry uncle, she’s gone.”

“You were right about the flowers then. Maker I can’t believe she’s actually gone.”

“I was too late.”

“So you’re to blame then! If you had been quicker or stronger she, she would be. Why her? Why Leandra?” he sobbed, tears beginning to stream down his face.

“The killer used her to reconstruct his dead wife. They had the same face.” Hawke said standing up, still refusing to look at anything but the flames. Someone else needed to know the horror she had seen. She could not be the only one to feel the agony.

“What sort of senseless magic is that? Oh Maker! Maybe the templars are right after all! Lock all the damn mages up, throw away the key!” Gamlen said pacing about the library.

“Magic didn’t kill my mother. A madman did it, he could have just has easily done it with a knife.” Hawke said finally turning to face him. She would not have all magic blamed for what was done to her mother. She would not allow herself to be cast as a villain for what one insane mage had done.

“I’m sorry Marian. I shouldn’t have said that. I just wish you hadn’t told me, I wish I had never asked. I don’t want to see you locked away. You’re all the hope that’s left for this family. Just tell me; did you kill the bastard that did this?”

“Yes.”

“Good, I hope it hurt whatever you did to him. You’ve had a long day. I’ll go to the Gallows and talk to Carver. He’ll need to know. Take care, my dear.” 

Hawke sat back down and stared into the flames. When the fire finally died she went upstairs and stood outside her mother’s room. She looked in and told herself that it would stay that way forever. She shut the door and swore to never open it again. Orana had built up another fire for her in her bedroom. She lay down on the bed and stared at the ceiling, wondering if maybe she could lay there and let the world just pass her by.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as many of you know, having read up to this point. I have written many chapters ahead of their time in the story. All of them, with the exception of this one and the next have been published already. This was something that just came to me. I knew how hard it would be to write this, because it was such an emotional moment. Yet one night after I had published chapter 5 or 6 my mind suddenly had the beginnings of this chapter in it. I knew Fenris would leave and come back, I needed to have him come back when Hawke would need him most. Anyway thanks again for the kudos and the comments. I actually really love the comments keep them coming.  
> Also if you want hit me up on tumblr  
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/cherryquinn


	44. My Heart is Yours

She felt like she was in a dream. She wasn't sure if two hours or two days had passed. The only way to tell the time was by the food being brought to her room by Orana. After the first two trays went uneaten she started to just bring tea. How many cups of tea had been left to go cold? She had lost count.

 

She formed a fireball between her hands. Seeing how much control she could exert over it. How long she could hold it until it started to burn her. Would she have been better off not being a mage? Would that have saved Mother? Would that have saved Bethany? Would it have saved Father? 

 

"I don't know what to say but I am here." Fenris stood in her doorway. He wore none of his armor just like the night he had come to her last. He didn't know if she would want him there. He wasn't even sure he was doing the right thing by being there. All he knew was that he couldn't let her be alone. 

 

"Is it my fault? Could I have done something different?" She asked allowing him to walk in.

 

"Are you asking me for answers or just asking questions there are no answers to?" 

"Aren't there answers?" 

"You are seeking forgiveness for something you are not responsible for." 

 

"Maybe you're right about mages. Perhaps we should all be locked away. I should go to the Gallows tomorrow. Throw myself at the mercy of the Templars and beg them to take me." Her uncles words were still running through her head. She had dismissed him at first. But now it was all she could think about. 

 

Fenris kneeled in front of her and took her hands into his own. Her soft fingers contrasting with his scarred ones.

"You are the only mage I have ever met who has never given me reason to mistrust them. I have watched you cast down fire and lightning on our enemies while never striking one of us. I have seen you use your force magic to pull enemies away from us before they can strike. I have felt the waves of your healing magic wash over my wounds and never once did did it hurt me. You are unlike any mage I have ever known. If you give yourself over to the Templars, know that you are sentencing me to death because they will surely kill me for trying to steal you back." 

 

Hawke took a deep breath and suddenly the tears she had been holding in for days finally broke free. She felt herself suddenly unburdened with the need to be strong for everyone around her. She could let go. She could mourn them, all of them.

Fenris sat on the bed next to her and pulled her into an embrace. He held her head against his chest and softly stoked her hair as her tears fell into his lap.

"Please don't leave me. I can't do this alone please. I don't want to be alone." She begged, her fingers clawing into his chest as though he might run away. 

"I'm here Marian."  
***

The morning light woke her and she knew Orana must have opened the curtains finally. She could tell immediately her head was not on her pillow. Her pillow wasn't hard and it didn't move as it breathed. She opened her eyes and looked up to see Fenris. She had fallen asleep on his chest, her arm sprawled across him and her legs tangled in his. He had one arm curled over her shoulder and the other rested across his stomach his hand entwined with hers. She closed her eyes and tried to will herself back to sleep. To hold onto him just a little longer. His arm tightened around her and she knew he had awoken.

"Hawke?" 

"Hi." She looked up at him and tried to smile. He pulled her closer to him so their eyes could meet.

"How do you feel?" 

"Like I released over thirteen years of pent up sadness in just a few short hours. Oh and like I slept on a very soft rock." 

"You haven't cried in thirteen years?" He asked staring into her eyes seeing the pain that was still there, try as she might to mask it.

 

"I couldn't, someone had to be the strong one. When my father died my mother just shut down. It was up to me to look after the twins. I just didn't realize how much I had held onto for so long. I cried for him, for Bethany, and for my mother last nignt. I finally mourned. Thank you for staying."

 

"I couldn't leave you to face this alone Hawke, not after what I...” he looked away from her then. Ashamed at himself.

"No, don't do that, we swore no more apologizing." Hawke sat up and took his hands into hers. 

"I won't say I'm not upset at how things turned out. I won't even say I wasn't hurt that night. I will say that not seeing you over the last two weeks hurt more. You are my friend Fenris. My closest and dearest friend. That means more to me than anything."

"I don't know what to say. I don't even know what I should say." He was lying to her. He knew exactly what needed to be said. But he couldn't bring himself to admit to her that her touch alone brought him more pleasure than anything else in this world. But the fear of letting himself be open and vulnerable was too much to bear. That him still being a slave made it so he could never truly be with her. Not while Denarius still lived.

"Don't say anything Fenris. Just promise to always be my friend. I can't bear to lose you in that way."

"I want to give you everything Hawke. I truly want to."

"But you are not free to do it."

"Not free yet." 

She remembered then something her mother said about her courtship with her father. That it took time, but because they truly wished to be together, they found a way. She slid out of bed and went over to her dressing table and began searching through the drawers. 

"Without all my hair I don't have much use for ribbons anymore." She turned around and had in her hands a long red ribbon that she used to braid through her plait. She felt a small bit of sadness remembering shearing off her hair. Seeing it fall to the floor of the Deep Roads.  
She sat down on the bed next to him and taking his hand in her lap she began to wrap her ribbon around his wrist.

"When my mother was growing up in Kirkwall she said the nobles who were courting exchanged favors with one another. Some sort of symbol for others to see and gossip about. The men probably had the women's crests on their doublet and the women a necklace or ring. Something showing exactly who it was they were involved with."

"So this ribbon is your favor to me?"

"This ribbon shows that part of me belongs to you, so long as you wear it.

"I cannot accept you waiting for me to be free of my burdens. I am not a whole man Hawke. I don't know if I ever will be. You deserve someone who will give you more." 

"Why don't you let me decide what I deserve. Fenris, my mother abandoned her entire life, a fiance, a title, everything to be with the man she loved. To willingly live in near poverty and almost always on the run simply for love."

"Hawke, Marian, I." 

"Fenris, I love you. If it means never having to say good bye to you again I will wait. I will never stop believing that you will be free to come back to me. Until then I aceept whatever it is you can give me."

Fenris looked down at the red ribbon tied around his wrist. A symbol of her love for him. Something to always remind him that she was there. He felt tears brim in his eyes and he held them back. No, he would be stoic for her. Now was not the time to be falling apart. 

"Thank you Hawke. It is the best gift I have ever been given." 

"Well anything is better than giving a book to someone who can't read." He laughed remembering the first present she ever gave him, besides her friendship that is.

"I have a gift for you as well. Though I did not bring it with me. My journey took me to Tantervale and I found myself buying things for all of you."

"I look forward to receiving it."

The gift giving would need to wait another day though. Hawke realized bitterly that her mother's funeral was that afternoon when she saw the black dress Orana had laid out for her. Fenris bid her goodbye with the promise he would return to escort her to the chantry. She bathed herself and washed away the last two days of dirt and the last two weeks of sadness.

She pondered what she had said to Fenris and he to her, and what the others might think. Isabela would probably call her a fool for promising herself to a man who ran away after one night of sex. Merrill would call it sweet and probably tell her of some story of her clan doing something similar. Varric would change the whole story until Fenris sweeped her off her feet and carried her into the bed chamber. Aveline would probably be the only one who would understand. Hawke realized just how much she needed her mother and how much she was going to miss her.

The funeral was attended by all of Hightown and a very large portion of Lowtown as well. Fenris didn't know if Hawke realized that so many had come simply to give condolences to her. It had settled on him and Varric to way lay much of the crowd to give Hawke and Carver their space. Reunited very briefly to share in their grief. 

There was no body. Varric had arranged for Leandra to be cremated before her services were carried out. He knew Hawke would not want to see the body again and no doubt there would be the horrible sort of people who would show up just to see what it looked like.

The grand cleric spoke a few words about Leandra. She spoke of knowing her as a child. Of her time away from Kirkwall and her return. Of her generosity to the refugees from Ferelden and her love for her children. No mention was made however of her apostate husband. No talk of the magic running through her blood line. Nothing of her sacrifice to give her children a normal life despite being on the run. Hawke thought bitterly that no one would know again just how much her mother had loved her husband and children despite the magic they carried. That through it all, love was all that mattered. 

She walked down to the docks with her brother. They spoke very little save a few promises to write more. Carver shook hands with Varric and Fenris, pulled Merrill into a giant bear hug and asked her to write him as well. Hawke raised an eyebrow at hearing that. Isabela and Aveline were given friendly nods, he was still sore at being hit by both of them. When it was her turn Hawke wrapped her arms around him as best she could, he seemed to have gotten bigger.

"I'm sorry." She whispered to him.

"I know, but it wasn't your fault. None of them died because of you. I love you Marian." He whispered back.  
She wiped away the tears as she waved goodbye to him. They stood there on the docks together watching the ferry carry him back to the Gallows. 

They walked back to her estate and sat on cushions in the library. Bottles of wine were passed around and they all shared stories of Leandra. Varric told them all the story of the time she made tea for a group of Carta thugs who came round looking for Gamlen. Isabela had them all laughing when she spoke of the many times Leandra tried her best to suggest in subtle ways that she might want to try wearing pants once in awhile. Merrill remembered fondly that Leandra always treated all of them like her children. Fenris said he would miss her cooking the most. Hawke smiled listening to all of them and their memories. 

"Leandra was my one and only true friend." Gamlen shocked them all when he came into the room. 

"All my life she was there for me. When she received praise or a treat, she always asked where mine was. She was more than just my sister. I know I made a fuss about you all living with me. I should have told her that it felt wonderful to have her back. That it felt like it used to when we were young."

Hawke stood up and went to her uncle. He balked at first but then accepted the hug she gave him. 

"You are more like her than you realize Marian." He said before leaving.

There was a long period of silence after he left, and Isabela was the one to break it.

"Marian?" She said with a smile.

"You never knew my first name did you?"

"Truth be told Hawke, I don't think any of us knew." Said Varric.

"I did." Everyone turned to look at Fenris, a smug grin across his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is by far my favorite chapter that I have written. The words they say to eachother are magic to me. I always felt that Fenris wasn't given nearly enough of a chance to explain himself. So I gave him the opportunity to do so.  
> I've always felt like DA2, is just Varric telling the story in a way that gave Cassandra just enough information. He wouldn't share the more intimate things that went on in his friends life.  
> Hope you enjoyed this, because I really enjoyed writing it.


	45. Just like Old Times

Within a week of the funeral Hawke was slowly becoming more like herself again. There were moments where they could all see the pain in her eyes. But as quickly as it came it would leave. As though she were willing herself to move on. Varric suggested a night of Wicked Grace in hopes to bring back some semblance of what their lives used to be. Hawke immediately jumped at the idea and let slip that Fenris had gifts for all of them. 

This is how he found himself standing outside her estate unsure if he should walk down with her as they used to. He spent what felt like an hour lifting his hand to knock and then changing his mind. He would go to walk away and turn back around, endlessly questioning what he should do. He finally mustered up the courage to knock when the door opened. Hawke stood in the opening with a wry smile on her face. 

“Just how long were you planning to keep going back and forth before you finally knocked on my door?”

“That depends, how long were you watching?”

“Long enough to have a laugh and pour a glass of wine, two glasses actually.”

She stepped away from the door leaving it open as an invitation for him to step inside. He hesitated again momentarily, still finding himself unsure of how he should behave around her. He shook of his feelings of uneasiness and followed her inside, shutting the door behind him. He found her in the library with two glasses of wine and a stack of books in front of her. She handed a glass to him and gestured for him to join her on the couch.

“May I ask what the books are for?” Fenris could think of no other way to break the silence between them.

“They are for you. I picked through my entire library looking for things I thought you would find enjoyable. There are adventure stories, history books, and one of Varric’s works in there as well.”

“I have already read all of Hard in Hightown.”

“This is one of his earlier works. Its called The Vipers Nest, the main character is an elf actually.”

“And you thought this would be of interest to me because I am an elf?” Fenris asked with a raised eyebrow. Hawke smacked him with a pillow and laughed.

“No you ass, I simply thought you might enjoy reading a mystery novel is all. Finish up that wine, I have a need to either gain or lose a fair amount of money tonight.”

***  
The walk to Lowtown was not a silent one. He had forgotten how much he enjoyed listening to her talk. Her eyes would light up when she was excited about the subject. She would gesture wildly with her hands, especially when she had a point to prove. So he watched and listened to her go on about all that had happened while he was away. Aveline had given him just a brief glimpse, the facts, pure and simple. Hawke gave him the details and the emotions that came along with them.

“So I'm charging my way down to the Hanged Man, when of course Aveline catches up to me. She’s going on about getting some sleep, but you know me. Once I finally convince her to join me Merrill catches up to us and after I tell her we need to find a man willing to sell his sword; she gets this confused look and she says ‘Why would you need a sword, is it for Aveline? Don't they give her a good one for being captain? Seems a captain should have a good sword.”

Fenris chuckled and she continued on regaling him with Aveline’s take down of the drunken man. She giggles recalling how she had compared the man to a mabari bitch.

“Fenris it was amazing. I mean it's not like I forget just how intimidating Aveline can be. It's just I'm not often on the receiving end of it."

"I have been on the receiving end more times than I'd like to admit." Fenris said with a grin.

"Awww who could possibly try and intimidate that face." Hawke said with a laugh as she reached forward to pinch his cheek. She stopped herself short of touching him and a bit of sadness seemed to flash through her eyes again. Fenris thought of taking her hand and putting it to his face. To show her that he still desired her touch even in the smallest of ways. But he once again allowed his own cowardice to take the reins.

"So I take it you found a lead on the kidnapping?" He asked hoping to aleviate the awkwardness between them.

"Yes I did. In fact I'm following up on it tomorrow. The man said a Templar gave him the orders, had the grand clerics approval and seal. So I'll be going there tomorrow to confront her. Care to join?"

"You're going to accuse the grand cleric of funding zealots and kidnapping qunari? All on the word of a drunk?"

"Pretty much. Will you come?"

"Freedom was interesting while it lasted."

That earned him a swat on the arm. It seemed she was more comfortable touching him if it was in mock violence than tenderness. He laughed and danced away from her as she went to swipe at him again. She laughed along with him and for just a few moments all the pain between them was forgotten. It was as it used to be. When they were simply two friends who enjoyed eachothers company.

"You're worse than my brother sometimes I swear."

"That's just cruel."

"Cruel and true."

"Aveline mentioned that Anders is gone."

Hawke went silent and stopped walking. Her shoulders dropped and she turned to him with a very serious expression. 

"I don't think I am ready to share that part of the story. But yes he is gone. I'm sure you have plenty to say about it." She went to turn away when Fenris caught her by the shoulder. 

"You trusted him, I may not have agreed; but I will not throw that back in your face. One could easily infer that I was not someone to be trusted given the nature of our first meeting." He held her gaze as long as he could. It was never easy to look her in the eyes. He had been trained to avoid eye contact for so long. 

"Well you certainly made an entrance. I'd like to think I at least made an impression with my ability to take out slavers and make friends at the same time."

"That you did." 

***

It was as though nothing had changed. They laughed and drank. Isabela tried to cheat. Merrill kept revealing her cards when she forgot which ones were worth what. Aveline grumbled whenever she had a poor hand. Varric would write down anything he found particularly funny. 

"Now if I remember correctly someone has presents for everyone." Isabela said swaying in her seat. She had been tipsy when they arrived and didn't seem to be slowing down.

Fenris sighed and reached into the rucksack he brought with him and handed them all a wrapped parcel. He found himself feeling apprehensive about their reactions. He had never given gifts before. Though he was enjoying all the new experiences some still made him nervous.

"Oh my goodness Fenris, it is so beautiful." Merrill had torn through the paper eagerly and was rewarded with a soft green scarf. Halla were stitched along the edges in pale yellow thread. She wrapped it around herself and beamed at him.

"There was a Dalish trader in the alienage. Very friendly actually."

"Thank you so much Fenris it is absolutely perfect."

Isabela opened her gift and found a leather belt with various coins hanging from it, each one on a delicate chain.

"Fenris I don't know what to say."

"There's a coin from every region in Thedas. Even from Rivain."

Isabela was for once speechless and set about putting the belt on and gently caressing the Rivaini coin with a smile on her face.

Aveline stared at the painting she had been given. She was confused until she took a hard look at the flowers in the picture.

"Are those marigolds?"

Fenris laughed and Hawke leaned over to look closer.

"They are! How did he get them so shiny?" Hawke said examining the art.

"It's copper. He paints the pictures over the metal and tend scrapes away to let it shine through."

"Fenris, thank you. I will hang it up immediately tomorrow." 

Varric was too busy writing in his new journal to give his thanks. He simply smiled and continued on. Fenris knew the appreciation was implied.

"I guess that leaves me then." Hawke peeled back the paper carefully. Inside was a carving of a hawk. Done in drakestone it was polished to a perfect shine, the red stone glittered as she held it in the candlelight.

She stared at it marveling at the craftsmanship. Fenris watched her, enraptured with how the light caught in her eyes. She caught him staring and gave him a smile. 

"All right more ale before we get all mushy on eachother." Varric yelled breaking the silence. 

***

Fenris was waiting for her outside her estate the next morning. She had watched him from her window. Something was different about him but she couldn't quite place it.

"You do realize you live right next to the chantry. I would have met you there."

"I like walking. They say it's good for the soul."

"Do they now." As they walked Hawke tried to figure out what was off. As they neared the chantry she held back and let him walk ahead of her. He began to ascend the steps when he turned to find her still standing at the bottom.

"Something wrong?" He asked. It was when he turned that she realized what had changed. Hooked to his belt was a small leather shield. Anyone else might have needed a second look to identify the crest. But she saw it every day when she came home. 

When he continued to wear her ribbon she felt a small bit of hope that they would someday find a way to be together again. Seeing her crest displayed proudly for all to see took that spark of hope and made a blazing fire in her heart.

"Nothing at all Fenris. Nothing at all."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter I will look back on in disgust someday. The one that just wouldn't write.   
> Sorry for the long wait. I have been so utterly blocked from all creativity in regards to this fic lately. Every time I tried to write my brain shut down or thought of something else instead.
> 
> Anyway hope it's not a disappointment.


	46. A Worthy Rival

"Hawke, once again you have brought me to the chantry. Need I remind you of the more colorful events that have transpired when we were here?"  
"Oh you mean the incident with the Templar and then the other incident with the duel?"

"Indeed. I would just like you to exercise caution in this. The grand cleric is not someone you accuse of kidnapping. Even with the viscount's support of your investigation."

"Oh Maker forbid I threaten a lady of the chantry."

"Hawke." She turned to him with a wicked grin and he realized she had been having him on. He shook his head and bit back a retort.

"You should see the look on your face. Did you truly think I was just going to march up the stairs and outright accuse the grand cleric?"

"You have done many other outlandish things. I thought perhaps you had some sort of list you were checking off on outrageous behavior."

“I figured I could start with a joke. I’ll walk up to her and say ‘Three Qunari walk into a bar.’, see if that gets her talking.” She laughed at his expression but was suddenly cut off from the stairs to the upper levels by a familiar face.

"Sister Petrice." Hawke said warily. She had not seen the woman since they had parted ways after a disastrous encounter with a Qunari mage. Sister Petrice seemed to have no qualms about the death of innocent bystanders when it came to ridding the city of the Qunari.

“Mother Petrice, Serah Hawke, time has changed us both. Grand Cleric Elthina is quite busy at the moment. What do you want?”

“Funny I never said I wanted to see her. Though I should hardly be surprised. Issues with you and the Qunari always seem to go hand in hand.”  
“Yes and you always seem to take their side.”

“It’s not a matter of sides. It’s a matter of morality. Murder and kidnapping are still against the laws of the Maker, even if you’re killing a heretic.”

“I was quite naïve the first time we met. I did not want you dead, please be aware of that. But I felt a death was necessary. Though that may be too fine a point for you to understand. But you must admit you came out the better for it.”

Hawke could feel Fenris tensing up next to her. The leather of his gauntlet creaking as he tightened his hand into a fist.

“A Qunari delegate was kidnapped, as I am sure you already know. A Templar used the grand clerics seal to convince the guilty parties that the act was righteous. The fact that you are here and that you already knew I was coming to see the grand cleric tells me she’s not the one I should be talking to. You’ve been a bad bad girl Petrice.”

“The grand cleric entrusts her stewards to enact the wishes of the Maker.”  
“Oh yes I think I remember somewhere in the Canticle of Exaltations. And the Maker shall forgive the wicked so long as they ensure death to the horned ones.”

“Such blasphemy in the chantry is unbecoming even for you.”

“How about I whip out some more blasphemy. I’ll dry hump the statue of Andraste, right in front of the whole congregation. But while I do it I’ll be sure to let the grand cleric know you inspired the act.”

“Stubborn.” Petrice stopped herself from carrying the insult further. Fenris was thankful for that. Every word out of the simpering woman’s mouth made him want to grab hold of her by the throat and use fear as an interrogation tactic. If she had continued, there might not have been anything Hawke could have done to stop him.

“All right then serah Hawke. I can see you won’t be abandoning this. The templar you seek is a radical who has become quite unreliable. Confronting may do us all a favor in the end. He is my former bodyguard Ser Varnell. Assume what you want from that, but I offer him to you now as reconciliation. Meet me in the Darktown tunnels near the docks; you need to see the unrest these Qunari have inspired. Perhaps then you will see things in a very different light.”

They left the chantry and Hawke sat down on the steps. Her whole body started shaking and Fenris thought for a moment she might be crying. When he knelt down beside her she looked at him and he saw that she was trying to stifle laughter. He raised an eyebrow at her and gave her a puzzled look.

“Oh Maker I can’t believe I threatened to dry hump Andraste.” She said holding onto her stomach.

“That was quite the colorful answer, I will give you that.”

“I had originally intended to threaten to have sex with a chantry sister in front of the congregation but it just seemed in poor taste. Maker knows those women might faint if someone kissed them.”

“So you are aware that we are probably about to walk into a trap?”

“Quite aware actually. This is why we are bringing back up. Head down to the Hanged Man and see whose about. I won’t bring Aveline into this anymore than she already is. She’s got the rest of the city to worry about.

 

****

Once again it was Merrill and Varric who accompanied them. Isabela was once again absent from the city, Hawke was beginning to wonder if she was avoiding them. She decided to put the thought out of her head and focus on the task at hand. Mother Petrice’s meeting place turned out to be a back alley way in Darktown. She could hear the murmurings of a crowd as she rounded a corner and was met with a horrible sight. Three bloodied Qunari were tied to the walls, they had obviously been beaten and probably tortured. One seemed to be unconscious while another was breathing heavily. The last was fully awake; he stared past the crowd around him as though they were nothing to him.

“See like any beast remove the fangs and it is lost. They are weak before the faithful of the Maker. The only certainty in their precious Qun is death, and it shall be death at our righteous hands.” He struck the conscious Qunari across the face and was met with a glare. Fenris was uneasy, they had only one exit and the crowd was rather large. He observed several spots where others could be hiding. He was about to warn Hawke that they were likely walking into an ambush when Mother Petrice came in behind them.

“Ser Varnell.” She said loudly, drawing the attention of everyone, all eyes were now on them.

“Take a knee faithful, the chantry has blessed us with more heretics.”

“You claim a blessing when you have used the authority of the grand cleric so openly? You have brought wrath down upon you. You remember Serah Hawke I’m sure. The Qunari have friend’s templar, how will you answer their allegations?”

“You bitch! You fucking set me up!”

“You wanted to know where the missing Qunari were. I simply led you to them. I thought you wanted to see their kidnappers brought to justice.”

“Fine then, you want to fight? How about you fight someone who isn’t bound! Or are you incapable of even that?” Hawke readied herself for the attack and tried to focus her energy where the crowd was largest. If she could enact a force wave there, she could disorient the crowd and give the rest of them a chance to survive. Ser Varnell held a dagger to the throat of the Qunari in front of him; looking it in the eye he drew his dagger across its neck spilling its blood onto the ground.

“Righteous, destroy them!” He cried out.

Hawke didn’t waste a second; she brought her staff down to the ground and unleashed a force wave. The mob was scattered and several of them struck the walls and were knocked out. She saw a shadow fly over her as Fenris leapt into the oncoming attackers and swung his sword in a wide arc taking half of them out. Merrill swept her staff out and called forth her vines. She held the assailants while Varric pumped bolt after bolt into them. Hawke kept casting spell after spell feeling her mana drain with each one, but she could not stop. She had walked them into a trap and she would be damned if they didn’t walk out of it. 

She felt a sudden sensation as though someone had covered her in a pile of blankets and realized that Varnell had disrupted her magic. In all her years of fighting she had never had her magic canceled out, it was frightening. She was brought to her knees with a sudden force and saw him charging at her; she held up her staff to stop his sword from crashing down on her when suddenly he stumbled back, a bolt from Bianca sticking out of his chest. Fenris suddenly appeared behind him and snapped his neck instantly.

Fenris held out a hand to her and helped her back to her feet. Varric was tending to a wound on Merrill’s arm; a stray arrow had caught her but thankfully only grazed against the skin. She looked around at the carnage around her. So much death and she always seemed to be in the middle of it. They heard a sudden commotion outside the alley and Aveline came charging in with several of her guardsmen.

“Hawke!” She cried out, running to her and encasing her in a crushing hug.

“Aveline, honestly what’s gotten into you?”

“Anonymous report said that you were in Darktown being attacked Qunari. I came running. What happened?”

“I was led here by Mother Petrice. She set all this up. The Viscount needs to be told. Something needs to be done before this turns into a complete disaster.”

“I thought I was going to find your bodies. I was convinced you were all dead.” Aveline, who was so self-controlled, looked to be on the verge of tears.

“I’m fine, truly. Had a small issue with a templar disrupting my magic. Never had that happen before. Thankfully Varric and Bianca were keeping a close eye on me, Fenris too. Merrill is the only one who got hurt, and it’s just a flesh wound.”

“I've sent for the viscount, he will need to see this.”

The Viscount had managed to look as though he had aged five years since she had last seen him. His eyes seemed dulled, and the bags underneath indicated he was not getting any sleep. He muttered to himself seeing the dead bodies of the Qunari and the zealots.

“Madness, such madness.” He said wringing his hands.

“That would be the appropriate word for this situation yes.” Hawke said dryly. The more trouble seemed to arise the less suited to the position the viscount seemed to be.

“The chantry is involved now. Even if only a fringe element, it makes things worse. I can’t believe you managed to kill everyone. How are you still alive after all that?” He was staring dumbfounded at the bodies around him, realizing only three of them were Qunari.

“I was prepared for an attack. A mother serving the grand cleric allowed this to happen. She is the reason I came here in the first place.”

“Are you quite sure? Did she hold a blade with them, tell them to fight you?”

“No, which I am sure was her plan all along. She led me here and instigated a fight, claiming I was here as a friend to the Qunari. The templar took that as a threat. He slit the throats of the Qunari and set his followers against us.”

“I do wish you could have said yes. A blasted mother, you have no idea the storm of allegations this is going to cause. It’s going to destroy what support I do have left. I will make inquiries delicately of course. You should also be careful in your associations from now on as well.” He eyed Fenris and Merrill as he said it. Hawke had to bite her tongue before she said something untoward. She was putting her life on the line to help and he dared to call her friendships into question.

“For now there is the bigger problem that needs to be addressed. You found the delegate, but we cannot return the bodies in this state. You’ve had dealings with the arishok, what should I do?”

“Hiding what was done will only make things worse. The arishok respects honesty.”

“I must admit I am losing my sense of how to keep the balance that is this nightmare. I do appreciate your help with this matter Serah Hawke. It would have been far worse without you. Kirkwall owes you, I owe you even more.” He shook her hand and was escorted away by his personal guard.

“I’m going to see the Arishok.” Hawke said before walking off towards the exit. The rest of them simply followed and did not even bother questioning why.

She approached the dais where the arishok sat with her head held high. The arishok looked down from his throne, his eyes revealed nothing other than stone cold indifference.

“So I understand that you have solved the disappearance of my delegates and my missing patrol, and killed all those responsible. Do you care to explain the condition of the bodies? My patrol was obviously ambushed by raiders. But my delegates appeared to have been treated less than kindly.”

“A fanatic was using them to inspire masses. He used torture to show that they could be brought down, so that they would not fear them.”

“You are not lying. I accept your answer.”

“I honestly expected worse.”

“I have seen the vices and weakness of your kind. Very few of you take responsibility. Your viscount is a fool, but you are not it would seem. I declare you basalit-an. Panahedan Hawke; I will keep one good thought about your kind.”

She was about to ask what she had just been called when Fenris grabbed onto her and pulled her out of the compound as quickly as he could. He dragged her out into the street before finally letting go.

“What did he just call me? Why in the void did you drag me out of there?”

“Basalit-an, worthy of respect. He has just declared you worthy of the Qun. If the Qunari declare war on the city you will be spared and given the opportunity to covert.”

The worried look in his eyes told Hawke all she needed to know. The arishok was obviously ready and waiting for any sign to unleash his forces upon the city. It was just a matter of time before the spark reached the brush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happily the writers block has abated.  
> I truly enjoyed writing this one. I always hated that you never really got to bitch out Petrice as much as you should have been able to. Loved seeing her take an arrow to the head.  
> Stay tuned because soon it will be time to go into the Fade and hawke is not going to like the sides of her friends she ends up seeing.


	47. Cracked Reflection

“Here we are again hiking this damn mountain again. You know I’m not overly fond of nature.” Varric grumbled as they made their way up Sundermount. In all the confusion and mishaps that had occurred Hawke had nearly forgotten her promise to accompany Merrill to see the Keeper. She had been reminded gently by Merrill and had jumped at the opportunity to get out of the city. It took some convincing to get Varric to come along, though in the end he couldn’t say no to Merrill. Fenris had not needed any coaxing, though he was often reluctant to go anywhere near the Dalish camp. 

“Its good to get fresh air once in awhile. The alienage doesn’t see this much sunlight.” Merrill was bright and happy, practically dancing with every step. Though her demeanor began to change as they neared the camp. Her footsteps became smaller, and her shoulder slumped as though a great weight had fallen upon her. Hawke attributed it to the sadness of having to see the clan who so easily dismissed her. 

Keeper Marethari smiled as they approached, her face a warm welcome compared to the cold looks they received from the rest of the Dalish.

“You have returned to us da’len. Have you finally reconsidered your path at last?” She said with a hopeful air to her voice.

Merrill looked down at her feet and mumbled quietly, she looked to Hawke pleadingly.

“Hello again Keeper, my, don’t you look lovely today.” Hawke said, hoping to ease Merrill into speaking.

“Keeper I need the arulin’holm.” Merrill blurted out suddenly before the older elf could respond.

Marethari sighed and shook her head.

“I see you are still trying to rebuild the eluvian.”

“You don’t have to approve. I am invoking vir sulevanan. I will perform whatever task you give of me.”

“Well I am glad to know you still allow my opinions on the matter. Though you still do not take heed of them. Its is your right however, and I will give you a service to perform, since you insist.” She huffed, crossing her arms across her chest.

“Keeper pardon my ignorance but what is Merrill requesting of you, what is an arulin’holm?” Varric said, curious as always.

“It is an ancient carving tool that has been in our clan for countless generations. It dates back to before the fall of the Dales. All relics belong to the People. Though Merrill has chosen to live apart she is still one of us. So she has the right to request ownership of the arulin’holm for a time. All she need do is fulfill a task of my choosing, and it shall be hers.”

“So we have to perform a task and Merrill will be given the arulin’holm?”

“Indeed child, a varterral has taken the lives of three of our hunters. It lairs in a cavern in the mountainside. Seek it out, slay it, no one else must fall to its anger. Do this for us, and I will give you the arulin’holm. May the Dread Wolf never catch your scent.”

“Excuse me Keeper, but what is a varterral, and if it has already killed three of your hunters what makes you think we can destroy it?” Hawke was beginning to think coming there was a mistake. She knew the clan and Merrill had differing opinions, but there seemed to be more to the story than Merrill had told her.

“It is an ancient elven construct; they were made to guard our temples and homes. This one has appeared to have lost its sense of purpose due to the rigors of time. I would not assign you this task if I did not think you were capable. As much as I disagree with what Merrill is doing, I do not wish her harm.”

“That’s comforting to say the least. Thank you keeper, we shall return.”

 

“I’m glad that Merrill has a friend in you Hawke, she needs someone to look after her.”

“I can take care of myself Keeper.” Merrill said angrily.

“Yes da’len, you have made that quite clear.” Marethari responded with sadness.

Merrill strode off with nary a look back. Hawke ran to catch up with her.

“The cave must be near the camp, otherwise the keeper would just warn the hunters away.” Merrill informed her as they neared a cavern north of the camp. 

They found the bodies of the three slain hunters. Merrill spoke departing words in elven and retrieved their clan amulets. Said that they would need to be returned to the keeper. They were waylaid along the path by an ambush of large cave spiders which they dispatched quickly. There was a moment of eerie silence that was suddenly broken by the sound of frantic footsteps approaching them.

“Whatever you are quit hiding! Unless of course you are a dragon than by all means stay where you are.” Hawke yelled.

“Oh praise Andras, I mean the Creators, I thought I was never going to…..Merrill?” a bare faced young elf came out of hiding. He seemed relieved to have been found until he saw Merrill.

“Aneth ara Pol, are you hurt?” she said smiling

“Stay away from me, what do you want?” he yelled in a voice that was half anger half fear.

“Pol what’s wrong? The keeper sent me here to help.”

“Stay back, don’t you touch me!” he said backing away from them.

“Stop yelling, you’ll alert the varterral to our presence.” Hawke hissed fearing what would happen should the creature find them before they had a chance to prepare.

“You don’t know what she is, what she’s done. Oh creators please help me.” he cried running away from them.

“Pol no, we have to catch him hurry.” Merrill yelled chasing after him. They followed Pol’s voice through the cavern and found him in a large opening desperately searching for an exit. He looked at them with fear in his eyes again and did not see the shadows moving behind him. He turned around hearing the loud thumps of the creature’s footsteps and collapsed to the ground in terror as it approached him.

The varterral was huge. Twice the size of the golems of the deep roads. Its five legs ending in what appeared to be a massive claw. It charged at them emitting a guttural scream, intent on destroying everything in its path. Every step it took made the ground shake and Hawke stumbled trying to duck for cover from falling rocks. Fenris charged the beast his sword held high. Despite its massive size it was quite fast and it began to counter every swing Fenris made. Hawke sent a lightning bolt at its hindquarters hoping to distract it.

“Hey you big ugly thing over here!” she yelled darting along the walls of the cave.

“Bianca says hello!” Varric cried out popping up from behind a large boulder, sending several bolts into its side.

“May the Dread Wolf take you!” Merrill called out summoning her strength and ensnaring the creature with vines. It proved to be strong even for her magic and snapped each one and came charging towards her. Hawke sent a wave of her magic that lifted Merrill away from the oncoming onslaught. She was too busy trying to protect Merrill she did not see that the varterral had turned its attention towards her and she found herself shoved down to the ground by Fenris. A sudden wash of toxic saliva hit where she had just been standing. He wasted no more time and charged at the beast again, his sword held high as he ran it along the underside, splitting it open. It cried out in agony and finally collapsed. Varric finished it off with a bolt to the eye; it twitched for a moment and was still.

Merrill walked hesitantly over to where Pol had fallen. A puddle of blood was seeping into the ground around his body. He did not move. Merrill fell to her knees in front of him sobbing.

“Why did you run? You shouldn’t have run.”

“Merrill what did you do to frighten him?”

“Hawke I swear I don’t know. I don’t understand why he looked at me as though I were a monster. Pol wasn’t like the others. He ran away from the Denerim Alienage and found us. We took him in, he was becoming one of the People, but he understood the outside world.”

“You are a monster.” Fenris said his voice taking on a bitter tone.

“Fenris?” Hawke exclaimed shocked at his uncaring attitude.

“What am I to be silent on this? Whatever she has been doing has obviously turned the entire clan against her. She uses blood magic and refuses to see the danger. Her keeper was so desperate to keep her from the arulin’holm she sent us on what was almost a suicide mission. That thing nearly killed you!” he yelled, sick of seeing Hawke turn a blind eye to the danger that Merrill was. 

“You didn’t have to come, I didn’t force you to.”

“Your blatant disregard for your own life forces me to follow you.”

“Children, as much as I enjoy watching you tear each other apart verbally I’d very much like to be out of this cave and back in my city. So if you don’t mind I’m walking out of here and you can choose to follow or stay.” Varric took Merrill by the hand and escorted her out, hading her a handkerchief along the way to dry her eyes. Hawke and Fenris glared at each other until he stepped back and motioned for her to lead the way.

Merrill walked towards the keeper with confidence in her gait that Hawke had not seen in her before. The keeper seemed taken aback to have Merrill stand before her with her head held high.

“The varterral is dead Keeper. I found the amulets of the hunters who were lost. Pol was in the cave, and he fled at the sight of me, straight into the varterral. He’s gone.”

“Many in the clan believe you will bring back the corruption or worse from the mirror.”

“Where would they get that idea?”

“I am their Keeper da’len; it is my duty to warn them of all dangers. Its not too late Merrill, please reconsider this path. You don’t need to be alone.”  
“Must we go over this again? You will never accept that what I am doing is for the good of the clan.”

“The eluvian is a trap. It cost us Tamlen and Marethari. It led you to blood magic. Will you let it twist you even further from who you really are?”

“You don’t know who I am keeper, you never did. Now I have fulfilled your request. Honor our bargain and give me the arulin’holm.” Marethari looked wounded at hearing Merrill’s declaration. As though her heart had been broken by words alone.

“Hawke because Merrill wont listen I give you this heirloom of our people. Please don’t let her do this.” Marethari said with a graven tone as she walked away.

“Oh thank the creators I thought she’d go back on her word.” Merrill let out a breath that sounded more relieved than anything. The sky was turning dark over head with storm clouds so they began their descent down the mountain.

“Merrill what did the keeper mean, about the mirror turning you to blood magic.”

“The first shard I picked up was corrupted. I couldn’t cleanse it without help and the keeper refused. So I found a…spirit, and it taught me to cleanse it with blood magic.”

“I have never heard of blood magic purifying anything.”

“Neither have I.” Fenris quipped angrily walking behind them. Varric gave him a nudge in an effort to stop another fight from happening.

“There’s nothing inherently evil about blood magic, it’s still just magic. The corruption was too strong and it’s not like I had piles of lyrium lying about. I used what I had at my own disposal.”

“Is it worth losing your entire clan to this mirror Merrill?”

“My people have lost everything Hawke. Our magic, our rituals, our homes. Even our gods are gone. It is a sacrifice yes, but if the mirror restores even one fragment of the past then it will be worth it to me.”

“I wonder what other sacrifices you will find worth it.” Fenris added, his anger seething off of him. 

“You say I’m dwelling on the past but what about you. You’re so desperate to remember anything from your life. How is that any different from what I am doing?”

“You already had a home and a family. You gave it all up to chase after ghosts. We are nothing alike and don’t you ever forget that!” Fenris shoved past both of them and kept a healthy distance the rest of the way down. None of them spoke until they got to the city and Merrill turned to Hawke expectantly.

“Ill take the arulin’holm now Hawke.”

“Everyone else seems to be terrified of this mirror. Maybe you should be too.”

“You’re siding with the keeper? I know what I am doing Hawke. Give me the arulin’holm. You are not one of the People; you should never have been given it in the first place.”

Hawke was shocked at Merrill’s sudden animosity. The fact they were elf and human had never come up as an issue between them.

“Fine Merrill, take it. Try not to cut yourself.”

“I’m glad you saw reason.”

“I didn’t see reason Merrill. I just don’t want to hear what other hurtful things you might say just to get it. You know it’s probably a good thing that mirror doesn’t reflect anything. I don’t think you’d like seeing what it would show you now.”

*****

Fenris had not seen her for a few days and assumed she had needed space. He was bothered by her cold indifference to him. She had gone from promises of waiting for him to seeming to not care at all. She shied from physical contact with him and he suspected if she was able to handle a sword herself she would not ask him to accompany her anymore. Confrontation did not seem to be the best course of action however. That would lead to questions he was not sure he had the answers to, and what answers he did have, she would not want to hear. He berated himself mentally for being too much of a coward to just tell her how he felt. 

He wanted her, desired her, and craved her presence almost every waking moment of every day. But to be with her would cause the memories to come flooding back again, and he could not bear to lose them a second time. It was better this way perhaps. She could move on to someone more suited to her. Someone who deserved her, and could give her what she deserved. 

When he had returned to Kirkwall Aveline had lightly suggested once again that he would be quite suited to help train her guardsmen. His fighting style was not one seen outside of Tevinter, and his knowledge of tactics would be beneficial to the defenders of the city. So he decided one morning to visit her at the keep and offer his services. If he was to no longer accompany Hawke, it would be best to have something else to focus his attention on besides drinking.

He gave himself one opportunity to glance towards her estate. Hoping maybe she would step outside. But it was not to be, so he resigned himself to his original plan and headed towards the barracks. He knocked on the door and it was answered by guardsman Donnic.

“Fenris, what’s going on?” he said with a slightly surprised look.

“I came to see the guard captain, is she in.”

“Who is it Donnic?”

“It’s Fenris.” 

“Very well send him in.”

“But.”

“We’ll talk about it later Donnic. When we’re not both on duty.” Donnic sighed and let Fenris into Aveline’s office. He gave her a salute and left.

“Am I interrupting something important? I can always come back later.”

“No, its fine really. It is something best suited to another time. What brings you here?”

“I have been thinking of your request to help train the guardsmen in different fighting techniques. I still think many of them would bristle at the idea of an elf giving them orders. But none the less it is a good outlet for my talents, and you are a friend and I would like to be of service to you in any way I can.”

Aveline had a surprised but pleased smile on her face.

“I never thought you’d actually agree to do this Fenris. I appreciate it greatly. I’ll start you out just one day a week. Let the guards get used to you. If you’d like I can be present in the beginning. Make sure there’s no back talk, and I will flog the first one who tries to call you knife ear.”

“I appreciate that. Show me to the grounds then. I’d like to get a grasp on where I will be conducting these exercises.”

Before they could venture forth Merrill came bursting into the office.

“Aveline come quick. Oh Fenris, I didn’t know you were here. I need you to come with me to the alienage. Arianni, Feynriel's mother, she’s having a fit and Hawke is trying to stop her from storming down to the Gallows.”

***

Merrill gave them the story as best she could. She had been inside her home when she heard loud yelling outside. She had found Hawke, Isabela and Varric attempting to reason with Arianni. She was yelling about her son and something about demons in his dreams. Hawke told her to run and get Aveline. 

“What’s going on that she’s on a rampage?” Aveline asked as they hit the bottom of the stairs.

“Something to do with Feynriel, I’m not sure though. Like I said I came outside and they were in the middle of an argument.”

When they finally reached the alienage they were met with an interesting sight. Isabela was nursing what appeared to be a fat lip. Varric was sitting against a wall wiping sweat from his brow and Hawke was actually sitting on Arianni, who looked to be as worn out as the rest of them. 

“What in the Makers name is going on here?”

“I had to use certain methods of persuasion to calm her down. Her son Feynriel has fallen into a deep sleep and isn’t waking up. She is worried naturally. However I told her that storming down to the Gallows and demanding to see him will not change what has happened. That doing so may also force the templars to consider the rite of tranquility if they fear for him and his safety. That her making a scene might force their hand.”  
“Yes and she didn’t think to sit on her until after she punched me.” Isabela said hotly, wiping away the blood from her lips.

“Now I’m going to get off you now, and you’re going to remain here and not go running off to the Gallows right?”

“Yes.” Arianni said dejectedly. Hawke helped the elven woman to her feet and brushed the dust off of her. “I’m sorry Serah, I truly am. I’m just so worried and the Keeper hasn’t answered my letters.”

“You sent a letter to Keeper Marethari?” Merrill asked.

“Yes I had hoped she would know of some ancient magic that might help him. But she hasn’t responded.”

“Because I decided to come personally instead.” Said a soft voice from behind them. Marethari came down the stairs into the alienage, observing all those around her. She approached the Vhenadahl tree and placed a hand on it, whispering something softly in elven.

“I did not think it wise to allow any more time pass before action is to be taken. I have come to see what I can do for your son. You are one of the People and he is your child. Hawke, I am glad you are here. You are one who could help with this, you helped get Feynriel to the circle. Surely you would give your help again?”

“Yes of course I will be more than happy to.”

“Your courage is truly legendary. I have no way of paying you.”

“No need, I’m just happy there is a way to help him.”

“Arianni, I will need you to find some of his belongings. It will help with the ritual.” Marethari said, motioning to Hawke so they could speak privately.

“Hawke, the ritual I will be doing can be dangerous. You will be venturing into the Fade, specifically into Feynriel’s dreams. He is a Somniari, a dream mage; abilities like his are very rare. He is very likely one of the few left in this world to survive past childhood.”

“A dream mage? One who can actually enter dreams, control them?”

“Yes and what has most likely happened is that he was found by demons in his sleep and they are holding him there. To possess a Somniari would give any demon limitless power in our world. He needs to see that he is dreaming. He needs to be convinced that the Fade is not real. If you do this he will come into his abilities and be free of their influences. If you cannot break him free, you must kill him.”

“What will that do to him?”

“He will become what your people call Tranquil.”

“I don’t want that to happen.”

“Nor do I child. So please try and help him see the truth. But if you cannot, do not hesitate to strike him down.”

“I understand.”

They went into Arianni’s house and waited for the Keeper to set up the ritual space. It was decided that Merrill, Isabela and Aveline would join Hawke in the Fade. Marethari said it would be near impossible to send in Varric, who was more than happy to stay away from the world of dreams.

“Dwarves don’t dream and I’m not about to become to first to try it.” He said.

Fenris pulled Hawke aside.

“Are you absolutely sure you want to do this?”

“I have to do this. If he becomes possessed everyone in the Gallows is in danger.”

“I should be going with you.”

“It’s not a good idea. The lyrium in your skin would be like a feast to the demons there. They would not hesitate to try and take you. I’m not saying you would fall to temptation Fenris. I’m just saying I don’t want to risk drawing more attention by having you there.”

Fenris and Varric took up posts near the front door. Should the templar decided to raid the aliange they would all be in great danger, so it was decided that having a heads up would be their best chance of surviving that. Fenris watched as they lay down on the ground and each fell into sleep. There was no movement from any of them, save a light twitching behind their eyelids. He felt himself getting drowsy when Isabela suddenly sat up drawing in a deep breath.

“Oh bugger it all!” she yelled out.

“What happened?” Varric asked.

“Desire demon, offered me a new ship. I took the deal. Damn it I turned on her. I didn’t even think twice.”

“You turned on Hawke?” Fenris yelled, ready to shake the fool woman.

“You don’t know what it’s like in there. They get into your head and you forget.”

Merrill was next to wake. She began to shake and cry.

“Oh Creators what have I done?”

Fenris began to pace about. Surely Aveline would not fall. After hearing the descriptions that Isabela and Merrill gave of their experiences he realized that if Aveline gave in Hawke would have to strike her down. Even he was not capable of fully besting Aveline. He watched helplessly when suddenly Aveline awoke as well.

“Hawke!” she cried turning to her friend who still lay there unmoving. “Hawke I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Hawke wake up!”

“What did you do?” Fenris was beyond enraged. They had all turned on her, every single one. And now Aveline was speaking of her attack on Hawke and not being sure if she had survived it. 

They sat and waited, Fenris held her hand silently pleading for her to wake. It was like being at her bedside again as she sat on the edge of death. He told himself that if she woke he would go to her and tell her everything. He would lay himself bare for her if she would only open her eyes. When she did he felt himself breath again.

“I need a drink.” She said and walked out of the house, refusing to look at any of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked this, because once again I really enjoyed writing this one


	48. Somebody Needs a Good Spanking

There was a marked silence once Hawke shut the door behind her. Fenris went to follow her out but Varric put out an arm to stop him.

"Give her a minute Broody. I'm sure she just needs a moment alone."

"Is Feynriel all right?" Arianni asked nervously.

"I believe so yes. Hawke had tricked the first demon we encountered. It was trying to get to him first. She made a deal to leave Feynriel open to temptation if he would let us through. But when we found his dreams she was able to help him see what they really were. Even with the rest of us turning on her. The last one got me. It was angry at Hawke for helping Feynriel gain control over his dreams. It offered me Wesley if I would only strike down Hawke." Aveline sounded broken as she spoke.

"Thank the Creators. Please when you see her give her my thanks." Arianni clasped her hands together and smiled.

****

"Hawke!" Most of the crowd at the Hanged Man knew her by name. She nodded to the group that had yelled to her and signaled Nora.

"Where's the rest of your merry band today?"

"Don't know, don't care. I'm going up to Varric's suite. Bring me a pitcher of the strongest stuff you've got."

"Rough day?"

"You don't know the half of it."

She had finished two cups by the time they found her. She was sitting in Varric's spot at the table and she watched them all file in and take their respective places. Varric and Fenris took the seats next to hers, something she was quite glad for. She wasn't in the mood to strangle them. They hadn't turned on her without a moments thought. Aveline sat at the opposite end with Merrill and Isabela on either side of her.

"Nobody say a word until I have finished this. Not one fucking word." Hawke said with a warning. The alcohol was causing her to lisp already but she didn't care.

"Well if you're going to be drunk I may as well be too." Isabela said with a laugh. Hawke slamming her tankard down the table was not the reaction she had hoped for. Varric sent her a look that said she had spoken too soon.

"Yes that's what your good at isn't it Isabela. Being drunk and not being around when I need you."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Every time I come into this bar you're at least two cups in. Except for the past few weeks. I haven't seen you at all. Always off searching for your fucking relic. Which by the way the less you tell me about it; the more I'm starting to think it's going to cause me trouble. But hey who am I to judge. Oh right because I'm not the one who stabbed their friend in the back for a fucking boat!"

"Ship actually."

"Oh fuck you! If all you care about is a damn ship then go find some captain to fuck and take it then! Stop being here if you don't want to fucking be here!"

Isabela was about to say something when Merrill piped up.

"That's not fair Hawke."

"Not fair? Not fair?" Hawke said her voice getting louder.

"What's not fair is you lying to me! You are a blood mage, a full blown blood mage. I used to think you were just dallying with it because we'll you're Dalish and you're kind tends to view it differently. But no, I have to find out from the keeper that you actually learned it from a demon."

"It was a spirit."

"Tomato, tomato. Call it what you like. But you are still on the very path that gets our kind locked up. The very reason people fear us. I hope your damn history is worth what you are costing yourself in the end."

Hawke was swaying in her seat her tongue completely loosened from the booze.

"I suppose I'm next then? Going to come at me now?" Aveline said sternly.

"You know what really truly gets me. I never thought you could fall for it. I was convinced that when that demon took Wesley's form that you would strike it down for the insult alone. Tell me Aveline have you actually forgiven me for Wesley? Or are you still angry that I had the courage to do what you couldn't?"

"That's uncalled for!" Aveline said standing up.

"Is it now? I saved you husband from a slow agonizing painful death. I bent over backwards to help you find love again. And what did you do? You turned on me when I needed you most.  And you turned a blind eye to what was happening in this city and got my mother killed in the process!"  
Hawke stood defiant until the realization of what she said settled in. Aveline's eyes began to well with tears and she sat back down.

"I have to go." Hawke said as she stumbled out of the room and down the stairs. Fenris glared at the rest of them and followed her out. Varric signaled to the barmaid and ordered a round for everyone. No more words were spoken by any of them.

Fenris followed Hawke but kept his distance. Her walking was staggered at best. He wasn’t sure how much she had had to drink, but from the looks of it, whatever it was, was too much.

"Go away Fenris. I'm fine." She said nearly stumbling into a wall. He thought he had been subtle in his approach, but she still managed to hear him.

"You're drunk." He said reaching to catch her. She shoved his hands away and fell back against the wall.

"Don't touch me."

"You're about to fall down a flight of stairs. Would you rather I allow you to damage yourself?"

"At least then my body will match my mind." She said slumping down to the ground. He sat down next to her but kept space between them. She had shied away from physical contact with him enough for him to realize she did not want that from him.

“I shouldn’t have said those things to them. But it hurt so much to see them turn against me, and for what? Empty promises and false futures.”

“You have every right to be angry at them. I would have probably said much worse in your position.”

“I want to go home, my head is spinning and if I stay here I’m going to sleep here.” She stood up unsteadily, he offered her his hand and she once again would not accept it. So he stayed by her side ready to catch her if she stumbled. As they waked he noticed that she made each step with purpose, as though willing herself to walk on her own, refusing to accept his assistance.

They finally made it to her door and as he went to leave he felt something soft strike the back of his head. He looked down and saw it was one of the flowers from the gardens her mother had planted outside their front door. He looked at her with surprise and she threw another. He went to swipe it away and she grabbed the entire bush and hurled it at his face.

“Stop that!”

“It’s not fair! You, all of this!” she said sobbing, her arms dropped to her sides. She looked at him with tears streaming down her face and he had no words for her.

“It hurt watching you walk out that door. You're my best friend. I could come to you with anything. Talk to you about everything. Just talking to you could heal any hurt. But you can't heal this one because you caused the hurt. And I can't tell you because I don't want to push you away. But you hurt me. You hurt me so much. Seeing you every day it hurts. But not having you there hurts so much more I can't bear it. I want to hold your hand, touch your arm, and hug you. But I can’t; I can’t do all the things I want to do. And I know I said I would wait for you, and I will. I will wait till the end of time for you Fenris. But waiting hurts more than I could have possibly imagined.”

“You shouldn’t wait for me. You should find someone who can be what you deserve. I am not a man worth waiting for.” He waged a war within himself to say those words to her. Promise be damned. He was hurting her, and if he could save her from that he would. Even if it meant losing her forever. She meant more than his wounded heart. She deserved more.

“I hate you.” She said and left him there in dark streets with no sound but his own ragged breaths as he held back the flood of tears that threatened to break free.

***

He spent the night in front of the fire sleeping restlessly. Every time he closed his eyes he saw her face. He hoped she would listen, and he also hoped she would be as stubborn as she always was. True he was selfish enough to want her to wait for him, and he was noble enough to realize that he was selfish for it. Perhaps it would be best for him to leave. To give her a chance to move on. Him remaining would only cause her told hold on that much more.

When he finally falls asleep his dreams are strange. He found himself standing in the streets of Minrathous again. His hands were unmarked and the city seemed so much larger than what he remembered. His clothes were not what he remembers either. Rather than his dark imposing armor, he is in a tunic and pants, both looking rather ragged. He looks up and sees a woman with black hair and warm green eyes. She says something to him but he cannot hear the words. But he knows she means him no harm. She reaches a hand out to him and when he takes it he realizes he is but a child. The woman lifts him up and cradles him against her hip. He rests his head on her shoulder and holds tight. When he wakes he remembers. Her face, her eyes, her smile.

“Mother.” He says and tries to hold onto the memory until he realizes it is not disappearing. He remembers his mother.

****

 

When Hawke wakes up there is only darkness. She has a moment of panic until she realizes that Orana never drew the curtains. She is laying in blissful darkness and is quite thankful given the pounding in her head.

“Why do I even drink?” she asks out loud to no one. She attempts a healing spell and realizes that her hangover is sapping her mana as well.

“What the hell does Corff put in that shit?” she stumbles around her room trying desperately to find a healing potion. She doesn’t care if they’re meant to heal injuries in battle, her head is an injury and it needs fixing. She finally finds the bag when she trips over it and smacks into the floor.

“Maker just kill me now. I’m ready to be enfolded into your bosom.”

“Mistress are you all right?” Orana said softly opening her bedroom door. The light in the hallway illuminating the room. 

“Yes I’m fine; actually no I am not fine. Would you be so kind as to bring me a cup of tea and something very light to eat? I had a bit too much last night.” Hawke said wearily. She sat up and pulled a potion from the back and downed it in one gulp. Her headache dissipates immediately but the aches in her body remained. 

“Shall I start a fire first mistress?” 

“Orana, you know how much I hate it when you call me that. I don’t own you, in fact you could quit now and there’d be nothing I could do to stop you. I’d be sad if you left, but I wouldn’t try to keep you here.”

“It is a very hard habit to break. Perhaps I could call you miss instead? Would that be all right?” she said her voice wavering. 

“That would be much better yes. Don’t worry about the fire I can make that myself.”

“Yes of course, miss.” 

Hawke opened the curtains slightly to let enough light in so that she could see her way around her room. The body aches are not nearly as bad as she thought. A quick bit of healing magic and she’s able to lift the logs into the fire and with a whisper has a roaring flame beginning.

Orana brings her tea and some fluffy biscuits that taste as though they came straight out of the oven. Knowing Orana they probably did. 

“Come sit with me Orana. No need to go running off to find something to clean.”

Orana looked at her uneasily but sat down none the less. Hawke prepares a cup of tea for herself and for Orana as well. The young elf takes it from her hesitantly. Hawke hands hers the plate of biscuits and welcomes her to have first pick.

“I am not used to this. It’s nice though, I like it.”

“I’m sorry I haven’t been around much. I don’t like being here all that often. Too many memories, and at the same time not enough memories.”

“I miss your mother. She was so kind to me. I broke a cup my first week here. She dried my tears and made me tea. Told me cups were replaceable.”

“Cups are very much replaceable. Are you happy here Orana? Do you miss your home, your family?”

“Papa was the only family I had left. There’s nothing for me to miss in Tevinter. Except maybe…” she trailed off and Hawke gave her a small poke in the side.

“You can tell me, I’ll tell you something I miss about Ferelden if you tell me what you miss about Tevinter.”

“I miss hearing my language. Not many people around here know how to speak it, and I don’t think I will ever go back there.”

“I miss the weather in Ferelden. It’s never as cold here as I’d like it to be. I also miss seeing nature everywhere. Nothing but stone and buildings here.”

They finish their breakfast and Orana cleans up.

“Thank you for sitting with me, I really enjoyed that.”

“As did I.”

“Do you know how I got home last night?”

“Bodahn said you came in on your own very late. Charged up the stairs and said to not open your curtains in the morning.”

“Ah, at least my drunken self was aware of how painful that would have been.”

“Do you not remember your night at all?”

“I remember more than I would like. But I don’t remember getting home. I can only guess Fenris is responsible for seeing me home safe. I should go talk to him, make sure I didn’t say anything I shouldn’t have.”

***

“Fenris?” he hears her voice down in the entryway. He almost decides to remain silent, let her think he isn’t home. But he realizes the firelight will give him away. So instead he listens to see if she will venture upstairs. Her footsteps echo throughout the empty mansion and he waits hearing her ascend the stairs.

“So how much apologizing do I need to do this time?” she asks sheepishly. 

“Do you not remember?”

“I remember ripping Merrill, Isabela, and Aveline a new one. I remember collapsing against a wall in Lowtown. But after that it’s all fuzzy. Someone ripped apart one of my mothers rose bushes outside the estate. Was that me?”

She doesn’t remember he thinks to himself. 

“You tripped walking towards your estate and the bush ended up being the only thing you could grab a hold of.” He lies to her face, because he hates himself for what he said to her. He hates himself for asking to her to wait. But he can’t bear the thought of losing her. So he lies.

“Wonderful. I’m just glad I didn’t take any of what happened yesterday out on you.”

“Only the rose bush I assure you.”

“Good. I’m going to pay a visit to Aveline. She’s my first stop on the “Hawke was an asshole and is here to apologize” list.”

He nods but stops her before she can leave.

“Hawke?”

“Yes?”

He got up and strode over to her. She backed away at first until he held out his arms. He gave her a beseeching look and she finds herself unable to resist. She wrapped her arms around him and rested her head against his chest. He laid his cheek against the top of her head and breathed in deep. He needed this; he missed this more than he is willing to admit to himself. Just having her close, being able to hold her, he would trade everything to be able to do this always.

“We haven’t done this in a very long time.”

“I know.”

“I’ve missed it. Is it strange for you after?” her voice trails off, unwilling to destroy the moment.

“Only if it is for you. I still wish to be a comfort to you. In any way that I can.”

She didn’t speak again and when he finally let her go he had to stifle what could have only sounded like a whimper. She smiled and tussled his hair before leaving. He sat back down in front of the fire, and for once he did not feel as though he had done the wrong thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know Fenris made a promise, and honestly he wanted to keep it. He really did. But theres still so much fear in him right now and he can't afford to have Hawke caught up in it.  
> He believes wholeheartedly that once Denarius is dead he will be able to give in fully. Or at least that is what he keeps telling himself.   
> But I like the idea of him slowly recovering his memories. That moments with Marian give that to him, he just needs them to reappear slowly and for now that is what is happening for him.  
> But for now both he and Hawke are content to be what they were before the whole mess happened, though neither will tell the other just how much more they want. Because why would either of them take the easy route.  
> Hope you enjoyed, Hawke has some apologizing to do. She's still mad at everyone for turning on her but she feels horrible for reacting the way that she did.   
> Part of this chapter was inspired by my own drunken rant once. I had a horrible fight with my best friend where we both got shit faced and said everything we wanted to say and some stuff we shouldn't have. But we're still friends so it worked out.


	49. Apologies

Aveline hadn’t cried since the day Wesley died. She had never been much of a crier to begin with. So when the tears fell after Hawke had unleashed her anger she was surprised at herself. She sat in her office looking over reports from the previous evening’s patrols and realized that she had read the same sentence three times. She sighed and leaned back in her chair, trying to banish the thoughts from her mind when she heard a familiar knock.

“Don’t hit me. I have flowers.” Hawke held a bouquet of marigolds in front of her face like a shield and slowly walked in.

“I’m not going to hit you Hawke you can put them down.”

“Are you sure? Because I like my face unbloodied. I really feel like you’d be less angry if all you were looking at while I spoke was flowers.”

Aveline stood up and ripped the flowers out of Hawke’s hand and pulled her into a bear hug. The tears started flowing again and she did not try to hold them back. She pulled away and saw that Hawke was crying as well.

“I’m so sorry Hawke. I don’t know what came over me and you did not deserve to have me turn on you like that.”

“I know you didn’t mean to, and I never should have come at you the way that I did. I don’t blame you for my mother I swear I don’t. I don’t know where that came from, I was just angry and I wanted to hurt someone.”

“You made me realize something though. I hadn’t let go of Wesley. I’m happy with Donnic and part of me feels guilty for that. I feel guilty because I couldn’t set him free; you could, and you were able to give him what I could not.”

“If it had been Carver you would have done it for me. Its different when it’s someone you love.”

“Speaking of love, there’s something I need to tell you. Donnic proposed.”

“Holy maker, did you say yes? Of course you said yes, you would be crazy not to.”

“I have not given him an answer yet. I was so taken aback by it. I know he loves me and I love him. I just wasn’t expecting it so soon.”

“There’s no such thing as too soon when you love someone Aveline.”

“Isn’t there?”

“Never Aveline, it’s never too soon when its right. You do love him right?”

“Of course I do. I haven’t felt this way in such a long time, but I know it when I feel it.”

“I won’t tell you what to do, that’s not how things work between us. You do the ordering.”

“I don’t see why though, you rarely follow.”

“Doesn’t mean I don’t listen.”

"I'm not about to tell you my answer before I tell him."

"Spoil sport."

"How are you holding up though? With everything? "

"I've accepted the fact that my mother is gone. The Qunari will remain a problem until they leave. And I will be spending the rest of my days pining for a certain elf."

"What is going on between the two of you? We've all noticed the crest and the ribbon. I had to smack Isabela before she made a comment about it the first time she saw it."

"I gave him the ribbon. Told him it meant that I would wait for him."

"Wait for what exactly?"

"To be free. Free of whatever it is that's holding him back. Did he tell you what happened to him? When we were together?"

"I did not think it appropriate to ask given the nature of our friendship."

"If you were anyone else the conversation would end here you know that right?"

"Yes and I'm glad you trust me enough to continue."

"He remembered his life from before the ritual. In one single moment he remembered all of it, but then it was gone. He couldn't hold onto it. I was convinced at first that it was my fault. That I'd done something to him, that my magic had done it. I realize now that's impossible. Not without me at least being aware of it. That sort of magic takes focus and purpose. You have to be trying to make something like that happen."

"What do you think it is then?"

"Honestly I have no idea. But I have a plan. Feynriel is going to Tevinter. It's the only place where his sort of magic is known and understood. Once he's gotten himself settled he says he'll look into it for me. See if there's anyone who can tell us what might have happened. Fenris won't like that I'm doing it. But I hope in time he will understand."

"You're a good friend Hawke. To all of us."

"I try."

****

"Well look who crawled out of the hole they drank themselves into last night." Varric said with a smirk as he scribbled in his journal.

"How did you know it was me?"

"Isabela left at first light and Merrill drank more than you did. I don't think she'll be waking up until tomorrow."

"Isabela is gone?" Hawke slumped down in the chair next to Varric.

"She said she'd be back in a week. Said to tell you no hard feelings everyone does things they regret when they drink Corff's 'special' brew."

"How bad was it after I left?"

"Aveline teared up a bit. Merrill got trashed, dancing on the table trashed. Isabela encouraged her. You missed your brother though."

"Carver was here?"

"He came by to see if Wicked Grace was happening. Showed up right when Merrill began her little table dance. He ended up carrying her home."

"I wish I had known he was coming by. I haven't seen him since the funeral."

"He wanted to surprise you."

"Figures the night I get ridiculously hammered and rip apart my friends is the night my brother finally decides to pay a visit."

"I'm sure there will be other times."

Hawke sat in silence her chin resting on her hand.

"You're starting to take after Fenris with all that brooding you're doing."

"I'm not brooding. I'm thinking intensely."

"Hawke you're not the first person to get drunk and say terrible things to their friends. Besides judging from what I was told you were well within your rights to be pissed."

"I should have been more understanding. The fade is a tricky place to be. Anything can seem real if you're inexperienced."

"Hey listen; it was a tough time all around. You've been taking on a lot. When was the last time you spent a day doing things for yourself?"

"The day before my mother died."

Varric put down his journal and put his hand over hers. He gave it a squeeze and she looked up at him.

"I miss her."

"I know."

"I keep asking myself if the flowers were there when I left. If I had seen them I could have saved her."

"There's no use asking questions there are no answers to. We're all here for you though. None of us are leaving."

"Thank you Varric."

"Anytime."

****

Merrill rolled over in her bed and collided with another body. She squealed and tried to fight off whoever the intruder was.

"Hey calm down its me. It’s Carver."

"Carver? Oh Creators what did I do?" She said burying her face in her hands.

"Whoa, nothing like that I swear." He said trying to get her to look at him.  
"See clothes still on."

She looked down and realized that they were both still fully clothed. Though she was wearing a bit less than she ought to be in front of him. She pulled the covers up to hide herself and blushed furiously.

"How did I end up in my nightgown?"

"On your own actually. I carried you home last night. When we got inside you disappeared off into your room and came out wearing that."

"How did you end up spending the night?"

"You insisted actually. Said the alienage was not safe at night and you couldn't let me go off on my own. Threatened to freeze me in place if I tried to leave."

"Of course I would be silly enough to threaten a Templar with magic. How am I not being hauled off to the Gallows as we speak?"

"You're too sweet to be there. I'd never hand you over you know that right?"

"You haven't handed over your sister either."

"Exactly. Yes I'm a Templar. But I haven't forgotten what my father taught me; and I haven't forgotten all he did to keep our family together. You're family Merrill and I don't turn on family."

"I did something terrible yesterday Carver. Something terrible to Hawke." She told him the entire story. Feynriel being trapped in the fade. The demons and their offers. How she gave in and tried to kill her friends. Carver sat and listened and held her hand when she began to cry.

"Are you all right though?"

"Carver I just admitted that I sold out your sister for a demons empty promise and you ask if I'm all right?"

"I have seen many Harrowings at the circle. Seen ones that succeeded and ones that failed. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for everyone. I also know my sister. I know that she has already forgiven you because that's who she is."

"You wouldn't think that after what she had to say to me last night."

"Let me guess, she got drunk and said some nasty things and then ran off?"

"How did you know?"

"Because it's exactly what she would do. She holds onto her emotions and eventually they pop. Usually when she's been drinking."

"I should go see her and apologize. I hate to have bad feelings between us."

"Give her a hug for me when you see her?"

"Of course."

"You never wrote me by the way."

"Won't you get into trouble getting letters from an apostate?"

"Only if you say you are in them. I like hearing from you. I miss all of you."

"We miss you too."

Carver went back to the Gallows, but not before being treated to a Dalish breakfast. As he boarded the ferry he thought to himself, not for the first time, if he had made the right choice. He had purpose with the Templars. He had a place. But there were times when he thought of his sister, of Merrill, and the rest of them. He wondered if it was worth it. When he got back to his room he pulled out a bit of parchment and started the letter he wished he had written years earlier.

It stared with, Dear Merrill.


	50. Drunk and Disorderly

Getting drunk at the Hanged Man was starting to become a frequent pastime for Hawke and her friends. More often than not it involved a round of Wicked Grace or Diamondback. However on this particular occasion there would be no card games. Just four people getting blissfully drunk trying to forget what they had just been through.

Bartrand was dead. A bolt to the gut from Varric courtesy of Bianca. It had been a mercy killing. The idol had driven him mad, causing him to turn on his servants and feed his guard’s lyrium to help them "hear the song". The lyrium sang for him no more.

  
“I can’t believe I actually killed my brother. After all I went through to track him down. I wanted to kill him; I just never thought I would actually go through with it.” Varric's speech was slurred. He had ordered doubles every time Nora came by to refill his cup.

  
“The idol killed his mind a long time ago Varric. In a way you merely set his body free.” Aveline said, ale tended to make her philosophical, and she had already had two.

“I’m surprised you’re not getting on our cases about yet another breaking and entering.” Hawke said her chin resting on the table as she stared at the last dregs of her third glass.

“He locked my friends in the Deep Roads and left them for dead. I would have killed him personally if Varric were not first in line.”

“Damn right I was first in line. I’ve had to deal with that sodding bastard since I was born.”

“You were born Varric? I just always assumed you popped out of the stone; quill in hand, demanding a razor to shave off your beard.” Fenris said, well into his second bottle of wine. Nora had given him a funny look when he ordered a bottle and refused her offer of a glass.

“Alert the chantry, the broody elf has told a joke!” Varric said nearly toppling out of his chair in laughter.

“I don’t brood.”

“Oh darling you most certainly do brood. Women have practically thrown themselves at you while we walk down the street it's that impressive.” Hawke said nudging up against him. The alcohol removing any inhibitions she had about making physical contact with him. Something he was quite thankful for. He bumped his head gently against hers ad offered her a taste of his wine.

“Is it one of those awful dry red ones you insist on drinking?”

“Not tonight, try it.” She took the bottle from him and took a hesitant sip. The wine is sweet and crisp like apples.

“I might have to steal this from you.”

“By all means. I still owe you for the bottle I threw before you could have a glass.” Hawke laughs at the memory and holds the bottle in her hands, her body slowly angling itself against him. He hesitates for a moment and then slips his arm behind her and over her shoulders, resting it gently across them. Waiting with baited breath to see if she pulls away, when she doesn’t it takes all he has not to let out a sigh of relief.

“You know Hawke you’ve got me doing a lot of things. Some I don’t agree with. Some, I’m actually surprised I do.” Aveline said leaning back into her chair staring at the many dents in her cup.

“You mean like breaking into estates and hunting down their owners for interrogation and or murder?”

“Exactly, it’s made me unsure of who I am. My father named me after Ser Aveline, but who is that to me? Who am I in all this?”

“You feel as though you are replacing who you were with someone you don’t even know?” Fenris said thoughtfully.

“Yes.”

“At times we all have to look in the mirror and ask ourselves who we are, whether or not you can still look at yourself after asking that question is the important part.”

“I know that tomorrow I will look in that mirror and see myself again. The same as I was yesterday, only tomorrow I will be the only member of my family left. I can live with that. If my mother were still alive, I might not be able to. I’m just glad she didn’t live to see Bartrand and I tear each other apart. I still miss her you know. It’s been over a decade and I still miss her. I think I always will.” Varric said wistfully. Fenris tightened his arm over Hawke; she accepted the sentiment and snuggled closer to him, happy to have small comforts.

“I have no memory of my mother. Just flashes of impossibly long hair. But my father, well.” She trailed off, her father was as sore of a subject as Wesley for her and she did not often share anything about him.

“No please go on Aveline. Let it out.” Hawke said extending a hand across the table to her. Aveline took a hard swig on her ale and let out a deep breath.

“My father trained me in the skills he was forced to give up. Spent all he had to get me into the king’s army. But that’s not what I remember the most about him. When I was little he would read to me, silly stories of dragons and knights, but he wouldn’t turn the page until I reached over and took his hand. That big man made every step of the story my choice. I loved that about him. When he was dying of the wasting I would read to him, I had to take his hand to turn the pages. I could never tell if it was because he was too weak or it was still the old game. He smiled at me before he passed.”

“We need another round of drinks I think.” Varric said holding back a sniffle.

“No one should ever tell you how to mourn. And if someone says ‘move on’, you take their hand and say ‘my choice’.” Aveline looked at Hawke as she said it. Knowing just how new the pain was still for her.

“A toast then?” said Fenris lifting his bottle.

“To Ilsa Tethras.” Said Varric lifting his as well.

“Benoit DuLac.” Aveline added.

“Leandra Hawke.” said Hawke holding up her bottle.

“To those we have lost and to those we hope never to lose.” Fenris finished as they all took a drink.

****

"Varric for the last time no. I am not helping you change the deed to the Hanged Man." Aveline said half her words coming out interspersed with hiccups.

"Corff won't know the difference. I'll only make small changes. Add some cute Dwarven serving girls. Maybe private rooms in the back for intimate parties."

"Intimate parties that I'm sure will end with lap dances from the Dwarven serving girls." Aveline said with a laugh.

"Lap dances?" Fenris asked a curious look on his face.

"Makers breath you've never heard of a lap dance?" Varric said shocked.

"It sounds awkward." Fenris said with raised eyebrows. How in the world did one dance with their lap?

"Only if you don't know how to do it." Hawke said jumping up. She went behind Varric's chair and pulled it back from the table. She came back around with her arm slinking over the top of Varric's shoulders. She faced the table with her bottom towards Varric's face and proceeded to wiggle it in his face. Fenris felt his jaw tighten and he had to remind himself that killing Varric was not an option. His hand gripped into the table when Varric pulled her onto his lap.

"You pay enough and you get to pull them in even closer." He said laughing as Hawke toppled on top of him giggling.

"You call that a lap dance? You just jumped right in. You can't just jump into a lap dance." Aveline said loudly as she climbed up on the table. She had stripped out of most of her guard uniform and was wearing only a tunic and leggings. She began to shimmy across the table to the delight of Hawke and Varric. Fenris however was horrified.

"Aveline?" Donnic stood in the doorway to Varric's suite with a confounded look on his face.  
"Someone reported a disturbance though you were the last person I expected it to be about."

"Corff you ass hole you reported us to the guard?" Hawke yelled down the stairs while Corff hid behind the bar looking scared and confused.

"Corff didn't report us I did." Aveline said as she sauntered across the table towards Donnic.

"What?"

"Donnic as you can see I am being drunk and disorderly. As such I should be taken to the drunk tank. However I am also guard captain. So I have decided that my chambers are the drunk tank tonight and I order you to haul me off to them." She leapt into his arms and planted a very sloppy kiss on his lips. Donnic laughed and carried her down the stairs and out of the tavern.

***

 

Fenris and Hawke managed to stumble their way back to Hightown without incident.

 

“I can’t remember the last time we came through here without being ambushed by some crazy gang. What were the last ones calling themselves ‘Unseeable Sisters’?” Hawke asked leaning on Fenris as he did his best to walk in a straight line.

 

“Invisible Sisters, though I managed to see every single one, so the name was rather pointless.”

 

“Perhaps they were referring to the invisible bonds of sisterhood.” Hawke said, her arms gesturing which caused her to fall into Fenris, toppling them both to the ground. They laughed and then each tried to shush the other resulting in more laughter.

 

“Oi, get your drunk asses off to wherever they belong!” came a mans voice from above them.

 

“I’m not drunk! I’m blessedly intoxicated you twit!” Hawke yelled out to the darkness.

 

“Get out of here before I come down there!” the man yelled back.

 

“Come and fight me! I’ve taken on bigger women than you!” Fenris scooped her up and threw her over his shoulder as she yelled out more explicatives and did his best to get to her estate without falling over. She stopped yelling once they reached the courtyard outside her home, he set her down and did his best to not fall over as she swayed into him.

 

“You are drunk.” She said with a giggle.

 

“You’re one to talk.”

 

“Yes but you had more than me. I had ummm two ales and a cider. You had how many bottles of wine?”

 

“Three and it would have been four had you not stolen the other half of one.”

 

“Oh right I forgot about the wine. That wine was good. We should go back so I can ask Corff what it was. Lets go.” She moved slowly and Fenris was easily able to grab her and pull her back towards him, her backside colliding into him. He wrapped an arm over abdomen and another across the top of her chest. He rested his chin on her shoulder to steady himself, taking a moment to savor the smell of her skin and hair. Even with the stench of alcohol on both their breaths he could still smell her soap. It was always flowers; he could never identify which ones. He would forever associate the smell of flowers with her, just walking next to a flower shop could bring her to mind, if she had not already taken an almost permanent residence there.

 

“Are you smelling me Fen?” she murmured enjoying the warmth of his arms around her.

 

“You smell like flowers. I like it.” He whispered, his inhibitions completely destroyed by the wine. He didn’t care for anything in the world, the world around him did not exist; his fears, Denarius, the lyrium, nothing but her existed. He felt her shift and loosened his grip so she could face him. He kept his eyes downcast, a habit he so desperately wished he could be rid of once and for all.

 

“Fen?” her voice wavered and he looked up. Her blue eyes shone and her skin was illuminated by the moonlight over them. He had always thought her to be beautiful. But he found himself captivated by the subtle features of her face. The freckle next to her nose, the perfect cupid’s bow of her lips, and her eyes staring into his with nothing but adoration. He knows it will hurt them both in the end but he can’t stop himself. He presses his lips gently against hers, when she responds it takes all his will to not whimper. Her lips are as soft as he remembered her kiss perfection. He deepens the kiss and pulls her to him, holding her so close he can feel her heart beating just as fast as his own. When he pulls away he sees a single tear fall from her eyes. He uses his thumb to wipe it away and plants a gentle kiss on her forehead.

 

“Stay.” She says, pressing her cheek to where his heart beats for her and her alone. He knows what he should say. Knows what would be best for both of them. But he doesn’t care.

 

“Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I got chills writing this. I have to send a special shout out to broodywolf. The feedback I have gotten from her helped put this chapter together.  
> Also another shout out to Tiff, you asked for more FenHawke. I had to do it. They need this because we all know whats coming. Its gonna hurt like hell to write it.  
> Thanks to everyone who reads and comments. You keep me going.  
> As always if you want find me on Tumblr, cherryquinn


	51. This is Going to Hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so very sorry but this is going to hurt. This will be henceforth know as the chapter of angst.  
> It took a lot out of me to write all of this.  
> I am putting this note here to let anyone with triggers to know that there will be an instance of PTSD induced violence.
> 
> If you are uncomfortable reading this please scroll to the bottom to read a brief description of what occurred in chapter without the graphic descriptions.

“This is going to hurt.” She thought to herself when the sunlight began peeking into her room. She held her eyes tight to try and block it out to no avail. Slowly she opened her eyes and waited for the wash of pain to sink into her head. When it didn’t happen she smiled.

 

“No hangover, thank you Maker.” She said out loud rolling over to face the other side of the bed where no sunlight could disturb her sleep further. She nearly screamed at the sight in front of her. Fenris, topless laying in her bed sound asleep.

 

“Oh no, oh no we didn’t, couldn’t have.” She panicked and nearly fell out of bed before realizing much to her relief that she was still clothed. She lifted the covers and peeked to see if he was still wearing his pants, and breathed a sigh of ease that he was.

 

He had kissed her last night. Her heart had ached just as much as it soared feeling his lips on hers again. When he had wiped away the one tear that escaped her she knew she couldn’t stop herself from asking him to stay. The fact that he was still there in the morning, while joyful, left her with many unanswered questions. But answers could come later, now she was content to watch him sleep. It was not often that he held still long enough for her to look at him. He did not like being stared at and she understood why. Though she wished she could impart to him that for her it was more admiring than staring.

 

There was no denying it, he was beautiful. The white lines of lyrium all throughout his body were perfectly contrasted with the bronze of his skin. His hair, she knew from experience, was thick and soft. She only wished he was awake so she could look into his eyes and see the flecks of gold throughout the green. Half asleep and so caught up in the moment she realized too late that touching him would be a mistake.

 

She had no sooner reached out to run a finger down his cheek when she was suddenly grabbed by the neck and pinned down beneath him. He snarled as his markings came to life and she clawed at his hand trying desperately to relieve the pressure he was putting on her throat.

 

“Fenris.” she choked out the world going fuzzy all around her. When he did not let up she let loose the only magic she could and a bright light shot out from her palm. He released her and she rolled over coughing as her lungs clamored for the air they had been denied. She slid off the bed slowly and looked to see where Fenris had ended up. She found him in the corner of her room holding himself and breathing hard. Her breaths came out ragged and the sound caught his attention. He looked up at her, his eyes a mixture of rage and shame.

 

“Are you ok?” she asked her voice sounding strained.

 

“I do not have an answer for that. What did you do?” the accusation in his voice slammed her in the gut.

 

“A flash spell. Meant more to be a way to light the way in dark areas. I might have increased the intensity a little too much. Though you must admit you cannot blame me for that.”

 

“No I do not. I should apologize for my actions. I was startled.” He said his eyes darting about the room looking at anything but her.

 

“I should go.” He said and went about grabbing his clothes.

 

“Fenris wait.” But he did not; he tore about the room searching for the rest of his clothes and armor, picking up the red ribbon from the floor. Upset that it came off in the scuffle.

 

“Damn it Fenris look at me!” she cried out, her voice still hoarse. He looked up and she could see slight marks on his face where the light had burned him. He choked back a cry at seeing the bruise that was forming around her neck.

 

“Why would you have me look and see the damage I have caused? Is it not enough that I must live with knowledge that I did it?” he wheezed out holding back the agony he felt.

 

“Fenris no, that’s not what I want. I want you to look at me and know that I don’t blame you for this.”

 

“I do not ask for your pity. I do not need your understanding or your patience. I am a beast, a wild dog that has no business being in your bed or your heart.”

 

“Stop doing that. Why do you make me prove to you over and over again your worth! What will it take for you to see what I see?” when he doesn’t answer she lets out a yell of frustration.

 

“Fine then. If you think yourself so unworthy of me then give me back what’s mine. How can I find you worthy if you don’t even see it in yourself?”

 

She regrets saying it immediately. She doesn’t want this. Surely he must know that. When his eyes meet hers and she sees the tears it takes all she has not to run to him, and beg him to forget what she has just said. Instead he picks up the ribbon and without looking away from her ties it around his wrist. He walks out of the room without another word and when she hears the front door slam closed she collapses to the ground and cries until her voice breaks and her tears run dry.

 

****

 

 

He stood outside her estate letting his tears fall silently. He is already conspicuous enough, to be seen wailing in the square would not serve well. So he straightens his shoulders and decides to make a smart decision for once, and he walks up the stairs to the viscounts keep. There is only one person he knows he can turn to, only one who won’t force him to talk, will let him say what he needs to say in his time. He needs to find Aveline. But when he finds her office empty he is crestfallen, and then horrified when he hears a voice behind him.

 

“The captain isn’t in, had to take a sick day can I help you?” he knows that voice. He does not want Donnic to see him like this. But there is no escaping and he turns slowly to face him.

 

“Fenris, oh holy maker.” He says looking at the elf’s face. The red rimmed eyes and what appears to be slight burn marks on his cheeks.

 

“I was hoping to find Aveline. I suspect she is feeling the affects of last night.”

 

“Quite, is there anything I can do to help you?”

 

“I doubt that very much.” He says trying to not choke on his own pain.

 

“Aveline says you play Diamondback very well and I’m not on patrol this evening.”

 

Fenris is taken aback and sees the look of true honest kindness on Donnic's face. His flight instinct is screaming and he bites it down. He cannot keep running away. If he runs from this he will be running forever.

 

“Do you know where my house is?”

 

“Of course, who do you think helps Aveline change up the patrols around it?”

 

“Then I will see you there.”

 

He sees Hawke walk into the keep as he is leaving the barracks and he hopes she isn’t coming to see Aveline as well. The bruises around her neck are gone; she must have used her magic he realizes. There is a sense of comfort knowing she can at least do that. Though he wishes her magic could heal her emotions as well as they heal her body. He waits until she enters the doors to the viscounts office before making his way home, realizing much to his chagrin that he is going to have to clean the place up a bit.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So triggers wow. After writing this I realized just how intense it really was and that there may be some people who might be affected by it. Thus me deciding to make this a short chapter and to continue the rest of the narrative in another chapter. 
> 
> *****
> 
> Fenris spent the night, but they only went to sleep. Hawke woke up before him and made the mistake of touching him while he was asleep. He reacted badly and she needed to use magic to snap him out of his rage. They fought and he once again declared himself unworthy of her. She demanded the return of her favor if he was going to continue to consider himself undeserving of her love. He refused and left.  
> Fenris went to see Aveline but she was out sick from drinking the night before. Donnic was there and realized that something had happened and made the offer to play cards with Fenris that night and he accepeted. Fenris now realizes he will have to clean up his house a bit.  
> When he was leaving he saw Hawke making her way to the viscounts chambers and that the injury he caused her was fully healed.


	52. Following the Qun

Hawke thought for a moment it might be better to wait a day before answering the viscount’s summons. She had barely finished drying her eyes when Bodahn came to tell her of its delivery. She summoned up the resolve she had learned to build in the years after her father died, and pushed back her despair. The mirror however would not let her forget. Her eyes were bloodshot from her tears, her hair was in complete disarray and the dark bruise on her neck told the truth. She whispered and brought her hands to her throat, a cool wash of healing magic removing all the evidence.

 

A small voice in the back of her mind nagged at her. Reminding her of the farmer’s wife who would use colored powders to hide the marks her husband left behind when he was drunk. There she was trying to hide the truth from herself of what had been done. He had hurt her, nearly killed her, and she was hiding it.

 

“I am not hiding it!” she yelled at her reflection. Biting back the tears again she calmed herself mentally. Splashing cool water across her face she dressed herself and avoided the mirror. She did not wish to deal with smashed glass on top of everything else.

 

She ignored Bodahn and Orana as she left, deliberately avoiding their gazes. Both of them had to have heard the argument with Fenris and there was no way either of them could have missed the slamming of the front door. Now was not the time to be dealing with sympathies and soft spoken words of condolence. She had a duty to her city again it seemed and that duty would have to take precedence over the ache in her heart.

 

***

 

“Serah Hawke, thank you again for coming. I bear a great weight and I do not know of anyone else who can help lift it. It is apparently not enough that the Qunari define my political life. They must also infect that I hold personal. My son, Seamus, he would squander the life you saved by converting to the Qun. He left for the compound this morning. Please go to him, he respects you, convince him to come home.”

 

“This can only end in trouble, you know this right?”

 

“Seems fitting since that is where it began. My son is not foolish. He will listen to reason. You are the only one who is in position to offer that to him.”

 

“Viscount Dumar.” Hawke began but was cut off before she could continue.

 

“I never wanted this you know? I had no aspirations other than to be a good son, husband, and then father. My wife, Phyllida, she was my world. We lost our first child Venetia; she didn’t live past a month. The labor was very difficult; I almost lost both of them.”

 

“I was a twin. My brother, he didn’t live more than a few hours. I can only imagine how painful that must have been for you, and for your wife.” Hawke had never told anyone about that. Mother would rarely speak of it. When Bethany and Carver both lived it brought both happiness and sadness.

 

“It was so painful for her, and I was content for us to live a life together without children. To avoid having to go through that pain again. Yet she found herself with child again. Two days of labor, the healers said I would have to choose between them. I wanted to choose her, but she would not hear of it. She looked at me and said ‘Tell him about me, keep him safe.’” The viscount stopped speaking for a moment, the memory enough to bring tears.

 

“She lived long enough to hold him and name him, then she was gone.”

 

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

 

“I dedicated myself to Seamus. Handed over control of the family business to a trusted retainer so that I could be there for him. But then the former Viscount, well you know the story of that mess. There were many other people more suited to the job, one of your own relatives in fact.”

 

“My mother running off with an apostate and my aunt having several magical children had an impact on their social standing.”

 

“Yes, well the Knight Commander informed me the real reasons why I was being given the honor. My humility Serah Hawke. I was someone who wouldn’t push boundaries, who would be thankful for what I was given, and remember who put me here.”

 

“You fear that Seamus going over to the Qun will put you in danger?”

 

“Not me, I fear for him. He was only five when I was crowned. I had five wonderful years with my son before duty stole me away. I gave him all I could. He had a great hunger for knowledge and I indulged him with every book I could. It made him quite philosophical. Perhaps if I had been more attentive. I avoided the chantry when my wife died; my faith was lost that day. So I never instilled in my son the blessings of the Maker and Andraste the way I should have. He doesn’t see himself as a heretic, just as someone who is choosing a different path.”

 

“I will try.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

*****

 

 

She was ambushed in Lowtown as she descended the stairs towards the docks. A group of three had her surrounded. Ducking into an alleyway she summoned up her rock armor and ran. Her path was blocked by two more when she emerged near the Darktown entrances.

 

“There’s the target, don’t let her get to the compound!”

 

“Before you attack just answer one question. Are you anti-Qunari, anti-viscount, or has Seamus sent you to stop me. I want to know who to deliver your corpses to.”

 

She was met with silence and glares from behind cloth masks, no one wanted their identities known it seemed.

 

“Fine then, you were warned.” She inhaled deep and called down a wash of lightning. They were held in place by the shockwaves and she used that opportunity to unleash a wall of ice in front of her. For the two behind she swung back with her staff and bashed into ones shield and aimed her blade towards the others face. It entered with a sickening crunch and she pulled it out with a look if disgust. When she turned back around her assailants had fled, leaving one poor soul trapped in a block of ice, his face stuck in a look of terror. She watched the thug with the shield stumble off in the direction she had run from and decided to not go after him.

 

She wiped the blood from her blade and shouldered her staff. When she entered the Qunari compound she was met with strange looks and hoped the dirt on her face and the blood on her pants served as a warning to anyone else who might dare cross her.

 

“Serah Hawke.” The arishok said as his only greeting. If he was moved by her appearance he did not show it.

 

“I am here about the viscount’s son.”

 

“Are you?” the arishok paused for a moment and eyed her cautiously. “In four years I have made no threat, yet fanatics have lined up to hate us simply because we exist. But despite lies and fear, bas still beg me to let them come to the Qun. They hunger for purpose. The son has made a choice; you will not deny him that.”

 

“I guess you do need to keep up your numbers after all. How many of your people have been lost to fanatics?”

 

“The person you seek is no longer the viscount’s son. Viddathari give up their lives for the eternity only Qunari know.”

 

“So you’re not taking advantage of his connections?”

 

“The Qun may demand that advantage, but I do not. It was his choice to be educated, he is not my prisoner. He is not even here. He answered a summons by his father. Ask the viscount why he sends a letter and yourself.”

 

“Oh fuck me.”

 

The arishok looked at her questioningly and she realized that he took her outburst as a request.

 

“No, oh no. that was not. What I mean is humans tend to say things when they’re angry. That was not me asking you to. I’m going to just leave now and go to speak to the viscount.”

 

“They are meeting at the chantry. A last pointless appeal, I assume.”

 

Hawke stopped and thought long and hard. She knew what had happened and she hoped she would not be too late to stop the chaos it was going to cause.

 

“The viscount wouldn’t involve the chantry in this. He didn’t send the letter, but I know who did, Mother Petrice.”

 

“A suspect in many things. If she has threatened someone under my command again, there can be only one response.”

 

“Don’t make this worse than it is by marching your men through the streets without cause. Let me handle this.”

 

“This is cause. This is the last insult I will suffer. I will be watching Hawke. Viddathari are of the Qun. This offense will have an answer.”

 

****

 

Fenris did his best to improve upon the squalor of the mansion. Cleaning the home that belonged to Danarius had seemed to him akin to still belonging to the man. But he had come to see the place as his own and found himself enjoying the idea of making a happy memory in it. Though he was unclear on Donnic’s full intentions he none the less decided to remain optimistic.

 

Donnic arrived at sundown with a deck of cards and a bottle of brandy. They played a few hands of Diamondback and made small talk.

 

"Aveline tells me you'll be training some of the new recruits soon." Donnic said as he shuffled the deck.

 

"Yes, she asked me months ago to consider it. I was hesitant at first given where I received my training. It's not something I enjoy remembering."

 

"No I imagine it's not."

 

"Has she told you much about me?"

 

"Nothing more than I'm sure you would be willing to tell me yourself."

 

"She's a good woman. You're a lucky man."

 

"That I am."

 

They soon stopped playing cards all together and the conversation flowed. Fenris couldn't tell if it was the brandy or just Donnic himself that made it easy to share things about himself.

 

"So why did you join the guard?"

 

"My father passed days after my eighteenth name day. He had been ill for some time and mother and I were both surprised he made it as long as he did. We didn't have much money put away and I saw the recruitment posters. Signed up the next day and never looked back."

 

"There was nothing else you wished to do?"

 

"I could have tried my hand at other occupations I'm sure. But the opportunity was there and I do not regret it at all. Would never have met Aveline if I hadn't." Donnic smiled when he said her name. Fenris nodded but said nothing.

 

"May I be so forward as to say I hope you consider me a friend?"

 

"You may."

 

"So as your friend I am going to ask you one question. If you do not wish to answer we will speak of it no further."

 

Fenris nodded and waited with baited breath, already knowing what Donnic would ask.

 

"What happened to you this morning? I can see the burns on your face, injuries like that are a result of a spell. I've seen enough of them to know."

 

Fenris considered keeping silent. To take Donnic's offer to not speak of it. But hadn't he gone to the Keep seeking out someone to speak to? Hadn't that been what he truly needed?

 

"I attacked Hawke. Last night I made the regrettable decision to stay the night, to give in to my need to be beside her. This morning she awoke before me and like anyone who cares for someone she reached out to touch me. But because I am no more than a beast being touched in my sleep caused me to react poorly. If she had not used her magic I may very well have ended up killing her."

 

"Makers Breath." Donnic was beside himself in shock.

 

"I once believed that someday I would be the man she deserves. I know now that I will always be nothing more than the wild animal I was created to be."

 

"You can either be a man, or you can be what they made you. That is your choice."

 

"It's not that easy."

 

"Isn't it? You know why you reacted the way that you did. I daresay Hawke knows too. Yet instead of apologizing to her and making amends you're here with me drinking. Lamenting the loss of something you never gave yourself a chance to have."

 

"And what happens when Denarius comes for me? What then? What do I do when she tries to sacrifice her own life to save mine? What do I do with the memory when this all ends?"

 

"Seems to me you're afraid of being happy because you don't think it's going to last. In your head you're still a slave, waiting for him to find you. How will you ever be the man you wish to be if you never even see yourself as one?"

 

Fenris said nothing. He had been hiding from the truth and Donnic had seen it clear as day. He wondered if Hawke saw it too.

 

"What do suggest I do then?"

 

"This is on you now. Though making amends with Hawke would be what I would do. Everything else takes time and effort."

 

"Thank you Donnic."

 

"Anytime."

****

 

Hawke wasted no time in getting back to Hightown. She considered stopping into the Hanged Man to grab Varric or Isabela but she worried that any time she took was time that Seamus didn’t have. When she neared the chantry steps she hesitated for a moment. She knew this was likely a trap set up by Petrice. Her hand went to her neck and relived the memory of what had happened that morning. She had managed to put it away until now, with his home just steps away. She thought for a moment of going there, asking him for help. Shaking her head she ascended the chantry stairs, there was no point in going to him now. What happened couldn’t be changed and she could not face him knowing that what they had was likely over.

 

She didn’t see anyone when she walked in, a good sign. She looked to the upper levels and saw a figure and climbed the stairs towards them. Seamus was kneeled in front of the statue of Andraste. His hands held in front of him in prayer. She approached him carefully looking for anyone that might be hiding to attack them. She leaned down to whisper to him when he fell over to the ground, dead with a knife in his gut. He hadn’t been praying, he had been holding onto the knife that had killed him.

 

“Serah Hawke, look at what you have done.” Petrice stood in the middle of the chantry, flanked by a templar and several others. All of them wearing the same cloth masks she had seen earlier that day. “To pounce upon the viscount’s son, a repentant convert, in the chantry itself? A crime with no excuse. Your Qunari masters will finally answer.”

 

Hawke looked down at Petrice and the people surrounding her. She had walked right into the trap and there was no escape. She had the higher ground but they had the advantage of cutting off both her exits.

 

“Are you insane or just incredibly stupid? You’ve turned to outright murder?” Hawke yelled down. She counted seven including Petrice, she could take them. The archers would need to be dealt with first. She would need to use a barrier; she didn’t have enough mana to keep her rock armor and fight.

 

“The faithful know this has been building for a long time. I have reminded them in sermon and in prayer over and over again. When people learn of this attack, they will rise. Not as zealots or the unknowing, but the true majority.”

 

“This will not remove the Qunari from the city. This will lead to a slaughter on both sides.” Hawke hoped to defuse the situation, to avoid having to fight these people. They did not deserve death; they were being lead into chaos by the person who was meant to bring them peace.

 

“To die untested would be the true crime. I will see faith defended, starting with you.” she turned to the people who had come to be led, they looked angry and Hawke knew there was no avoiding this fight. “Earn your reward in this life and the next. These heretics must die!”

 

****

“I don’t want to kill you.” Hawke had the last of the mob cornered. She held a fireball in her hand and the blade of her staff pointed at the woman’s throat. The rest of them had been taken down. She regretted every single one of them, but in the end it was her or them.

 

“I don’t want to die. But the mother said the maker would turn against all of us who didn’t stand against the heresy.” The woman was on her knees with her hands held in front of her, pleading for her life.

 

“Did she also fail to mention the maker looks down on murder? Leave now and I will spare you. I will not come after you. But if you ever come near me again I will not hesitate to strike you down, slowly.

 

The woman ran from the chantry crying out for the maker to forgive her. Hawke heard footsteps behind her and whirled around, hoping that there was not another attack. She was exhausted and didn’t think she could survive another wave. But it was Mother Petrice leading the grand cleric down the stairs to see the carnage.

 

“Do you see your grace? Traitors attacking the very core of the chantry. They defile with.” Petrice stopped in shock at seeing Hawke still alive.

 

“There is death in every corner yes. It is as you predicted. All to well.” The grand cleric said eyeing the revered mother.

 

“She’s onto you Petrice. Quick lie harder and she might just forget.”

 

“Don’t you spout your Qunari filth; this is a hand of the Divine!”

 

“I have ears Mother Petrice, and the Maker would have me use them.” The grand cleric said with warning in her voice.

 

“The viscount’s son was murdered in your name, here in the chantry.”

 

“I’m sure my name wont like that very much. Petrice?”

 

The revered mother was stuck for words again. She shook her head and tried her best to compensate.

 

“Seamus Dumar was a Qunari convert; he came here to repent and was murdered.”

 

“Murdered to incite a riot, much like the Qunari delegate. Even a blind nug could see through this.”

 

“No price is too much when eternity is at stake.” Petrice retorted.

 

“Eternity is long enough that we need not rush to meet it.”

“They deny the Maker.” Petrice had given up on hiding what she had done and was scrambling to give a reason to justify it.

 

“And you deny Him, even as you claim His side. Andraste did not volunteer for the flame. Serah Hawke, you act on behalf of the viscount? The young mother had erred in her judgment. A court will decide her fate. The Chantry respects the law, and so must she.” The grand cleric walked away leaving a stunned Petrice behind her.

 

“Grand Cleric?” she called out to her but no answer was given. The grand cleric ascended the steps towards her chambers without another word. Petrice turned to Hawke and seemed to be on the verge of another rant when she looked off to her right and her anger was replaced by fear. An arrow suddenly struck into her chest. Hawke turned around and saw a Qunari archer with an arrow cocked and ready, he let it fly and it struck Petrice in the eye. The Qunari regarded Hawke and said.

 

“We protect those of the Qun. We do not abandon our own.”

 

“I could’ve used your help a bit earlier you know.” She yelled out to him as he crept back into the shadows he came from.

 

Hawke left the chantry and began to make her way home.

 

“Well that was a mess. Better get things in order before the Arishok responds. Can’t be good, the viscounts son, Qunari in the chantry, and its going to rain to. Hard enough to do this without soaking my hides.” She said to no one in particular as she saw the storm clouds gather overhead. “When was the last time I ate? Who’s cooking tonight? I hope its not Sandal, squirrelly little bloke. Enchantment soup no thank you.”

 

She kept muttering to herself as she walked home.

 

“Is that guy looking at me? Lot of illness in this city. What’s he looking at? Loony. Yeah that’s it keep walking. Can’t trust anyone. Could be lyrium addled, fade crazed, still got to have some control. What kind of damage sends these daft freaks out into the streets? Talking to them…..selves.” she shook her head and opened the door to her estate. She trudged up the stairs and gave a nod to Orana when she asked if she would like supper to be sent up to her room. Once she had eaten she collapsed on the bed and hoped that the next day would bring her a little less misery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thank you for reading and commenting. It means a lot to know you are enjoying this. Though I was a little worried because there were no comments after the last chapter. I hope the angst hasn't scared you away. There will be fluff again I promise.


	53. Betrayal, Pain, Acceptance

Hawke spent the morning and most of the afternoon in bed. Orana brought her tea and breakfast. She didn’t ask questions and Hawke was thankful for once for the girl’s timidity. She began to wonder how long it would take for one of them to come looking for her. A day, two maybe? Wicked grace was set to occur in two days time, Varric would most likely come looking then, if not sooner.

Try as she might two things kept running through her mind. The look of pain and defiance on Fenris’s face when he stormed out of her room and the agony that had been the Viscounts sobs the night before. She knew now what she must have looked like cradling her mother’s body. What was the saying her mother once told her. Someone who loses a spouse is a widow; someone who loses a parent is an orphan. Yet a parent losing a child, there was no word for that. It was too sad a thing to truly give a name to. It made her think again of the brother she never got to have. It wasn’t something she dwelled on often. Mother never wanted her to feel as though she was unloved or not wanted for surviving. Yet she wondered if it might have been easier if he had lived. Would he be with her now? Taking on some of the responsibilities she found herself unwilling to address? Would their departure from Lothering have been less tragic with just one more person to fight?

She was pulled from her musings by loud shouts from downstairs. She opened the door and recognized Aveline’s and Isabela’s voices immediately.

“This is important; don’t interrupt with your selfish prattle.” Aveline said blocking Isabela's way towards the stairs.

“Get off your high horse, I have problems too.” Isabela said with a sneer.

“Oh yes, ‘what drink should I order?’ and ‘who’s the father?’” Scoffed Aveline.

“Oh you little.” Isabela took a swing and missed and barely got out of the way of a lunge from Aveline.

“Ooh are there any good seats left? Wait just a moment I require a beverage and snacks.” Hawke said looking down from the balcony at the two of them. Isabela blushed and looked away but Aveline went straight to business.

“Hawke the arishok is sheltering two fugitives who have ‘converted’ to the Qun. He must be convinced to release them. He’s already feared because of Petrice. If people start to think he can ignore the law. I need your help so this doesn’t get out of hand. You’re the only person who he might listen to, or at least grant an audience to in this matter.” Aveline pleaded with her before being shoved out of the way by Isabela.

“I’m going to die! Isn’t that a real problem?” Isabela said with a look of fear in her eyes.

****

**_Dear Hawke,_ **

**_I have the relic, and I’m gone. I’ve lost too much over this blighted thing to let it go again. I know it would be noble to return it to the Qunari, but that would require a better soul than I posses._ **

**_For what it’s worth, I’m sorry I lied to you….again_ **

**_Isabela._ **

 

“Fuck!” Hawke yelled out to the empty air. Aveline walked up to her and laid a hand on her shoulder. She turned and expected to see a look of disappointment. She did after all insist on helping Isabela instead of appealing to the arishok about the fugitives. Now the only chance they had of getting the Qunari to leave peacefully was gone, along with their friend.

“Why? Why did she do this?” Hawke asked, feeling the sting of abandonment.

“I don’t know Hawke. Isabela obviously didn’t want us to know what the relic actually was. We would have insisted sooner that it be returned. Perhaps she did not think we could protect her from Castillon.”

“How could she think that? We are her friends we would do anything for her.”

Aveline shook her head but said nothing. Varric and Fenris stood away, neither of them had words for what had happened.

“Let’s go to the compound. There are still those fugitives of yours to deal with.” Hawke said in monotone, all the emotion sapped out of her.

“It can wait.”

“No it really can’t. It shouldn’t have waited in the first place. I see that now.”

****

“I request an audience with the Arishok.” Aveline said with authority in her voice. Hawke always admired the way Aveline could command attention of anyone. She had several of her guardsmen waiting at the compound for them; a show of strength, Hawke hoped it would be enough.

“He will allow it, but not in this number.”

“I will only bring my friend and a small contingent of my guard. Is that few enough?”

“It is, enter.”

Hawke turned to look at Varric and Fenris. They both looked nervous, Fenris more so. His eyes pleading with her to stay. Varric just shook his head and made his way over to a stoop to sit on.

“Don’t worry about me all right? It will be fine.” Hawke said to Fenris, though she barely believed her own words. He nodded and went to sit down next to Varric, his sword ready for whatever might come.

****

“I cannot leave without the relic and I cannot remain blind to the corruption of this city. There is only one solution.” The arishok stared them down and Hawke realized just how much trouble they were in.

“Arishok there is no need for.” Aveline said trying to stop the inevitable.

“Vinek kathas.” The arishok said turning away from them. A spear came from above and struck the guardsman standing next to Hawke. She looked up and several more Qunari high above them all poised and ready to strike. They had planned this and she didn’t think there would be an escape. Aveline sprang into action and deflected the spears with her shield and pulled Hawke along with her. The rest of her guards were not fast enough and each one fell around them. The arishok watched their retreat, his eyes showing no emotion and Hawke found herself transfixed. How could he sit and watch the death occurring around him with nary a hint of feeling. She nearly cast a bolt at him when Aveline yelling her name broke her out of her reverie. She turned and ran with her just barely escaping the compound.

“Let me guess, our friends from Par Vollen decided to take over after all?” Fenris asked when they finally escaped the docks and made it to Lowtown. Hawke nodded and bent over at the waist trying to catch her breath. There were screams all around them throughout the city and small fires seemed to be popping up everywhere.

“Can you hear it? The Qunari must be spreading out. They’re attacking the city.” Aveline said with worry in her voice. “Why? What could they possibly hope to accomplish with this?”

“You know I don’t think the arishok really cares at this point. Seems to me this was his plan for some time.”

“You’re probably right. We need to act quickly. I’m going to rally my guardsmen. You should get back to your estate and fast. Both of you go with her, you’ll be safer there.”

“Aveline, what about the alienage? We have to find Merrill.”

“Shit.”

“We’ll go to the alienage and find Daisy. If we’re all going to hole up in Hawke’s estate then she had better be with us too.” Varric said priming Bianca for battle.

“Be careful.” Aveline said to them before heading off.

***

“My goodness this is exciting. We’re all going to stay at Hawke’s house. It’s going to be so much fun!” Merrill was giddy and seemed to be completely unperturbed by the fact that they were sneaking around the narrow alleyways in Lowtown trying to find their way around the hordes of rampaging Qunari. Hawke let herself laugh and put an arm around the elf.

“That’s right Merrill. We’ll stay up late and share stories. Raid the kitchen for sweets.”

“I suppose we ought to worry about getting past all the Qunari first though.”

***

The Knight Commander was as imposing as her reputation made her out to be. Hawke found herself dumb struck at the very sight of the woman and simply nodded when asked if she was Ser Carver’s sister. She felt her heart sink when mention was made of her own magical abilities. The Templars knew they had known for some time apparently. It seemed her relationship, if it could be called that, with the Viscount did indeed have its perks.

“I am willing to overlook your own use of magic for the time being. We need all the help we can find to stop this heretical uprising. I will rally my men and we shall make our way to the Keep. Meet me there Serah Hawke and we shall see what your future holds.” The knight commander strode away and Hawke felt the air grow light as her mana surged back into her veins. The woman had kept her magic at bay without blinking an eye.

***

“Wait here, I’ll be but a moment.” Hawke said to them as she disappeared into her estate. No one said anything about the conversation with the Knight Commander. Merrill still looked petrified and Varric was at a loss for anything to say to snap her out of it. Fenris saw the look on Hawke’s face when the knight commander spoke of her magic. She had believed for so many years that she had gone unnoticed, that she had followed the lessons of her father.

“You don’t think Carver said anything do you?” Varric asked with a whisper. His question snapped Merrill out of whatever trance she had put herself into.

“How could you possibly think that of him? Carver would never betray us like that. He’s loyal, you have no right!” She said her voice squeaking with rage. Varric backed away with his hands held up in defense.

“Daisy I meant no offense what so ever I swear. It was just a question, one now that I realize did not need asking.”

“What question is that?” Hawke said walking out, a strange looking staff in her hand.

“Nothing that needs to be repeated I assure you.” Varric was in no mood to continue the current argument. Though Merrill’s reaction was one he did not expect.

“That is quite the weapon Hawke.” Fenris interjected, happy to break the tension that was threatening to unravel them. The staff was half as long as what she normally carried. The latter half being a long double edged blade. Intricate vine work ran up and down the wood in silver filigree that lit up wherever her hands touched it. He might have overlooked the vine work were it not for the occasional motif of three dots patterned throughout. His gaze met hers for a moment and he knew.

“I’ve been working with Sandal on this one. The filigree is silverite and the blade is rune enhanced. I figured now’s a good a time as any to make use of it.”

***

The Grand Enchanter was an imposing force, almost as much as the Knight Commander. He was however quite genial and thankful for the unbidden rescue. His thanks however were cut short to anguish as he looked at the bodies of the mages that were his charges.

“How did you all manage to leave the circle?” Hawke asked him.

“In times of danger the mages are sometimes called upon to act as warriors, I brought the best with me in hopes of showing we have value. Sadly with all the restrictions that have been placed on them many feared to even use their abilities properly.”

“Seems as though the knight commander wanted you to be massacred.”

“Do not speak such things out loud if you know what is good for you. I say this to you with nothing but concern. You walk a delicate line Serah Hawke, you are known in this city and your notoriety both shields and endangers you.”

“Wonderful and here I thought I was just another noblewoman with enough money to bribe myself out of captivity.”

The grand enchanter laughed for a moment but soon was silent when the Knight Commander emerged from around the corner with a contingent of her men. Carver stood with her. He looked at his sister with both anger and sadness.

“Why am I not surprised to see you here?” he said.

“You know me, always chasing trouble.”

“Yes well the last time you did it found its way back to mother.”

The sting of his words hit her square in the chest. Not once had he ever laid the blame at her feet and now as they stood on the brink of chaos his lashed out at her. Some things just never changed. She watched Meredith and Orsino fight with one another on how best to address the group of Qunari that had taken up residence in the Keep. After hearing the same argument said three different ways she finally had enough.

“All right that’s it! You are supposed to work together! Maker it’s a wonder the circle hasn’t imploded beneath you. We need a plan and if neither of you will acquiesce to the other perhaps then a leader should be chosen that isn’t you.”

She regretted her words immediately because she knew exactly where that placed her. Carver shook his head and muttered something about limelight and grandstanding. Meredith attempted to claim that her not being of the city somehow made her unqualified but relented when Orsino stood in her defense.

“Very well Serah, lead on.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right so I know its been awhile and really I am so very sorry for having left this in hiatus for so long.   
> I had lost all confidence in this story and held no love for it anymore.  
> I see now that it is a testament to how much someone can change as a writer and have decided to keep going. I will not be updating this nearly as often as I do my modern au but rest assured I have not turned my back on this fic.


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